Where do I start? What should I do?
They say making friends in your 30s is not the same as in the 20s. I don’t even know what things single and childless 30-somethings do?
I (F29) am getting more and more isolated as my friends move out of the city to start families one by one. I need to make new friends, but I don’t know where to start.
Thank you! I think its really hard.
If I try to invite people to do things, it always has to be planned months in advance and half the time they cancel the last minute. I understand that relationships, their new house and children is top priority. But what am I to do? I spend more and more time just watching Netflix and browsing at home alone…
The idea of going to a class or event alone feels very foreign to me. I live in a scandinavian country where its not really normal to do anything without your group, and its near impossible to penetrate existing groups so to say. But I guess I just have to swallow my anxiety and try…
Sadly it's the fundamental way humans work. We make friends with people we're already familiar with, so you need a way to slowly become familiar with people. Hobby groups, religious groups, work and classes are the best way to do this as an adult, unless you go back to school full time and make university friends again.
And it is very hard, and causes a lot of anxiety, and takes more time than you want it to. Please be forgiving to yourself for feeling anxious about this.
And you're right, there's nothing to do but do it anyway, even though it's scary.
Having opportunities to talk to people regularly is extremely important when it comes to establishing a comfort level and developing a rapport with them. Even if the conversations are brief, it's important that they be regular, that you use the person's name, that you give a little bit of info about yourself and ask about them.
I would also add this whole process becomes MUCH easier if you are bringing certain qualities to the interaction. These are ones I call PIE: Positivity, Interest in others and ENTHUSIASM. Of the three, enthusiasm is the most rare to find in people, yet the most VALUED in terms of people wanting to be your friend.
Enthusiasm translates to being able to show some passion for: yourself, the other person, Life Itself! And since you mentioned Scandinavia I will add the nuance that the American version of enthusiasm might be a bit more over-the-top than the Scandinavian version. But it's still important to show some happiness, some playfulness, some passion -- people literally CONNECT based on positive emotional energy. So it's worth trying to amp that up and come across with a bit of warmth and acceptance.
Good luck!
Not sure where in Norway you're from but despite the generally stranger-resistant culture, there are still ways to meet new people here. If you like to be active then places like climbing gyms can be great. If you like to drink or dance then Norwegians tend to become very social on the weekends around clubs or even on the bus.
You probably don't want to dox yourself but feel free to send me a dm if you want and I'd be happy to give you some more specific ideas or introduce you to some friendly people depending on which city you're in.
Look up improv classes or clubs in your area. I can’t recommend it enough, you’ll meet new people who feel very similar, right away, and also build skills that will help you feel more comfortable getting out there in the future.
Any other hobbies and sports or game clubs are great options, everyone already has something in common to get conversations rolling.
Improv class sounds really fun
Yeah this is good advice. I was going to say look for local groups that meet and share a hobby, like frisbee
This is key, I’m going to do this and keep doing it until the day I die cause it’s the only way to build a sense of community.
Any ideas of volunteer work that would tend to involve younger people? I used to volunteer at a low income food pantry but it would be a lot of retirees.
Yeah, that's a common thing, that retirees have so much time on their hands so they make up a lot of the volunteers in many organizations. But some are more outdoorsy oriented, such as Habitat for Humanity, the National Parks Service, here in FL we have a Horsetherapy thing that teaches people to let go of stress by interacting with horses.
Also volunteering behind the scenes for local community theater should have at least some younger people.
Sometimes you just have to try them out and see.
Attend a dance class. I do salsa. I have tons of people in my life after having none 1.5 years ago
Could this also work as a guy? I have no particular experience in dancing, and don't want to come off as 'creep' to the women in class
You're only a creep if you're a creep bro. If you're not a creep then nobody will think you a creep
As long as you're friendly without acting like a creep, you'll probably be adored. Dance classes tend to be short on leads/dudes.
I might be semi-muscular, however I am bad at things like this and also have mild autism. But I think it might be worth trying
Dungeons and Dragons (and other TTRPGs) is a pretty reliable way if you're a bit of a nerd. It's weekly or biweekly, several hours with a small group of people, reliable scheduling. Will likely have more guys tho, although my current group is more women then guys.
Locally our HackerSpace is great. I go solely to have a place to study and paint and basically store my board games there. Ymmv, but mine is very welcoming even though I don't have a 3D printer and haven't done soldering since highschool, and since it leans older there's far less sexist jerks there then the more open groups.
Dittoing classes. Library here has cookbook classes which seems fun. Art classes too.
MeetUp is popular for finding events. My area has a lot of women and 30s groups. One even regularly goes hiking and on basically adult field trips. I'd suggest giving it a look. Bumble BFF if it's in your area maybe as well.
I've thought about maybe D&D but I know nothing about it and it seems really complicated. How hard is it to learn to play?
It'll be a little confusing, but it's not very hard.
Sorry this is long lol, I meant to be short explaining it. I didn't do a good job tho...
DnD 5e (the current edition) is insanely popular, there's tons of guides on YouTube. Just find one that's aimed at new players. The biggest confusion is there's a lot of terms and DnD isn't as clear as some other systems about what they all are. It took me a few sessions to be comfortable, and I hate to write a note on how I rolled for damage but it was never super unclear I just asked a lot of questions.
The basic concept is you roll a 20 sided dice (d20) for every action and add the relevant modifier off your character sheet. Creating a character is mostly just selecting a race like elf and class like bard and it's subclass, then writing down the relevant info. If you play using online tools like DnD Beyond it'll automatically do all the math which is super easy.
In combat you have three things you can do every turn; Attack, move, and bonus action. Attack is swinging your sword, casting a spell or special actions like helping someone else or escaping a grapple. Movement is generally about 30ft a round. You can move around at any time during combat, but if your next to someone and run away they will take a swing at you during it by default. Bonus actions are extra cool features you get from your class, racial background, or spells. These are usually smaller but cool. A common one is the spell Spirit Guardians which let's you move the area of effect every turn with your bonus action.
Spells are broken into leveled spells (ie level 1) and cantrips. Cantrips are weak spells you can use indefinitely, and things like Prestidigitation where you can magically clean clothes or light a candle with magic. Leveled spells are bigger, like Fireball but generally you have a limit of spells of that level per day. You can always cast a spell at a higher level, the damaging ones generally do more damage that way too. Sorcerer and Warlock classes have some slightly different spell casting rules.
As far as the roleplaying side, I found it very easy to get into. Again, you'll probably say hey DM (dungeon master) I want to try to do X and be told to roll and add your modifier. You can also use features and spells outside of combat, sometimes that's super helpful. Learning to talk in character can be a bit tricky. I come from a writing background, so making a character was easy for me.
Your looking at about $50 investment to start, you want the Players Handbook (nicknamed PHB) and a set of dice or two. The Dungeon Masters guide is aimed at the DM running it and not needed for you, same as the Monster Manual. Xanathar’s Guide to Everything (XGtE) and Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything (TCoE) are supplements with extra options like races and subclasses and around $35 if you want. Most virtual table tops like DnD Beyond are free for players and paid for by DM subscription. Culturally, the players are usually expected to cover the costs of food for the DM if you order pizza or something. If you play in a public game store there may be a $5 table fee.
Highly suggest just photocoping and printing the relevant pages from the book for your class if playing in person btw. Especially if you end up with things across multiple books.
This was so very helpful and gives me confidence to try it. Thank you so much!
This was me 14 years ago. All my friends had graduated, or coupled up, or had children, and generally disappeared. My solution was to join a choir! That’s where I have made all my best friends over the years. You are together every week, sometimes more, and you are making music together which is an immediate bonding activity. If you have any musical ability at all, you can find a choir that will take most anybody. Try it!
This is a tough one, I’m currently going through this as I had to move to a new city a few years ago for a job and none of my friends from college etc live here. I think that finding a place you can be a regular at helps tons. Just figure out the kind of crowd you want to hang out with. For me I’ve been trying to be more healthy so I signed up for a local gym and started going regularly. Even if I didn’t make any friends there it’s still something that I can do to escape from work/life and enjoy myself, that being said I’ve made plenty of “gym friends” and could probably hang out outside of the gym if I wanted to.
Not sure what city you’re in, but usually there’s something trendy in your city. For e.g. I’m in a city in the PNW where hiking and outdoor sports are poplar, so I could join a hiking group, or start a water sport. I haven’t done it but bouldering is also something I’ve heard is very social if you join a club.
If you’re not so into fitness, try to find something that resonates with you. Meetups can be good to start finding people but people are pretty flakey so you might have to try a lot. Bumble bff if you want to try that route but I haven’t tried it. If your city has a “third place” that would be great just to hang out in and slowly make yourself known and form friendships with the regulars.
Basically, you just have to find something or somewhere you can repeatedly show up to and form natural connections with people. Friendships are basically formed by repeated consistent interactions. Good luck!
If your city has a “third place” that would be great just to hang out in and slowly make yourself known and form friendships with the regulars.
What you mean by this?
This! https://youtu.be/VvdQ381K5xg
Warning: you may be visibly upset if you live in America.
Ahhh got it. I live in a city in the the states and my "3rd place" is across the street. like 3 steps.
Awesome!
Oh boy do I feel this one. Losing friends to marriage and babies is too real.
Honestly I did Bumble BFF for some time and found new friends in the city. It wasn’t the same because it was just a lot of surface level friendships but gradually some more meaningful friendships developed. Made a good friend through run club. Some through work as well. Friend circle has definitely shrunk down throughout my twenties as folks move to the burbs and get married and have babies. Weird.
I’m your age and I’ve found a TON of wonderful success on Bumble BFF. Last year I found an incredible group of women who have become my best friends. I recommend putting an activity in your bio that you’d like to do with a partner or group. For example, I wrote about wanting to start a monthly poker night. Good luck!
How old are you and what state/area do you live in? I think bumble bff is pretty dry in my neck of the woods.
I’m 29F and in a major city in the PNW
I don't know what to say but I just cried reading this? I'm sending you best wishes
I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I made recently in my 30s are better than any I had in my past :-)
Volunteering! Pick something you like to spend time doing, ask about volunteering there. I’ve done this at a theater and a farm, both resulted in friends and jobs. Plus with volunteering, if it’s not the right vibe the commitment is low, and you did a nice thing any way.
I [M29] have found out that friendships can be different, mainly on the level of deepness of the friendship.
I have thought my whole life that making friends means finding people that are willing to hang out and talk regularly, and if it doesn't happen that way it means that it's not a "real" friendship.
But it's okay to have friendships where you see or talk to each other on occasions (whichever the frequency is) and have deeper friendships with other people. This thought has made making friends a little easier and less stressful for me
When this happened to me (5 girls out of 8 got married in 2019) and all slowly moved away then quickly during the pandemic. I had to find and grow a whole new girl group in the city. And now I am watching all of them slowly start doing the same thing! It’s just a natural progression… now I have friends dotted all over the place and some friendships fell out. Cycles of life is how I see it. And being childfree is harder for me because I am already the odd man out
In my experience as someone in their 30s who's married: Childless, single 30-somethings get "adopted" by couples like myself and my wife and we tend to make sure you have a proper homecooked meal, a safe night out, and a nice bottle of wine with an outdoor movie night from time to time.
All good tips here. But you need to couple attempts to develop new friendships with acceptance that you likely will never have as many friends as you once did.
Erebody know how Jesus had 12 disciples.. but nobody talk about the miracle that this dude had a dozen friends in his early thirties...
I be lucky if i got three..
Don't remember who's bit that was but I saw it in standup once.
Your comment truly made me lol Spot on
I am in my mind 20s, and i feel your pain. My only friends were family/relatives and I find it extremely difficult to make any friends.
But don't be disheartened. A lot of people I know are very good at making new friends even in their late 20s and early 30s. A good idea would be to start having fun with activities you enjoy and then you can invite people to those activities with you.
There’s an app called Meetup that’s hit or miss. There are also Facebook groups where people meetup to make friends. Take a class of something. I made a friend going to a concert alone. It’ll be hard or feel awkward at first and will take time to find a groove
44 married with three kids now. Many of is have been there! I was single until 38. If I had my late 20's early 30's to do over again, Id spend more time finding things that were interesting to me. Shared interests are great relationship builders. Also, and this may sound super corny but if I had fallen in love with myself earlier, that would have been awesome!
I'm reading some pretty good suggestions here, but I don't recommend making friends with people at work. No matter how similar you may think you are. Though there are exceptions and I am speaking from experiences I've seen personally.
Do you have any siblings? Also, you shouldn't feel trapped thinking you can only be friends with people in your same age group. I've rarely ever clicked with people in my age group. I've always found people older than me having similar interests and way of thinking.
I suggest taking this time to discover yourself and become comfortable with you. I did this for a few years and tbh it's a great opportunity to really evaluate what you like. Some interests were only there because of a friend, but deep down you may not really enjoyed it.
I’m in a similar boat. Moved to the city and left all my friends behind at 28 to study just as they all started getting married and having kids. Made a few friends who are quite a bit younger but everybody I seem to meet in their 30s is either extremely boring or still acts like a teenager. I try to keep an open mind and try new things when I can but I’m pretty introverted so it can be a bit challenging. Dance lessons or night classes have been decent ways to meet people for me but I think it’s just about putting yourself out there mainly. Consider any communal hobbies you have or want to try too.
Make friends with different age group and life stage as you. Make friends with couples and get invited to their dinner parties. Become friends with old people without kids in the house. If you only become friends that are similar to you, as soon as they become different from you, you lose connection with them. Even if you're still and childless, you have to change to accept old friends. You can offer to drive to the suburbs if they invite you to their house parties. You have to be willing to try new things. I've never lived in the cities as I don't make enough income to live in cities. So I befriended coworkers that all live in suburbs and hang out with them. If you want new friends that never change, that means you can't change either. You have to be willing to accept change because people change all the time.
First.. Great advice and we'll delivered. I would of offered a perspective that had less of a velvet touch. I moved around a ton as a kid... I'm 35 now and I still havent lived in a place for longer than 2 years. While it definitely had and still has its drawbacks, what it did provide was an environment which I wasn't required to be the same person as I was the previous weeks months or years. As a young person, that was extremely valuable. As you can imagine as a teenager I made plenty of... Less than intelligent decisions regarding my conduct, extracurriculars, as well as the company I chose.
I could always remember those times when two friends were in disagreement and inevitably one of them would say something to the effect of "I just don't even know who you are anymore. This person you've become I can't even recognize..." (dramatic exit stage-left)
I thought.. Why would you do that to someone you consider to be a friend? Try and hold them back from experiencing life and becoming the person they author themselves to be....
Anyway... You said it well... I'm much too verbose 😂
Start going to concerts and small music shows in your town.
Join a Toastmasters club.
It's is usually a very welcoming community and a good way to network and grow.
Don't feel pressured to follow peers or society. Best advice I can give you is to relax, follow your path and try new things. Take some time for yourself. Months. Years. :)
Look for places where you can do the things you like, maybe a class or an art group of some sort. I found a couple of artist groups that I joun regularly, the meetup app could be a good place to start
If it helps, I can be your friend! Not trying to sound cheesy here, but I feel you. I'm going through something similar. My relatives have isolated me because they think I'm responsible for my mom's demise (she had terminal cancer). You can talk to me if it helps.
Note: I'm 29NB AFAB
I made friends by going to pole dancing classes, and now I've made a lot of friends in the pole community
I made some friends throughout the years from going to anime conventions, befriending fellow weebs. Where we stay in touch through Instagram, and occasionally set up fun photoshoot ops or do anime watch parties.
Because I'm queer, I am also looking for LGBTQA+ community based events as well. A lot of people tend to be childfree in this community as well, so making plans and hanging out is not as troublesome. Some people do have kids, but they like to go out of their way to be with friends because a support system is incredibly important, especially for us underrepresented
So what are your hobbies? Start from there
Meetup group, or networking group is a good start; churches or non profits work as well
Volunteer
Bumble has a friendship section in its app. I've meet people in my city who have become great friends through it. I'm a 35 male, bucking the trend of friendlessness in men cus of it.
Join crossfit or some voluntary stuff
Go to church events, start your own social club with announcement in church bulletin? start a book club meeting at a coffee shop each Saturday with notices posted on library bulletin board and on Reddit r/YourCity?
M 29 i am available if u r in Bangalore
Advocate for affordable housing in your community so people don't have to move away.
They're likely moving away because they want single story houses and lawns for their kids. Housing like that isn't going to happen and shouldn't happen in a city center, where dense housing is needed.
For people that still want to live in the urban area, but also want families, we should build more three-bedroom condos. You can definitely raise your family in a condo, you don't need a detached home and a lawn.
In my opinion, townhouse is the most-sustainable architectural style. Bottom story can be 1 or 2 car garage wide (and 2 deep, creating a 4-car garage if necessary). Next level can be kitchen/dining/entertainment, 3rd level bedrooms, and rooftop patio/solar panels. Each house can have a mini lawn behind it, just to have a small row of tomatoes/cucumbers, a BBQ and a swingset.
The amount of living space is generous while occupying a small footprint. And very modular.
I agree, but I don't see the need for that much parking lol, especially if we built our cities so we didn't need to drive as much.
The beauty is, that garage level can be converted into a storefront (support small businesses, change zoning laws to prohibit it). Or it can be your personal gym / pool table / table tennis room. Or storage for hoarders. So many possibilities.
I'm not saying we should all live in Hong Kong style apartment cells, but on the other extreme, American suburbia is very wasteful in regards to space management, as are American suburban shopping centers.
I loved living in the city as a kid. There's definitely a lot of things we could change to make raising a family in the city more attractive for people. More green spaces, for instance. You don't need your own private backyard as much if there's a park right down the street.
I've also seen apartment buildings with communal garden areas where each tenant can have their own little garden plot. Things like that allow people to have some of the integral experiences for their kids, like teaching them to grow plants and interact with nature, without having to buy a house with a yard and commute all the way into the city for work.
(And green spaces have a good effect on people's mental health, and help reduce flash flooding and the urban heat island effect).
Cities could be a paradise for families but the usual for-profit greedy capitalist bullshit gets in the way of it.
for-profit greedy capitalist bullshit gets in the way of it.
Mainly, NIMBY homeowners and the government laws that cater to them. Laws that prevent building anything other than single-family homes and high-rise apartments. We hardly build any mid-density, mixed-use urban areas. These are the sorts of neighbourhoods with 4-6 storey buildings, plenty of light at street level, and opportunity for the parks and neighbourhood gardens that high-density doesn't allow.
You also don't NEED a 3 bedroom condo
For two parents and two kids, you kind of do. I think your kids deserve privacy and their own room once they get a bit older.
I recently searched through facebook and found a group for women in their 20’s and 30’s where I live and met up with them and it was great!
Try looking for a group like that or join a class like a dancing/yoga class and you’ll meet a range of people
I think you can keep the friends you have. Not all friends stay in the same circumstances for long. Some will be single, some will have families, some will get divorced. There is an impulse in early life to cocoon, go all in on a marriage and family, but people need to talk, and hangout with the people who know them well, who you trust and enjoy time with.
Even when your friends are married with kids. It's hard to spend time together, unless your kids happen to make friends. Everyone has play dates, music lessons, day camps, gymnastics, swimming lessons etc. The chance that these are with your friends is low. So you see each other when you can. I'm hoping to grab a beer with 2 friends (30 year friends) because our kids will all be in bed and Sunday night is our only free night.
i’m 15 and still don’t know
You can make friends with me I moved out of the city hard. I live in the wilderness in an RV so you know, perspectives from A Different World. M40
Move to Montreal
Meetup.
If you're in a decent sized area there will be a lot of different groups for different hobbies. They're usually free. I was able to join a newer group and that really helped me integrate well into it. You can also start a group for like $200/yr.
Meetup.com helped me
Bumble bff works in some areas sadly I only match with people 30-45 minutes away and don’t want to commute so much for new friendships but I imagine with different towns better luck, I’ve found talking to strangers is cool sometimes if you work in nice environment that can be good place start but that can be tricky too
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Hello where are you from
Meetups. Meme groups. Play in a band and chat it up with everyone that seems cool about your music. Invite your friends out to to go to the movies and tell them to bring a friend, your mutual friend May turn into a “friend” friend.
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You have to find a place where you can connect with people REGULARLY. So it would be places like: where you work, where you live, an exercise class, a hobby/interest club, a professional group, an adult recreational sports team, a political action group, volunteer work (focused more on younger people), adult ed classes, volunteer behind the scenes for local community theater, etc.
The key is to strike up REGULAR short conversations and develop a rapport over a period of weeks/months. Then if things are going well you INVITE the person to do something with you outside the place where you know them from. That's how it starts!
Also, one single 30-something will know others.