My husband was diagnosed with BPD about 6 months ago. He started going to weekly DBT therapy. He also has PTSD and has been getting the stellate ganglion block. The two of those together have helped him to make enormous strides. Most days he is the best husband and father I know. He has a very deep emotional connection with the kids, and is a very loving and involved parent. But, he still struggles with anger and irritability. This has been part of our family dynamic for a long time. Since the beginning really. He's never been violent, or physically hurt any of us. And with the kids, he's never been emotionally or verbally abusive like he has been with me in the past. He's definitely reigned in a lot of the anger, and I know he's trying extremely hard to change behavior patterns. I've seen significant improvement just in the last 6 months.

However, it seems like sometimes he just has to be angry. Despite everything he tries from therapy, he just has to get the anger out. If it's not lashing out at me, He lashes out at one of the kids. I would say at this point they experience it about once a month, and I experience it once or twice a month. With me it usually centers around abandonment fears and needing reassurance. With the kids he gets frustrated and might get visibly angry while correcting them about something. Maybe throw something on the ground or yell. This definitely makes them feel scared. Afterwards he feels awful. He usually cries when we are alone and spends a few days trying to do everything he can to make up for the behavior. He always apologizes and tells them he was wrong. I know that it's getting better and the outbursts are less frequent. I think with continued work he'll be able to eliminate it completely someday soon.

But in the meantime... Should we tell our kids he has BPD? They are teenagers and their behaviors are, like typical teenagers, becoming more frustrating. Lots of sarcasm and talking back. I'm walking a fine line because I don't want them to have to tiptoe around him more than they already do, but I definitely don't want them to feel like his angry behavior is an acceptable level of response to his frustration. I also know that despite the apologies and acknowledgment that the behavior is wrong, kids model what they see, not what they're told. I don't want them to have these issues or accept future partners that do. Maybe family therapy?

Any advice? What can I do to help him? Does anyone have any ideas outside of the usual therapeutic recommendations for releasing anger in a healthy way? Any ideas on how to parent with BPD?