I (21M) recently went no contact with my family. I'm in college right now and am on track to graduate next spring. Hopefully, I'll get a job in my field in a nearby city and build my life the way I want.

I went no contact with my family for several reasons, the main one being that I hated myself. Here's the context: I was not a perfect child. I'll be the first to admit that. I screwed up like normal kids, but I tried to be better. I adored my family, especially my parents. I would do anything for them; I loved them so much.

As I got older, however, it felt like that love wasn't reciprocated. My dad flat out didn't want to spend one-on-one time with me; he'd rather watch TV or spend time with my sister. When I asked him to teach me something or play a game with me, he would get visibly frustrated and it made me feel guilty for asking. My mom was a bit different. I would ask her to do things with me like watch a TV series or bake something (I love cookies). We'd start the process, but it would never follow through. Something would always come up and our planned time was pushed to the side.

This wouldn't bother me as much except that my sister was raised very differently. My dad adored her and spent time with her whenever she asked. They had several mobile phone games they played together among other things. Same with my mom. They watched several shows together, entire seasons in the span of a week.

Of course, this hurt, but I just pushed my feelings down and told myself they would do something with me next time. After years of this, I became accustomed to spending entire afternoons and nights in my room, working on schoolwork or enjoying my own company. Pretty soon, I began to get in trouble for "abandoning the family".

I should also mention that arguments in my family were not normal, or so I've been told. They were yelling matches in which I would often stand in front of my parents and be verbally berated for hours on end. I can recall several arguments that lasted over 6 hours. During this time, anything was fair game. They didn't like my grades? They were brought up. My chores weren't completed perfectly? I was given more. My body/weight wasn't "normal"? I was told I would eat more/less and put on a rigorous exercise plan (I have a very fast metabolism and never weighed more than 150 lbs).

In November, it all culminated. It felt like we were having long arguments every day. At one point, very hurtful things were said. I had my college dorm at this point (paid for with scholarships), but I had only stayed in it for about two nights. My dad was very angry and asked if I could stay at the dorms over Christmas break. I told him I didn’t know, and he said it might be wise to figure that out. This hurt because it made me feel like he didn’t want me home over Christmas (he said things like this often). A few days and arguments later, my parents came to the conclusion that they were going to drop me off at college and I could sleep at my dorm instead of coming home every night.

Keep in mind, my parents' house was less than 15 minutes from college, and I can't drive because of medical reasons. Basically, they were sending me to my college and forcing me to stay there until I "changed my attitude and bent to their way of doing things." This was the week before Thanksgiving break. I stayed that entire week, extremely depressed and confiding in no one. I was confused as to why I was so messed up that they didn’t even want to be around me and wondering why I couldn’t just act like they wanted me to.

During this time, I was also able to hang out with my friends more, partly because I wanted to distract myself and partly because I had nothing else to do. They figured something was wrong because I never had this time or permission to hang with them before, but they didn’t dig too much into it. I enjoyed my new freedom so much that I decided to stay the next week too.

This is when my parents started to play the victim card. I wasn’t spending time with the family over Thanksgiving and was becoming selfish. We also had a Disney trip planned for the first week of Christmas break, and they asked if I was going to waste their money then too. Eventually, they started talking to me like an adult, and I started to soften towards them. This was a bad idea in hindsight, but I decided to go on the trip with them after I had finished my finals.

The first part of the trip went great. They were treating me with respect, and I was treating them the same way. We were laughing and having a great time. As the trip went on, their attitudes started to change. At one point, while waiting in a long line for a ride, my mom decided to have an argument. She asked why I got in a car with a “random stranger” while I was living at the dorm. First off, it was a taxi at the grocery store. I can’t drive, and I needed to get groceries to eat. Second off, why is she spying on me? Why does she need to know everything I’m doing? I’m not living under her roof at this time. It was really weird.

This discussion brought up a lot of painful memories, and I shut down. It would have been really weird for a 20-year-old male to cry in line at Disney World, so I just bottled up the emotions. Now I was blamed for ruining the trip because I couldn’t have a "simple" conversation. This situation happened for the remainder of the trip, the ride home, and I asked them to take me to the dorm when we got back.

I stayed there, depressed and losing my mind. I couldn’t see any of my friends because they all went home for Christmas. I spent Christmas alone and sad. This same family begged me to go to Christmas events so they wouldn’t look bad, but I didn’t. I eventually went home a few days after Christmas to give them their gifts and to celebrate my mom’s birthday. It went about the same: the first few days went well and then the arguments happened again.

I came back to my dorm on January 2 and have not been home since. I have been extremely depressed but have been building myself back. Music is my coping mechanism. I have a severe inner critic and the music drowns out the voices. I’ve told a few of my close friends about my situation and they support me.

I know I wasn't a perfect child, but I don’t think the things I did warranted the intense arguments every day on top of the emotional manipulation and punishment. It still hurts. I still see them every now and then because they find ways to show up (my dad literally camped in front of my dorm window for hours just because he could). I’m trying to be better, but sometimes I wonder, AITAH for cutting them off?