Going against my nature because of shitty childhood trauma. Numbing myself against my will while I wish I could be doing a lot of better things.

But what if I have the dreams of a "normal person" and not reaching my dreams only makes my trauma worse ?

Yes. The same way I don't like " Everything happens for a reason". No, just no.

You are afraid of being vulnerable and you fear that your "weakness" will be used against you maybe. This trigger shame because when you were a kid showing "weaknesses " was used against you because you had no room to not be perfect. Your job was making your parents pleased. If you made them angry, you probably used to blame yourself and think that you were not a good person. So when someone acknowledges your vulnerabilities, this triggers a response that recall your mind and body of all the times you "weren't enough". As you've had internalized these beliefs, It had created on you toxic shame for being yourself, a normal human being with qualities, needs and flaws on their own. So in the end It does not matter what is the reaction of people towards your perceived inadequacies, what matters is that they remind you of these perceived inadequacies.

Not having any social skills and acting all the time with insecurity. Byproduct is people taking you for weak/ dumb or for granted. Also the feeling that you have to compensate 10 years in one. I feel you.

It has almost happened to me before. If It was not a friend of mine, I would have lost some amount of money.

Don't punish yourself, we fall prey to these kind of people because our caregivers have not taught us how to trust our insticts, but the instincts still exist, deep down. The work is trying to listening to them more.

I've given the benefit of the doubt too many times. Nowadays, If my gut says something, I believe It. Trust your body and your emotions. You were trained to gaslight yourself, but our emotions and instincts should be listened to, even if It does not make sense when you overthink the situation

It will get better gradually, we should just try to connect to our bodies more. I think mindfulness might help. Also, trying to look back and remember what you have felt and what red flags you've ignored.

Are you me?

I relate to this hard.

Spent years trying to reinvent myself in different places. Once I form bonds with people, I get uncomfortable and want to run away. I don't like close relationships, only superficial ones. Superficial ones make me feel I am still in power. I am a bit of different person with every superficial relationship.

Sharing too much about myself makes me uncomfortable because I don't know who I really am and I keep thinking that a future version of myself won't like what I say about myself today..

As soon as I get close to people, I see their flaws and their opinions and ask myself : " am I just talking to this people to not feel alone?" And then I get the realization that they are unlike me, some of them are even toxic and non- reliable people, or they have a very judgemental attitude towards others that I don't like, for example .

Nobody is going to be the perfect friend, but do I really want to be with them?

Generally the answer is that I try to make friends out of society's expectations and because I feel like I may need some people to have my back on the future, not because I like them. Having someone to go out is sometimes good, too. But I don't relate to them.

And then again I ask myself: " do non-traumatized people have deep connections with their friends ?" And as high unlikely as It sounds, I don't think so. Real friends are rare for them also, but they don't really have a problem having a lot of superficial relationships that they don't really connect too.

I feel like as I don't have a stable sense of self, my superficial relationships irk me more. I am influenced more by the people I talk to, maybe It is the fawn response or the constant hypervigilance. They have power over me. With stable people, I don't think these superficial relationships have so much power over them, even if people don't behave like their authentic selves with the superficial bonds( out of society's expectations). Inside, they know who they are more easily. If superficial relationships already trigger me, imagine more intimate ones...

So I truly don't think It is something bad having a lot of superficial relationships, other people act this way also. The important thing is not giving up on having at least one or two more intimate ones.

But how ? I think the answer is, as we are healing, temporarily having only superficial relationships and only if It makes you feel good ( not out of mere obligation). Isolating is not good, but I think we have to do some inner work before having more intimate relationships. We have to give voice to the inner child that was neglected. Who we really are is buried deep down. And the only way finding out who we are is through experiences. So It can take a lot of time, but It is worth It.

Forming close relationships before doing inner work can result on trauma bonds or repetition compulsion ( searching for people that re-traumatize us). Intimacy leaves room for abuse so we should take care. At least these are my opinions and experiences, but everyone who also has cptsd must be different in some ways.

Going to different places won't help with inner work, but if It helps with superficial bonds, then I would say, just do It. I feel like It is a flight response. It can give some excitement and makes us feel better, but It can be a coping mechanism ( not that we don't really like new places too- It can be both) But in the end imo we have to give voice to this neglected person inside us. This should be the final destination in our healing.

CPTSD is not only caused by abuse ( physical, sexual or emotional ). It can be caused by other traumas like emotional neglect. My case is mostly emotional neglect r/emotionalneglect has more information if you want to check It out.

This is the kindest interpretation, but I don't know If she should be so positive about this one. I truly think he may be a covert narcissist, I know one who acts exactly like this - and even use the same terms and words!

He sounds like a covert narcissist. Really. And with covert narcissists, you always ignore red flags because you think It is not a big deal, until It escalates.

Just want to add a different perspective. Is this relationship new? He might be truly concerned but the part of gaslighting about joking sounds like a red flag.

I know a covert narcissist who does exactly this. And when you question them to explain the joke, they put the blame on you, as you should have understood. All the time narcissists are joking, until they are not. If the relationship is new ( or even if not ) take care and watch out .

Now that you called him out, he is angry at you because maybe his facade slipped. He said he is drained ( which narcissists do often- It means their mask slipped and now they feel bad about who they are inside - a lie). He is trying to make you feel guilty in a subtle way - " I'm just drained". He wants you to care about his emotions but he does not want to care about yours.

Your feelings are valid. If you feel you are being invalidated, you are. Generally if someone says something that offends you, even if It is not their intentions, they should apologize instead of calling you names. He did not even tried to be comprehensive. Sounds like a red flag for covert narcissism. Watch out, please.

Edit : also, the part about him insisting so much that you should act in the way he thinks It is appropriate shows how controlling he is. He wants you to fit the image he made about you in his mind. He wants you to be "'perfect" ( by his standards) so you can serve him better. You can't have struggles. To narcissists you are only a character with no personality and desires on your own. You are only a supply supposed to make them feel better about themselves, you are not human. They have no patience with someone that does not abide their abuse. They pretend to tolerate someone with a personality and their own struggles in the beginning, so you can easily fall prey to them ( this is called lovebombing). Then they try to change who you are to serve their interests. When they notice that you won't abide their abuse, they will devalue you ( even over a tiny disagreement sometimes).

On r/narcissisticabuse you will see a lot of similar stories. Sometimes It is hard to believe when you are in the situation, but when you see many people going through the same It all makes more sense.

I don't want to make too many assumptions but he sounds like a narcissist. Read about narcissism if you haven't, It may help you.

I have cptsd and I think I am getting better gradually. For me, I've started feeling more like others because before I did not care about other people's opinions about me much. Now I care more about what is socially aceptable ( manners) than I cared about before. It seems my empathy is getting stronger too ( and my boundaries ). Also, when something or someone triggers me I don't need to as soon as possible talk to someone to vent. I am not dealing with my unbalanced emotions 100% well but I can handle then much better now. I don't take things personally and I don't blame myself for wrongdoings that are not mine. I am starting to be able to focus more on what I have to do during my day more. When something bad happens I can get a bit annoyed but seconds later I am able to soothe myself and tell myself that It is ok. I am giving myself more the benefit of doubt about what I like and what I don't like. I am questioning more what has been ingrained on me by my raising. I can sense I am building my own identity, little by little. There must be more but It is what I recall now.

This is tough. I cut all my friendships also. I honestly think It is better to focus on yourself if you don't feel too much lonely without friends. Good people exist but if we are in a hard place mentally speaking It is even harder to find them. I am going through the same, I only attract abusers. Focus on healing and growth and later you will find real friends. They are not going to be many, but the wait is going to be worth It I guess. That's what I am doing.