My story is a bit long and complicated but I would appreciate advice.

I am 33F and 6 months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I was very healthy before and it came completely out of nowhere. I am going through treatment now and I hope that I am going to be okay but I won't be able to have kids. I also lost my hair because of chemo treatment (regrowing now) and I am not confident about how I look (although trying my best, exercising, etc.)

Before it all happened, I was in a bit strange relationship with a guy (41M). We used to be friends before, tried dating at some point but it didn't work out and we stayed friends. During the pandemic, we became closer and started being intimate again. I tried to talk to him many times, trying to clarify the status of our relationship but he would always say that he wasn't sure, can't understand his feelings. So it was mostly like being best friends but also having sex.

When I was diagnosed, he was very supportive, including living with me for 1-2 weeks when I needed him (I don't have family around so I really needed a friend). Now I am feeling better and he stays at his place but we are spending all weekends together, staying at either my or his place. I really like him as a person, he is smart and interesting but it drives me crazy at times that the status of our relationship is still unclear. He is definitely not seeing anyone else. But he told me something like: "I don't see myself in a relationship and I can't figure out what I feel for you, I am not falling in love but sometimes I feel really close to you and I really like you".

He was in a long relationship before we met (ended 3 or 4 years ago) - for 8 years I think. Since then he wasn't dating anyone and he is saying that it changed him - like he is not capable of being in relationship any more, he gave it all to his previous relationship and it still didn't work out.

On weekends, we go out, hold hands, kiss, cuddle all the time, started a new hobby together and it looks like perfectly normal relationship. During the week, we try to see each other as well and message each other quite a lot. But we don't tell each other about our feelings and I don't even know if I love him - I used to think that I did but now everything is so messed up that I don't know anymore.

I am in therapy and he would also probably benefit from a therapy but I can't make him to go, of course. So we continue seeing each other like this but I am not sure it is going anywhere and I find it hard to connect with him emotionally because I feel rejected at the emotional level. Sometimes, I want to tell him "I love you" but I know that I won't hear the same from him so I don't tell him either.