This makes it sound like everyone is replaceable which is just bullshit. The loss of someone you love hurts regardless of the option that you might have a casual date soon

I actually find trying to fall asleep worse. It actually makes me avoid going to bed. It's making tired as all hell

I'm so happy that these people are putting their life and health on the line just so we as consumers can feel inadequate and shitty about never looking like this and thus obsessing over our completely natural looks. Truly admirable

Lolita starts with Humbert in prison and directly telling the reader he wants to convince them that he's innocent. The book is so on the nose with this, I really don't get how people can misinterpret it

It's been so long since I read the book, I'm glad that apparently I'm remembering it right. I remember literally doing a double take and flipping back a couple pages cause I wondered if I missed something beforehand.

I fucking love the way Lolita is written. I remember there being a passage where Humbert rambles on and on all lovey dovey, more of the usual. You're just flipping through the pages at this point. Then I suddenly realised that Humbert was doing something completely insane like racing in a car to kidnap Lolita or something. It's just that the evasive "romantic" way it was written it took you a while to realise how insane his behaviour was. I literally thought "wow that fucker got me". The book is genius but certainly not a love story

I definitely think that putting a label on a relationship is important, but you seem to mean AT labels? I would agree with that.

Labelling someone as "avoidant" or "anxious" makes it seem like its an unchangeable part of their personality, which isn't true for a lot of people. Behaviours can be labelled as avoidant or anxious, and behaviours can be changed or worked on. It needs the effort of both people, though, so if one partner is willing to put in the work and the other isn't, you have to walk away from that person. One partner putting in all the effort while the other partner just goes with the flow is imo what often creates a deep resentment and a toxic relationship. This can go both ways, you can have an "avoidant" partner trying to change their habits while the other continues their unhealthy behaviour or the other way around.

This being said, I dont wanna be a party pooper but you can't really work on a relationship if you're not in a relationship. Maybe you can talk to your partner what makes them so afraid of labels? While clearly stating that you would like to work towards being in a peaceful relationship again

My avoidance is certainly the reason why I'm single. Outwardly I'm secure but I always have an excuse to not be in a relationship, waiting for the "perfect" time that seems to be ever changing. First I waited till I moved into my own apartment rather than living with a roommate, than for things to calm down at work, than for things to calm down with family. I've only recently noticed that I seem to be changing the goal post to avoid dating but I dont know yet how to get over this.

I actually had the experience the other way around. I have a friend who mostly eats "normal." Not healthy as in only veggies but not junk food either. He would always complain about being overweight, and I didn't quite get it cause he wasn't a sweet tooth or fast food junkie or anything. Until we went on vacation and the dude would eat in like 2 hour intervals, which was crazy to me. I didn't understand how he could be hungry already.

Well, some people do eat whatever they want. They just don't want to eat that much most of the time. I can eat a lot at a time but I feel full for a very long time. My doc actually told me that I have a pretty slow stomach and I don't digest food as quickly. So I don't eat as often cause I just feel like I can't eat for a long time after a full meal.

I actually have a crazy story about this. I used to be terribly avoidant which meant I would additionally withdraw when I was feeling bad. But I started seeking out my friends in the last couple years, so when when my ex broke up with me, I called them up to hang out. Funny enough we took some acid. At the end of the trip I was laying next to my friend thinking "damn now I'm single again, I'm gonna feel so lonely without him" but then these thoughts turned into "but do I feel lonely now? No I don't cause I called up my friends. I'm able to get peoples help when I feel bad and I'm gonna continue doing that, I'm not gonna feel alone". And this weird little trip changed my life. It gave me so much confidence. Now I think "now I feel bad but I'm gonna be able to deal with this". This has stayed with me since then

Yeah it's insane how different life is once you actually start feeling better. My "bad days" now feel similar to what my "good days" used to be. Even if things go terrible, and they have right now tbh, I still have this confidence that I will get through this.

I know but tbh I didn't know what sub to post this question in

Yeah I definitely agree. She has been triggered by her situationship which is also a difficult topic. That's where most of the anxious behaviour manifests that I didn't mention in the post. She often asks me "what do you think he's thinking" and I of course can't answer this, I'm not him and I also find it pointless to pursue a relationship with someone that you can't simply talk to about your problems with. But she's so activated I don't know what to say

I dont quite get why Germans seem to treat it as a point of pride to have such a very strict definition of what a friend is. I'm 30, there's been a lot of people in and out of my life, whom I've been close with and then grew apart and then became closer with again. I can't even clearly define who of these people are my "friends" and who are "just acquaintances" and I dont care to do it

Yeah but they don't have a cool international friend so go on and enrich their life. You're kinda putting yourself down here. There are people in small towns that will be as glad to have met you as the other way around

That's kinda sad though

I kinda get what you're saying. Germans won't invite you to group events cause they kinda think it'll be awkward for you to go somewhere where you don't know anyone. I've had German friends invite me to parties or birthdays where I didn't know anybody while reassuring me "oh I think Anna, you've met her, will be there so you'll have someone to talk to" and then I'll tell them that I don't care about going to a party where I don't know anyone cause I find it easy to meet new people. They'll often act a little impressed then

Maybe actually tell them "oh I really want to watch the game but I dont have anyone to watch it with. Would it be awkward if I joined you? I like meeting new people anyway"

I mean it certainly feels like more pressure cause you want to have friends and don't feel like you have any close friends where you live. So the potential rejections is worse cause you otherwise would have no one to hang out with. Maybe think "if they don't wanna hang out ill do an online date with a friend".

I've made the experience that Germans want to hang out but are afraid to ask themselves. It's also not common for Germans to explicitly say that they like somebody or find somebody interesting but I've also made the experience that when I tell a German acquaintance "oh I feel like we've got a lot in common" or "oh it's always so much fun to talk to you", they'll be very happy and will suddenly return the compliment in full force.

Yeah I understand what you mean but tbh at this point I kinda question whether it's helping her to "only" listen to her. I've been trying to listen for the last couple weeks but it just seems to be escalating. Today I've talked to other friends and they've also said that they're feeling stressed around her. It's also not a simple matter of listening to her problems when she's accusing people of pretty disrespectful things and basically picking fights with everyone around her.

She's constantly talking to me but she's kinda putting the blame on some innocuous things. "Oh I'm in a bad a mood cause my tooth hurts and I need to go to the dentist". She's also crossing my boundaries by constantly accusing people I love and like of some awful things but I dont really know how to communicate those boundaries without further escalating a fight or hurting her feelings.

How much of the stress comes from having to meet deadlines and having to make a living though?

I think we were living under the dilusion that we're going to reach an endpoint where people would be "too smart and educated" to be racist. That we've learned something from the horrors of the Holocaust, slavery and the like. It kinda reminds of the fact that one of the big question people ask themselves about the Holocaust is how could these "civilised" Germans commit such atrocities. We also considered ourselves too "civilised" to allow this again

Something about racism that people don't understand is that the basis isn't lack of intelligence or information. A lot of those people would call themselves too smart to fall for fascism and wouldn't even recognise their behaviour as bigoted and unreasonable

It's always been a cesspool for racism. I've stopped frequenting this sub years ago cause comments blatantly calling some people subhuman were upvoted to the top. Now they're downright homicidal and fascist