I am a person who has been bullied basically my entire life. Best to get that out of the way off of the get-go.
But basically after mid-high-school, I experienced a huge shift in who was picking on me. It stopped being strangers and started being people I would call “friends.” Sometimes it’s people I grew up with joined at the hip, and sometimes it’s the guy at work who I’m just a little closer with than all my other teammates. It’s not that I don’t sometime catch heat from people I’m not tight with, but most of the time they’re not the main problem.
Either way, this is a very different kind of bullying from shoving in lockers and overt name calling, though I don’t think that’s ever been a particularly common problem. It’s mainly about people testing you. Seeing how much they can get away with. Dismissing your work ethic in front of co-workers. Insulting you or blaming you for issues you didn’t cause when you’re unsafe or away from home. Demeaning your efforts because they’re uncomfortable with that own aspect they have in themselves.
And the worst part of it – it usually is done as a joke that straddles “the line”, or is presented as a criticism of your actions. In other words, this is socially acceptable bullying.
I feel like I’m at the first point in my life where I’m able to slow down and take a breath – I don’t feel like I’m fighting for my life anymore. Because of that, this has now become the biggest issue on my plate, and I’ve been able to look at it more critically. I’ve been analyzing when this happens to me.
Specifically, at work, I’ve been dealing with someone ribbing on me a little bit more than they should. The good news is that the perpetrator here has done it to a few other people, and I’ve been able to analyze patterns on who gets picked as a victim and why. For people who don’t really have to deal with any nonsense from this guy, I’ve been able to split them into two camps:
1. Disposition: There are certain people who, from the get go, don’t seem to get picked on at all. The thing that’s interesting is every time I try to nail down what traits unite these people, I can find at least one or two exceptions among them. It’s almost like there’s a certain “respectability factor” that people in this group have that we don’t really have a word for yet. There are a few traits that seem to put people into this camp, and a few that keep them out, but there’s no overlying rule that’s 100% applicable here.
2. Response Time: This is more of an “in-between” set of people who still sometimes get “checked” by others, but not as often. At least, not enough to be a problem. These people don’t necessarily have an “unbullyable” disposition, but they’re very good at responding to their boundaries getting pushed. Generally they can immediately analyze how serious an insult against them is, and respond with an equally as harsh if not slightly harsher quip back. I’ve tried to be part of this group for awhile, but I’m not that witty.
Ultimately, this is my personal dilemma: I dislike people. I think that my life would be miserable were I to be completely alone, so I “put myself out there” as much as I‘m okay with. But the fact of the matter is that even setting aside a pretty significant social anxiety disorder, I am a massive introvert, and my brain doesn’t work so good around other people. If I try to follow a complex set of rules every single interaction simply for the sake of not getting bullied, I’m going to get exhausted and just decide to stop spending time with people. In other words, I can’t try and artificially change myself too much. I’m at a point in my life where the ROI of forcing myself to act a certain way around others is too minimal for the effect of not getting picked on – especially since there’s no guarantee that such an act would work.
In other words, the “fix” here is not to simply change my personality overnight. I need to take a small step, or adopt a new mentality, that will help me along this journey.
Historically I’ve tried to do this by trying to improve my “Response Time” – but ultimately that’s just backfired. I wait and wait until someone insults me, and if I can’t respond in time (with something smart or otherwise) I just look at the floor and feel bad about myself falling short of expectations for a few days. Then I go back to waiting for someone to insult me. That’s a shit way to approach this, much less, life in general.
I’m getting past the point of word vomit, but I wanted to get opinions. Has anyone else done further analysis on this? Any recommendations for what worked for them?
Someone said something to me recently that really put me off, and it was in front of a group of people so I feel like I’ve been publicly embarrassed. The only way I can rest easy after that is by promising myself I’ll take steps to improve myself and my situation, to stop getting used as a doormat.
As an aside, I’m told a good approach is to “not give a f---“, but I don’t think that that will necessarily work in my case for a few reasons. To begin with, I would say I already don’t overthink my words or actions – I laugh when I think something is funny and I try my hand at something when I think I’d like it. I have a hunch and I come across as nervous to people, but that’s specifically because I don’t give a f – I’m most comfortable approaching others with curiosity and distance. I’d like to keep approaching others like that regardless of how they perceive me; The only regard where I do start caring is when I get disrespected or bullied by others – and that’s specifically because I know it’ll make my life more difficult in the future, not much because I care what they think about me.
I've got no opinion or advice for what you're asking, but dear god brother, you are shredded. You're very lean and your muscle looks quite tight which is uncommon in enhanced lifters, which makes me think you're natural. I wanna ask how long you've been lifting and how consistently, but even if you don't reply I have to give you props.
Do I look okay? What could I do to look more like a man and not a boy?
malegrooming