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I agree with you! It's just annoying because everyone I know that's gotten married had these big weddings that spanned multiple days so I know that's what everyone is expecting. We're already getting all sorts of questions about stuff that I have no intention of participating in.
So yeah I'm doing what I want but I'm not looking forward to the millions of questions and badgering about what we're doing and why we're not doing this or that. 🙄
My advice would be don’t wait for the questions, be upfront. So like.. instead of waiting for the “where are we going for your bachelorette?” tell your friends right away your plan or that you are skipping it. It applies to everything else you don’t want to do
When I got engaged and we got lots of wedding questions, it helped me to reframe it as less "omg so much pressure and I'm anxious about planning so I have nothing" and more as "people are wanting to connect with you in excitement and it's easiest to ask about the wedding as a topic".
If you give people some benefit of the doubt that they're coming from a place of love, it can help lessen the angst you might be placing on yourself in return.
Perfectly fine to say "we're just enjoying being engaged for now!"
I don’t know why the downvotes. I’m going through this and I’m 45f and my fiancé is 49. I have family and friends that are asking for details, etc. and I have no idea what I want and just started Googling things with no direction. I don’t and won’t spend 20k or more on a wedding and that’s even in the low range! It’s ONE day! I want “low key” but I don’t know what that looks like for a wedding. Sorry I have zero advice but wanted to say I’m in the same boat and although we will do what WE want to do, we still have family (mainly) pressure on decisions and advice we too don’t know how to deal with.
An uncle just got married and they went on a nice trip to Hawaii and had a ceremony there by themselves. Then when they came back they went to the courthouse with just their parents and kids and later that day had a casual bbq with probably around 40 people. Very low key, bring your own drinks. It served its purpose.
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I agree that your earlier comment should not have been downvoted, and while I’m not going to downvote you here, I will say your last statement was uncalled for. You mention earlier that you don’t want to deal with people questioning the choices that you’re making for your wedding, then immediately turn around with a budget-shaming comment. You are allowed to have a park/garden ceremony and a restaurant reception just as much as others are allowed to spend $20k+ for a weekend event. It is not up to you to determine what is and is not acceptable to spend on a wedding that’s not even yours.
As for the point of your post, it’s nearly impossible to avoid the questions and outside opinions you will receive as you plan. My best advice is to share as much as your willing to about your wedding plans and move the subject along. I wish you luck
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A word to the wise- there are some wedding things that can be cut to make things easily more low-key (no wedding party, minimal florals, etc.), BUT if you are hosting a medium to large group of people, wanting it to be „just“ a dinner“ isn’t going to automatically make it more low-key just because it’s not your typical wedding.
My example- my SIL and BIL eloped and then did an 90 person reception a year later. They skipped out on a lot of wedding centric things like wedding parties, florals, speeches, programs, dancing, etc. they approached it as a larger, low key dinner because „hey, it’s not a wedding!“. It was almost a mess. They still had to do a seating plan, order linens, have some kind of decor, rent the flatware and silverware, buy all the booze, etc. I missed the first 30 minutes because I was setting up right until people started arriving. somethings about weddings are stressful because they are weddings, somethings are stressful because it takes work to gather people together.
The fewer the people, sometimes the lower key it is!
Great advice! We are going to have very few guests which is why I want a small event with minimal planning.
That sounds like a great plan! Best of luck!
I honestly don't think there is anything such as a "normal American" wedding. It can mean many things including Vegas-style elopements to large banquets. Honestly, it comes down to what you and your FH want and value. If you want to have a small beach wedding or at a museum, state park, or whatever, then do it! The only person that need to be happy are you. We had the same dilemma and ultimately started with a general budget and the must-have people, and settled on a small wedding at a restaurant with just immediate family. Ignore the noise from others the best you can, and have the wedding of your dreams 🥰. No one else's expectations should matter!
So you can absolutely have a small wedding in a park or public space (look at your local park and rec websites to get info about space rentals) and then you can rent a room, buy out, or just do a large party at a restaurant.
I’d figure out which is going to be more difficult first, like if you only have one ceremony space in mind but you like 5-10 different restaurants, choose a date where the ceremony space is available. If you really only like one restaurant and there are a bunch of ceremony space options, choose a date where the restaurant is available.
When people reach out and ask about the wedding say “We’re really enjoying being engaged right now and we’re still decided what makes the most sense for us”.
The biggest issue with a restaurant wedding is you typically don’t have a dancefloor, so you won’t have a great space for a first dance or any parent dances. If may not be important to you - but something to think about! You can still do a first something.
Your wedding doesn’t need an open bar at all
Great advice, thank you!
Yeah we're skipping the couple/first dances but would like to have a dance space for everyone to celebrate.
This is the Wedding planning Spreadsheet my fiance and I use to plan together. It’s 36 pages and takes you from engagement to your honeymoon, including a 12 month check list & budget sheet.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1EXBHpAdy1aqrNdGwRJDWC1d7jbzmRjZuPP7JQ0e6dmg/copy
It works for all sizes of weddings and celebrations!
Of course you can have a small ceremony at a garden/park and dinner in a nice reataurant. Why couldn’t you? What makes you concerned this is not an option?
I'm thinking about the after dinner party. (Dancing/drinks.) I'm not sure how a restaurant could accommodate that so it looks like I'd have to pick an actual wedding venue or a second venue for after dinner?
Then at that point you are back to the "typical American wedding" that you don't want to have.
Minus the Rehearsal Dinner, Bridal Shower, Bachelorette party, Bridesmaids/Groomsmen, First Dance, etc.
There is no rule book saying you have to do any of those things listed?
Of course not but that is the expectation when you tell people you're getting married.
I mean these are self imposed expectations if you’re paying for the wedding yourself?
I’m not really understanding why you’re struggling with this.
I think it's easy to understand being frustrated when you tell people you're engaged and then get hit with a hundred questions about shit you don't plan on doing.
As I said previously OBVIOUSLY I will do whatever I want but I still have to deal with explaining to people why I don't want a first dance or a rehearsal dinner, etc. These are things people automatically expect you to have nowadays.
If your friends and family are super chill and low-key good for you! But the last wedding I went to was a three day meticulously planned ordeal that cost well over $50k and I know whatever I do will be compared.
Again OBVIOUSLY I will do what I want but am frustrated with being held to these ridiculous standards and expectations in modern day America. I don't know a single couple that recently got married that didn't drag it out for over a year with a engagement party, bachelorette/bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, post wedding brunch, etc.
Most venues now cater to this extreme capitalistic American wedding planning and I have found it extremely hard to find venues that don't require 50 guest minimum, $10k base rate.
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Sure but I also don't want to explain over and over again to people that I don't want to do certain things because the most important people in my life have passed away recently and I don't have enough friends for bachelorette/bridesmaids.
I'm glad people have so many friends and family that they can easily find 100+ guests for their wedding but I'll be thrilled if even 5 people show up for me.
It’s normal for people in your life to be excited for your wedding. I just don’t understand why you’re irritated by people caring about this major life event.
I also had a small and “low-key” wedding (especially compared to my friends), where we forwent most wedding traditions. Once I said we weren’t planning on doing showers, rehearsals, bridal parties, and we didn’t gifts (we are DINK high earners in our 30s) - people didn’t bring it up again and still expressed their excitement.
My friends aren’t low-key or chill, they all had 175-275 person Black Tie affairs in downtown ballrooms where their floral budgets were likely the cost of our entire wedding and guess what… They still flew 3k miles and had an absolute blast at our outdoorsy wedding and no one “compared” them. Their weddings weren’t my style (or budget), but they were still really fun and made them happy. You honestly come off as judgmental and dismissive of other’s tastes.
Again - if you’re paying for your own wedding I really don’t understand what you’re frustrated about. No one said anyone has to follow societal norms in respect to weddings. Perhaps you should just elope so people stop asking you about your nuptials if you’re already this annoyed by their interest.
If you don't want dancing and drinks, don't have dancing and drinks. Just because other people want and expect that, doesn't mean you have to do it. They can have those things at their weddings.
Some time back I saw something on T.V. where a couple literally got married at their kitchen table. They might even have been wearing pajamas. They just wanted to make it legal. That's all you "need" to do to get married--whatever you need to make it legal where you live. All the rest is gravy.
Tons of people have done this over at r/weddingsunder10k!
We eloped with our parents, rented a big house on a lake, got married, had a nice upscale dinner, and then spent the rest of the weekend doing lake things. Then we had a reception a couple months after. Your wedding can be anything you want it to be; you’re not responsible for others’ expectations.
I’ve been to a few restaurant weddings. one that was low key (and awesome) was a small religious ceremony and then off to a private room in a restaurant for a multi course, delicious traditional Japanese meal. Another one I went to did a ceremony in the groom’s mom’s gorgeous backyard, then off to a restaurant where they did a buy out, so that we had dinner, music, dancing, for a few hours since we had the restaurant for ourselves. (Buy outs are obviously more expensive than private rooms, though).
Go to the courthouse.
Yes! We are doing an elopement package at a private club and having a dinner in their restaurant afterwards. Search for elopement/micro/tiny wedding packages
We’re having a ceremony followed by a cake and punch reception. It is cheaper but has been a bit of a pain in the ass because most venues outside of halls cater to the “traditional” wedding. Just finding a venue that is open before 3pm in our area has been a challenge. We also don’t want to do alcohol. I feel like there will be some push back but everyone will just have to suck it up, it’s our wedding and we are paying for it 😂
Yeah that's been my experience so far too. If they do weddings it's a whole production.
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That is basically what I did with my partner. We invited just parents, siblings, siblings partners, and grandparents, under 20 total. Once you have a rough headcount, reach out to some of your favorite restaurants to ask about their events. They might have a party room, or cordon off a section, or close the whole place for you if they’re small enough. Then you can work with them on menu and how you want the night to look.
In terms of ceremony, this will vary state-to-state, and of course on your religion, if applicable. You may need to have an officiant present. Keep in mind limitations of your guests. Grandparents that need access to chair were the reason we couldn’t just walk over to a nice park, which was our first choice. We ended up just doing the ceremony right before dinner in the restaurant. And one thing to consider is whether it’s important to you to get legally married at the actual wedding. You can always do it at the courthouse, and then hold your own ceremony with vows before or after to solidify it emotionally/spiritually. The government does not care whether you have a ceremony and say vows, they just care that you’ve signed the certificate in front of a witness. This is what ended up happening for my wedding because we messed up the courthouse process and couldn’t get the marriage license in time, and it wasn’t a big deal.
The only hiccups I usually see for ceremonies at local parks are when it comes to renting chairs.
If the park doesn’t provide the chairs, then you’ll have to rent them from a third-party vendor. But most rental companies aren’t able to do (or make it VERY expensive to do) same-day setup and teardown—which is kind of a requirement since you really can’t leave random chairs unattended in a public park overnight, lol.
Also, be sure to check with your local Parks & Rec department, as most parks require permits for any kind of gathering like this, no matter how small. And it’s very much a permission situation (vs. a forgiveness situation)
We are having a small ceremony with parents, siblings and grandparents. The ceremony venue only holds 45 people anyway! Then we are doing a “reception” at a Mexican restaurant with around 90-100 Total cost of our wedding is about $7,000.
OP, you gave some very interesting insights about yourself in a comment that got buried deep. I'll paraphrase them here:
- You don't want to have to explain that you don't do certain things because the important people in your life have passed away recently.
- You don't feel you have a lot of friends (whether for bridesmaids or just in general).
First off, I'm sorry for your losses.
What really irks you here? Is it that you fundamentally don't like the idea of bachelorette/bridesmaids/blah blah blah? Or is it that you feel bad because you (perceive) you cannot have these things due to your losses and thus you want to tell yourself they were stupid capitalist wastes of money in the first place?
It's totally cool not to be into the idea of bachelorette/bridesmaids/blah blah blah even if you had more money than God and had 25 friends who were all begging to dress identically. I just think you might do yourself a favor by really deconstructing where your feelings come from.
But others' expectations count for nothing. You seemed to be leaning in the direction of a public park and then dinner at a restaurant. Great! Nothing wrong with that.
I also think you have to distinguish between people making conversation and really caring. I mean, "oh, so where are you having it?" is a common question, but it's also idle chit-chat, know what I mean? It's like asking "so what are you planning on naming the baby?" to a pregnant woman. No one is *really* invested in the answer.
BTW, you mentioned "not doing a first dance" a couple of times. GIven your clarifying post, I'm assuming it's because you have lost parent(s) so you don't want to be in a position of a father/daughter dance that you are unable to do. But lots of people skip those dances. You can certainly have a first dance of you and your new husband, and then invite everyone to the dance floor. Indeed, the father/daughter dance (and the corresponding mother/son dance) are skipped A LOT. It's totally fine. Don't cut off your nose (your own first dance with husband) to spite your face on this one!
My family also expected us to do it up big because every wedding is basically a giant family reunion. We ended up sending a family newsletter in the beginning saying that we were prioritizing our relocation and first home, then probably looking at a fall 2025 date.
Fast forward to now and I planned a small wedding of 27 people for this October within a month lol.
My fiancé’s dad is also a generous person and gave us money to use however we want for our wedding, either big or small, and having it small meant I could do a lot more custom stuff that I probably couldn’t do if our guest list was bigger.
We have no regrets with our decision and I’m very much looking forward to spending time with the people that are going to be there:)
Our wedding is next month and we’ve spent less than 2k and only invited like 30 people! We just didn’t see the point in a whole big thing to go into debt over and would rather have fun with family/super close friends. We saved the most on a venue I think. Looking at local parks/community centers is a great way to stay cheap. We’re fortunate to live in a very beautiful area so it’ll be gorgeous outside without needing decorations lol We’ve also opted to make our own food, but did look into the restaurant idea too!
All this to say, yes it’s very possible to keep it lowkey. It’s you’re wedding, it should be how you want it 😊
Great advice from some previous commenters! These small weddings are definitely tending right now, and more & more people are realizing the ridiculousness of a huge expensive party for 100+ people! Follow your heart. Even if you have a tiny ceremony, you don’t have to have a bigger reception at a later date. That just gets expensive and stressful- exactly what you’re trying to avoid. Wishing you the best & I promise you won’t regret going very VERY small.
A friend of mine had their ceremony in a park with the people really close to them. Parents, siblings, immediate family and certain friends.
They then rented out a restaurant and had everyone pay for their own meal.
It was nice, simple and intimate.
Hire a planner
I don't see the point in hiring someone for what will essentially be a half a day event.
It’s your wedding so whatever you want, you don’t need the approval from strangers. There are no rules. You don’t need to meet the expectations of people, it’s your wedding. Just be clear with your guests about what the plan is.