I see all of these women saying acts of service is their love language. (Men are mostly going to say touch). The love language thing has been proven to be bs. Most women have been brought up to serve others. We have been taught to do for others, to be a good hostess. Because we do for others, we often feel if others loved or cared for us, they would do the same. Then we are disappointed when they don't or won't.

OP, you won't win this one. Just shrug it off. If it bothers you that he won't get up to get something for you when you do it for him, you have a few choices. 1- Get it yourself and let it go. 2- Go without and let it go. 3- Go without and be angry. 4- Get it yourself, but be angry so you don't want to do nice things for him.

I get it. It's hard doing for others when it seems like they don't notice, appreciate, or care enough to reciprocate occasionally. I think NTA

I had a courthouse wedding myself. I bought a pretty dress and he wore a nice suit. We were just as married and didn't put anyone in debt over it. I don't understand the reasons behind bigger and more expensive weddings. All of that money wasted when so many of them barely last a year.

It's the reason I didn't date after my husband died. My kids were 1 and 4. I knew they would be vulnerable. I and my sister were molested by our first stepfather when we were 7 and 5. Wonderful, friendly, well-respected businessman and deacon of his church. Love bombed my mom and us with lots of material things. The predators love to find single moms. They also can become the family friend who become aunt or uncle so-and-so which means you still have to be careful who you leave your kids with.

NTA.

I don't understand how OP's wife couldn't get a clue based on the hints. I figured it out by the reaction OP had to the name. No one gets that upset over a name without trauma attached. Maybe because I am a CSA survivor, I was able to figure it out. The wife pushed way too hard.

OP, you do need to get help to get past that trauma. Not so your wife can get the baby name she wants. Unresolved trauma does not go away. Even when you don't remember it, because it stays trapped in your body. It affects so much of your life without you realizing it.

Sad. It was 50 years ago.

🤣

Tell him after his funeral

I can't be objective about this, having been a survivor of CSA. I will say these people can possibly still be productive members of society.

I chose not to even seek another relationship when my husband died years ago because my children were 1 and 4. They would have been vulnerable due to not having had that father in their life, and my oldest eventually being diagnosed with Aspergers. I would have been thankful to have had someone in our lives, but for me and my background, the risk was too great.

Whether I admit it or not, I realize my childhood trauma still affects me. It still causes trust issues (along with other traumas along the way), and it happened 55 years ago.

The OOP "just" had CP, but how was it obtained? What child or children had to suffer for it? How are those children involved doing now? Yeah, I pity those people for having a harder time after having been caught, but I am glad they were. Maybe they were victims when they were young, which led to them being like that. I just don't trust them or that it wouldn't escalate over time from looking at or watching the CP to actively becoming CSA.

I don't know what the answers are. I do feel the way we handle crimes here in the US is not working. It is a broken system designed to provide cheap/slave labor over rehabilitation and restitution.

Her response to your decision would make me think twice about moving forward with her. What your late wife and you worked for and accumulated during your life together before she died has nothing to do with your possible future wife or her children.

If you move forward with her, I highly suggest a prenuptial agreement. Your assets before marriage are yours to do with as wish, and she has no claim to it. What the two of you bring to the marriage once you are married and how it is handled should be an ongoing discussion, but she has no rights here.

NTA.

Bonus!

"My sex life is none of your business."

People are rude AF. There are plenty of reasons someone doesn't have children, and all of them are personal. Anything from not wanting them to the heartbreaking reality for someone wanting a child but not being able to conceive or not being able to carry full term. For the last examples, it is like a stab in the heart every time they are asked.

Another response is to just stare them in the eyes for a long moment in silence and then change the subject. Or come out and ask them if they are going to pay for your fertility treatments or pay the expenses for any children that may be born. Otherwise, it is none of their business.

Or his penis.

But if a person has pain at a level of 9/10, it would be dangerous to drive. And, since she recently had a baby, it means she could have had an issue that resulted in hemorrhaging and blood loss on the way there. Childbirth might be a natural process, but women still die every day from it. And, maternal deaths here in the US have been rising. The daughter's husband still went with her. Luckily, a neighbor stepped up when even family wouldn't.

I don't think the mother's husband can be blamed when he wasn't given an option to agree or decline for himself. It's possible he has a condition that would make it difficult for him to tend to 3 young children, except the mother did not suggest that was the case.

The mother really doesn't seem to care. She just alienated her own daughter by refusing help when she was in actual pain. But, if her daughter went NC after this, mom would claim ignorance over why and turn herself into the victim.

It happens to boys too.

Vasectomies can be reversed, but it doesn't mean it will take. The longer it is after one, the greater the chances they will still shoot blanks. And condoms, even when used properly, can fail anyway due to product damage or malfunction.

If someone really does not want children, they absolutely should make certain there is no chance of it happening. A woman should get her tubes tied, and a man should have a Vasectomy. And go to their follow-up appointments to make sure it took because sometimes they don't. And, it can take a certain amount of time before there are no more swimmers, so precautions still need to be in place to ensure nothing will cross over.

If they change their mind later, there are plenty of children in foster care needing a family and love.

Seven years is a long time to be with someone and not acknowledge their preferences. If he cared about your pleasure half as much as his own, he would be willing to learn enough to make you happy because your responses back would be to please him more in return. If he's just interested in getting off, whether you do or not, get him a fleshlight. Tell him he can get himself off, and you'll take care of your own needs. There are some wonderful toys out there these days that will touch all of the right spots for you. Tell him if he's a good boy, he can watch and learn something.

"Just lucky, I guess."

It is your right to decide whether or not you want children. There are way too many people who only have children because it is expected and the children suffer for it. Whoever you end up with has no rights to you when you aren't even together yet. And if they want children, and you decide you do as well, there are plenty of children who need a family and someone to love them in foster care.

There are a lot of reasons these days for not having friends to spend time with. When people get married and have kids, priorities change. If most of your friends are single and you aren't, you are in different places in your life. Single friends don't always want to just talk about your kids and pregnancy. And if you are a SAH parent, that is going to end up being most of your side of the conversation.

She needs to look into mommy and me classes, neighborhood parent groups, or something to get her around other people. It's not fair to expect a partner to fill all of your social needs. She probably is overwhelmed and feeling a bit isolated, but she can't expect him to be everything.

There needs to be some serious communication going on about expectations and responsibilities without blame. If she has an issue with him working like he does, maybe she needs to consider going to work and putting the kids in daycare once the baby comes. That will get her out of the house. Most of her income will probably go toward childcare, but she would be having some of her own income coming in. She wouldn't feel so dependent on him. Maybe it would give her a chance to make a friend or two, as well.

I agree! We are not obligated to make babies, no matter what religions, governments, or childless people seem to think.

He put forth the effort to not have more children by having a vasectomy. I think there are not a lot of people willing to bring their partner's baby from someone else into their marriage and raise them. I think they both should have made sure there would be no more babies if they were going to be bringing others into their relationship. Or, as you bring up, there should have been more than a little discussion on what they were willing to deal with and what would be dealbreakers long before they opened the marriage.

I feel bad for the kids being caught up in this shit show.

You might consider taking the sex act off the table for a while. If he is willing, try other ways to share intimacy for a period of time without the pressure to perform. Try making out again. Kissing and touching without expectations of it going further. Giving each other massages. Find ways to touch and connect with each other without bringing up sex. Depending on how you both feel about it, you could masterbate while he watches or holds you or kisses you while you pleasure yourself. He could even use toys on you if you both are willing. There are ways around the issues.

He has to be willing to try to be there for you, one way or another. If he won't try and won't talk with the doctor, you will need to decide if it's worth staying in a sexless marriage.

They are much more likely to refuse to tie a woman's tubes unless she already has several children and, even then, they often question it, just in case a possible future relationship with a man might change her mind. It's stupid how many in the medical field question the decision of a person in regard to reproduction.

I'm curious about the ages of your example compared to the OP and her husband. While her age usually means being more fertile, his age would mean his swimmers would not be as active or as concentrated as someone closer to her age. I'm leaning heavily toward him doing something to baby trap her, or this is a rage bait post.

Accidentally getting someone pregnant so much younger using 3 types of protection at the same time when she is getting ready to make changes in her life that could take her from him and it happening more than once? It's intentional.

I'm also going to say I'm getting weird vibes from him trying to drive off the nanny. It sounds like the beginning stages of an abusive relationship where one person separates the other person from their support system.