So I when I was in high school I've accidentally hurt a girl with a sharp pencil. I felt pretty bad and sharpened the pencil and made it even sharper and stabbed myself in the arm repeatedly until I bled a lot. I thought that this way she would resent me less and that we would be even, but instead, everyone started telling me that it was scary to do that and not at all normal. And yet I don't know where the problem is. Of course the person I hurt doesn't feel better but at least I feel the pain I caused them. It's an habit that I've kept, every time I hurt someone physically (it's never on purpose) I hurt myself a bit more worse. I still consider it pretty normal because I think I deserve it. I don't hold the same opinion about other people tho, like if a friend was doing what I do, I would be concerned and tell them to stop because it's kinda dumb and dangerous, but I'm just fine so I don't see a problem. And the only time I think things went a bit far is when I left my little brother unattended and he almost drank bleach in the bathroom and my mom beat the shit out of me. So I've poured myself a little glass of bleach and drank it all. I had a gastric bypass and my mom hit me again when I got home from the hospital but it wasn't much . It was an indescribable pain but I wouldn't have never forgiven myself if something had happened to my brother. I don't have any diagnosed mental issues except for DID, BPD, an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. But I don't think these are real or anything because... Well I just don't think it's real and I don't want to be a shitty person and use them to justify my shitty behavior. And also false diagnosis are so common that no matter how many I've had I think they're all wrong and the so called "doctors" would do anything to have money in their pockets. But yeah, I'm posting it here because my friends recommended me to because some people might go through something similar. But in my opinion, I don't have any mental issues or whatsoever and I just need to stop being such a piece of shit lol. And for my friend I hope you see this and yeah I've followed your advice . Now we wait.