Pelvic floor therapy, can't insert a Q-Tip

Doctor / Physical Therapy

Hi guys... I've been away for a bit but I'm back again with another installation of "Cat lady K, the girl trying to become comfortable with her vajajay"

I officially started pelvic floor therapy as of yesterday and I'm already discouraged.

I had my intake session about a month ago, and my PT gave me some stretches to do at home until I saw her again, but officially started doing the work with her one on one yesterday. She asked me if I wanted to attempt an internal exam, just to see where I was and I agreed, because I was curious. She was okay with us just focusing on external things for the session, and she wasn't pushy about an internal exam, but it was truly sheer curiosity for me, We attempted and she could barely get her finger in before I tensed up and it started stinging so we immediately stopped.

We spent the remainder of the session focused on stretches to open up my pelvic floor (which is hypertonic. lovely) and she did some work on my psoas, which are tight as FUCK it hurt so bad. She told me that instead of forcing myself to insert something like my smallest dilator (which feels daunting) attempt a q-tip. A q-tip seemed feasible so tonight, after doing my little stretches (that I've been doing daily for the past few weeks), I decided to lube up a q-tip, get a mirror and go for it.

and now I'm sitting here, typing this and crying because I couldn't even insert a q-tip. I couldn't even see my OPENING to insert a q-tip. it didn't hurt or burn, which is a start but I couldn't get it in. and I'm so discouraged because if I can't even insert a q-tip, how the fuck am I supposed to progress to anything larger like a finger or a dilator? Maybe I'm being dramatic, because I did only have one PT session, but I have been stretching for weeks, and started to feel more bodily awareness, which is HUGE for me , so this is a crushing blow . I keep telling myself I'll recover and make progress, but something like this feels devastating yet again. It's like my pelvic floor is permanently clenched and will never relax. I'm going to stop attempting for tonight because I'm too worked up to be positive or productive with it, but damn. Has anyone else struggled with a freaking q-tip or am I THAT far gone here?

in vaginismusby catlady3178

81%

Jaded-Banana6205

I think most of us have been right where you're at! It sounds like your pelvic floor is tight beyond just having vaginismus (you can have one without the other) so the fact that you are working on your stretching and awareness is huge! I know it's really, really discouraging but I've definitely been there! I kind of treat it like I'm treating introducing my new cats to each other - try not to end a session upset. Even if you can take your phone camera and a good light and take some videos of your opening and watch them while working on your breathing. Even if you just lie in the position you'll eventually dilate in and focus on breathing without any q tips, dilators, anything! Take a look at your day to day body mechanics beyond stretching - are you sitting a lot? When you do sit, what do you do with your legs? Are you in the car a lot? How do you sleep and in what position? Do you clench your jaw? Can you place your finger against the opening and just breathe?

Once you start to get upset and frustrated it's usually time to stop for the day! The fact that it didn't hurt is actually huge. Curing vaginismus is almost less about what you can insert and more about breaking down the feedback loop that penetration = pain. So if you can hold a q tip NEAR your vagina without pain, and can stay relaxed, you're chipping away at that feedback loop.

Definitely check in on your overall mental health. Depression, poor self image, dysmorphia, dysphoria, unhealthy exercising, sucking in your stomach, anxiety....it all contributes to the symptoms.

You aren't alone, I PROMISE

sweet-mango-cherry

Couldn’t agree more with this, manyyyy of us have been in this position and immediately felt discouraged. The fact that you are going to PT, stretching and at least attempted for the first time is a huge win!! Congratulate yourself vs beating yourself up, it’s a process and a breakthrough will happen

Unusual_Bumblebee_48

This is soooo normal! I also was never able to insert a Q tip before pelvic floor therapy. In fact, the thing that finally led me to seek a diagnosis was when I had a yeast infection and I SHOUTED with pain when the Dr tried to insert a speculum, and then she used a Q tip instead and it still made me sob with pain. That Q tip was the first thing I ever had in my vagina and I remember when I left the office, it felt like I could still feel the Q tip in me for HOURS after the appointment, even though she just stuck it in for a moment.

That experience was what led me to finally seek a diagnosis. It took 3 doctors before I finally was diagnosed, the first 2 blew me off, and the 3rd referred me to pelvic floor therapy.

On my first pelvic floor therapy visit, the Dr did an internal exam with her fingers - that was the 2nd time I ever had anything in my vagina. When I tell you I sobbed!!!! The doctor felt so bad. My next 2 or 3 visits, we did stretches for about 45 minutes and then did an internal exam toward the end of each session. She never assigned me any dilators during those first visits, I just did stretches at home. On my 4th-ish visit, I was starting to feel more comfortable with the internal exams. I still struggled, but I wasn't crying anymore. At that point, she finally gave me a dilator to try, it was about the size of a tampon. I brought it home and tried every night for a week and wasn't able to get it in. I was sooooo discouraged, I felt like such a failure telling my Dr I couldn't do it. She was so supportive and we kept working. She asked me to keep trying the dilator and after that next visit I got it in for the first time at home!! It was still hit or miss - sometimes it worked, usually it didn't. But I kept going back and with each visit I got more and more consistent. After a few more visits, I was consistently getting the dilator in.

Please don't give up! You are not too far gone!!!

P.S. I am also a Cat Lady K! And I became comfortable with my va-jay-jay :D

fearlessactuality

Cured!

This sounds like a good progression, I can’t remember but I do think my PT didn’t tell me about dilators right away. Or maybe it was because it took time for them to arrive? No overnight Amazon shipping back then haha.

Unusual_Bumblebee_48

Mine definitely didn't tell me about it until she handed it to me one day, and she never even called it a dilator! I only ended up needing the one size, because once I figured out how to insert that little one consistently, I was able to have PIV within a few weeks and then I 'graduated' PT. (that's certainly not a universal experience - that's just what happened to me!)

It was only recently that I realized that was probably the early phases of dilators and she probably would have kept slowly sizing me up if I hadn't progressed so quickly.

fearlessactuality

Cured!

So happy for you that your Pt was so great and it went so smoothly.

Newbie11107

I am also hypertonic and don’t think I worked on inserting anything for a few sessions!! I did so much breathing and stretching work to get my pelvic floor to relax to a point to even be able to insert something. My PT put it to me like this “imagine your PF is a fist. It’s been clenched for..forever. It has to relax first and after so many years it’s gonna take a minute to even be able to relax and open.” don’t be too discouraged!! This takes time!! But as someone who was in your position last year progress is possible! I’m now finally able to use tampons for the first time in my life!

fearlessactuality

Cured!

I’ll be honest with you, I think a q tip would make me tense up even now. And I have two kids and such. Something about that just seems gross, like it’s not smooth like a penis or a dilator would be. Maybe it’s just me.

I think it’s great your PT is working with you and giving you options, but a dilator does not equal a q tip. Especially because if you don’t know where the opening is (understandable) then the q tip could just be pressing in the totally wrong place. I’m not sure how to explain it but I feel like since then Dilator is more the shape of that area it can sort of slide around to find the right general area?

Look it’s tots ok. You’ll figure this out. There might be some pain and tension at therapy. For me, my PT had be practice relaxing when I felt the pain and it made the pain go away - note: not the burning, that is stretching, which is still ok but you can’t relax your way out of it.

You are trying to gain control of a whole part of your body you basically don’t know how to use! She’s complex! It’s gonna take time and trial and error. You can figure this out!

Beginning-Tackle7553

Hey there, congrats on your work so far which has helped to improve your body awareness, it sounds like an awesome first step :D

For me, q-tips are the freakin worst!! They are so skinny and pointy and not a nice texture, I absolutely cannot have them inside me. I even find a speculum more comfortable than a q-tip. For some reason I also can't get in fingers - I hate the thought of the nail going in. Having said that, I can sometimes have PIV sex - and the penises are definitely bigger than a finger or a q-tip!! I don't think it's so much about size as it is about context, and also about having something that is a nice texture (plus it helps if you're aroused).

I wouldn't be too worried about a q-tip hurting, it doesn't mean you haven't made progress.

catlady3178

Hi everyone , thanks for responding ❤️ I don’t have much mental energy to respond individually right now but I do intend to . I did read every comment and I do appreciate the validation and support from all of you! Thank you for normalizing this small hurdle in vaginismus and pelvic floor dysfunction. I’ve calmed down quite a bit but I truly thought I was doomed yesterday .

I plan to continue moving forward with my stretching and honestly just continuing to desensitize myself to the sensation of something being near my opening since that’s one of my biggest triggers at the moment .

You’re all so kind and I’m glad I’ve found a supportive community here!