Wow that's exactly what happened to me, got called all the shit, abandoned etc then literally two weeks later was "everything's swell, how are you" followed by on and off nastiness and lots of "I understand what I did now" without actually stating what they did wrong.

I am so sorry, what a fucking disgusting, entitled P.O.S she is, I know how much it hurts but you have done what is right for you and this pathetic outburst shows you just how little she respected you, it makes me so angry.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve better than that and your life starts here but depending on what work you have done and how much hope you had left there's a lot of healing and feeling to be done and it fucking blows but theres hope in it that one day I will be the parent I always needed bit never got.

Whoa there, I completely get you are worried but it sounds like you are putting waaay to much pressure on yourself, you were doing what you needed to do and did not read some texts, that is as valid if there is a medical/family thing going on as it is if you are at work, hell even at the the cinema or taking a bath, I get you care about your friend but it is not your job to fix her or be there 24/7, that is what professionals are for, you may want to be a good friend but it sounds like your friend is aware of her issues and has help, the best thing you can do for yourself and her is to keep healthy boundaries.

It is not your job to coax her out of her shell, if she wants to share that is her choice and preferably not at a time of crisis.

Just don't beat yourself up, you have done nothing wrong and if she cannot understand that right now that sucks but don't overly apologise, just give her the facts and hope to reconnect when she is more regulated, again not your fault!

I have felt this way for a lot of years now, mainly when things get bad, partly trauma and my CPTSD, both from my childhood and a ten year abusive marriage and partly from an incurable chronic pain condition and the loss of my independence and my old life.

When it's bad and absolutely anything vaguely annoying or bad happens my brain goes straight to suicide, I have spent extended periods where a stressor has left me convinced it is the only way out, I am glad I have not made any attempts.

Like you I do not want to, do not plan to and hope I don't but it's awful when you are in the place you in and I hope the worst part passes quickly.

Recently I found an artist called Ren, he is simply amazing, his honesty around suicidal feelings , being suicidal and singing about them has helped me process some of those dark days and his music has helped me in dark times, it also for the first time gave me the courage to speak about those feelings to my therapist and my partner honestly and not feel guilty for talking about, previously I had locked it away convinced I could not speak about it but I am glad now that I have and that people have held that vulnerability with kindness.

For me his music is a connection, knowing someone else has been where I am in those thoughts, there is no judgement there just a companion that I have never had as strong a feeling from other music or artists.

Here's a few reccomendations of his songs for whenever you might be ready to have a listen:

Heretic Hi Ren Chalk outlines It's alright

He has many more songs that touch on suicidal thoughts and those feelings and quite a few songs talk about medical gaslighting and a lot of his music talks about his chronic fatigue and pain but those experiences translate so well to my mental anguish and pain from CPTSD as well as my chronic pain, I hope you find some relief from his music as well.

Until last year I always thought there was something wrong with me, my friends told me how they did wonderful sounding things with their parents, by the way they were bloody normal things but wonderful sounding to me.

I marvelled when the year I moved back home I was out for a friend's birthday, his Dad came along, the more I saw that friends family were a part of his life the more I felt it must be all my fault, despite the fact I constantly made the effort and asked for things they just gave half hearted excuses knowing they could because I would be grateful for crumbs, not to mention me wanting more is simply unacceptable, even on my birthdays.

Its not my fault there is no bond, I have been doing everything since I was child to get any sense of connection with them, over and over, now I just can't be bothered like they can't be bothered with me.

I am so sorry you are going though this, what she did is just plain cruelty and just not being a human, of course you broke down, like anyone would be after losing a family member, especially in such a difficult way you were upset then being horrendously abused, that is not you being weak or causing problems or issues that is her causing you immense distress and a normal reaction to that, it's not your fault.

Fuck her for saying that to ANYBODY!! Fuck her multiplicatively for saying that to her child, absolutely unforgivable, it's hard to hear but she probably only acted embarrassed to keep those people onside, and most importantly of she was embarrassed she would show some real fucking remorse and give you a real apology. She sounds like poison, you cousin deserves empathy not being used as a tool to tell you to do the same thing, just disgusting and I am so so sorry.

Of course you want a Mum and a relationship with your Mum and it hurts so, so much when we start to see have never and can never have that because of them and their behaviour.

My only advice is to look up grey rocking if you have not heard of it and practice it until you can get out and safe, depending on where you live there may be shelters and people who can help you get out depending on your age.

Just remember it's not your fault.

I remember being the good little puppet of my parents and not crying or making a "scene" at funerals of my grandparents etc, so much so that after my Grandmothers funeral at around 8 I did what I had learned from them to do and gossip in order to put others down and on the way home I said some horrible things about my cousin who was a bit younger than me and was devastated, makes me feel sick now as my heart did and does go out to that little girl, I am seeing now, fuck gossiping behind others backs to put them down.

I went through this recently, first of all well done taking the first steps, it's fucking rough at this stage, I am four months in and the guilt just hits HARD at times, there is no wrong or right path, I know a lot of people advocate for a hard stop in NC, block with no exception or explanation then restraining order, for some people that works but for me I just could not, I explained myself and the abuse and was hurt, tried to appeal to a sense or reason and emptathy which fell flat, the pain, rejection and rage were unbearable and still I let him continue because I thought that me setting concrete boundaries would make me guilty for the following rage, abuse and behaviours. I had to sit and come to terms with it myself, yes it was hell but I would not change it, if I had followed advice of block and no explanation I would not have been as hurt or suffered as long as I did but honestly I think those experiences showed me there was going to be no real change and let me do it without nearly as much doubt it was the right thing for me to do for my situation because as much as we all want to spare each other that heartbreak we cannot.

As for the turning up on your doorstep if they do and continue to and it is harassment then by all means take evidence and get the law involved but to me as much as that means a sense of safety don't forget they can just ignore it and turn up anyway, my abusers have never respected authority, also if you are ignoring them you are trying to do a version of grey rocking, the drama involved in a restraining order may in my opinion feed their supply and fuel their rage, it makes us very, very interesting because that is information of how much they upset and threaten our peace and I don't want to hand them anymore stones to throw at me.

My version of peace so far is that after 4 months he pissed me off so much I sent the text I had wanted to, it told him that if he contacted me again I would block him, that if he turned up at mine that it was unacceptable or if it was somewhere I frequent or bumped into each other that I would not communicate and leave.

So far he has followed those rules, I don't expect that to stay the case but I know what my response is if he oversteps and that has given me peace so far, I wish you a safe journey to your peace whatever road that takes and however long it takes, and although it may be hard remember that they can turn up and make a nuisance of themselves but you don't have to feel pressured to open the door, for me I sat in the fear until I worked out that I can take it's power away by imagining the worst, him turning up and then what I would actually do which is close the windows and curtains, lock my door then go distract myself as best I can until he leaves, yes it would be devastating but he can't get in so let his stupid ass waste all that tine and effort, I am nkt rewarding it. And remember this is all only advice and you get to walk your own road as you see fit, by all means if it is best for you get a restraining order if they turn up then do that

It damn well is and just incase anyone is not aware there is a high % of people with both CPTSD and ADHD, while not always the case it has been noted by Bessel van der kolk and Gabor Maté in their books that the connection can be down to trauma changing our brains psyiology so childhood trauma survivors can develop ADHD due to the abuse or the abuse causes symptoms basically indstinguisable from ADHD

That was a gut punch for me, another fucking thing my parents left me with that makes life harder and again realising that basically nothing in my life is untouched by their damn selfishness to care and love for a chikd they decided to have.

I think I am in the right ballpark for the science by the way but please do correct me if I misquoted or forgot to add anything, it's fairly new knowledge to me.

With my Mum is was after waiting 24 hours for an ambulance to arrive to take her to hospital, when the paramedics got there she started playing games and was an hour and a half of their time, got her to hospital and after an hour and half of waiting said I was going home to eat and sleep as hand not slept for 36 hours and she just screamed and screamed to try and stop me, I had to walk out to her screaming then I said I was done, a week later my Dad out her on the phone to me, she pleased how badly she was treated at hospital recounting how horrible they were and that they "made her" piss on the floor, I grey rocked for that phone call until she triggered me by saying something my ex wife used against me," I always make sure you have money and nice things!!" Big NOPE!!!

With my Dad it was after she died, he demanded I forgive her, told me the abuse was imagined/not as bad as I made out/I did something to deserve it and that I HAD to forgive her. I told him no and explained that she fucked me up and I owed her nothing, all she left me was trauma and that I was not forgiving her or coming to the funeral and hear my family tell lies and put her up on a pedestal just because she was dead He raged, devalued me, discarded me and was just a fucking child demanding I back down and crying about how I should always be there for him and saying where had they gone wrong, I went VLC but his constant badgering led me to go NC two weeks ago.

I am very early on my journey but I think it is starting to switch for me, I have not knowingly disasociated for years to not feel, now I am feeling and recognising more and more ways I numb out, but and this is the important part I think, when I have been sat in the feelings for a day or two intensely where it feels like I am drowning I am starting to make a conscious choice to numb out for a bit, I listen to what I want in that moment and mindfully allow myself that, but not too long.

It takes practice to not sink into a disassociative state and lose days or a week to it before I start feeling again but me choosing it is power to choose, also I think it is the first steps to us learning to regulate our emotions like normals do, it's just we are taking baby steps literally to unlearn a survival based trauma mechanism.

A way I mix this up with gaming now is to play something where I can disasociate while listening to a self help book a out CPTSD or childhood trauma or a podcast a out those topics, I can then get into a space where I can apply what I am learning to my abusive experiences and neglect and feel but it not be totally overwhelming, from there I am can work with those realisations and when the pain and anger are surfacing and it's too much I listen to that and voluntarily numb out so I can come back to it sooner and better equipped rather than losing all that progress.

You pretty accurately describe my experience of this, my childhood memories are all over the place, stuff that I k kw face about like my room when I was young I can recall with great difficulty but experiences I had in the space are in my memory but hard to recall, some rabbit holes I go down and follow can allow memories of that space to emerge but they feel fleeting and not really there.

Much like my teens, they were until the last 7 years the time in my life when I was most suicidal, something I had entirely forgotten until recently, I had some great times in my teens when I was independent and had more self esteem but memories are hard to recall.

The time between 18 and 29 were spent isolated in an extremely abusive and controlling relationship, this is the period where I have the least memories of my adult life.

Even newer life events don't feel real or can be forgotten so easily, I don't think we ever developed true autobiographical memory probably because to have contant access to all the times we were hurt and abused would be unbearable as a child or young adult when we can't escape it, even facing it now when we are safe feels unbearably painful.

When I am working through past events or even recent I ones I can recall something and realise with new eyes that it was abusive but holding onto that memory and that it was abusive is what feels like the analogies you used, when I have these memories I try to journal about it as quickly as possible, just a short "when X happened it was not ok and why and how that makes me feel" so I can look back on it and help incorporate it, so many times I go to write about it though and my brain has already gone blank and I can't get back to it.

I can only assume this is our brains trying to protect us still to survive as having those epiphany's as a child would have been dangerous, and in adult life I think until we are ready to start accepting the abuse then every time we are abused or triggered our memory does the safe thing and locks it away, most of us are or have been in abusive relationships with partners, friends,family and work colleagues and being in that situation triggers our brain to do the same thing to protect us but that means most of our life and history is locked up and leaves me feeling not real and missing my own history which is sad.

A way I have started to look at is that the abuse and trauma literally changes our brain structure which is why so many people with childhood trauma have symptoms of ADHD or ADD that are imperceptible from ADHD or ADD and it changes our bodies due to being in constant fight or flight mode and looking for danger which is why so many of us develop auto immune conditions and suffer from burnout, maybe the memory fog is a side effect of our brains having to use so much energy to lock up that trauma to keep us "safe".

Only things that helps is my heat blanket and I am sure you already know about the other most widely discussed thing for bad days, warm baths with epsom salts.

Yep they skipped right from the we tell you what to do to the now it's all on you.

I had to learn to do everything for myself when I left home and I have almost zeroself accountability for care of myself or my environment, my rotting teeth, my health problems I have not been to the Dr for, my complete inability to keep my house clean even on a basic level, healthy habits to prepare food are not there, when I hit adversity my brain just shuts downs and wants to run away, kids need to be taught that the hard and scary things can be broken down I to little bits and that failing is fine as long as you gave it a go, all things I am still trying to teach myself 20 years after leavibg home.

They told me school did not matter, put no expectations on me, gave me booze and cigs at 14 when they found out I was drinking and smoking, did not make me work for pocket money.

Yep it entirely fucks you up because you see relatively normal people breezing along, doing self care, advocating for themselves, pushing themselves to achieve what they want and we are here ashamed that we can't wash the damn dishes for the 1000th time.

So do you want to help people or have your experiences and hard work validated or your ego stroked for finding what worked for you because so far this seems more about you then those you are saying you want to help.

If you are genuinely scared of being shot down by others then please take some time to go work on yourself, my self esteem and putting myself out there to others is one thing I constantly have to work on, I have come to accept the world should not bend to my will, no matter how much I wish it to, the best we can hope for is to be accepted for who are not who we could be or who we were.

Telling us that unless you get the responses you want you will not share the secret sauce is disingenuous if your goal is to help, if that is your goal post your story and people can respond however they want, especially if they feel they are being preached to when that is triggering with the world treats us that we are just not trying hard enough, or have not tried it X many times.

I think tread carefully, while your experience could help some for many others false hope can hurt even more, we have all tried countless things to "get better", we are all unique and there is no one size fits all guide to getting better, what works for one won't work for 90% of people here.

I have recently realised that I have spent the last 6 years making progress that was not progress at all, basically a combinations of doctors, specialists, family and friends all gaslighting me that I was not really ill caused me to believe them I must be what was wrong so I just pushed myself. I would say I have suffered from toxic positivity so if you tell people to just let it go then we might an issue lol.

I allowed no negativity as emotions caused more symptoms and meant I could not turn up for people, that means all my emotions were blunt to achieve this. I allowed no version of I cannot do that so just pushed myself, when I could not I felt ashamed and hid my pain and disability, I only let people see me at my best and then they wanted my best to always turn up further proving to them and myself that it was always just in my head. I saw people more, felt happier when I thought I was succeeding but what people did not see was the deep depressions inbetween them seeing me and I stopped talking about my pain and struggles because they didn't like hearing it.

Do you know what that achieved? Nothing apart from hurting myself to appear not disabled, I still can't work and I was miseable, I was a robot and while I was masking all my pain and symptoms it had a price, I was not able to enjoy life very often, to appreciate being alive and while this conditions means the lowest lows the days when the pain is lower and we can appreciate things its better than anything and I was missing that.

That's my experience so while I have hope for anyone that has found relief I have to urge caution to take stock that you are not pushing yourself to conform to society's and the people in your life's expectations of you rather than accepting where you are.

Blokey bloke here!

38, had it all my life along with hypermobility but only got diagnosed after a virus a decade ago kicked my symptoms into overdrive and had to stop working, miss having the ability I once had, I was never super sporty due to pain and hypermobility but loved walking a lot and a bit of biking and outdoor photography which are all things I struggle with now.

It's hurts so much that we did not have that supportive, loving environment and a safe space to feel able to be vulnerable, I have realised that a lot of what I went through alone is so messed up, I remember from the age of 7 or so laying awake at night scared, upset and lonely worrying about things, it makes me so sad that I should have been able to go to my parents for comfort.

The most profoundly upsetting memory was when I became aware of my own mortality, that I would stop existing one day, I remember an unbearable weight of loneliness and sadness and fear, and I went through that alone, for years I would lay awake at night in fear and I never spoke to anyone because I did not know it was possible to get comfort from others, I though everyone just went through life alone.

You did nothing wrong, you were an innocent child, he was the adult, in my experience with both my parents the thing I "did wrong" was to exist which is pretty damn ironic because they made the choice to have me and they were too damn immature and damaged to raise a child but instead of looking at themselves and making the choice not to or doing better they took the easy way out and blamed me, honestly they are cowards, I know it's not easy but when a child is involved there are no excuses. I have literally been told they did their best and been told that means I had shelter, food, toys etc but that still does not excuse or change anything.

I took struggle with the guilt of blocking and being no contact but something that has taken me a long time to do was set a rock solid boundary and if it is overstepped I fully block him for as long as I want, don't get me wrong it was hard and it was hell but it gives me a sense of safety and on my mind atleast if he oversteps that boundary he is the one that has caused me to cut him out which makes a difference to me and my guilt at least a little bit.

It hurts like hell but I hope it's going to be better for my mental health and my sense of safety going forward as not doing it was hell as well.

Whatever is going on it sounds like abuse to me.

If you are the only person who is the target of this anger it might be worth exploring whether you could be the scapegoat in your family.

My personal experience as someone who has Fibromyalgia and trauma from childhood neglect and abuse as well as from an extremely traumatic 10 year relationship that repeated a lot of those abusive patterns is that while fibromyalgia AND my trauma can overlap and I can get incredibly angry I am not abusive towards others.

I can absolutely be angry and snap at them or get triggered and punch a wall or myself but that anger never gets intentionally directed at a person no matter how much my triggered state might want me to attack someone I have still have control over my actions to a degree, and I always make it clear they are not the problem, it is my trauma and that is my responsibility, just because they triggered my trauma and that reaction it does not mean they are to blame.

I can also be incredibly angry at the world for the pain I live in and all that fibromyalgia has robbed me of but that's no excuse to hurt others, especially if they are there for me, even more so for my partner who cares for me.

Look after yourself first, you can't care for someone if you are not putting yourself first, when that anger is directed at you the best thing to do is to leave that situation and go somewhere where you feel safe, talk about it with someone you trust who is not part of your family and give yourself time to feel upset and angry, let those emotions guide you in how you want to go forward,.

If your upset and anger are telling you it is too much for you that is perfectly valid and reasonable, you should not and do not have to be treated that way if it is hurting you.

That means you can lessen your time interacting with her, taking less responsibility for her care and or emotional support if it is to much for you, that can wax and wane too depending on how it effects at different times and what else is going on in your life.

Set clear boundaries if you want to still help but not be an emotional punching bag, be clear and direct, simply state that if you are treated like "X" then you will do "Y", for example "If you shout at me then I will leave the room/house".

Also it's sad to say this but expect to be hurt when boundary setting, a lot of people who are abusive get angry, manipulative and very nasty when boundaries are set in an attempt to get those people to stop the boundary setting, in my experience both my parents pulled on the heartstrings, there is a lot of "poor me, you have stabbed me in the heart" overly dramatic and overly emotional language meant to guilt you into backing down so they can continue, this may involve other family members putting pressure on you to back down, if any of this happens remember it's not your fault and your boundary setting did not cause it, the lack of respect for you caused it.

Just remember that a loving and respectful relationship means that if you set a boundary, even if its out of the blue the other party will respect that boundary even if it hurts them, and if they want to understand why they will listen to you and not belittle your subjective experience that causes you pain.

They will not make statements like "I'm sorry but" or "if only you had not done X then I would not have", they will simply listen and sit with how you were made to feel, explain from their point of view what they thought happened and apologise and will then actually start making real attempts to change that behaviour because they value and respect you and your relationship with them, unfortunately too many parents feel they are owed our love and care no matter what, especially if they have been through tough times.

Stay strong and remember none of this is your fault, your love and empathy does not mean you deserve it be treated like shit.

As someone with constant low energy due to depression, CPTSD and Fibro I just want to say I know how much it sucks to be hungry but not have the physical or mental energy to get food.

I am still working this, if you need to eat honestly whatever you can mage to eat is better than no food, for me that can be snack food, instant noodles that only require boiling water and a fork, canned foods etc but but my advice is that if you are able prep food once every 3 to 5 days, tubs of chopped up veggies and fruit you like, can add cheese and whatever carbs thst keep well and are nkce cold, you can even meal prep in advance if you want more calories.

Also sachet soups are good too as again just need boiling water, as is instant mash potato that you can add things to.

The one healthy absolutely amazing food for comfort and energy is porridge, get the sachets you you just need to add boiling water to or a big pack of porridge oats you can cook in the microwave, you can add fruit or a bit of syrup too.