i'm 29 - i was trying to date unsuccessfully long before covid started. i've met people during covid who immediately started dating someone else. i don't really think covid is the issue

no dating advice - because the more i hear "don't be X" "be more Y" the more it just makes me feel like i'm broken and paranoid that i don't know how to act the right way. "do i look too desperate right now?" how the fuck do i know? i'm sure not every person in a relationship perfectly knows how to walk that line. the opposite: "you need to be more forward, pursue the other person" is also advice i get. so who's right?

i'm already busy with my interests but i'm too old and lonely to simply ignore that i'm also looking for a relationship.

could be. i don't really know how it's showing up if so though. these people aren't really trying to get to know me. and i'm trying to show interest, talk to them and flirt (and respect their boundaries if they don't seem to be reciprocating). i don't know how i'm self sabotaging here

i'm not sure. so far whenever i meet someone who meets "most" of those criteria, they end up ignoring or forgetting about me, (hence my post). but i do meet such people, so it doesn't feel so much that the numbers aren't enough. most friends i know never played the numbers game. simply homebodies who "met people" through work. i feel the people i meet and care about just don't see me as good enough for them

thanks.

i think i have a decent idea of what i'm looking for though i tend to be afraid that i am too picky. i tend to like people who have a similar sense of humor. similar amount of ambition, sensitivity, intellectually compatible. people who are emotionally self sufficient so that there isn't a danger of codependency. introspective, interested in self improvement. creative usually. supportive of my career. physically attractive (to me) - this is maybe the hardest one as i worry about not being attractive enough myself.

all that said, in my current situation i feel like 'beggars can't be choosers' so i am trying to push myself to compromise. it is hard because these things aren't a conscious 'checklist,' they just happen to be the things that usually attract me to someone

why? the way you ask makes it sound quite like you're about to pass judgement on whatever i say

i don't think you are responding to things i actually said.

you are simultaneously telling me you found your partner through luck, by doing nothing, and then giving me a dozen self improvement tips based on what you think your friends or family have done wrong and patting yourself on the back for "doing the work" to not follow their footsteps (even though you literally said you found a partner without doing any work) and assuming that i must not be doing the work (you don't need to tell me it's not easy, i never said it was easy, i've been in therapy for almost a decade, i know). the truth is a person can be suicidal no matter how much work they put in or introspection they do. get off your high horse.

It found me because I wanted something better for myself,

do you think i want to spend my entire life being miserable? don't you think i also want something better for myself? didn't i say i've been in therapy for years? do you think i'm not making hard, conscious decisions? and yet, it's not "finding" me

it is not as easy as simply changing who i'm attracted to (how?) and magic, a man will be attracted to me back (how?)

I meant non-romantic relationship trauma eg. Parents.

i guess i assumed that most people with cptsd have this type of trauma and yet are still finding relationships? i'm sure it does affect me in some ways but people with much worse parent relationships still find romantic partners

a lot of my friends Never Learn their lessons!

lucky that you don't have these patterns. you've never experienced how difficult it is to just turn it off

i said this elsewhere but it's difficult to keep eternally building myself up while also being rejected by men i care about, and also getting zero attention or other options for healthier relationships

hello, dog :) nice to meet you

Do you truly want “a romantic relationship” knowing that your mental health isn’t where you want it to be?

yes

so you've been married since you were 21-22, what exactly are you trying to tell me?

they are not an intimate relationship

i'm working on talking about it, i'm just not interested in discussing hobbies, apps, etc. standard advice. i already have those, so i am trying to understand what else is going on

sorry, i'd prefer not to get into this, as i requested no dating advice

i'm doing what i can already

i have hobbies.

it's not enough for me, it's not that i'm not enough

sorry, i'm already stretched to the limit in my commitments. there's a reason i requested no dating advice

animals, hobbies, group activities, solo travel, dating apps, setting good boundaries and goals to achieve

i have all of these and it's not enough

You are the only one maintaining the relationship you share with another person, means from the other person's perspective, they probably are intentionally putting distance between you.

i have figured this is probably true but it makes me sad. i get so many people telling me "do you ask people out" "do YOU pursue people or wait for them to pursue you" so i am trying to be proactive and do the leg work of reaching out. then it makes those people pull away? what am i supposed to do? if i don't reach out/pursue, no one bothers to reach out to me either. turns out i'm alone both ways.

i said this elsewhere, but if it really required that much luck, no one would be in relationships would they? yet so many people find them "luckily"

i may be willing to put in the work. hard to find out without meeting someone who wants to start something at all

Do you think that easygoing/agreeable nature may be contributing to your "forgettableness"?

yes, i don't like to admit it but i think i subconsciously make myself as "flat" and agreeable as possible so that people will not pay too much attention to me. attention can be exhausting and often ends in judgement. always projecting positivity is also exhausting when i'm dealing with cptsd

this is also better than previously; now if you ask people, they probably can't describe what my personality is at all, while previously they might have said i was angry or intimidating or intense, or (worst of all) sweet and innocent (because i had a baby face - pushes all my triggers)

I didn't even KNOW i had CPTSD when I found my now-husband.

aha, wait, so you're one of those magical people who found a relationship without having started all the healing work you discussed :')

reading some of these replies makes me realize that my cptsd does not really show up in the same way that it must do for others

for example i have had feedback from many roommates that i am an agreeable person to live with and am good at having boundaries and not being defensive

i learned a while ago to apologize if i lash out, but in general am very low on anger

what i mean is that people seem to be assuming that i must have toxic/abusive behavior patterns, but if anything it might be the opposite that i don't stand up for myself enough when i'm hurt, i tend to forgive too easily, let go of resentment/anger quickly, and let people ignore my needs bc i am used to taking care of myself and accepted that very early on

i am working pretty hard on communicating my emotions/needs verbally

If you can modify those feelings and get comfortable with accessible people

i've been trying to do this for a long time. i ask myself when i'm interested in someone, is this person unavailable? and the answer is always no. then later they turn out to be not available/not interested

i am finding that it is very hard to change who i am naturally attracted to and the effort to try to do it is making me feel even more broken

on the other hand, there are no "available" people who are actively showing interest in me, so i'm really shooting in the dark, it's possible that the truth is just that everyone is "unavailable" to me because no one is interested

(also, allowing myself to have preferences: eg if a guy is hitting on every girl at a bar hoping one of them bites, does that mean he's the available type who i should be open to? my internal instincts say no, but i've gotten this type of advice enough that i no longer know how to trust my instincts)

believe me, i've been working on myself [physically and mentally] for years