This morning I woke up early to order myself coffee so he could take our son to pick it up and “surprise” me. Then they went to the grocery store and thoughtfully picked out my favorite breakfast and came home.

My husband made half of the breakfast and then asked me to make the other half. No problem. He acknowledged that he was asking me to do the work and still taking credit for the benefit of our kids’ experience and memories.

It WAS no problem until he went upstairs to “go to the bathroom” and after 45 minutes I walked upstairs to check on him and he was asleep in our bed. He slept the entire afternoon.

Later that day I was doing the absolute mountain of dishes (my third load for the day, that’s another story) and he asked me to make a grocery list. I asked if he could please make the list because I am in the middle of doing the dishes, and further tried to coax him by using Mother’s Day in a playful way. I really didn’t want to drop what I was doing to look in the fridge he was already standing right in front of to tell him what we needed for dinner. He knows what the ingredients are, he could easily look himself, but he insisted I “help” him. I was super frustrated so I took a deep breath, washed and dried my hands, and then opened the fridge and started telling him what we need.

He could sense my frustration and called me on it. I explained that I was really hoping he could make a list himself just this once because I was in the middle of doing the dishes. I explained that when I make a grocery list I just look at what we have and write down what we don’t have, and I didn’t understand why he NEEDED my help. He started talking over me to say if I had a problem making a grocery list with him I should just have told him. I told him that I DID communicate that with him, he doubled down and told me that I need to learn some patience.

I smiled and said “Happy Father’s Day,” because it was the nicest thing I could think to say. That completely set him off. He went off on me, refused to get ingredients to make our dinner, bought dinner for only himself and our kids, and has been giving me the silent treatment for over an hour. He says I went too far. AITAH?

ETA: wow, I did not realize I was going to wake up to so much to read. Thank you for all of your feedback. I have been enjoying my self-brewed coffee this morning and taking in your responses. I have a lot to look over and think about. I know divorce is the obvious answer.

Edit 2:

No, divorce isn’t the obvious answer for this specific incident. (Edit: 3- I mean the idea of divorce is not solely based on this one specific incident. Several people have commented thinking everyone is jumping to divorce based on this one situation. It is more complex than this one day.)

No, I’m not using Reddit as a poll for whether or not to leave my marriage.

TIL how to make Reddit paragraphs.

Both of our mothers are dead unfortunately.

Our children are 6 and under. It is common for parents to help and facilitate the day. 6 year olds and toddlers can’t be responsible for celebrating their parents. I didn’t “expect” anything from him. I know it’s just a Hallmark Consumerism holiday.

People who have commented are correct in saying that this incident is just representative of every other day, but magnified by the fact that Mother’s Day was a particularly shitty day to choose to be particularly shitty.

I felt like maybe I was TA for making the petty comment. I am ND and sometimes I have trouble picking up on if I did something wrong that I maybe didn’t realize was wrong to say or do.

I appreciate all of the anecdotes of your strength and ability to move forward after leaving an exhausting marriage. It is inspiring.

Edit/ Answers to your questions / Update 4:

Since Sunday I have not lifted a single finger for Baby Sinclair (my internal nickname for him). Unless it directly impacts our kids, every time he requests my help or to do something for him that he can do himself I just use my absolute sweetest voice let him know he doesn’t need my help and I believe in his ability to complete the task himself. Then I smile and walk away. The third time I did this, he said I was making him uneasy. I could not help but to LOL, which made him announce that he felt more uneasy.

I know it wasn’t kind, but I calmly told him he is a pathetic human. I told him I’m sorry it has to be me, but someone in his life needs to tell him to grow the fuck up. I told him I care about him and I love him but I will not tolerate being treated with disrespect even one more day. He said I am abusive. The actual audacity…!

I spared the divorce conversation (for safety and because I have said many times before I want to leave and financially it isn’t possible right now.).

Side note: I tried to leave last year because he was making me feel unsafe and his behavior was erratic. I went to the emergency room in a mental breakdown and told them about the abuse, which they noted in detail on my file. They asked about any plans to escape and I told them I had it covered, and answered their questions about my plan. I had been planning for our escape for a year leading up to this. They told me they had to document the reported abuse in my file. I asked them to check my chart to make sure it is not tied to his account. They looked at it in front of me and said they “made sure” he wasn’t on my emergency contacts or attached to my chart in any way…but then guess who got an email with my chart notes detailing his abuse and my exit plan before I even got home?

I had to cool things down and start over with a new plan that I kept entirely to myself. At this point though, he knew I had saved up money to leave so most of my savings was depleted within a couple of months.

I eventually left with our kids with far less savings and it didn’t take long for me to realize I could not sustain the cost of my original bills (still in my name) and new bills in addition to legal assistance and the overall cost of starting over.

Our leaving caused him to spiral and he went back to therapy. Soon after, we started to dip our toes into visiting each other (mostly because I didn’t want to leave our kids with him). We stuck to outdoor public activities as a family. He has always been able to wear me down and talk me out of a divorce, and this ended up no differently.

Even though I know I’m not an anomaly, I felt ashamed and like a complete failure for going back.

Surprisingly, he never actually changed ( / s).

(End of side note)

Anyway, back to present day: I began to grey rock to throw off his cycle of attempting to rope me back into the argument from the other day. I have calmly listened to him gush over his love for our family, and how much he loves and appreciates me and thinks I am an amazing mom. He says he loves me but all I hear in my head is his voice screaming “fucking bitch” at me. It all sounds so obviously disingenuous. I told him his words mean literally nothing while his behavior is the same. It’s like saying waffles have legs… it sounds unbelievable and if I don’t see it with my own eyes, I’m not believing it. I told him regardless of if in the end we stay together or not, we need to go back to therapy as a duo and separately. I told him he needs to take steps today to move forward with therapy and treating his mental health appropriately. He agreed, but no evidence of walking waffles yet.

I am surprised at my ability to completely refuse to do anything he can do himself. I’m more surprised that he’s actually doing the tasks himself. I have tried this before and he ultimately bullies me into doing the task. Not this time. He keeps complaining about his results in ways that are so juvenile and manipulative, always leaving the impression that if I had just done it for him it would have been done correctly. I just smile and tell him he did a good job with the task and tell him that it sounds like he needs more practice and eventually it will become second nature. I am feeling his attempts to make me miserable, but it is rolling right off of me. At least for now.

I cannot express enough how much I appreciate the support and validation here. I appreciate the married people who have shared what their day was like on Sunday (and everyday) as a healthy couple.

For those of you who have asked why I am taking to the internet with this in the first place:

I have been isolated from my circle for so long my relationships no longer exist. I have limited family period, and no family nearby. My mom is dead. My dad sucks. My siblings mostly suck. I have no friends. I work virtually and don’t have friendships with my coworkers because we rarely socialize and have opportunities to bond. I don’t have opportunities to interact with adults very often. Isn’t that the beauty of the internet? Despite my logical brain, years of gaslighting along with my Neurodivergence have made it sometimes feel impossible to trust my own judgment.

If you are offended by me posting this and have taken the time to voice your disgust for me and my post, I just want to let you know I have processed your complaints and directed them to the correct department. Thank you for your feedback.