I am not having a baby any time soon but maybe within the next 10 years I have to plan to. I am PETRIFIED of getting ppd or psychosis? Maybe because I’ve been watching a lot of true crime lately (taking a break) with cases from women suffering from ppd and psychosis but I also know my reality of my mental health history.
I have CPTSD, depression, and anxiety. (Grew up with n.parents. Poverty. Neglect. Emotional and psychological abuse. Getting back at the other parent for divorce was my legacy to my parents)
I have been depressed literally my entire life (I’m 26). Idek what happiness truly is and it’s a bit scary. As in I can feel it in a moment of maybe an hour at most if that’s how it works?
I struggle a lot with social anxiety. I’d say social anxiety is my main problem tbh. Depression I’m used to n it doesn’t impact me too much when I’m away from my family. But I ruminate on my past every split second of silence. It’s my brains default. But I had this amazing therapy program for trauma teaching CBT and they taught us that u can change ur brains default way of thinking. Idk what else to think of because all my family talks about is the past n the past impacts everything i do currently. Maybe I just always have to be busy. They told us the only real way to get through trauma is to be distracted which has been true for me but of course CBT makes it easier. N I was my happiest with CBT.
But my biggest fear is kindof dissociating like “I just made a baby” wtf. Like I still subconsciously view myself as a kid in some ways I think. Or is it normal to be shocked u created another human. Idk how to explain it lol. I also worry how I can’t provide a normal family for my baby like I didn’t have either. Although my boyfriend has a great family. So I’m grateful we have that.
I don’t have a support system. All I have is my boyfriend. I wish I did it’s all I want rlly.
I won’t have a baby if I’m not financially ready or mentally but even if I am I really fear ppd. I don’t want to take meds but I 100% will to not risk getting ppd when the time comes.
Please share your stories or thoughts.
I’m curious to see ur art now 🥸
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