I hate that just by existing and having feelings, it seems like I am Too Much for people. Unless I keep myself quiet and never say anything or express anything, I just am too much, too miserable, too depressing, too much of a downer for people. If you don't fake it and pretend to be fine and normal and happy and upbeat, no one wants to deal with you. And they say they do care but when push comes to shove, they don't want to deal with you or even check in because they know I will be sad and not fake happy and it's just bullshit. I hate when I fall for it and believe that people care and then even when they prove they don't really, I still blame myself and say it's my fault for being real with them. Just fuck this shit. All of it. I hate myself so much
My dogs are one of the only reasons I get up and do anything on weekends. Knowing they rely on me is the only thing that gets me moving sometimes. On weekdays, my weird feeling of responsibility towards work gets me to get up and perform the basic tasks because even though it all feels pointless, I guess I would feel worse if I let people down at work. It's fucked up.
Pretty sure the only things I ever used were bows and spike throwers. Everything else went untouched for the entire game and all DLC
Right there with you. It's horrible. I don't know how to be a person without this constant stream of "you are a piece of shit, leave everyone alone, stop bothering people with your existence" running through my head. sucks so much
I am really struggling. I am so sick of the symptoms of CPTSD and the way my life has been ruined. I have tried so many things - therapy, reporting abuse, talking to friends. None of it helps. And I hate myself so much for being needy and pathetic and reaching out to my friends even though they have their own real lives and I am barely a person. I just kind of exist and fake it to get through and there is not really even a point to my life but I also keep existing for some unknown reason. I see no actual future. I don't know what I am doing or why I am trying.
I am struggling with my eating disorder (BED) massively right now. There is so much stress and trauma stuff happening in my life and I know that I am using binges to cope but I cannot stand it and I cannot stand myself when I do it.
Does anyone have any suggestions no how to cope when in the middle of a really stressful, triggering time that doesn't have an end in sight?
Yes. All the time, unfortunately. I hate it.
I love playing video games as a way to distract myself, calm myself down, and just escape. I love things like Zelda: Breath of the Wild - I spent hundreds of hours avoiding main quests and just doing my own thing, exploring and collecting a lot of apples and random stuff for no reason other than to pass the time. I also love big open world games like Horizon Zero Dawn and Elden Ring, etc... I love being able to get lost in another world and feel like I am some other character who is really capable, resilient, and can gather all the resources and things I need on my own. I guess it makes sense considering the mess of my life - those kinds of heroes and abilities are really appealing
Yes. I feel like this all the time. I know logically that I have some good friends who do care but I can't understand why they say they do and I am certain that if I am just a little too much, they will disappear. So it's the same as having no one really care about you because I can't let them in fully
I feel like every single day no matter what I try, I just get to the end of the day and realize I have made more of a mess in my life. I am so sad and tired of seeing all of my friends and family members living somewhat normal lives, with significant others, with interesting hobbies, with kids, etc... I feel like I am the weird one, the one who is always depressed or panicking, and the one who is Too Much.
Something really triggering and upsetting happened today and I feel like I can't share with anyone because it would be a downer and it would be too much for people who are living normal lives on a normal weekend. I just wish I could stop caring. I wish I could keep my mouth shut and stop reaching out to people and then being disappointed.
CPTSD sucks so much. All the tools and skills in the world don't seem to be helping right now and it just sucks
I feel this. I keep saying I don't feel like a real person. This makes sense to me the way you describe it. It's horrible
Yes. More and more as time passes. I feel like they won and I never stood a chance, even as an adult trying to do the right thing and trying to get justice. Never going to happen in my case and they just will always win
I am so full of self loathing today. I feel like such a stupid fool. I overshared in therapy, I overshared when talking to a friend. I don't know why I keep falling for it and keep sharing how I really feel in the moment. I hate it some much. It's like I start off all defensive and careful and then just end up spewing all this nonsense emotion and real stuff and then it's only afterwards that I realize how much I said, how stupid I must have sounded, and how much of a ridiculous burden I am. I hate being a person. I have no idea how I am supposed to function and act normally without being either totally isolated or being way too open. How do I just stop this from happening?
I'm sorry. It's really difficult. I cycle between being angry and resentful and then resigned and apathetic and then miserable and depressed. It's just a lot to deal with. I'm sorry you are experiencing it as well
I'm sorry you are going through it as well. It's really hard to grieve that kind of loss
I relate massively. It was not until really recently that I started to think about the life I could have had, the things I could have done, and all the things I missed out on. It's really hard when that realization hits. I have been in survival mode so long that I spent most of my life telling myself I did not want any of those things as a way of coping and convincing myself nothing was wrong. Now I look at it and just think about how much I missed and how much I will never get to do because no amount of therapy or healing can give back some of what was lost.
thank you! very helpful.
Thank you. That makes sense as well
Thank you so much. That helps
Thank you. That makes so much sense. I work with clients as well and also have a Google Voice and work email that I make available. I don't know why it seems so much harder to reach out when I have the same sort of system in place! Thank you
Does anyone else worry about this? My therapist has told me that it is ok to email with concerns, thoughts, etc in between sessions. I just worry that I will be too needy if I actually do it. I only email once in a while with big updates on things that the therapist would need to know before our next session. I don't actually use the offer to email and reach out when I am really struggling - like today - and I don't know why. I know it would be helpful to unload some of the things and feelings going on in a safe container but I feel like I would be taking advantage and being pathetic if I did it. Anyone else deal with this?
absolutely. I constantly find myself wanting someone to take care or me, to fix things, to be there. I want a "real adult" to take control and make sure I am safe and ok. It's like I want someone to replace the family experience I did not have but I don't want them to be my parent because I have such a distaste for my family. It's a weird mind trip
Any other adults feel like they still wait for an older, kind adult to “save them”?
CPTSD