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Hot topic: Is it terrible to ask your grown kids who pay some rent for their room to offer their rooms up for family coming in town for an event for a day?
In my opinion, you don't have the space to host visitors overnight.
Your kids live in your house and are paying for the "privilege" to do so. Where would you expect them to go?
Ultimately, it is on your family travelling in from out of town to find suitable accommodation. If that means paying for a hotel, then so be it.
On another point, if you are the one who wants to volunteer to host your out of town family, then you could be the one give up your own room. This is based on the assumption that your kids have not volunteered to host the family.
Thanks for your response. They are privileged to remain at home paying some kind of rent in order to do so. Being a parent for all these years where decisions were mainly ours to make is what we know as of now. Venturing into a world where now our roles have changed does change the dynamics of the relationship. We would definitely allow our family to stay in our room as it can accommodate another to sleep. I am trying to show what hospitality may look like. The house is brand new and large. They would sleep on the couch or loft on air mattresses. All will fit in the home.
I think something else that you should bear in mind is that your children's bedrooms are their private living spaces (especially as adults). Yes, your name might be on the bits of paper, but their bedrooms are where the go to sleep, where they go to disengage from the world, where they go to relax and where the keep all their personal effects and worldly belongings.
Venturing into a world where now our roles have changed does change the dynamics of the relationship.
Your oldest (as per another comment you've made) is 24. This process should have started at least 6-8 years ago and you should be well used to it by now.
Timelines for knowing and doing are subject to each family’s different situation. I was also told that when a kid turns 18, they are supposed to move out. There are a lot of things people have an idea about as far as expectations. I think the time is very near, to have the discussion about leaving the nest 🪺 😇
If the couch is comfortable enough for your adult children to sleep in for a few days, why is it necessary to evict them from their rooms that they pay for, in order for your guests, also adults, to get the bedrooms?
Why can the guests not use said couches & air mattresses?
I would never ask my children, regardless of age or rental status, to give up their private space to a guest.
This is asshattery at its finest. And you can't even see how much of an asshat you're being. In any other situation, this is literally illegal to deprive a renter of their rented space without like two weeks' notice, and that's just for maintenance work, plus... aren't you worried about the sperm/vaginal juices in the beds your extended family would be sleeping on? Kids living at home are horny as hell.
Its ok to ask, but its also ok for them to say no.
Exactly. You can ask anyone anything, you just have to respect whatever answer they give you
At least they are asking. My family takes liberties with stuff like this. They would give away my room without even telling me.
I was going to reply this. My kid would probably give up her room for a night for family, but family always gets an AB/B when they visit anyways.
Are you giving up your room? If as you say they are adults they are perfectly entitled to privacy and may not be comfortable having someone else in their personal space.
That’s a valid point. Yes, we would share our room. As they can theirs. The space allows for it temporarily. Hosting such a large event is quite intimidating for me. This is very tricky to maneuver.
It is okay to ask under the following conditions:
You are also okay with giving up your room for these family members.
You will take no for an answer and definitely not ask again, and definitely will not try to guilt them into it.
Yes. We are okay with sharing our room as we have the space to do so. We are accepting their position as one is okay with it while the other three are not. The thing left to do is be on the same page as Husband and Wife in our new home and make that decision. There are things the emerging adults understand and that is there will be expectations clearly understood as they are staying in our home. No one is being held prisoner and honestly speaking they’d be able to move out and have each other as roommates. One day of a full house shouldn’t be what breaks a family’s peace. 🕊️
They're paying you rent. Even if one isn't written down they still have a Tenancy Agreement. It will depend on location, but it would include things like how much notice you'd need to give them to move out, how much written notice you'd need to give them for you to even access the individual areas they're paying for, some kind of compensation if their rental spaces are temporarily unavailable etc etc.
If they were paying some kind of housekeeping contribution it would be different, but you've defined it as rent. You can have the 'it's our home, our rules' parental mindset, or you can have the rent, not both, or at least not in good conscience.
In a family dynamic I very much doubt that you'd be held legally accountable by your children as landlords, but perhaps you should treat them with the respect you would afford to other adults.
That said. I see nothing wrong in asking them this as a favour, but you need to accept their answers.
I can see that point. That is easier to look at in regards to being regular adults renting a room. Affording some compensation for a room not being available that they pay for, etc. my initial thought when reading that was “their rent is already discounted” 😂😂. Aside from that, I do appreciate your view on the matter and your feedback here.
It doesn't matter how much you're charging them. The laws are the same.
You mentioned in another comment that you were told that children should move out at 18. Where did that notion come from, and why do you subscribe to it?
It’s a common thing that was said and still probably is the case for some. What laws are you referring to? Kind of odd bringing up the law in regard to a preference of family staying in your room for a day 😅😅😅….in my house!..😅
You didn't answer why you agree with it - you may not have enforced it to the letter, but you act like you're doing your children a massive favour by allowing them to rent.
What laws? Occupancy laws. As I previously explained, when you started charging them rent (rather than housekeeping contributions), you became their landlord, and, as such, you have certain responsibilities to upkeep when it comes to standards and their rights as tenants. In most places these would include the right to privacy in their individual areas, 48 hours written notice for you (or someone on your instructions) to enter those individual areas, and the expectation that areas they've paid for are available.
Your definition of 'discount' in this case doesn't apply. They pay x/month for x/space+amenities, you remove some of the space/amenities, but still charge them x. It doesn't matter what you might be able to charge someone else, they would have legal recourse to have some of that fee refunded.
I've already said that it's unlikely the law would be applied by your children, I'm bringing this to your attention to show you that your position is unethical.
And there you go again with the laughing emojis and the "iN MY hOuSE!" stuff. You sound insecure and childish, perhaps that's why you're struggling to accept your children as adults.
No, I’m not childish nor am I insecure. I am aware of tenant laws, all admittedly not as a lawyer, but have read a great deal. The 48 hour rule you reference upon entry of dwelling, well this is at least 2 weeks out so that’s covered. They have their space and I rarely ever go in their space unless they’re there and I’m giving them something or chatting. I know this may sound absurd and ludicrous or “unethical” to you, but this is why mixing family with legality and finances are a bad combination as the line is blurred by previous relationship. Expectations of living here were made clear and they are in breach of said expectations, but I haven’t been flailing around eviction notices as their behaviors are continuing as kids (spaces not cleaned appropriately, etc) yet want to be treated as adults. I don’t claim to know it all as you do and honestly wanted to know opinions from another’s perspective. For the most part I agree with your stance. They pay as agreed upon! They are good, as you should know, they will not have to give up their rooms. We listened. The one that said they don’t mind has an option to if he chooses once the family arrives. I just try to do my best as a parent to have a meeting of the minds after coming from “My way or the highway” upbringing to “My life, My way” mentality in regards to kids. However I don’t agree with the 18 year old having to move out merely because they’re 18. That’s just what was said while I was growing up. I do stand by “My house, My rules” since that is legal and the law sees it as such. Kids paying rent or not have the right to vacate if they don’t like it. Pure and simple 😂. Yes….another emoji 🤷🏽♀️
When you say children, do you mean adults? Are they 16 or 21?
If they're fully grown adults, it's OK to politely ask and see but they'd be fully within their rights to not. That said, as far as "rights" go. I assume there's no written agreement so your house your rules but I can't imagine anything good coming out of enforcing them to share if they don't want to. If they're teenagers, they're still kids under your care and the rent thing isn't really rent.
Yes they are 18, 19, 20, and 24 respectively. There is no legal agreement but an agreement is in place. We discussed hospitality and how that looks when we may have a large number of guests, which we NEVER have except once every 3 years or so. We have visited family and were offered the rooms of others as we traveled and were young and broke 😅😅. But I completely understand biting off more than we can chew in regards to what we actually can do to include comfortability for all. We want to be great hosts, but don’t want to create contempt with our emerging adults. This transition of doing as I say to “Asking” is indeed a new concept and a tricky transition. Thank you for your response 😇
We want to be great hosts
You* want to be a great host.
This transition of doing as I say to “Asking” is indeed a new concept and a tricky transition.
I said in my other comment, but your oldest is 24. Legally speaking, they've been an adult for 6 years. This "concept" should in no way be new to you, nor should it be tricky.
I think it's shitty to ask if they are actually paying rent towards the room. Why is it on them rather than the visiting family to arrange hotels? I assume you're not offering to give up your room for them either?
You can ask, but they're well within their rights to say no.
I don't thinking it's shitty to ask - it is their family, too. However, OP should also be prepared to accept a "no", which is fair, although as a daughter living with my mother, I would find it incredibly shitty of the kids to say no.
The family getting a hotel is not out of the question. It may actually be what some choose. I got my answer from the emerging adults. Still deciding on the best course of action. Thanks for your input.
Its a funny thing to me that people expect their children to pay rent. My parents would never ask or accept, not that I would offer… also moved out at 18 so… cant understand this family dynamic either way.
I paid (what's called in West Central Scotland) "dig money" to my parents, once I started earning a full time wage. But it was more to cover my part of the groceries and electricity and gas bill.
It was a pretty sweet deal. I paid my dig money and my mum and dad done the grocery shopping, made most of the lunches and dinners for the family and my clothes were washed.
My parents explained that if I refused to pay then I'd have to do my own groceries, do all my own washings and all that shit.
I was happy to pay for those few extra years without the responsibilities.
It’s okay. I appreciate your opinion on the matter.
You’re the asshole if you ask them to do this. They’re your tenants, not your children in this situation.
Thanks for your feedback.
provided they're given a deduction in rent.
by the way if you were my father and you started charging me rent while you know the housing market is in absolute shambles and there's no actual rental houses available know that once you're retired and your health is failing I'd absolute let you rot away on your own or start charging you for any help you might need.
Charming
just teaching some responsibility on how to use your healthcare funds wisely.
Why wouldn't you want to contribute? I happily gave some of my wages to my parents when I started working. I'm out of their hair now of course but I'd cost them more than enough growing up, alleviating their mortgage/utility bills for a few years was no skin off my nose
I'll happily contribute.
you're also going to happily contribute to me once you need my help, it goes both ways.
but I'd cost them more than enough growing up
having children is a voluntary choice, being born is not.
Having children is voluntary of course, but gratitude is too apparently. Unless I cared for my parents round-the-clock for like 30 years I don't think I could ever really repay them. And I don't say that because I was dependant on them for that long but because I think it's such a tall order
your children owe you nothing, you owe them everything.
they'll be taking care of you when you're old provided you took care of them, if you charge them out of the ass then expect them to do the same.
if you took poor care of your children, don't expect to be taken care of when you're older.
All your comments feel directed at your own parents, sorry if that's the case (no snark). I know I don't "owe" my parents anything it just feels right and I flat-out like helping them out and continue to do so
couldn't be more wrong, my father did a great job of raising me and I'll be taking care of him as he's getting older, already am to some extend.
if they got you to pay rent it's only fair if they also pay for your time.
Okay great. Suppose we just disagree fundamentally. My parents don't owe me anything because I payed them rent as an adult, the same way I owe my parents nothing for raising me as a child. It just feels petty and kind of tit-for-tat to me to be thinking about who owes who what within a family context, a good family helps each other out regardless. And a couple dozen rent payments doesn't bring you on a level playing field in the first place, I would hazard a guess that if your parents need your help down the line and you say "I paid rent for 2 years to live with you so you'll have to pay me" it would feel like such a gut punch
having children is a voluntary choice, being born is not.
Continuing to live is a choice.
sure pops, deposit 150€ and I'll come clean your diaper.
So you won't answer the question?
I can only hope our kids won’t feel that way or look at life in such a pessimistic way. One night of sharing your space or offering it up is not the end of the world. But I understand the insanity this new generation has with that kind of mindset. That’s why there’s an increase in violence, suicide and torn relationships because EVERYTHING revolves around themselves. No regard to anyone else in the same space. A recipe for disaster.
First, yeah it seems kinda terrible to me
Second, wrong sub
I wouldn't give up my room for family but I do have reasons. my room is specifically set up with stuff to help me specifically sleep in it. plus the only people in my family who could use my bed are me and my older sister.
By all means put your relatives on the street. Don't force them to stay in a house where the babies run the show.
In order:
Wrong sub, go to AITA
What an asshole thing to make your children pay to live in your house.
They are paying for a room, and you want to deny them the access. Imagine if you rent an apartment and the owner comes and kicks you out for the weekend because his family is in town. Madness.
I agree wih you on #3 but as far as #2, they're not children, they're adults & they should absolutely be paying some sort of rent/bills. You don't owe your offspring shelter in perpetuity. At some point as adults they should be paying their portion of bills even if it's in your home. When someone lives with you, everything goes up...water, electricity, internet usage/needs. You think the parents should cover these costs for grown adults?
Yes I do. The parents chose to bring them to life, they owe them.
The parents chose to bring them to life, they owe them.
By this train of thought isn't it the kids choice to still be continuing to live?
That's an absolutely insane & selfish mindset to the point where I think you're just trolling.
You can think whatever you want to.
One would hope that they’d offer. But I don’t think it’s terrible to ask if they don’t. I mean, it’s one day.
Absolutely yes
Gen X saying it’s ok but respect the answer. Millennials and Gen Z saying you’re an AH for both making them pay rent to “teach them responsibility” cue eye roll and even considering asking to displace them for any amount of time. Just letting you know, your kids are going to be pissed if you ask….is It worth your kids thinking you’re inconsiderate AND cheap?
My thought was more in the realm of hospitality. I would share my room as we have space as well. It is for 1 night at the most, 2 🙂
If I'm paying rent, you are not using my room. It's that simple.
Only if you raised assholes.
This has gotten a great amount of feedback. For those who were able to offer their opinions since I asked, without name calling or belittling me, I thoroughly appreciate it and respect your feedback. I have gathered that in a nutshell, our emerging adults are paying some form of rent to occupy space in our home. Since they do, we cannot require they give up that space they pay for to accommodate anyone. We can only encourage this action as it shows selflessness and willingness to help another when in need, especially family. I can agree with that. I am happy to know that one of the 4 of our EAs decided they don’t mind at all sharing. 🙂
There's nothing wrong with asking
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