Losing my husband to cycling

This is a pretty common thing. Cycling seems to be a hobby that takes over lives. My old boss at a bar was a cyclist. His cyclist friends would come in and they all were obsessed with it.

Every vacation my boss took was based around cycling. He broke up with his old girlfriend because she was upset about how much he cycled. His new girlfriend had the obsession with him so they worked.

My ex husband started cycling about 2 years into our marriage. I knew we were doomed when he left me with a 6 week old baby to go on a weeklong bike ride. It was downhill from there. :-(

There are certainly plenty of women in the parenting subs whose partners go even deeper into their hobbies to avoid childcare. That doesn’t mean yours would, but if he’s not spending time with you, then probably.

I think it’s admirable you have tried to join his hobby so you can spend more time together. 4x a week for several hours on top of (what I assume) a full time job - that doesn’t leave much 1:1 time.

I recommend trying to find your group of people who enjoy doing what you do. So at least you have someone to share the things you like.

You’ll, unfortunately, find your answer if you start to drift apart and he makes no effort to spend more time together? If you don’t miss each other, it’s not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship.

Hopefully this is something you can talk to him about before it gets to that point. Let him know you love spending time together, doing outdoorsy things but have other needs and interests as well. I hope he hears you and can adjust the schedule.

This is a big potential problem and I say this as someone who was a serious cyclist, but not competitive, for years. No matter what hobbies or even professions you choose, you need balance in your life. I don't cycle as much as I used to for a variety of reasons but when I did and I also had to manage having young kids, I always worked with my wife to come up with a schedule that worked for everybody. And that started even before the kids were doing more time-consuming things like sports.

I never fit this mold, but I do know a number of people who actually got what you might say "addicted" to exercising and working out. It produces a bigger endorphine rush for some people than others and those on the high side can border on being addicted to exercising sometimes.

And you're right to be concerned about kids with someone that has this kind of approach. Once you have kids, your life is forever different. There's a lot of great things about having kids, I'm just saying you have to consider them in everything until they become adults.

My ex husband was addicted to cycling, running and exercise in general, to the point that he was useless as a partner and definitely as a parent. He would go to the gym or go out on a run or ride, turn off his phone, and render himself unreachable for hours each day, walking in right at dinner time to throw his exercise gear on the kitchen counter. He made a good living so he thought this was just fine. But I left him eventually. It’s no way to live.

My partner is also borderline obsessive about cycling; taking 3 or 4 hour rides almost everyday, but I'm grateful for that.

We both work from home, so it's nice to get a bit of alone time where I can practice my instrument, listen to music in my first language (he doesn't speak it) or just lounge around and reset.

I also enjoy that he cycles on our trips: I take that time to go see exhibits he's not interested in or explore the place by foot. Afterwards, we catch up and share what we saw and experienced.

HOWEVER, our situation is clearly different from yours, so I'd like to add my mom's experience. My dad worked a very stressful job and took up long distance running to blow off steam. Soon it became an obsession, with him constantly training and running when he wasn't at work.

The kicker is that they had two small kids. My mom also worked full-time, but would essentially have a second shift as a single parent in the evenings while he was out running.

She grew resentful, and we certainly picked up that our dad would rather run than spend time with us.

The cycling is half as concerning as the complete disinterest and in what you want to do

It’s very possible to be into cycling and not obsess. I just do one, max two rides a week, and I usually leave before they’re awake anyway so I only miss out on a couple hours with the family at the most.

I have noticed that cycling seems to be something that people do obsess over though. I just do it because it’s the least terrible form of cardio. Maybe it’s good I don’t enjoy it more.

Anyway, it could be cycling, DND, bowling, the specific thing doesn’t matter, the fact that he isn’t present with you is. He needs to fit his hobby into his life, not the other way around. It’s best to have this conversation directly, now.

Yep, I lost a 40yr marriage due to cycling addiction……. Well in fact, it’s more a symptom of the narcisism of the rider I believe. Their wants are just so much more important than anyone elses. If it wasn’t cycling, it would be something else. Dump him and move on.

Dude sounds addicted. Even something healthy can go too far.

like the saying goes, "i like my wife, but i love my bicycle"

So when you spoke to him about this, what did he say?

To me that is a bit much. He is spending 15+ hours a week on a "hobby". I have several hobbies but nothing is taking away that much time away.

No matter the hobby of your partner isn’t curious about your inner world and interests this isnt good. That’s not to say they participate in all your interests or participate all the time BUT it is to say you need to look for reciprocation of interest in you as an individual.

Search Gottman Institute

Seems like if he is not willing to do some activities with you for you, then why would he be willing to do that for your kids?

I've always maintained that cyclers and runners are fucking crazy. They become obsessed with it and will do it no matter what.

I'm retired and have exactly the same issue. I fucking hate cycling. The only positive is that it's not golf. I grew up in a family of golfers and couldn't stomach that.

Honestly I would think long and hard about having kids with this guy. Mine didn't take up cycling till after the kids were grown. I wouldn't have had kids with him if he had because I would essentially be a single mother.

If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. I suggest talking to him about it if you haven’t already. He needs to know that you need to feel chosen to spend time with, and not just because it’s a time of day that he can’t cycle. I’m assuming he’s ignoring his household duties while he’s out cycling 4 days a week. If you want to start a war, I suggest you fill your time with a hobby as well and ignore your household tasks. If it’s okay for him, why not for you?

hey OP: I hope this doesn't upset you but I'm reading more into this than some others. I've seen this happen to two couples that I know - husband gets biking obsessed; he starts to look physically amazing; she starts to resent the excessive time apart; both couples broke up. Just letting you know there could be various reasons for the obsession. No offense intended...

Just want to let you know.. I was really into cycling, my wife also started to get into it in our mid 20s we were cycling together a lot. Weekly rides, a couple centuries each year.

After our daughter was born around 30, we still rode together semi regularly. She had her exercise regimen and I would still get on the bike a couple times a week. But not super long rides.

When our second kid was born, it was actually around the same time I bought her a new upgraded Bianchi as a surprise. Turned out she never had time to ride anymore. I cut back my riding a LOT and if I wanted to get out I could run with the kids in the jogger stroller.

Life changed but that's fuckin life. He can deal.

If he's going to prioritize the bike, he's not worth it. Maybe he's a good guy but let him go, and if it has a *come to Jesus" moment he will come back to you and realize he's a fuckin dumbass. Figure this out before you have kids together and not after.

It's time for a discussion about moderation. Any hobby, practiced in excess, can be harmful to a relationship. I suggest communicating in terms of your needs, rather than criticizing the time he spends cycling. If you want to frame it in terms of kids and the commitment that requires, you can generally raise that issue. But, I doubt any non-parents have an appreciation for the time requirement until they are truly in the trenches (and all kids are different with their ability to sleep through the night, entertain themselves at times, etc).

If he refuses to communicate with you, then that should be the most immediate concern; not the cycling. You may have to get a marriage counselor involved at that point.

Ultimately, the compromise will likely be some agreed amount of time that he can take for himself to cycle, but that will have to be further revised if you have children (and you should come to terms on that sooner, rather than later, too).

Anyone who is obsessed with anything to the point that they can’t appreciate and devote time to other things is a fucking bore who should be single or with someone else who shares their freak. (And god help them if that person becomes injured, etc).

I’m a serious scuba diver and snowboard but goddamn, I also want to go to museums and restaurants and concerts.

Obsessions are childish and selfish.

What has he said when you bring this up to him? 

My husband does a different sport than cycling, I'm not going to say what it is because it's pretty unique and I like to stay anonymous on here. He trains for about 2 hours maybe 4 days a week. He also drives across the country for competitions numerous times during the year, where he is gone for a long weekend, sometimes more than once a month during certain times. He also drives an hour or two to friends' houses to train with them a couple of times a month and is gone all day. So he puts significant time into his sport. And like your husband, he spends lots of money on gear.

However, he is a loving and present father and husband. We have a 16 year old son, and while my son and I don't get as much of his time as other people might get with their husband/dad, he does carve out time for us. Even though my husband doesn't like video games, he will do a video game tournament with our son, or he will take me for a walk, even though I walk much more slowly than he does. I do wish we had a little more time together, but in my case, I feel like he really needs this to stay sane. There are other factors that influence the situation as well that I'm not going to get into, but in our case, the situation feels fair and works acceptably.

I think what really matters here is that he's not taking your preferences into consideration, or showing that he cares about you. From your post, I feel like he is prioritizing cycling/exercising over you and your needs and wants.

I think you should have a straightforward discussion with him about this. Tell him that you guys need to find something that is mutually enjoyable to do together. It doesn't have to be a big activity or anything. We set a date night each week, and a lot of the time we just sit around smoking weed, watching movies, laughing and dancing around in the kitchen, etc. Sometimes we go out to dinner or something like that. The point is that we are making time to spend together enjoying each other's company. You guys need to be finding a way to do that, and if he is not open to finding something mutually enjoyable or at the very least taking turns choosing activities, y'all might need couples counseling.

Edit: I mentioned that our son is 16. When he was littler, my husband did have to scale down his activities somewhat. He watched a lot of videos of his sport during his downtime when our son was small, which was a way that he could stay engaged with the sport. He would still train some and go to a few competitions a year, but far less than he does now. When our son was a little older, like elementary to middle school age, and I was in better health than I am now, we would also accompany him to his competitions sometimes, which made it more of a family thing and fun rather than him just being away. Maybe you could cheer him on in a race or something with your kiddo if it ever gets to that point.

Wow that’s so bittersweet!! Crazy how a healthy thing can turn into addiction and ruin a relationship. I learn a lot on this sub

Wait till he finds swimming and then wants to do triathlons.

🤷

you just need to communicate your feelings with him that you can't keep up with his cycling and also need couple time that's tailored to you

My stepdad was really into cycling and it was one of the reasons my mum and him divorced. Mum would keep the household going, look after the kids and on the weekend if she wanted any time with him, tag along to wherever he was cycling and just hang out there until he was done.

She got fed up with it eventually because it also made him emotionally absent.

He remarried another woman and the latest thing we heard from his kids is that he left her alone on her birthday... To go cycling.

Sorry dude, that’s not your husband anymore. That’s Fred now. It’s best to move on.

Could be cover for an affair.

In my experience (and those on the infidelity subs and over at chump lady) a hobby that takes someone out if the house for long periods of time (golfing, cycling, hiking, rock climbing, gym) can be covers for an affair

Have you tried talking with him about it? He might be clueless about the ways this is stressing you and try to change if he understands what you're going through.

I recently started mountain biking. My reasoning had more to do with needing some form of exercise that I enjoy (desk job and hate gyms). I shoot for 3-4 rides per week, roughly 1-2 hours each. My wife often cooks dinner those nights. She wouldn't enjoy the technical sort of riding I do, but we try to do one short and easier ride together each week. On the other nights, when I dont ride, I come home earlier and start cooking dinner or cleaning the house before my wife gets home. Communication and compromise from both parties are key.

If my wife expressed dissatisfaction with that plan, we would reevaluate and find something that meets both of our needs. But I'm probably dense enough that I would have to be told, not just read the room. And I feel like she's comfortable telling me what's on her mind, so we try to address things like that before they blow up.

TL;DR: Talk with him. It'll go a lot further than talking with internet randos.

You need another boy friend

The issue is not the medium or the hobby, it’s your husband’s willingness to accommodate you.

This is an issue for many couples that takes many forms from either side of the partnership. Communication is key. Let him know how you feel without attacking him or his hobby. Communicate your needs and interests. He needs to be considerate and accommodating. If he cannot set aside time for y’all and your interests then there are even bigger issues looming.

You have to talk to him about it. Try to come up with a solution where you go on date nights twice/month. Dinner and a movie. Something like that.

You probably need to talk with him to find a balance that works for you. If he prioritizes cycling too much you'll get resentful. If you issue ultimatums and push him to quit completely, he'll become resentful.

Yeah I wouldn’t have kids with this guy, he’ll never be around

Yeah ok, this really isn't a cycling problem but a priority and respect problem. Your partner needs to show you that you and your needs are important, just like you show him that his are. Please don't bend over backwards for a man, especially if he doesn't show he actually cares. This is a relationship. And god forbid you have a child with someone who is so self focused - people usually show you who they are, don't convince yourself otherwhise. It's time for a serious conversation.

Don't have kids with him!

He doesn't sound like a husband he sounds like a friend who doesn't care about your other interests.

I like cycling, but i basically gave it up when I had a child.

Tell him how you feel about it. If he doesn't make time for you then you have to choose between staying with him which will most likely end in resentment over time or just accept youse aren't compatible and get a divorce. If he does make time for you then great!

head on over to r/bicyclecirclejerk to se what he will become. or buy a tandem.

so 8hrs/week and what, like $2k/yr cycling budget? I would argue that is normal hobby level stuff. maybe you should get a hobby to do alone too, it's healthy

I'm here as a father/husband/cyclist, in that order.

I was a lifelong cyclist first tho and my wife has always been very understanding of that. It's communication and compromise like anything in a relationship.

I get up at 5 am for most rides so that I'm not missing too much family time afterwords and I get a day pass on my birthday for a big boy ride.

I just rode my first race 2 weeks ago. I didn't do so hot time wise but rode my best on a tough track with a very competitive pack of riders.

I cried at the end as my family approached me with a big congrats balloon knowing how much they're my biggest fans and how much work it takes in a relationship.

we make it work tho, I'll do smaller rides during the week or ride to meet my family somewhere.

a lot of comments seem to hate on cycling in particular.

trust me, as a cyclist, we don't love cars when people are texting or aggressive drivers. I try to ride responsibly, make visual contact with drivers at an intersection, dress brightly and I communicate to other trail users when I'm behind them well in advance and pass appropriately.

there are shitty drivers just like there are shitty cyclists, try not to be either.

I can completely understand how OPs husband can become obsessed with cycling, it's like that iykyk but maybe talk to him about this instead of reddit.

My boyfriend is the same with golf but it is what it is , gotta let them enjoy things

My husband is also addicted to biking. It’s almost like a cult. They need to ride new places, ride in groups, talk about their rides, watch videos of riding, and hang out with other riders. He either goes all out, riding for hours every day and rarely skipping a day, or he gets mad that he can’t devote the time and gives up on it for a while. It’s a crappy pattern and I’m very tired of it.

I’m afraid the problem is not cycling. I am a 50yr old MTBer, pretty fit for my age. Two kids (13 and 15), a loving wife, I discovered MTB 3 years ago and I LOVE it. But I try to find a balance with my family needs. During the week I scratch my itch in the mornings, usually 2/3 times per week, I wake up at 6:45 and go for a short ride, I’m home at 8:30 and then start working from home. Weekends I do one big ride with friends, sometimes eat out with them, and that’s it. Wife doesn’t like cycling and neither do the kids, so I don’t force them to come with me.

Tell you what: find your own hobby and STOP spoiling your husband like that. Start hanging out with YOUR personal friends, do what YOU like and see if he’s as tolerant as he is with himself.

As far as midlife crises go, cycling addiction is one of the better ones

I would highly recommend you consider couple's counseling asap.

My story is that I fell into the cycling trap, riding 18-20 hours a week and it was only after my marriage fell apart that I started going to therapy & I realized my wife was constantly nagging because she felt unloved and ignored and I ran away from the nagging by riding more, which cued more nagging, which cued more time away, etc.

He needs to realize that his actions of being away for so many hours is affecting your relationship and determine whether he loves you or cycling more. For a while, I could say yes, I loved cycling more even though I could never admit / realize it.

Get an e-bike and come along for some of the rides? :)

But really it’s time for a more serious talk about how this is affecting you.

God. Fucking cyclists man. They can be "so extra". Tell him you feel like you're losing him. No one knows how long this will last, if it's a phase, but, sounds like a lil too much focus on cycling, ha

Is this a new hobby for him? Possible he's just going crazy with it cause it's a new and exciting thing and maybe he'll level out over time. The new group of friends can be part of it too, he's just having a blast with it right now so it's all he wants to do.

You were both individuals before you were a couple, in a few years you'll be begging him to go out with his friends for an afternoon.

Suggest an open relationship since he is already having an affair with his bike. You need companionship too.

I was almost like your husband and my, then wife, did not do much of anything. Lucky for her that I did not really identify with the cycling group where we lived. They were a bit too elitist for me. Because of that, I favored riding solo and not quite as much as compared to the group. My ex was such a "Debbie downer," we could not get along and split.

All is not lost for you and your husband though! He HAS to listen to you! Voice your feelings and concerns then go from there. I know how addictive cycling is. While it's not a drug. It can wreak havoc on a marriage when it is what everything revolves around. That's not fair to you and he should taper off if he wants to be your partner. It sounds like you are doing your part. Much respect! Good luck.

Is it road biking or mountain? 

How about you talk to him because he is your boyfriend?

What have you said to him?

Kids should be fine. He should have them on an intensive Olympic training programme by the time they are 2 or 3 so he'll spend loads of time with them.

Strap the baby on his back.

This dude seems chill and happy. Leave him alone. At least he’s not sitting in a computer chair playing video games 24/7 and gaining weight. I would love a husband that touched grass.

Sounds like you need more personal hobbies. Go do your own thing and he will probably try to invite himself along because you’re not giving him attention anymore.

Cycling has been an important part of my life for decades. I even met my wife at a cycling race. It’s gotten me through rough times and good times and it’s given me unforgettable moments, meaningful life lessons and deep friendships.

I have had periods of intense dedication and less intense dedication to cycling, but today I’m so glad I never stopped.

For example, before getting married I used to spend at least 2 or 3 hours per day training on the bike, I was part of a national level competitive team, and was racing at several events in the (road) cycling season. After getting married, my job and household responsibilities increased, so I automatically decreased the amount of time I spent on cycling and I left the team and stopped racing.

Then the kids came and I spent even less time riding. But I never stopped. It just meant I had to go out at 5AM before anyone was awake and keep my rides to 1 or 1.5 hours max so that my training wouldn’t take time away from being with my wife and kids.

Fast forward to about a decade later, kids have grown up enough that the time dedication needed for taking care of them is way less than when they were babies and after so many years I was able to get back into competitive cycling!

In the last 4 years I have been part of a local team and have been racing around 3 races per week in the peak cycling season and training every single day, and got back to my top fitness level which is such an advantage for my health and long term wellbeing.

For the last 2 or 3 years, my kids (8 and 9 y/o) started to get interested in serious cycling (as opposed to just riding their street bikes around the block), and we began riding together every week. They joined a cycling club with amazing instructors and enjoy all the learning, fun and healthy exercise they are getting out of it.

For them it builds self confidence, mental and physical strength, coordination, spatial awareness, a group of friends with a shared interest, cool experiences going to different towns around the country for races, and best of all: waaaay less time in front of the video game or tv. I don’t have any difficulty in limiting their screen time because they are actually interested in other activities which is hugely beneficial for them.

This got me so excited that last year I decided to take a course, go through an exam and get my own certification for being a youth cycling instructor and give back to this sport which has given me so much.

This now means that the time spent on the bike is also quality time spent with my kids (and sometimes a bunch of other kids too), that my decades of experience in training and racing are useful for the next generation, and my wife is quite happy that it strengthens the bonds between us as a family.

Cycling builds relationships, it builds community, it is part of a healthy lifestyle, and it’s a sport you can keep on practicing until old age with great health benefits such as a strong healthy heart and circulatory system, strong leg muscles, strong lungs and respiratory system.

That’s my story, I hope it can inspire others and give some perspective into what this beautiful sport means to those who are attracted to it.