Your MIL is rude and passive-aggressive, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Your husband should be defending you and telling his mother to stop commenting on your weight, but instead he's making excuses for her ugly behavior. 

You might want to let him know that his mother's comments are hurtful and unkind, and that you are incredibly disappointed in him when he chooses to defend HER instead of being your advocate. It's not the treatment a woman deserves from a man who claims to love her.

She's not going to accept you, and you don't need or deserve the heartache of having a MIL who despises you. At age 20, your boyfriend should not be allowing his parents to decide who he will or won't date. The fact that they are even trying to force him to break up is a HUGE red flag. You are too young to volunteer for a lifetime of conflict with these people. Please find a man who not only loves and values you himself, but whose family is excited to welcome you. Your life will be so much better if you do.

You don't have to let your grandmother go. Or, for that matter, your brother or mother, either. You can simply put them on an "information diet" by restricting what you tell them about your personal business (which includes work and love life). 

Essentially, don't tell them anything you would not want repeated to your father. Engage in pleasant, polite conversation and try to keep the focus on THEM, not yourself. When they start asking about your life, gently steer the conversation away. And if they notice that you're being more private, simply tell them that you "don't like putting anyone in the position of feeling they have to keep secrets." It conveys the message that you know someone was passing on info to your father, without accusing. 

If you make it clear that you value your privacy, you leave the door open for your mother and brother to prove they are trustworthy.

No one deserves the treatment you've described here. There are two things you said that are wrong, though: you absolutely CAN miss what you never had, especially if that is the love and acceptance of a parent. And, she did not ruin your potential. She has no control over that. 

If I can ask: why does she even know how to contact you? Truly curious. You're in your 20s, and graduated with honors so you are capable and intelligent. You can start over: move away from where are now, don't give her your address. Change your number, don't tell her the new one, and block her preemptively. Have her emails directed into a special folder that you never have to open.

You are smart and resourceful enough to make a fresh start. Find work you enjoy, make friends, and create a family of your own choice with people who value and care about you. 

I'm the INTJ in our marriage and I encounter this a lot (although it's magnified because I'm female, and "social niceties" are expected of me to an even greater degree). I'm naturally analytical and curious when others state an opinion. The more forcefully and confidently it's stated, the more I want to hear the person's reasoning. 

Have you considered socializing in slightly larger groups --- e.g., 3 or 4 couples, instead of just two? Two wives and two husbands around a table can be a lot of pressure for an introvert who struggles with small talk. In slightly larger numbers, people tend to sort themselves into conversational groups based on interest and/or desire for more in-depth discussion. It would also give your husband more opportunity to listen and, in a larger group, his questions may be less likely to be perceived as confrontational.

Don't give up the desire for marriage, but perhaps give up actively searching for it. I decided to "take a break" from dating and focus on friendships, working, and studying. It changed the way I interacted with others. The fact that I wasn't consciously trying to impress or attract anyone allowed me to be more authentic. My now-husband was a friend of a friend who I'd met briefly but we'd rarely spoken. We started talking --- as friends looking for common interests, not (intentionally) interviewing for the position of life partner --- and were married in less than a year.

Definitely not normal. Why are you flying 8 hours to see someone who is too busy to take off work for your visit? Can't you tell her to let you know when she is available to be with you, and then you'll see if it's a good time for you?

You just got a taste of what your life WOULD have been if you had married your ex. This is not a trustworthy man. This is not a man who wants commitment. Instead, he prefers to buy the companionship of vapid young women with no regard for your feelings or dignity. He childishly hides from you --- not because of lingering feelings FOR you, but because he's embarrassed at not behaving like an adult. You should be grateful that he showed his true nature now, not in 5 or 10 or 20 years when your life would be inextricably bound up with his.  

You "proceed" by letting your friends know that you aren't interested in hearing about his adventures with the "psycho bunny boiler" or any successors. You block her so there's no chance of inadvertently seeing the photos. And you move on like a woman who knows her worth --- which is far too great to wait around, pining for a man who will inevitably chase the next shiny object that wanders by. You deserve better.

Your last sentence: "Debating formal cutoff."

Formal cutoff is the most effective way to stop this. It sounds like there's been a pattern of tempers exploding, silence for a period of time, then acting "like everything was normal." You are the one who can take the first steps to break this cycle, by expressing your wishes explicitly. 

It doesn't have to be confrontational. You can write something like, "I've finally realized how dysfunctional our relationship is, and how destructive it is to my emotional and mental health to constantly be in conflict with you. This past year with no contact has been so much more peaceful that I'm now certain it's healthiest for all of us. I'm asking you to honor my wishes in this, but regardless, I won't be responding to your messages or answering calls."

This is the price of disrupting a toxic, destructive family system. Your mother has conditioned them to fear upsetting her so much that they'll choose "keeping the peace" over relationships.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on building bonds outside the family to provide the support and stability you won't get within it. A "family of choice" instead of biology. If your relatives see that you've managed to be happy and well-adjusted even without your mother's approval, they may eventually follow your example and break away from the people-pleasing mindset that empowers her.

To your knowledge, does this woman profess to be a believer? If not, you're under no obligation to rebuke her when she sins, or to voice whether her relationship is "good in God's eyes." She didn't ask your advice or opinion on the morality of her engagement. You want to be a good influence in her life? Conduct yourself in a way that makes her wonder why you are so different from others she knows. Pronouncing your disapproval of her lifestyle isn't Christ-like or biblical, and isn’t likely to make her curious about what sets you apart.

Again, though --- if you're mad about the ex being around instead of understanding that BF's mom is an adult who can spend time with anyone she wants, it's no surprise if she doesn't particularly want to get to know you. Think about it from her perspective: she has a grown son and has probably seen his GFs come and go. (No insult to you, just a fact.) Some of them she was probably close to, some of them she could care less. But it's not the new GF who gets to dictate who mom can keep in her life. If you get mad about it, you come off as controlling and insecure. 

Basically, if you go looking for reasons to feel disrespected, you'll find them.

Speaking as a parent of adults, I'd prefer that my son not be with a controlling GF, but if that's what he chooses, I can't stop him. However, if she tries to tell ME who I can spend MY time with, we've got a problem. Just saying, if you want to get along with your BF's mom, pay more attention to being respectful to HER than worrying about who she lets in her house.

Wow. MIL certainly leveled up in the "jealousy / competition with son's partner" game. I'm sorry he had to deal with this, but it's pretty irrefutable proof that his mother is a lunatic. So there's that.

Sounds like the real issue is that you don't trust your boyfriend's commitment to you and are worried that his mom has enough influence to end your relationship. If that's true, the last thing you want to do is antagonize her by trying to dictate who can be her FB friend or come into HER house (or try to get her son to do it for you). She's a grown woman with every right to talk to his ex-GFs whenever, wherever she chooses. You want her to respect you? You won't get that by trying to control her.

Also ... 💯 NTA.

You are a good man for wanting to protect your wife.

My MIL did the EXACT same thing --- down to asking "how do you know you were really pregnant?" and calling my husband to demand details of when I "passed the baby." She expressed annoyance about having to "call everybody to let them know I'm not having another grandbaby" (when we'd explicitly asked her not to share the news to begin with) & later told me, "What you don't understand is, that was MY BABY, too, & you shut me out of grieving!" --- because I hadn't provided her with a play-by-play of EVERY. SINGLE. THING. that happened. 

It was the beginning of the end. We have now been estranged from my in-laws for almost 6 years (ironically, at HER insistence) but there were years of heartache & abuse before & after the miscarriage debacle. At minimum, your MIL needs to be on an information diet until she APOLOGIZES unconditionally & without reservations. She is unlikely to do so, but it needs to be the non-negotiable condition for any relationship going forward. Not a line in the sand. A line in CONCRETE.

NTA. "Policing language" is not the same as having no interest in listening to someone bash their soon-to-be ex. Lisa has no right to demand that you be her "vent friend" now, especially if HE actually is your best friend.

Also, a bit of friendly advice: you should keep Lisa out of your house when no one else is there. Something's not right with that.

NTA. Let your "mutual friends" know that Sarah still needs a place & you'll be happy to pass on their numbers since you know they'll want to host her.

He wanted to leave his dog next to you while he sat elsewhere? Nope. Definitely NTA.

Yeah, that's not a "boundary." 

A boundary is something you set for yourself, not others: "When/if you do X, I will respond with Y." It's not TELLING someone else what they can or cannot do, or demanding that they obey you. You're suggesting that OP give his wife an order & throw in a little psychology speak to make it sound legit. 

OP can explain that he's uncomfortable and ask his wife to take a pair of sleep shorts. If they have a good marriage, she'd probably be happy to accommodate his request. But saying he's "not going to put up with" sleeping in her underwear at a friend's house? That probably won't go as well.

YTA. Not for having an opinion, but for telling your wife she's a "shitty partner." That's the nuclear option & you used it to try to get your way without having to hear her out. It's the kind of behavior that makes women stop talking to their partners entirely.

If she tells you she wraps herself in a blanket, believe her until you have an actual reason to doubt it. And seriously ... you're so focused on John potentially ogling her that it never occurs to you that she's just as likely to be showing that thong to JANE?!?

I don't want to sound harsh, but I'll tell you what we finally realized with MIL: it's not that she doesn't know (because the truth is right there if she would only listen) but that she actually doesn't care. Truly. She values being "right" --- which simply means NOT being held accountable for any of the harmful things she does or says --- more than the relationship with her family. 

When my in-laws got angry at my husband, they completely cut off our children, as well. Stopped calling, emailing, or acknowledging birthdays, holidays, & graduations. Our youngest is 15 & has not seen, spoken to, or even gotten a birthday card from these grandparents since age 9. They ceased all contact with our entire family because MIL gets more mileage out of playing the victim to anyone who will listen, than seeing or speaking to her own grandkids.

All of that is to say: it isn't ignorance of the harm they've done. It's a complete lack of willingness to see, hear, or give a d*mn about anything but their own perspective.

We're just a few weeks shy of 6 years with no contact, except rare occasions when MIL decides it's been too long since she reminded us that her sons & grandchildren "rejected" & "abandoned" her. The truth is, MIL & FIL are the ones who insisted on NC. They want my DH to say that our daughters & I are all "oversensitive" & made up lies about MIL's behavior. Until he "admits" that MIL has never done anything wrong & would NEVER do or say anything to hurt anyone in the family, they say they want nothing to do with us. They will never change. 

No (or low) contact is a way to set boundaries. You can't go into it with the idea that you're going to change someone, because you won't. You minimize contact for YOUR peace of mind, not to benefit them.

Your husband has been conditioned his whole life to walk on eggshells & cater to his mother's behavior. Often, families don't even recognize that this is not a healthy way of relating. It's just the way mom (or grandpa, or cousin Billy) has always been.

My MIL sounds very similar to yours. There are two main things I did to save my sanity. First, she needs to be on an information diet. Your business is YOURS. You and your husband don't owe it to anyone to keep them informed of everything that goes on in your life, relationship, finances, etc. Look up the "gray rock method" and start practicing it ASAP. It will make MIL very angry at first, and she'll try guilt and anger and pouting and manipulation to make you stop, but the storm will blow over if you stick with it.

Second, your husband needs to educate himself about narcissistic character traits. I started out by sending DH shorter articles that dealt with common patterns and responses. He was blown away because they described his mother to a T. After that, he was motivated to read up on it himself and even shared resources with his brother and SIL the next time there was a big blow-up involving them. Once we all saw what was happening, it really headed off a lot of the worst behavior because we finally had context and understanding of what MIL was doing.

I understand, & I am sorry you are having to live with this. After MANY years of dealing with irrational family members, I'd suggest setting a firm, reasonable boundary IN WRITING. For example, "When you raise your voice, I will end our phone call." Or, with texts, "I'll be glad to exchange respectful messages, but I won't respond to accusations or insults." 

The first time someone yells at you on the phone, you calmly say, "I mentioned before that raised voices aren't OK, so this is where I end this call." And then you hang up, & don't answer their calls for 24 hours. If it happens again, ignore calls for 48 hours, etc. 

With texts, your only response should be a screenshot of the text or email that explained you won't reply to insults or accusations, followed by muting the conversation for a minimum of 48 hours. Eventually, they will learn you are serious and/or they'll have such an epic meltdown that you won't HAVE to block them.