To be back on the West Coast. It’s been so long and I miss it.I miss the beaches, the mountains, the weather. I’m looking forward to this road trip with this stupid little teardrop trailer in tow. It will be pure freedom. Freedom to live, to visit places I haven’t been in decades, to meet new people, to scope out places I want to live and go to school, to find somewhere to settle down while I build a life.

I was hoping that while on my travels, I’d cross paths with you, but I don’t know where you live now. I don’t know if you’re in a relationship, I don’t know if you have a family. There’s a lot I don’t know about you because we haven’t spoken in a lifetime. I suspect you will keep it that way since you feel I’ve lost my mind. I haven’t, I’m just sad and realizing that I gave you up too easily. I would make it right if you’d let me but now you’ve blocked my email and I’m just going to let it be. You obviously want to keep me out of your life, so that is how I’ll keep it. I’ll respect the hard boundaries you’ve drawn. I’m ok with that. You know how to reach me if you ever feel the need to.

Yes I still love you but I’m going to actively seek out new people for friends or more. I’m not going to dwell anymore on our past, or our non-existent future. I realize that time has come and gone.

I’ll take my philosophy book with me on the road, to ponder life - to let the old-world wisdom influence my thinking and give me big ideas to mull over while I’m in the wilderness of the Cascades seeking solitude from this techno-life. My goal is to change from the inside out. I want and need to change how I perceive my reality. My physical goals are to hike parts of the PCT left unaccomplished - I have much to cover. I’m only 120mi/2650mi. I aim to find myself again and to get out of this delusion that you still love me.

Take care of yourself - be the joyous soul you are. I love you - that will not change.

Never would have thought we would be in this place where you hated me.

But I see I’ve pushed you to this place.

I just couldn’t accept the fact that you didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t accept the possibility that you weren’t the one I’d grow old with, have a family with. My ego is still too much, it seems.

I apologize to you for being me. I wish I could change this inside me that you despise so much. I realize now you won’t ever be with me again. Not because I don’t love you, but because I’m not loved or accepted by you anymore.

I truly wish you the happiness I wanted to provide you and so much more.

I wish I were different enough so you’d be able to see me for who I am without being lovesick. You are the love of my life but I guess that doesn’t mean I am yours. I wish I could be more of someone you’d want to be with instead of this person who yearns but will never be.

Seems to be the theme of my entire life.

So, this means I will certainly be alone for the rest of my life - which somehow I’ve known and on a deeper level accepted. I just didn’t want to admit it….who would?

I guess this is truly goodbye, even though I don’t want to admit it. I have to accept it because I can’t fix what you hate about me.

I thought I hated myself before this realization.

No. I’m not unhinged. Or crazy, just facing reality.

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