What do you think is fun? To start, I would try and make movement as enjoyable, fun, and non-grueling as possible.

Like a 30 minute power walk sounds boring to me. But I do like to ride my bike along the river and watch the birds and discover new places to eat a snack along the way. So I do that sometimes. And I do like climbing, so I do that. I have goals too - like wanting to go on a couple hundred mile bike trip, but its because I find it fun, so I'll do training to achieve that. But I would start by trying to find something you like.

Do you like dancing? Gardening? Swimming? Climbing trees? Finding new scenic/secluded places to sit and have a snack(aka hiking)? Wrestling people onto the ground? Lifting heavy objects and putting them back down? Try a bit of it at a time and if you like it stick with it.

I can't start things if I don't like them much either - even if I do have energy.

Eventually it's like a curse and if I don't get moving for a day or two, I'll shake out of my seat. Plus it starts to feel good to do more and to make it more challenging. But take it slow at first.

You got this! Good luck!

PS has your partner considered adventure sports, like paragliding? Not trying to be condescending but its actually a great thrill seeking outlet.

Hey, I know this is a bit of an old thread. But wanted to hop in and echo some understanding about how tricky a spot you are in.

Funny enough, I went through something really similar with my partner about four years ago. He wanted non-monogamy and I was down to give it a try, but had really intense physical reactions and was in deep overwhelm whenever the subject was broached. I'm also autistic and it was getting in the way of my ability to function.

The thing is, I really like the framework of allowing partners freedom to self actualize, defining and negotiating relationships according to our needs and desires. Basically, there was a lot about non-monogamy (and in particular, kitchen table polyamory) that appealed to me intellectually but I couldn't get my body on the same page.

And, to echo what you said here, a lot about the relationship was right. We were really compatible in a number of big ways, had similar desires from life, and were best friends.

And so I stayed, and I kept trying. Now, some of this is because I actually do have trauma, due to damaging emotional dynamics through childhood I do have some codependence and attachment fears that were established pretty young with my parents. And if I was in a similar situation again right now, I would absolutely not stay, no sir, no way. But...I don't know that I would tell myself to leave if I could go back in time. So I won't tell you what to do here but I will tell you how it played out for me.

I'm still with that partner. The first two years were terribly painful, but...they were also filled with adventures with my best friend. Admittedly, we've never really dated anyone else. We went on dates in the early days but then covid happened. But there were dating apps and flirting. We were constantly negotiating what the boundaries were, we were both constantly on edge.

But we also both REALLY wanted it to work. We ended up in couples counseling for a year. It was a lot of work. A LOT of work. Honestly it was a lot of Type 2 sort of fun and it was grueling at times...

But the counseling... worked. Therapy worked, talking and learning about each other worked.

And right now? We are super solid, haven't been in counseling for a year, are admittedly (it took a long time for me to admit this) monogamous. We'll be together for a long time. I think going through all the muck actually made us really capable of understanding and working with each other.

Here's the thing, my partner has trauma too, in a similar shape to mine (emotionally immature parents, divorced households). But he developed the opposite coping mechanisms to mine, he needs freedom to feel safe, I need intimacy to feel safe. Freedom makes me feel a bit unsafe sometimes, and for him, intimacy can feel unsafe. It relates to the way we were treated when we were young and how we learned to take care of ourselves. We needed to find a way to meet in the middle, he needed to learn to allow himself to be vulnerable and I needed to state my needs, allow independence, both for myself and for him.

In order for me to feel safe, I need monogamy. It isn't a shortcoming. I needed to admit that and before I did, it wasn't really fair to the relationship because we couldn't negotiate or discuss from an honest place.

We still have conversations about what boundaries our relationship has. Monogamy doesn't need to be one size fits all. We can meet both our needs if we are honest to ourselves about what they are.

He's ok with being monogamous because there are many ways to get your sense of freedom fulfilled that don't involve non-monogamy. He decided that this relationship with monogamous boundaries is cool with him and meets his needs. I've decided that this relationship with monogamous boundaries is cool and meets my needs.

So yeah, discuss your needs, be curious about what lies behind them. If she suggests you have trauma, maybe she does too and she should look more into the root of her own needs. Regardless, needs aren't things to be solved or removed. They are things we need to learn to embrace and take care of in our partner, sometimes in different shapes than expected. But it can take a fair amount of work. Third parties help. Take care of yourself, take care of each other.

That's true - I likely have to come to terms with the mystery never being solved.

If they keep coming around then I'm going to work on earning their trust and taking them to the vet for a chip check - then owners or a shelter nearby.

Thanks!

I agree with this a lot a lot. It’s hard in the earlier stages because it might be that there ARE compatibility issues and you’re still making the decision whether or not this persons issues sit ok enough with you and your issues.

But I do think it’s why it’s a common refrain to hear that you must “choose your partner everyday” (went to a wedding recently and that was in the vows) because some days it is HARD.

I’ve been with my partner for four years. I love them a lot. We will go the distance and are deeply committed to one another. I’ve decided to accept them and their issues.

But man, some days that is hard. Some weeks it’s hard. Love ebbs and flows. I find especially if you have stimulation issues and live together. Sometimes another person is loud and gross and their emotions are too much. My goal is to develop and maintain a deep respect for one another to ferry us through those times.

And a deep respect for the self to sit and listen to the ick and ask “is there something else I need here?” because sometimes it is a sign of an unmet need and sometimes that needs to be provided by the self or communicated to your partner. It’s tricky!

FWIW, I appreciated your take and didn’t find it condescending or over-explaining. The other person was being unnecessarily combattive and rude.

I agree that we exist in a system which incentivizes behavior which hurts us and that we should be fighting to change the system, rather than the people who are being incentivized within it. But it’s a delicate topic of discussion because those people cause harm and so people tend to want to lay blame with them. 

But ultimately, I agree with you that they are a product of a system and it’s the system that must change. Easier said than done, I suppose.

28F - Grenoble, France

Just moved to the area with my partner and looking for some new bikepacking buds! Moving from SF, so we've done a lot of riding around the mountains and coast of Washington, Oregon, and California. Mostly weekenders and the like. I usually take a pretty leisurely pace and time to explore the places we pass through (especially in Europe and all the lovely little villages!)

Actually heading out on a ride in the Vercors for five days this Saturday so if anyone sees this and wants to join, I'll share deets. But otherwise message me and maybe we can make something work in the future!

Hiking up is popular, and then you land back by your car. In fact, it’s a type of paragliding called “hike and fly”. It’s my favorite!

But a lot of people will drive up and sometimes even fly to a totally new place - cross-country flying. In that case, usually the community will organize a retrieve driver to chase people, and people will carpool up the mountain, then retrieve the vehicle when they get back to wherever they met up at the bottom of the mountain.

The community is the best part of paragliding, IMO. There are a lot of really great people and you get to know them because you end up spending a good amount of time sitting around watching the weather.

I climbed my first V5 in the gym! I only had to project it for two sessions. I was shaking so hard from adrenaline afterward that I ended the session a little early. Still so psyched!

Hey! I recently went through the Campus France process after receiving an acceptance from my graduate school. You can apply through their platform as an "HDAP Allege" and provide a copy of your acceptance. If you haven't yet applied to a program then I would apply directly (not through Campus France as it closed on January 1st of this year) and then upon receiving acceptance, go through the "HDAP Allege" process. You need the pre-approval from Campus France in order to move on to the visa application (it requires a reference number for your Campus France application).

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Best of luck. There's a good bit of bureaucratic hoops to hop through. Happy to answer more questions if you have them!

Hey! I can get into a similar dynamic with my partner and have had similar conversations recently!

Proud of you for standing your ground and speaking in a way that helps disrupt the communication status quo. Since my partner and I started doing that — I’ve noticed our emotional capacity and ability to connect with each other has really increased. I hope the same for you!

9 hours of sleep is definitely still a completely normal amount, especially if you’re physically active.

My understanding is that they determine age by doing an ultrasound and measuring what they see, so this wouldn’t work ):

Ok so my take is that talk therapy is trash for people with BPD. Like most of us grew up “playing mature” and have a lot of verbal intellect around emotions. Personally, talking is how I justify myself and perpetuate my own patterns.

Finding a therapist who does somatic work changed my life. She wouldn’t let me talk much in the first six months or so and even now when I start talking she asks me to go into my body. It’s taken two years but theres soooo much more of a difference now than years of talk therapy.

That’s my two cents - maybe try somatics. Maybe I got lucky. Therapists do suck sometimes.

Oops! Welcome to San Francisco! Our summer hits in September and you happened by during one of the worst heat waves California has seen in a long time. It is quite toasty out. Make sure to hydrate and enjoy the rest of your visit!

TIL that CA residents are entitled to a library card from any library in the state. Way cool. Thanks for that.

You can get an Alameda county card online as well. (:

I’ve been seeing my therapist from the Center for Somatic Psychotherapy for two or so years now and they’re absolutely amazing!

They’re students but really excellent. My partner also started with therapy thru them and likes their therapist a lot.

You get assigned to one after an intake but if it doesn’t click you are allowed to swap and payment is a sliding scale based on income.

It sounds more like you want to try a hatha class than a vinyasa class.

In hatha, you do fewer poses, spend longer in each, with adjustments and easing into. As opposed to flowing from pose to pose with the breath like in vinyasa.

A number of spots will offer that. I went to Yoga Garden for years and adored it, their hatha instruction was terrific as well.

This question feels like “what traits can I use to dehumanize those around me” and thus would say that it is a sign of marked low emotional intelligence.

Me too! The creaking sounds and bump bump bump. Very nostalgic. I’m pretty sure the amusement park by my hometown (which is world famous and so fairly up to date) still has one.

Hey as a “philosophically-poly-leaning” non-binary, pan, alt person, I just want to say keep waving your monogamous flag. Sorry you get trouble for it.

I actually have an entangled partner and we shacked up during covid, we both were poly before in casual partnerships but now it’s just the two of us and I want to say, you’re totally right. Poly does multiply the amount of complexity and anybody who says differently I tend to be veeeerrrry skeptical of.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving past the monogamous - polyamorous dichotomy. I read a book recently — “Designer Relationships” and that tends to be more of where my philosophy falls — allow relationships to grow organically, recognize that each relationship (friendship, romance, familial) demands resources and act accordingly to respect the needs of yourself and others. And the needs and wants and shapes of different relationships is a moving thing and should be discussed with some regularity to respect those involved.

But yeah, I hear you.

A lot of people here are suggesting active rest day activities to give your body a break but it also sounds like you want a list to check off. I understand this, it actually really helps me get into a “productive groove” and build some inertia when I have a more structured workout.

Consider taking one day to do a stretching routine like the one “Starting to Stretch” (or something like that) on /r/flexibility. It will have more structure than an hour of yoga and you can go to the gym to do it. And it’s so damn uncomfortable that it feels like you’re doing something productive hahaha — at least for me.

Call 911, if you're concerned about police involvement then know that starting at the end of June, police will not be first responders but instead, the SF Street Crisis team will be available for calls like this one. Even before June, it is likely that the SF Street Crisis team will be involved, but the best way to get them involved is to call 911.

I went to a townhall at Manny's recently where two leaders on homelessness talked about this and their response was to use 911. The non-emergency line is for reporting things like trash in the street, or someone improperly parked. Humans definitely deserve the use of the emergency line and they are staffing up teams on the other end to deal with things like this.

Also shoutout to Manny's. Check it out if you haven't been, lots of good civic events happening there.

If you’re losing inches then you are becoming slim.

Inflammation due to micro tears in the muscle causes swelling which causes you to retain more water and weigh more. Scale readings are only really helpful when taken regularly and averaged. That’s a totally normal fluctuation.