It’s a two way street. He’s not allowed to just keep smacking you over the head (metaphorically or physically) because you haven’t deciphered the secret clues to figure out the cheat code to somehow make it all better. Communication is the foundation of relationships…even more so for those of us with ASD that struggle with subtext and indirect communication. He’s abusing you, consciously or unconsciously (via a learned pattern that he doesn’t really see or understand…if we’re giving him the benefit of huge doubt).
The result is the same, and it’s not ok. If it’s unconscious he needs therapy (DBT maybe? I’m no doctor), and if he doesn’t get it he’s choosing to continue the abuse through inaction. In either case, personally and obviously not knowing you or every details, he’s long ago crossed a line. I, a person with ASD 1 would rather die than consciously hurt my partner. Once would be something I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself for. Twice would mean it’s no longer some sort of horrible nightmare scenario mistake that I can’t imagine… it would mean I had chosen not to prevent it IMHO.
It’s not ok, and you don’t deserve it, and you are not responsible for him at a level requiring you to take it.
So the head of the jury came up to me, real big guy. And he had tears in his eyes. And he said, “Sir…YOU’RE GUILTY ON ALL 34 COUNTS.”
I think you should take this a step further. What are you going to do with the other four slots since either one of these will have covered both the “board” AND “game” categories?! /s
I personally think there’s nothing inherently wrong with the “masculine”, but several cultures/subcultures/influencers/individuals have decided that being male needs to bring with it certain expectations, attitudes, etc that are toxic, both to the men being pressured to adhere to them and to the people around them who have to deal with the fallout of these attitudes.
To put it another way: there’s nothing wrong with being a man, but certain people/societies say that men can/should/must act in particular ways that are toxic. They teach men that they only have value if they do x, or that men are inherently more likely to be/do y, even if it’s a bad thing, because they are inherently flawed, or it’s expected of them or they are “just being men”.
IMHO you should do something because you believe it is the right thing for the person you are to do, not because society says it’s “the manly” thing to do. And respect is earned by being a person deserving of respect, not something demanded or forced.
“Chad alpha” “masculine and powerful enough” is not what you should be aspiring to IMHO. That’s toxic masculinity trying to assert itself over your world view. It causes many men, and the people near them, needless pain and insecurity all over the world.
As an adult male, I seek to be who I feel I, myself am, not what some portion of society feels I “should” be. To me, that is caring, intellectual, empathetic, looking out for others and not beating my chest because that’s what men are “supposed” to do.
My view is that the character of Waymond in Everything Everywhere All At Once is a perfectly legitimate example of adult male-ness. It meant a lot to me to see the film and see the male-ness I feel, and see demonstrated by good men around me, celebrated…even if it take time for the other characters to appreciate it.
Oh man. Badass! Nicely done. Seriously. Dishes are freaking hard.
Buddha rat says “All life is suffering…except treats.”
Best Picture Oscar winner “Crash” is absolute trash. I’m all for media exploring modern/systemic racism, but this film leaned in to every possible stereotype while trying to chide viewers for stereotyping. Sorry I don’t have a deeper critique, been years since I was forced to watch it in a class and I’m not watching it again to go into greater detail.
“May your marriage last as long as this campaign” lol
Brilliant idea. Small steps with easy outs. We’re all different... She could totally be fine in full on shows (which would be absolute hell for me), but why risk trauma when you can work up to knowing exactly what she can and can’t handle?
No stairs, no jumping on/off furniture (if I can help it). Carried only.
I can work, and do (remotely). I also have a Master’s degree. The spectrum is incredibly varied.
I also struggle every day to make that happen and worry every week about how long I can keep this up and if my life is just going to come to horrifying, grinding halt.
But I was diagnosed super late and while it’s helped a lot, I also don’t know how not to do what I’ve always done, even if it’s unsustainable? Maybe someday I’ll crash, burn out, and not be able to work.
Loud and in particular unexpected noises are like a freight train running through my head. Things falling off shelves, my partner’s sudden sneezes, emergency vehicles, etc are often the worst. Chip bags were sent direct from hell to torment autistic people. Noise cancelling headphone and ear protectors are lifesavers.
On the light side I feel like I’m always squinting outside if it isn’t a very cloudy day. Dimmer switches on a lot of lights in my house. I hate hats, but my therapist has got me wearing one whenever I go out (usually with sunglasses too).
The above poster isn’t saying you’ve done anything wrong, they’re stating that the dilemma you find yourself in is a correct assessment and that there’s no way to reconcile it without changing either your viewing habits or principles.
It sucks, I know. My favorite Lebanese restaurant for a decade is now dead to me because of hateful anti-LGBTQ+ things the owner said in a city council meeting on the record (before being forced to resign from that council). I’m still mourning the loss years later, but I can’t give that guy another cent without compromising my beliefs.
Guys! I finally figured out what “looking like you have autism” means! All three of these characters are tilting their heads at the same slight angle, regardless of their support level! It’s solved!! ;)
Username checks out, poster is clearly raging against a reality that doesn’t actually exist.
Get help friend. The reason why nobody can define the “woke” you’re so angry about is that it exists solely as a tool to focus your anger on things the right wants attacked and away from things that maybe should be challenged.
There is nothing inherently wrong with DEI, and coming to a subreddit devoted to a condition that is often stigmatized and the people who have it marginalized to rage against efforts to give people a farer shake that acknowledges who they are is absurd. Got peddle your hate somewhere else or, ideally, not at all.
Be sad, give her space, wonder if there’s anything I can do to be more obviously less threatening (if that makes sense) without being creepy. I already worry when walking behind single women in situations (night or not many other folks around) where they might be uncomfortable and try to back up more to give them space without looking like I’m trying to follow them.
That said, I have ASD lvl 1 and OCD, so the situation is kind of an awkward storm of empathy+awkwardness+spiraling into worry.
Women have plenty of reason to be careful. And I don’t blame them for not knowing on sight who to trust when toxic masculinity and predatory crime are a thing. It breaks my heart, and yeah, I feel bad about being lumped in with other possible threats, but I don’t blame them for that, I blame societal norms that should be challenged and changed.
Wishing you a safe and not painful outcome. You deserve to be able to be yourself without other people attacking you.
I wanted to add: absolute trust is essential in a relationship to me. Being cheated on would destroy me for a long time (possibly forever) and would absolutely destroy the relationship. I would have no choice but to end the relationship. He didn’t, but even if we believe the narrative that things were fine until you ruined everything (and I don’t buy it), you’ve had this on life support for six years while he lashes out at you. It’s time to pull the plug and let the zombie that is tying you together go. If we believe that he is in emotional hell and it’s your fault, perpetuating that hell is never going to help. He needs to work on himself, but is convinced the status quo is the only sustainable thing. You need to show him that is not sustainable.
My ASD partner abuses me physically and verbally
autism