Nailed it.

Gently, I would push back on the idea that they've always really embraced you having connections. Non-negotiable demands of a one-penis policy and always having to go home together are not things someone requires of their partner when they're fully embracing polyamory.

I also am someone who sees infidelity as sometimes being a more gray area, but I personally don't agree that this should mean I have to make an exception on my boundaries.

I am in category 3: my personal morals are such that I do not date people who are cheating, or people who are facilitating someone else to cheat. While I can agree there are some circumstances where I can understand why someone might cheat, and have empathy for that situation, I don't think that means I should have to change my decision?

I chose not to partner with people who are cheating or facilitating cheating. That's my choice. The other person is cheating, or dating someone who is cheating. That's their choice. Having empathy for their reasons to cheat doesn't mean I have to allow them to cheat with me.

I understand what you're trying to say, but I strongly disagree with your second point. I work in cybersecurity and I promise you all the things you listed? A mildly motivated teenager could easily discover in an afternoon. A highly motivated adult wouldn't even need to be particularly internet savvy to make this happen. It is absolutely, firmly, in the realm of possibility that meta's husband could show up at their home, place of business, regular shopping locations, hobbies/events, etc, if he finds out and decides he wants a confrontation.

Good luck! You seem thoughtful and kind, and you deserve that same energy reflected back at you.

Reading some of your other comments, I thought I might add one other thing from one neurospicy person to another.

I, personally, can not handle being screamed at. It was something I had to work on in CBT because I would just shut down. I've improved, but what that means is that I have a very low tolerance for screaming or personal attacks, and therefore this is something I address clearly and intentionally very early in all my relationships, romantic or platonic.

What that means in concrete terms is that I specifically bring up conflict resolution, and form agreements about what behavior is not acceptable, and how we will table the discussion if it's veering into unacceptable territory. I say agreement because both parties agreeing to standard, and agreeing to honor when the other person signals the discussion needs stop.

For example, with both my partners I have agreements that we do not raise our voices to each other, ever. (Outside of a "screaming for help" kind of emergency.) We also agreed not to get nasty, i.e. resort to personal attacks. If a discussion gets heated and one of us feels it's creeping into raised voice/nasty territory, they can request to table the discussion for X period of time (a couple hours, a day, usually no longer than a couple of days) and come back to it when both parties have cooled off. It only takes one person to trigger this pause, the other person does not have to agree that things have reached "heated" levels, but they do have to respect the request for pause, immediately. Like a kill switch.

The consequences of breaking this agreement are:

-I warn you once that I have requested to table the discussion.

-If they persist after the warning, then I either leave (if in person) or hang up (if on phone/video chat). This will not be a surprise to them as this course of action was discussed at the time the agreement was made.

-If the above two consequences happen once, or more than once but very far apart (like more than a year), I will chalk that up to humans being human, mistakes happen. If I have to leave/hang up to enforce the agreement more than a couple times, then it's not an agreement and I will end the relationship.

-I fully expect to have to hold up my side of the agreement, and I do. It can be hard to be told the other person thinks you're crossing the line when you think you aren't, but it's so important to honor their request and show them the same level of respect you want them to show you.

I've had to end one friendship since deciding to make this a requirement for my relationships, and while it hurt at the time, some distance from the friendship gave me the perspective to see other red flags that really reinforced it was the correct decision. Otherwise, I've only ever had partners and friends react positively to forming this type of agreement. It sets a tone of mutual respect, and gives everyone a way to demonstrate care and investment in each other.

If you want to keep this friendship with your bestie, I really recommend forming some type of agreement like the above. She shouldn't ever be screaming at you, and, even though your frustration sounds incredibly justified, you shouldn't be screaming at her either. The goal should be to effectively communicate with each other to work through the issue. Screaming will definitely not accomplish that. And if working through the issue isn't the goal... why waste your valuable time and energy screaming at each other?

When your friend decided to date your boyfriend, they made a conscious choice to do a thing that altered the nature of of your friendship. You are now also metas. Since you're all committed to make this work, it's going to be fundamental that both of you (and your hinge) be very intentional about acknowledging that you are now metas.

This is important because: You can no longer be each other's primary source of support about relationship issues with hinge. This has to be non-negotiable for any of your relationships to survive. This isn't about failing to have your bestie's back, this is about avoiding triangulation AND about not interfering in each other's relationships. If they can't communicate effectively with each other, they need to learn how. That won't happen if you're being dragged in to translate.

Also. The fact she is attacking you, period, is a problem. The fact that when you try to address this behavior with her, she tells you you're a bad friend for not having her back "no matter what" is an even worse problem. I'm autistic and I also used to think that "real" friendships were the ones where you stand by each other, even if you think they're wrong. What I've learned is that actually, real friendships are the ones with such a solid foundation of trust that you can disagree with the other person, or tell them something they don't want to hear, and you can count on them to listen to what you have to say, even when it's hard. Having someone's back means being able to trust that vulnerable conversations won't fracture the relationship, it will make it stronger.

This doesn't sound like what you're getting in return from your bestie OP. I'm not immediately suggesting you ditch the friendship. But. I do think, just like we'd advise with a romantic relationship, that it's time to sit down and get on the same page about boundaries, how support is defined, and what healthy methods of conflict resolution should be implemented.

Cybersecurity officer

I don't think there's really any utility to saying the break up is because of being polysaturated. Really, at least based on what you're written, it sounds like this break up is because your partner has chosen to prioritize time with new connections at the expense of time with you. That's hurtful and I'm sorry you're experiencing that, but it's not really a polysaturation issue, it's more a discrepancy in the amount of effort you're both willing to bring to the relationship?

So damn proud of you!!

This absolutely brilliant advice, and not just for a poly context.

Think of it this way: if a man you were not attracted to behaved with you exactly like he did after you turned him down once, would it still be super hot? Or really fucking creepy?

Thank you!!! This made me so uncomfortable for OP, they said no to this man in very clear terms multiple times and he kept pushing hard. That is such gross and unsafe behavior.

I'd be pretty excited to play with it!

Both actually lol. But definitely the big one more. 😈

That joystick does look pretty fun! 😉

One of my dogs has seizures and gets medication to suppress them at very specific times of day, with very little leeway. My NP and I have a shared calendar expressly for the purpose of ensuring one of us is always at home for dog pills.

My boyfriend (non-NP) adores my dogs, and they adore him. It would never even enter his mind to object to me doing whatever I had to to take care of the dogs. Which is a critical quality that I actively screened for when I was looking for a new partner.

I think you're asking the wrong question here OP.

This is absolutely the hill I will die on lol. I have never regretted a single dog pic or video.

I know right! In 3 years my apartment went from $2650 to $3300. I live in Seattle, but definitely not even close to bougie Seattle. 😭

Tina Turner's "Private Dancer". My mom apparently thought this was hilarious, my dad was less amused. 😂

All of these are such good points, but #3 is such an astute call out. A lot of times here we (rightly, I feel) point out that "meta" problems are actually "hinge" problems, but you've identified a really important nuance of that that I think way more people should consider.

Is this meta they want you to meet the one you had to block because meta texted you to tell you to break up with hinge?

I hope not, because this would be the frosting on that absolute shit cake.

Perfect response, no notes. 👌

OP, reading this absolutely breaks my heart for you. These people aren't just terrible partners, they are failing at even basic human decency by any standard.

You deserve love, and empathy, and just really so, so much better than how these people are treating you.

This has been my experience too. I definitely know (and have dated) several people who don't know how to have emotionally close relationships that aren't romantic, and so seek partners as a way to build an inner circle of friendships with emotional intimacy.

Polyamory requires an incredible amount of autonomy and trust. Specifically, that you can trust your partner to do (or not do) whatever they've promised, even--and especially--if you're unlikely to otherwise know the difference.

Your wife has shown you that she's perfectly comfortable lying to you, over and over again, for years. And while I typically advocate focusing on the person who actually broke agreements, in this instance since her Affair Partner was also a close friend of yours who knew your relationship was not open to that degree, I would also strongly caution against remaining friends with that person either.

Bottom line: Even if you wanted poly for yourself, you do not have a stable foundation of trust with your wife, particularly in relation to her AP. If she was willing to cut all contact with the AP, enter couples' counseling with you to repair the breach of trust, and put potential polyamory on hold for 6 months to a year while you're getting back to a healthy relationship, then I would say she's at least demonstrating that she understands the severity of what she did and is willing to take concrete, measurable action to change.

It doesn't sound like she is even remotely interested in repairing your marriage though. So unless you're ok staying in a marriage where your spouse doesn't actually behave in a loving or respectful way to you, I think you have your answer.