Found out my new husband has a kid from 5 years ago. How do I proceed?

Please don't leap ahead with random people's advice on your marriage, because these comments are giving particularly bad advice based on little information and jumping to conclusions.

What you and the commenters don't know is that this child you've discovered is your husband's child, as the commenters are basing this on the child is, "a different race." We don't know how conclusive is this. Are they both Caucasian and the child appears to have African American in him, the same race as your husband? If so, that is still not conclusive, since she could have slept with another African American man. The only conclusive evidence is a paternity test. Perhaps it's the case that a paternity test was performed and showed that he is not the father. Next best thing would be the mother confirming who the father is.

As for him not being involved in this child's life if the child is his. There could be many good reasons for this. For example, he tried and was unable to gain any kind of custody, or he was lied to.

Your husband did not lie about his fertility because he's had baby scares. Doctor's told him his chance of having kids is slim. That means it's still possible to have children. How people here are concluding that that means he's a liar or trying to get women pregnant on purpose is pure speculation and absurd. My female friend was told by a Doctor that she likely would never have children. She has three boys now and is going to be a surrogate mother, but if you asked people commenting here, my friend is a psychopathic liar and manipulator.

It certainly appears the way you've described it that your husband is careless or has unprotected sex with women he's involved with. He could also have been very unlucky with condoms or birth control, or even the women he's been with. If your husband was hurt by women he's been with, such as not allowing him to be in his child's life for example, that could be reason for him lying (if the child's his), and he needs help to build trust with you when it comes to areas in his life where he's been hurt. If this is the case it doesn't excuse him, but we are fallible beings, and people online are far too unforgiving and quick to judgment. Speaking as a married man, trust is vital to a marriage, and it is built over time. That doesn't mean if your spouse falters that you drop them like a hot potato. I'm also not advocating for you to be with him no matter what he does or has done.

I married my wife after half a year of being together. No child yet. I also had a baby scare with a woman a few years previously to meeting my wife. That woman was an extremely traumatized individual and because of that was toxic and abusive to deal with. She lied about being on the pill when we had sex, and I quickly broke things off with her because of her abusive behaviour. Months later she contacted me via FB messenger to apologize, her profile photo showed she was pregnant, and I asked her if I was the father. She told me that she didn't know because she slept with her abusive ex-husband when I stopped seeing her. I asked if she would do a prenatal paternity test that I would pay for, she said yes. When the time came to take the test, she found some excuse not to do it by saying that I was like her abusive ex because I asked her where she was when she didn't show up to the appointment after a half hour past the agreed upon time. I'm not exaggerating or leaving anything out there. I couldn't reason with her, and she was once again abusive, so I broke off contact with her until a month before the due date. I was getting ready to get a lawyer involved to get a court ordered paternity test, and I tried reasoning with her one more time before I made that step. I conceded to everything she said, took all the blame that I justly deserved and didn't deserve. I swallowed my pride to get the test done. She agreed to do the test, and we got it done in time for me to find out a day before she gave birth that I am not the father. I took the day off and took it all in before I would tell her the next day. The next day, she had had the baby during the night, and she said that the baby looks like me... An absurd remark to make about a day-old baby. I sent her the paternity results and left it at that. During this whole ordeal I didn't tell anyone except one friend that I felt I could tell and could help guide my actions. It took a lot of work on myself to get to the point that I could share the experience with others, most importantly with my family. It was the most gut-wrenching, spirit crushing experience of my life. I felt so much shame for being stupid by not using a condom and trusting her. I wanted to do the right thing, I wanted to know if this was going to be my child, and this woman refused me until I gave up all pride, and showed nothing but humility. I'm not claiming I acted perfect every step of the way, but I sure as hell tried despite my failings. I never wanted to be like her, to say nasty things to bring her down as she did to me, even though I very much felt like doing so, and I am thankful that I never did.

Because I worked on myself and got to the point where I could share it with others before I met my wife, it was never something I kept from my wife. Had I met her while, or before I started working on that experience, who knows when I would've told her? It wouldn't have made me a bad husband if I told after we were married, or if I never did. I would be wrong if she asked me if I had ever had a baby scare and I said no. Still wouldn't make me a bad person or someone she needs to leave if I did.

My advice is a couple options for you. It is certainly worth checking out this mother and child. First option, you could come to your husband with this discovery and how you are doing with it, making a point of the importance of you needing to know the truth, you needing to trust him, giving him the space to share his past failings. Maybe let him know that if he's not ready to talk about it yet that you can give him some time, how much time is up to you, though I certainly would want this cleared up before giving birth if I was you. If he says it nothing and that you're being paranoid, if he turns it around on you and doesn't acknowledge how difficult this is for you, that would raise a red flag for me.

A second option is to contact the mother and ask her if she knows if your husband is the father or not. Asking if a paternity test was done would depend on her answer, or you could ask in your initial query to her. Not knowing what kind of relationship you have with your husband, means I don't know if your husband would consider this going behind his back and a display of a lack of trust on your part. I can only give you options, only you know best what to do and no one else.

More than anything, I can't stress enough that you should share this with someone you can trust, ideally someone close to you that isn't going to act on your behalf without your permission. If you don't have that kind of person in your life, I'd suggest a therapist or a councillor that will keep what you share confidential. You need to talk to someone that has wisdom.

You are married to this man and pregnant with his child. How you proceed is important for your family's future. Your child is the most important being in your life, do what's best for them. May you find peace, calmness, courage, strength, and clear guidance during this time in your life.

To the majority of the comments in this thread. You are far too confident in your advice on how a pregnant woman should proceed with her marriage based on little information. It may very well be the case that he is all these things many of you claim that he is, but you give reckless advice with zero doubts to a woman that needs a far more level-headed piece of advice.