Something happened (house got robbed) and I am not sure my F43 emotional reaction is sane? Am I making a mountain out of my BFF F42 lack of care? Sanity slap required.

We’ve been friends for 20ish years.

Me: recently adhd diagnosed (4 months? 5 months?), ‘high functioning’, on meds, and learning to ‘deal’

BFF: not diagnosed, but also clearly adhd and high functioning

My house/home office was broken into last Thursday evening and I only discovered it on Friday morning. Since then there have been daily tasks dealing with the insurance / security / cops. This is unfortunate but a reality of the country I live in and although this is the first time for me, yes it’s a bit shit all round.

I am single and not in a relationship. I have been there for my BFF’s pre marriage, marriage, kids, pre divorce, divorce process, post divorce. I can honestly say I have sat through and have been present for a LOT of her drama.

She was away with her kids Thurs/Friday, got back into town Saturday. The last time we spoke was Saturday afternoon, she was bored and outside having a drink while the kids gamed. She wanted to go for lunch Sunday (once the kids went to their dad). I did not. I did not want to go out in public nor leave the house and I said I would prefer to do a small lunch at my place. It has been radio silent from her since aside from a pic of wherever she was on Sunday, lunching.

Granted, I have not reached out either.

I have been crying on and off since Sunday. I am not sure if it is a delayed reaction to the break-in. Every time I start crying it is because of how hurt I feel by not having my BFF actually show up to my rare crisis and it has completely made me reevaluate my friendship. I am SO hurt.

But because of this damn adhd I don’t know if I am blowing this out of proportion or if this is real. The one thought I had this afternoon was, my crisis is not an emergency for her. And that cut deep.

I missed a call from her earlier (on purpose) because I don’t actually know what to say. It’s Wednesday so she must have her kids back.

in relationship_adviceby TboneRoyale

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UsuallyWrite2

I’m sorry that happened to you.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at about your age. Prior to that for most of my life, I’ve been told I “just” have anxiety and depression. The idea of doing all that paperwork and cleanup sounds really overwhelming to me and I’m now medicated and have better tools.

I think anyone would be upset and overwhelmed though. I don’t think it’s just ADHD. But as women, with late diagnosis, I think we often have gotten used to helping others to avoid doing for ourselves (good distraction!) and don’t ask for help.

Like I’m super struggling but I’m there for friends and do my volunteer work INSTEAD of things I should be doing.

Either your friend really didn’t understand how upsetting this was for your OR she’s a user and doesn’t care. Only you can know for sure.

But it sounds like she has in fact reached out and now you’re in what I call “turtle mode” and avoiding .

TboneRoyale

hahaha yes I think you are right, I'm now < “turtle mode” and avoiding > with these walls of mine

Logical_Bobcat9703

This is traumatic for you. Whether or not you’re overreacting is irrelevant. I don’t think you are overreacting. The fact that someone broke into your home, which is supposed to be your safe space, is scary especially if you live alone. While you’re in the thick of taking care of all the things concerning the robbery, you might want to get a camera and an extra lock or a new lock. As for your BFF, she’s not being very BFF-ish. Next time she calls I would let her know how you feel. Maybe practice what you’re going to say so you can get your point across without shouting. Maybe start by asking her why she never responded to your request for lunch at your place. Tell her you have been shaken up since the break in and could really use a friend right now.

crankysoutherner

A little over two years ago, a man with a gun broke into our home while my wife and son were at home because he was running from the police. Luckily my wife and son were able to get out of the house quickly, but the guy caused some damage to our home and ended up having an hours-long stand off with police in our garage, eventually hiding in my wife's car.

Our friends were very kind and bought us a care package of food and left it on our front porch. However, none of them understood how this affected us emotionally. They didn't know how to talk to us about it, so after a few quick questions, they would change topics.

They didn't know how to respond when they learned my son was having panic attacks and that the sound of his mother's scream (something he had never heard before) kept ringing in his ears. They didn't know what to say to my wife when they found out she didn't want to drive her car for a while because the guy had been inside it. No one knew how I struggled with guilt because I wasn't home at the time of the break in. (I work from home, but this was a rare day when I needed to be at an in-person event across town.) No one understood how deeply it affected my daughter when she had a breakdown at school because the student grapevine picked up that something major had happened at our home but no one knew what and she didn't know why I was coming to get her from school when it would normally be her brother who drove her home.

We didn't fault our friends for not getting it. It's not something that's easy to understand unless you've lived through it.

TboneRoyale

I am so so so sorry to hear what happened to you and your family. I am fortunate that I have not personally experienced anything remotely close to this level of violence. My father was held hostage? captive? for over 9 hours (out of the house) and the years of PTSD afterwards nearly tore our family apart.

I highly recommend any form counselling. Unfortunately I live in a country where everyone I know has multiple stories about shit that has happened so we are can sometimes be 'blasé' about it and we openly talk about this type of stuff. My other friends that I have told have been very understanding and helpful with advice. My particular gribe is the one I actually expect to show up, hasn't,

crankysoutherner

I think most of us are past it at this point, with a few idiosyncrasies. My son can't stand to hear anyone scream now. My daughter insists on being kept informed about everything that is happening all the time. My wife and I are definitely more diligent about keeping the doors to our house locked during the day. (We used to only lock them at night.)

TboneRoyale

Your daughter sounds like one of my sisters. It got a little out of hand in her late 20's but I think eventually she realised life is chaos and there is literally no way to have any control and to just roll with it (if at all possible) without freaking out too much.

emilynghiem

Yes you likely have shock and PTSD. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. You may hit anger or helpless feelings or get triggered by people. There are crime victim advocacy groups and some can help with financial restitution or help if you are in need after this emergency. It is natural to go through stages of reaction due to this unnatural shock to your system and feeling of being betrayed, violated, unsafe and isolated. Just forgive these stages and you will get through them faster. It's similar to 5 stages of grief and healing and recovery from abuse