AITAH for restarting sex after I said I'm done?

We have moved from “no means no” to something else.  

None of what is written in this thread matters. It’s your wife who feels violated and she isn’t here. As hard as it might be for you because you don’t understand what you did you need to have a conversation with her. Don’t try to convince her she’s wrong. Convince her she’s heard and understand what she wants.  

And hold her to the same standard. If you don’t like shower sex, for example, don’t consent to it. 

INFO: Did you say ANYTHING before fucking her again?

YTA - not for restarting sex, which would have been fine if you had communicated that actually, no, you’ve changed your mind, and checked if she was still down to pick it back up. YTA because you basically sprung a dick into your wife when she wasn’t expecting it and by the sounds of it masturbated into her - she’s told you she feels violated and that’s all that matters.

If you want to fix this, you should profusely apologize and explain that you mistakenly assumed she was still down but get that your lack of communication wasn’t ok, her feelings are completely valid, and it won’t happen again.

My mans. The allotted sex window closed when you said you were done. You don't get to unilaterally reopen it.

Op you need to put yourself in your wife's metaphorical shoes here. Imagine you're in the shower, man has just said to you he's done with the activities so you're like okay cool, I'm gonna mind my own business and wash up. Then surprise! Dick all up in you with no warning.

Do you think you might feel at least a little bit violated there? My bet would be on yes you would. In the heat of the moment, you probably thought she was still up for it which is kinda understandable given what youd just been up to. But its time to use your hindsight now and listen to how she feels, learn from it and next time just say 'hey ready to go again, I feel like I can actually finish now'

YTA, it would've taken seconds to ask if she was up to go again. Even if you'd got some of the non-verbal cues or body language that implies consent in couples that have been together a long time would have done.

But no, you just stuck it right in there while she was facing the other way and was busy washing her bits and bobs, and treated her like a sex doll 😬

YTA. if there’s EVER such thing as an “allotted sex window”, it ends when the parties say they’re finished. You don’t get to just decide you want a round 2 and stick a dick in someone like that?

Worst of all, your wife says she feels violated and you decide to shut her down. You don’t get to decide whether her feelings are correct or not. Talk to her, don’t talk to us.

Yes, for more than one reason, YTA. You already said you know it hurts if it goes on too long. If she already finished, her natural lubrication is gone, and it likely hurt. You gave her no chance to consent. She'd already shown consideration for you and offered to do other things. Because she couldn't be penetrated anymore. I think you know this. Your animal brain took over and assaulted her. If you would have been cleaned up and in bed, would you have penetrated her while she's sleeping? Because it's close to what you think is a sex window? No, you cannot just enter someone's body. It doesn't belong to you just because you're married. She might not want physical stuff with you for a while, and that needs to be ok with you and for you to listen to her and not make a single excuse about why you did what you did. This kind of thing is enough to blow up a marriage. It's about trust. You can't have the person you're supposed to trust the most violate your body.

I'm a guy here, not that gender even matters here but still.

YTA here. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it at all. You've been with your wife for 15 years man. You should know her better than basically anyone other than family. You've had 2 kids with her, you've married her, you've been with her for YEARS. You should know when she's actually happily saying yes and possibly saying yes because she may feel forced? Consent is so important.

After she finished and you guys stopped she even gave you the option to see if she could help with you finishing too? Why on earth say it's okay and then continue later after she thought you two were done and she was just enjoying a shower with her husband thinking you both were content. You could of asked if she wanted to go for round 2, asked her to use her hand or anything that she would be okay with.

Instead, you decided it would be a good idea to then rub against her and then put it in her and finish? You've just told her its okay, giving her the reply that you two were finished and then she most likely froze realising you basically lied to her and then also continued having sex with ZERO consent? She didn't say no because she felt violated by you. She must have gotten so scared by that. She even healthily communicated it to you the day after. You felt like a massive perv and creep? Yes, you were. You shouldn't feel upset with her for it. It is good you were very apologetic. But this is in no way her fault AT ALL. You need to do better and make sure you actually understand your wife. 15 years, 2 kids, the closeness should be insane. Closer than anyone. You should know her more than she knows herself and likewise for her to you.

Simply put, YTA, talk to her more and make her feel better and tell her how sorry you are no matter how many times you've said it. You've made your wife think you're a perv and a creep. Show her you're not and give her so much love and make sure she feels safe next time she wants to do sex, that is if she even wants to anymore after this. Do NOT pressure her. Tell her she's safe and she can always say no and that you love her. Give her so many compliments and praise her and tell her she will always be safe. Do better man.

YTA

What do you mean you hurt her when it goes on? Why are you having any sex that hurts her?

For me I don't enjoy any sort of pen after I'm finished because it gets over sensitive and uncomfortable. She asked what you wanted presumably willing to do something else. You said no. If you changed your mind, you ask about going again. Don't just help yourself knowing it is uncomfortable for her. Even if it's just for a couple minutes. Clearly she did not want or enjoy this so learn for next time. I would also be worried about why she didn't stop you at the time. Your wife should feel completely comfortable to say no, for any or no reason. What has happened in the past that she didn't mention it until after? How would you have reacted if she did?

I would be very apologetic if you want to fix this. You obviously didn't have her consent. Don't feel entitled to her body. Unless you get a clean and enthusiastic yes, don't assume. Ask her what she needs in future.

Bro your wife told you she feels violated this is NOT the time to convince her her feelings are wrong it’s time to validate her and for the love of god TALK TO YOUR WIFE NOT REDDIT STRANGERS!! Also I hate to say it but these comments are too kind what you did was kinda by definition sexual assault (r@pe actually I mean legally what you did was r@pe) you told her sex was done then without consent or even telling her beforehand you went inside of her you don’t just “slip in” you SAY SOMETHING especially if her fucking back is turned non consensual penetrative sex is legally r@pe

This isn't a conversation for reddit. This is a conversation with your wife who you've been with for a long time. Simple as that why would you need strangers to tell you anything considering you seem to already know what the answer is?

YTA for bringing this to Reddit when your wife is the one who felt violated + was brave enough to communicate that to you. instead of listening to and validating her, you turned to strangers on the internet to...what? say you're right, help you convince your wife she's wrong?

also yea, consent should always be explicit, informed, freely + enthusiastically given. doesn't have to be verbal but it sure as hell should be clear.

go talk to your wife!

…Your allotted sex window?

You told your wife you were ok and didn’t need to finish, obviously in the process turning down the fact that she wanted to finish me was asking what I need what she can do…you yourself closed the allotted sex window, if that’s what you want to call it here.

To then just start having sex with her without checking she also wants sex to start happening again…that’s not a consensual act at that point. You changed your mind, but you didn’t even take a moment to consider whether or not she was fine with that.

…’mood kinda sucky when it was supposed to be feeling good’…was it? Your wife wasn’t given an option regarding whether sex started up again or not. That’s not a recipe for a good feeling.

Your wife feels violated, of course you’re the asshole. Listen to how she feels and learn from this.

There is no allotted window. You said it was over, so it was over. You want to continue after that, you better communicate that, and if she says no, you're sol.

It definitely depends on your relationship. With my previous spouse, we were very open to sexual activities on the fly so this would never offend me or him. But none of that matters because we aren’t your wife. Maybe just ask next time before popping it back in. Probably threw her off and would have been fine with some communication.

Yes. YTA. You said you were done, decided you were not done, and didn't bother to tell her before resuming having sex with her. "Allotted sex window" is not a thing. She expected sex was over because you both agreed it was over and you unilaterally changed your mind and proceeded to have sex with her without discussion. That's unacceptable.

I mean, YTA. Your wife apparently feels violated. You said you were done then changed your mind without even giving her a heads up. Don't do it again.

YTA i would freak the fuck out as well. She clearly wasn't expecting that and you doing that must've made her feel uncomfortable. I suggest that you talk this one out

Forget if YTA or not, just accept you made a mistake not communicating correctly and keep taking the steps to repair it. There doesn’t have to be bad intent behind actions for someone to rightfully still be hurt.

You’ve been married way longer than me, so it may be silly for me to give you advice, but as a woman who’s husband is a master at unintentional miscommunication (me too to be honest) here’s what I’d suggest.

Talk about it with her again: - Apologize again. - Explain what happened in your pov, you got turned on again and thought her offer still stood. - Admit you were wrong with that assumption and should have asked if she wanted back in (or wanted it back in) before initiating anything - Assure her you will make sure to do that in the future and you would never purposely hurt her. You love her and her safety and comfort are always your first priority.
- Optional: share how you’re feeling, worried she thinks you’re a perv and worried she doesn’t feel comfortable with you now. - Ask her what she’s feeling. Give her another chance to explain her pov and the impact. - Ask what you can do to repair this going forward.

TL;DR: Surprise dick bad. Communication good. Talk to your wife again to help her heal from the Attack of the Shower Schlong.

Really stupid you’re on here asking us whether you think her feelings are valid or not. It’s YOUR wife. No means no. If she feels violated it’s not your position and definitely not strangers to even debate that. YTA for posting on here

Consent is a fluid and CONSTANT process, even with those we are comfortable with.

You said you didn't need to finish, and moved into other activities. Then, stuck it in her and came....? Yea, creepy.

Do you know what it is like to have people stick things into your organs for their pleasure? What is it like to have a piece of another person inside you, and it can be amazing or painful or terrifying? Would you want someone to just decide it's time to shove some part of themselves inside of your body for their own pleasure without asking? Most men I know have trouble just getting blood drawn, or an injectable medication, or basic stitches, and those are necessary medical procedures. If she isn't allowed to decide to finger your AH or put something in there for 2-3 minutes so she can get off without your permission, then you DEFINITELY aren't allowed to penetrate her to get off without permission. You literally just had to ask and I bet she would have been happy to.

Line crossed. You owe her an apology for assaulting her. Especially after writing that you know continuing with sex after orgasm hurts her sometimes.

YTA. When you said that you were done and didn't need any more, the sex was over. If she'd continued to pester you and pushing after that, then it would've been SA. YOU placed a clear boundary that it was done.

Sex is about understanding your partner and checking whether you both feel comfortable.

In her head space, you were done with sex. She moved on with her business. It's understandable that she'd feel chocked and violated when you suddenly shoved into her again.

If you suddenly got the urge again, then you need to establish concent again. A simple "Hey, I feel like I can finish now" or "Wow, looking at you like this, I feel it coming on again." It doesn't even need to be verbal. You could've hugged her, fondle, checking if she's with you. As long as you make sure that she's in the same head space as you. It's about communication.

You need to talk to your wife, understand what she's saying, and then apologise.

YTA. If you didn't say anything to her and get a "yes" in response, then you raped her.

How about stop having sex with her in the shower since you don’t like it…yall are too old to be this terrible at communicating

I've been in the situation often when I've finished and my husband hasn't, I have a small window of time post finish that I can continue, after that while the moisture may remain it becomes very painful for me. This time frame isn't an exact science I can't say to him you have x amount of minutes to decide to keep going so concent for a round 2 is necessary! And also there is the possibility of "let's try.... NOPE NOPE STOP"

So yeah you're the asshole here because your wife's mind and body had moved on from that session and you just went with it without checking in. Obviously I wasn't there but you also don't seem to have taken the time to read her reaction make sure she was into it and only cared about your big finish which is a violation in itself!

Talk to her, let her know she's not wrong for her feelings and you misunderstood the window of consent and you'll make an effort to do better in the future. There is still hope for you but you need to remember she is a human with human feelings not your personal sex toy.

If your wife is telling you she feel violated why are you here and not listening to her and booking a couples therapist ASAP

YTA. You said you were done, that's where consent ended.

You violated your wife's body and her trust.

It's all about communication. You need to talk about what boundaries you have and what you would like to do. Consent doesn't always have to be with words. Just give your partner time to respond to your initiative. Watch your partners body language. It says a whole lot. If you want to make sure, just a simple "is this ok?" will do.

"allotted sex window" uh... What? You told her you were done. She moved on. And you just stuck it in her without any sort of conversation? Your WIFE isn't a hole you get to stick it in when you feel like your peepee is going to cum. This is creepy, weirdo behaviour. You better apologize profusely. I would consider that rape-like and would probably never be able to look at you the same. Edit: forgot to add, you're absolutely 100% TAH. YTAH. It's you.

You could just ask her instead, "hey let me slip in for a min I'm close to finish", rather than not even letting her know that you are going to restart...

I feel like this could have been easily avoided had you given a verbal indication first. You felt the “twinge” and acted silently. Coulda made it sexy/consenting again if you’d said “Actually baby, I’m not quite done with you” (slide your hands on her arms or something) at which point she is then again in control and can either feel the twinge herself or say fuck no. Top comment is the best, your wife felt the way she felt and she isn’t here with us. All that matters is that she wasn’t okay with the situation. Not what we think about you.

First of all get that “alloted sex window” out of your mind and vocabulary. That’s definitely not a thing.

Yes, you are the asshole. If two people consent to sparring then punching is ok. If one then says 'I'm done, it's over', then they're done, the session is over. If that person then goes 'Hmm, you know what' and BLAM punches the other in the face it's assault.

If your wife told you it made her uncomfortable, there’s nothing to argue about. Whether you’ve been together 15 years or 15 days or since the beginning of time, you still need consent and you didn’t ask for that. You told her you were finished, so then she was finished too. If you want to start again, you ask.

It’s not up to you or anyone on Reddit to decide whether your wife was right to feel uncomfortable or not. YTA

In a way you did violate your wife with no warning after prematurely saying you were done with the deed in round one. What she said about being violated is completely in the right. I’m sure if you were in her position you would feel the same if the roles were reversed and she told you she was finished and minutes later decided to violate your body in order to orgasm minutes later. Hope you speak to your spouse because you two are a team.

YTA.

Wtf is an allotted sex window. There's not like a timer that starts when you get consent.

You stopped having sex with her. Then you decided to use her for sex while she was facing away from you, without asking. You did a bad thing and you should feel bad.

Yta

"Sex window" Consent can be retracted at any time. If you both go into it feeling frisky and then part way thru one decides they're not feeling it its fully within their right to put a stop to it. Screw "finishing". As mentioned in the top comment the only opinion here that matters is your wife's. But you said you were OK and it stopped there, you don't just start again no warning.

Just because you'd just had sex with her consensually did not give you the right to then enter her again without her permission or knowledge that you were going to do that. Consent is a one-time only event, for every event. Just because someone has slept with you hundreds of times before or very recently does not mean you've got blanket consent 24-7. You didn't 'restart sex', you initiated a wholly new sex act that she had not agreed to.

I would feel exactly as she does about this. You treated her body like it just exists for you to penetrate when you feel like it, like a sex toy, not another person. In that moment you were just thinking about your dick and your orgasm and treated her like an object that was merely there to facilitate that. It's not how you should be treating a woman, dude.

Edited for weird autocorrect

YTA, you said you were done but you inserted without proper consent, so naturally she's gonna feel the ick about it. You should make sure to apologise to her properly.

Your 3rd paragraph is a big run-on sentence that I feel is a bit too vague and confusing. I wonder if this is deliberate because you know things you don't want to admit to.

What I've gathered is that she finished and you couldn't. I'm presuming you were facing each other. You said you couldn't finish, and she offered to help. You said no, that you are done. She accepted your word that you are done and turned around with her back to you, all covered in soap, which reignited your interest. At which point you took it upon yourself to seize the opportunity to finish.

The first problem is that you said one thing and did another, big no-no. The way you did it also sounds like it came as a shock to her and possibly very triggering if she's ever been in a bad situation, or maybe it made her think of a possibility of a bad situation. I'm saying she probably found your approach to be too r@pey. Add in the fact that she already applied soap, which washed away her fluids, and your entry was very much painful and forceful to her.

All it takes is when she turns around and you see that gorgeous booty of hers that reminds you why you wanna finish to speak up and say, hey babe I think I'm gonna finish after all, is this okay? Then, her response will guide how you proceed.

It's not hard to imagine that she's been hurt several ways. Physically, by the pain of entry as well as the shock of surprise approach. Emotionally and mentally, by the thought that you could attack her. She's probably also a bit angered or annoyed that you changed your mind and didn't speak clearly. There's probably other things, but that will require you to talk to her. All in all, this was your mistake. Your wife is not a blow-up girl. She requires clear communication every step of the way, just as you would expect it in return.

This thread is gross. Yes, OP , YTA. Consent. Consent consent consent. You had said you were FINISHED, then you did it again without telling her you were going to. 

All the people here arguing that she had plenty of time to say no, or that being married a long time means implicit consent are either men or women who have been conditioned to believe that their bodies are not their own. 

BODIES BELONG TO THE PEOPLE WHO INHABIT THEM. PERIOD. STOP TOUCHING PEOPLE WITHOUT ASKING. FFS. 

And for the record: I AM married. And my husband and I DO practice consent and always have. Because my body is MY BODY. Not his. Or anyone else's. So dudes, I dgaf how long you've been married, ask your wife if this scenario is ever okay with her. If she says yes, please encourage her to go to therapy and immediately reevaluate how you have been interacting with her. 

And for the guy who suggested that women would be upset if men started pulling out consent forms before sex, WE WISH YOU FUCKING WOULD. That would mean that asshole men would actually be THINKING about a woman's body autonomy. Some of you all think you're smarter than you are and it shows. 

Guys, men sticking their dicks any place after sex is over assuming that yes is always a byes because the woman said yes the first go around is bananas and illegal and despicable. Period. 

Yes, dude, YTA. If you give a shit at all about your wife, you will apologize, make amends, and abide by whatever rules she sets forth for intimacy from now on. 

And also, btw, you're not doing her a favor by doing something you don't enjoy. Explicit consent goes both ways. If you don't enjoy shower sex don't do it. Because you saying that you did something you don't like to because she initiated lands like you're justifying your later actions, ie, "I don't like shower sex but I did it for her, so why would she be upset when I told her I was done and then unexpectedly put myself in her?" Your intention may not have been that, but that's what landed. 

Do better, OP. And everyone else with twisted ideas about consent. You guys do better too.

Consent is key

You told your wife you were done, and she even offered to finish you off. You then came back for more. Of course, she feels violated, I would if I was her. You need to put yourself in her position. She was told no more sex, and then more sex happened. Without checking, it was ok first...

Please don't do that again to her.

YTA

"Babe. I changed my mind. I want to finish inside you, if you're still interested."

So easy

Yeah, that's SA

Simply asking her before penetration so she could be prepared and also give her blessing would have been the right thing to do. Would have taken a few seconds, and whether she gave the green light or not, you wouldn't be in this spot.

In the entire history of "it slipped in" I don't think it's ever slipped.

Sounds like yall just need to have a conversation! Ask her more questions, not reddit. Ask until you understand her perspective. Ask until its very clear how to proceed differently next time. And take a deep breath if you feel defensive. You clearly did not mean to be harmful here. NTA as long as you proceed with empathy and care and you learn how to not do it again.

For the rest of you who are confused. Even if this was innocent on his part, being penetrated is vulnerable! If you have never tried it as men I recommend safely exploring anal play with your partner. It will probabaly make more sense when you experience (1) you dont want to be fully and quickly penetrated in a way that shocks you, since you will tense up and it will hurt and (2) you will not want to be penetrated before your body is relaxed and ready since, again, it will hurt you! (3) you dont just shove things in it must be stretched and well lubricated. Its really really important. You will be trusting your partner to treat the vulnerable act with the utmost care and consideration. Also. Women start losing the stretch and lubrication immediately after orgasm. For me, even mid penetrative sex if I orgasm I need to be rearoused before sex continues or it hurts.

Ouch. I can imagine that hurt her too. To shove it in with no warning is horrible, regardless of consent

So, you just slipped your dick inside of her body with no warning?

Say that out loud to yourself and really think about what that is.

Yeah homie a courtesy warning is kinda needed. YTA

Exactly. I think if he had just said that everything would’ve been fine. But you don’t just slip it in without any warning.

YTA that second round wasn't consensual

There’s absolutely no need to discuss whether this was consensual or not- just look at the wife behavior after it : SHE FEELS HURT AND BETRAYED AND IF YOU LOOKING TO “save” your marriage/sex-life/her trust in you- YOU WILL BE APOLOGIZING AND HAVE AN OPEN CONVO, about ALL OF YOUR WORRIES/situations/happenings

BUT: she has right to feel not only violated, but also betrayed, which is even worse

Even if you were just having consensual. You need to ask if you had already given your answer to the continuing questions.

A simple, hey Honey, I know I said I was good but I’m feeling it right now…

YTA

Sorry man, YTA. Yes, you should have said something, not just slide back in. She could have also spoken up and asked what the hell you were doing, but no matter what you should have asked. Let her know that. "I should have asked first, I'm sorry, that won't happen again." Own up to it, atone, apologize, make it right.

Yta, Restarting without her consent is rape. When a woman says she's done that means no more. You should apologise to her.

Yes YTA. You said you were done. She was not expecting round 2 and you just stuck in back in? There is no “allotted sex window” there’s presently having sex and not presently having sex and if you are not presently having sex then you need consent before you can move further. It doesn’t matter if you had sex 1-2 minutes ago. You fucking asking before just sticking it back in.

So, she wanted to help you and you said no it’s all good and then proceeded to put yourself in her without her knowing/permission…?? Oh my god op.. YTA. If you want this kind of open consent you have to actually get it from your partner first.

I’m sorry “allotted sex window”?! Yeah, NO! That is NOT a thing. You don’t just randomly shove it in when the person is not expecting it unless this is a kink of hers and it was discussed previously. YTA

YTA you told her you were done then reentered her on surprise, she feels violated bcuz you violated her.

you dont ever sneak it in bro. this is basic shit. yta

A lot of these responses are missing something. It depends on the partner. If my boyfriend did this, I’d be fine with it. The control thing turns me on and I said he has universal consent. Lol. But I would not have done that with every partner and your wife was bothered by this.

That alone makes you the AH. You should know what your wife is and isn’t okay with. Apologize for violating her and ask what you can do in the future if it happens again.

Sounds like some conversations are needed. Use this as an example to unpack and talk about when where and how often. Talk about how you feel and how she feels

YTA. What is your reason for not using your words like an adult? How difficult would it have been to say, ‘Ooh, feels like I can finish now- mind if we have round 2?’

Nope, you just stuck it in there like she was an object. A thing.

Terry Pratchett had it right when his character Granny Weatherwax said that true evil begins when you treat people as things.

If someone slipped it in me when I wasn't expecting it, I would feel violated. You said you were done and you came up against her unawares and slipped it in. You didn't come up and kiss her and initiate anything (other than stroking her ass, which probably just felt like affection and it's not any kind of warning that you were going to slip it inside), or say anything sexy (like "I think I can come, wanna go again?") and give her some real warning. You just entered her body like you were entitled to it. You did not have consent anymore after you said you were done. She went on with her shower and moved on from sex. You needed to get consent again. YTA.

So you took her by surprise without her consent?

while i don’t feel like your intent was malicious, you were wrong. i wouldn’t say AH, but i think you could’ve asked. simply because you had claimed to be done.

your wife probably already felt kind of defeated after offering to help finish you and you declined so your decision to then just penetrate her was very ill-timed and i get exactly why she felt violated.

talk with her and try to see things from her perspective. and sincerely apologize.

best of luck to you two.

Ask!!!! Get a nod.. is it so hard?

I see the comments, but for some reason, I'm feeling like there is missing information. The biggest thing here that I can see without the other info is communicating with her. You should have told her what you told us about the situation instead of just telling her no/ you were done. She might not even know how you feel about shower intimacy. Then secondly, you should have communicated before you reentered. And now instead of talking to her tonfigure out why she's hurting/upset you've come to us instead of talking to her to find out exactly why. Go talk to her.

(Idk why but I feel like the things/ details missing here would indicate that somehow something he did was something she has said she doesn't like, but I have no way of knowing for sure.)

Miscommunication played a big part in what happened here.

You took your thingy out for a minute or two and then continued having sex and climaxed.

What she understand was that sex was finished because that's what you told her and I'm guessing in the past you have stopped if you did not think you could finish soon after her so that's what she expected was happening here, she probably just thought you would cum on her butt.

You obviously know from experience that she likes you to also finish and probably allows you to carry on even if she's cum and is not getting the same personal pleasure she was moments ago, you stopped and realised that you could finish so continued after only a brief pause.

You can both move past this, obviously you have listened to her and should explain your side not in a I'm actually right and your wrong kind of way but just so she knows what was going on in your head. You need to be clearer in your communication, if you say your done then you've ended sex and need to get an OK to carry on again, also consider if you jerked yourself for a bit then you probably got yourself to the edge which is good for ending sex fast and not causing her pain but more than likely means that you entered her rough when she's sore after having climaxed. Show her that you love her and promise too be clearer in your communication.

The story is missing details. Did she say No. Did he forcibly bend her over or was she innocently doing a hamstring stretch? Showers are a small space and there has to be some consensual positioning involved because it doesn’t just go in. Those missing details answer if the husband is an AH. Regardless, he needs to listen and validate his wife’s feelings and perception. P.S. Shower sex sucks and the water kills sensations since everything is so damn wet. Don’t have shower sex.

I mean me personally, it wouldn’t have bothered me. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that it bothered your wife. It doesn’t matter how we feel.

First, apologize. It doesn't matter how you thought of it if she feels violated.

Second, tell her you are no longer willing to have shower sex. There are Reddit people who would say, if you were a woman, having sex when you are not 100% enthusiastic about it is coercion. Therefore if you have shower sex, without wanting to, just to please your partner, you are being violated.

Uhhh…was it still soapy?

I find it odd that she would feel violated as none of my partners would ever have had a problem with the scenario you described. I almost certainly would have started up again by touching and waiting for a response first but I get what you mean, that you thought it was sexy times still and it can be hot to be used by someone in that way.

But she's an individual with her own emotions and boundaries. If she feels violated that's the end of the story and you need to apologise and respect the boundary from now on. YTA.

I'm curious for her side because it doesn't seem to makes sense to me

Soft men get soft experiences.. sad but true. Buck up. You are not that asshole. Stop letting her be the boss. I assure you she doesn’t want to be. Take charge.

YTA. The men not understanding in these comments won’t ever know what it feels like to have someone else INSIDE of your own body. And how easily it can turn into something horrific. It is the most vulnerable you can be. Your own body being penetrated by another.

"entered her with no warning"??? How is rubbing his dick on her ass crack first not warning, or at least the same as knocking before entering? I say NTA, but a good 2-way discussion is warranted.

I think she feels used, hurt, and confused about the whole thing. It sounds like she would have gladly reciprocated, but you went ahead without her knowing for 1 to 2 minutes. It reminds me of a person I know who came to me confused after finding out her partner was having sex with her while she was asleep. Ultimately, she loved the man, but she was hurt at the thought of being used without her consent. I know that it's very different circumstances, but I think the common factor is consent and feeling violated by the person they trust most. The person who they expect to protect them.

I guess the only other thing I'm confused about is you hurting your wife if you go too long. If you're hurting your wife, I think you're doing something wrong. I understand rough sex, but you shouldn't be hurting your wife more than she wants. Maybe she likes the shower sex because you're not able to hurt her as much in there. Talk about it, especially the hurting her part.

YTA. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk to her. Apologise. Profusely.

You didn’t think to say 'actually that feels really good' or something, to give her a heads up, you just frotted against her and dived straight back in with no words and no warning?

YTA, you could have said to her you were feeling like you could finish and if she still wanted to help you. You should have communicated. Just because you just had sex, doesn't mean you can just push it in there again after you both agreed it to be done. You communicate with her and asks if she is okay with it. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean there is no need to ask for consent.

YTA. You violated your wife’s trust and are now mad at her for making you feel like a creep? Because she didn’t instantly get over it when you were apologetic?

You messed up and hurt your wife and now you’re digging yourself into a deeper hole.

You felt like a massive perv and a creep because you used your wife’s body for your pleasure without her consent. You treated her like a human flesh light after you said you were done with sex.

It’s normal to feel bad when you hurt someone you love. You need to actually try to make things right with your wife. And it’s going to take a while.

You violated her and then dismissed her feelings on being violated because you didn’t like how that made you feel about yourself.

You may have acted thoughtlessly and impulsively, but you doubling down and defending your behavior now definitely makes you an asshole.

YTA. Consent is ONGOING. It’s not “she said yes once so I can carry on whenever”. Your wife feels violated. It doesn’t matter what’s said here. You fucked up massively.

No consent = YTA. It would have been trivial for you to say ‘I guess I am going to finish. You up for that?’ or anything to establish consent.

YTA.

Apologize. Admit you were wrong. Apologize again. Tell her you read the situation entirely wrong. You should have said you changed your mind and asked if she was still in the mood. Tell her you love her and hope she can forgive you and trust you again.

This is what happened. This is what needs to happen now.

If it were me, I would be happy and excited that you were able to finish and I wouldn’t have any problem at all with that- but my boyfriend knows that I am 10000% always down for sex. That said, he checks in with me frequently to make sure that I’m enjoying myself, like constantly. He accosted me today in the bathroom when we were changing out of our swimsuits and he asked if he was hurting me. He was, but I’m into that. 🤪

But anyhow, I think that you need to have a conversation with her. It’s important to have enthusiastic consent from your partner during sex.

YTA. I’ll be simple here, what you did counts as rape. there was no consent to that.

Entering a woman after you said no, AFTER she moved on and her body was calming down, when she’s no longer consenting to sex, with no fucking warning or communication, is horrible.

That’s rape.

NTA as a wife POV.. if I was in this situation with my husband I wouldn’t think anything of it.. shower sex is difficult and sometimes harder to finish so… if my husband felt close and we were just being intimate.. and he was visibly hard/stroking it on me…. I’m pretty sure I know what to expect next.. no need to ask… if she wasn’t comfortable she had 1-2 minutes to say please stop.. I don’t understand some people’s logic 🤦🏽‍♀️ I feel like the R word just gets thrown around so easily on Reddit.

I personally wouldn't have gotten offended, but that's just me

As someone who's been sexually assaulted a number of times, this would ruin me and I wouldn't be able to return to what we had. This counts as sexual assault for me.

YTA

I mean I think all the yta people are being very dramatic. But like I dunno the whole situation sounds fuckin weird. You should talk to your wife like if she wasn't down she very easily could have said no. It's not like it was totally random and I imagine it's not the first time I've definitely had "damn I'm not going to finish", only for my partner to turn around and cave man brain activation upon seeing her butt. I don't think you're an ass op, but you should talk to your wife.

NAH. No one's the asshole. You had a miscommunication during sex. This happens, even after 15 years.

She told you that she felt the window had closed and your non-verbal lead up was insufficient. That doesn't mean your an evil perv, it just means she'd like additional verbal communication int he future. I would hope, after that long together, you'd be able to let go of any need to be "right or wrong" and just see it as a learning experience that will help you know your partner better.

As a side note, from the female perspective, I suspect the soap you were enjoying so much outside her body was a lot less fun inside her body. Also, water is not a lubricant.

OP, you're the asshole. Soooo much. And so is every implied consent/non-consent apologist in this thread. The fact that you're here instead of listening to your wife is very worrying. This should not be a topic up for discussion. The fact that it is, that so many people are saying "of course it's fine, they're in a relationship", is a sad indicator for the future.

It would've taken less than a second to let her know you were still in the mood. You didn't. And why? So you could have an orgasm? Your hand could do that. Or was finishing in your wife the goal? Sex should be about the mutual gratification of two people. What you did was use your wife like a fleshlight.

Dude this is gray area. I (f59) am with you it was still in the window but the surprise re entry is where you get the maybe not a good idea. Some warning would have been better than the surprise re entry.

You should sit down tell her the truth she turned around you got overly stimulated and a senior moment or teenage boy rewind, "This is to good to be true all mine" moment and dived in and apologize for not being more aware of your actions. You just say got hot and bothered didn't think and will not do it again.

She may appreciate the point you still think that rear is that fine you couldn't not touch her. Only next time give a girl a warning. Especially if your a good sized guy. The surprise re entry can be uncomfortable.

So after reading this story and then reading some comments, I think I'm the asshole now.

I kind of agree with OP, it was a minute after she asked and it's not like she couldn't say no. It's not like he can just slide it in without her tooting it a little bit. I think if she didn't want it she would have said something when she felt him stroking it on her ass. Idk maybe this is something I don't understand myself.

I would say NTA solely on the basis that you were already having sex and she knew you didn't finish. Also the fact that she had to let him in to finish. Is she afraid of you to not say something in the moment. Any woman married for this amount of time would know how her husband is.

I think a serious conversation needs to be had to make sure this doesn't happen again and to make sure that she understands that you would not have done it at all if you knew she didn't want you to.

Good Luck my guy!

I guess I would have given her a heads up for your heads up. I would hope that she would be understanding with fair warning, especially since she was already satisfied

She felt violated and therefore you’re obligated to correct that. However, if she gave no indication that she wasnt ok with it following yall just having sex, then I could see how it felt like an extension of the entire experience to you. You feel defensive and that’s normal. You still owe her an apology and to make a commitment to her to never make her feel that way again. There are several ways you could have approached that scenario differently but that’s hindsight of course. My wife would have been excited if I’d have “taken” her like that but she’s into CNC. Obviously yours isn’t. It’ll be ok if you make it ok.

YTA

The fuck is this. You violated your wife and you're like "doh I feel like a perv".

Marital rape is a crime in a lot of places dude. Stop acting like you don't understand how consent works.

These responses are unbelievable. It’s a husband and wife. Who had just had sex. He didn’t finish. She wanted him to. Did she object when you re-entered? If she did and you continued on, then that’s an issue. If she seemed into it, why would you stop? You don’t always ask for permission with a spouse. You just stop if he or she isn’t accepting or flat out rejects your advances. Based on what we know as outsiders, this is not as clear cut as some are making it out to be.

I recommend watching when do you make someone tea to better understand why your wife is upset. Essentially, if someone wanted tea earlier, but they no longer want tea now, you don’t pour the tea down their throat and say but you really liked this tea like 2 minutes ago.

"mood kinda sucky" definitely sounds like something a grown adult would say 🙃

Bruh just no. No.

Two heads and not enough blood to run them both. 😒

Kinda the ah, she offered to finish or help you,you pulling that so not cool, at that point you were just using her