AITAH? — Hiding My Pregnancy From My Ex Boyfriend?

TW SA

Hey everyone,

I need some advice. I'm 16 and l've recently found out I'm pregnant. My ex-boyfriend was abusive and he sexually assaulted me before we broke up. I haven't told him about the baby because l'm scared of his reaction. I know he should probably know, but l'm really afraid of what he might do. What if he hurts me or the baby? What if he kills me?

Am I wrong for keeping this from him? Thanks for listening and for any help you can give.

Posted an update to everyone’s comments on my account!.

in AITAHby literally-just-me-

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Thewhirlwindblitz

Can you abort? If he finds out some other way, you may have to share custody with him. Are you sure you want an abusive person in your life permanently?

Specific_Anxiety_343

I agree

muh_kuh

-65

And why exactly should she abort? It's not the babys fault, that the father is a awfull and unsafe person (neither does the mother, I blame her 0%). But that should never be the cause for an abortion. There are plenty of other options to keep them safe. I find it very disrespectful of you to even suggest it as she never mentioned it in her post.

RecentConnection1922

A woman can have an abortion for any reason they want. It's the perk of it being their body and all. Your opinion matters zero percent.

muh_kuh

-56

The baby is not her body. Neither does yours, so don't suggest an abortion if she clearly never mentioned it to be an option for her

RecentConnection1922

I didn't but why shouldn't other people? It is completely true she will likely have an abusive person in her life for the rest of her life. That is important information for her to understand and consider. Nobody is demeaning her choice except for you.

Agreeable-animal

It’s not a baby yet. It has the potential to be a baby one day, but it’s not guaranteed- miscarriage happens

muh_kuh

-18

I also could leave the house and get run over by a car. Same logic

sallyskull4

With any luck. 😅

JntJ8068

That one really should’ve been a stain on their parents sheets.

muh_kuh

-4

Wish you all the best

PTSD-b-like-NTSA

I mean if you're the type of person to force abused teenagers who were raped to keep the pregnancy, then it's a lot more likely than you think.

muh_kuh

-1

Thanks I love a nice threat. Have a wonderful day

PTSD-b-like-NTSA

Ah yes, because it is entirely realistic that I am going to find out where you live and wait in a car until you come outside. Dude I can't even drive because of my medical conditions, get over yourself.

Specific_Anxiety_343

What threat? You’re a moron

YoghurtMountain8235

There is nothing wrong with reminding her that it’s an option.

Current_Barracuda_58

The fetus, not baby, is currently, in fact, part of her body.

Thewhirlwindblitz

I will always suggest an abortion. Sorry you’re an idiot 👍

PTSD-b-like-NTSA

Medically and legally speaking, the baby is actually part of her body.

YoghurtMountain8235

So are you saying she deserves to be violated for another 8ish months and ruin her body as a child because of someone else’s actions? Forced birth is a punishment. The physical and psychological trauma of that is horrific. You being pro-birth doesn’t matter here. This is about what’s best for her, not about your views on what women do with their own bodies.

Strainedgoals

Have you thought about the life this child will have? How that child will grow up to end up just like his father and do the same thing to another girl?

The cruel thing would be to force that child into a miserable existence with no chance of a decent life.

muh_kuh

-12

In your logic everyone with some kind of abusiv parent is doomed to be just like them. I worked with a lot of abuse victims and none of them wish that they weren't alive bc of their childhood. And there are legal actions you can put in place to prevent the fathers access to the child

KlutzyStation7461

It’s appalling that anyone hired you to work with abuse victims. You aren’t qualified if you’re more concerned about pushing your forced-birth philosophy than listening to victims. People who abused their partner are granted visitation with their children ALL THE TIME. Courts have ruled that rapists can have access to their children. Maybe you don’t want to learn about real life because you’d have to face the role that people like you play in getting women killed. They don’t matter though, right? You’ll defend a non-sentient clump of cells over an actual woman or child every time. OP is a 16 year old who has friends and family who love her, a future ahead of her, dreams and goals…she shouldn’t have to deal with the threat of violence (or the reality of violence) for the rest of her life. If she wants children when she’s ready, those children deserve to have a father who is loving and supportive, not an abusive sexual predator.

Strainedgoals

Very few people become abusive in a vacuum.

Who do you think those abusive people learned their behavior from? 99% of the time, abuse comes from family.

If you intentionally bring a child into an abusive situation, that child will grow up with trauma you could have prevented. That trauma may lead them to grow up and inflict abuse on someone else one day.

You've gotta be a real asshole to bring a child into the world that you can't protect or provide for. This 16 year old is asking about hiding the pregnancy from the abusive sperm donor, that kid will not have a good upbringing.

Kanulie

Hi. I had abusive parents and wanted to die since I was 5. This peaked at 17 when I first tried to kill myself.

All of my suicidal toughts stem from my childhood solely. And almost everything bad that happened to me has it’s roots there. The abuse made me reluctant to socialise, which made me lack proper social skills and always being behind on that regard as a child, which led to bullying, to which I had no support network. Being “a victim” also opened the doors to more abuse from other people and friends of the family.

My childhood is a collection of trauma, bad memories, neglect, abuse, bad parenting(or no parenting).

One of the last talks I had with my mother was that I wished she used a condom instead of having me. Before going no contact for 20 years and her dying last year.

Before my mother was removed from us when I was 5, the court ruled kids belong to their mother and we had to go through 6 months of literal hell before we were “saved” by our narcissistic borderline father who used us to lead a somewhat comfortable life before that life derailed multiple times and dragged us with him.

Just because you never met someone like me doesn’t mean we don’t exist.

P.S.: greetings from my wife, who also went through a traumatic abusive childhood, and also tried to kill herself and still often wishes she was never born. Also because of her childhood and also during her childhood.

More greetings from her brother, who ALSO went through an abusive childhood, also tried to kill himself, and still struggles at age 50, from the abuse he went through as a child.

And their other brother, WHO HAS ALSO BEEN THROUGH AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD, has already killed himself. May he rest in peace…

I don’t like you, muh_kuh.

muh_kuh

-6

I am sorry for that and I understand you can't generalize everything, but I refuse to believe that your experience is the norm, bc I have seen it otherwise. And it is also not right to project one bad outcome onto a baby that isnt even born yet. We don't know their backstory, is she a loving and caring person? Are the gandparents/aunts/uncle etc. involved? Is a support system here. She just talked about the father.

I just wanted to say, that one bad parent shouldn't dictate if you abort or not. It is possible to give that baby a good life.

Kanulie

I don’t say my experience is the norm. But I presented 4 life’s with similar outcomes steming from abusive childhoods. Could go on with that actually…we had more suicides in close proximity if you need more.

And from the self healing I went through and read a lot about, the chances for generational trauma are high if there’s no in depth working on yourself involved. None of us can be certain what the future will bring, but my personal experience and my immediate environment goes total opposite of what you claim.

But it’s not only about the child imo. A 16 year old will have many harsh hurdles in front of her with a baby to care for. Her school and future career, if at all possible, will struggle, her finances might lead to more problems, how well her current relationship withstands all of this is also to question.

To assume she has a perfect support network in place is a thin straw to grasp imo. Better assume the worst case: she will end up as single mother, dropping out of school or at least not going to college, with no money, only low wage jobs to keep herself afloat, close to no support, and her abuser sues for visitation rights. Her child will grow up in poverty, maybe even starvation as I did, manipulated by the abuser or outright abused, and teenage mom will feel responsible for all of this at some point.

I see the likeliness as high as your well wishing.

Wishing for the best, prepare for the worst.

Why risk the future of 2 people if not necessary? I would go the safe route, keep the abuser out of my life 100%, not put my own future at high risk and prevent a potentially bad childhood for my offspring. A small feeling of regret now or a lifetime of regret tomorrow?

But that’s only my opinion. OP has to decide on her own experiences and emotions, fears and hopes.

PTSD-b-like-NTSA

My therapists would say the same shit because I ended up successful and surrounded by people who love me. But you and they have no fucking clue. You don't have to live with the daily pressure of knowing you came from a fucking monster, who tried to turn you into a monster. You have NO fucking clue what "just one bad parent" can do. How the fuck do you work with us and have no idea what generational trauma is? Both of my parents were abused until they broke and there was NO CHANCE to save them!! Do you have any fucking idea how hopeless that is to try to fight through every single day?

muh_kuh

And how do you know that I don't know? Do we know us personally? I don't think so. Just because it is out of your horizon to believe someone with a similar story has a other opinion than you, doesnt mean they dont exist

PTSD-b-like-NTSA

My parents were abusive as shit, they 100% shouldn't have had me. It's a miracle I got better with all the genetic crap on top of it. My best friend knows she was the result of rape. Do you have any idea how heavy that all weighs? Do you know how heavy the pressure of breaking the cycle is? You work with us, you aren't US. Don't you DARE fucking use us to support pro life bullshit.

muh_kuh

You don't know my story, so don't dare tell me what I can argue and what not. Just because I don't share my personal life doesn't mean I don't have my own experiences

Specific_Anxiety_343

Hoooo boy. You work with victims? You’re either lying or very young and new in your job. There is NO legal mechanism to keep a violent asshole away from a child. Are you aware there are powerful politicians who believe that rape is “part of God’s plan?” And there are some that believe it’s okay for rapists to have rights to custody or visitation? Pull your head out of your ass.

turnup_for_what

There are plenty of other options to keep them safe

Not really. It's really hard to lose custody completely.

Specific_Anxiety_343

To keep herself safe. You obviously don’t know much about domestic violence. It’s not disrespectful to make a suggestion.

muh_kuh

Sry if you don't view it as disrespectful to suggest eliminating your own offspring

Specific_Anxiety_343

That’s the most ignorant comment you’ve made. Although the bar is pretty low.