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My (30F) husband (31M) just took his buddies to our couple’s getaway when I refused to come, because he called me ungrateful for pointing out how unfair the expectation of “mental load” is on women. How do I make things right?
I don’t call my husband a hundred times in a year, let alone one weekend. As a wife and mother, I do understand mental load, but I also understand how important it is that both my husband and I feel valued and appreciated for what we each contribute to the marriage. It sounds like neither of you honestly feel that way, which breeds resentment and will eventually lead to one or both of you emotionally checking out.
You bailed on the weekend and he made the best of it. What was he supposed to do? If things had been going well between you, then your words were poorly chosen and likely came across to him as harping. Maybe refusing to attend the trip was not the best way to help him understand what you feel. Instead, it may have caused a bigger disconnect between you.
As someone who's been married 25 years this August
This is the comment right here..
You caused this yourself by telling him you don’t want to go over something extremely petty. He might have got the wrong impression and got defensive but it sounds like he’s just tired of hearing you be a victim about this whole mental load thing and sick of hearing about it and reacted in an instant. It didn’t exactly warrant you cancelling the trip. And the fact that you cancelled and now want him to react or not be ‘indifferent’ shows that you absolutely were trying to manipulate him to react or back down.
I usually side with women in these conflicts, but I can't in this case.
It seems like you have a martyr complex which you disguise with the concept of "mental load," and you have made this your whole personality to the point where your husband is sick of hearing about it. I mean, seriously, finding something to talk about during dinner is mental labor for you? Are you kidding me?
Yes, your husband needs to pull his weight. I'm glad you went to counseling, and he eventually saw (with your help) what he needed to do to be an equal partner. I think you could have saved yourselves some money and sat down with him to make a chore chart, but you do you.
But you've taken it to the point where talking to him is a mental load and worrying about your cousin's mental load is a mental load for you. Your husband was fed up with you feeling overburdened by merely existing as human being in a relationship and feeling like having compassion for others and connecting with others is labor for you. I would have been fed up, too.
You were so upset by his reaction that you decided you were not going to participate in your long-planned getaway. You say it's because you didn't want to be around your husband just then. Well then he did you a favor by getting out of town for the weekend! You didn't want to go and you didn't want to be around him. So why are you mad at him for giving you space!?
You sound exhausting.
I mean, seriously, finding something to talk about during dinner is mental labor for you?
I think she was referring to her cousin, saying it’s mental labor to plan how to address the domestic inequity in a relationship which her cousin was currently having to do.
You sound exhausting. I hope he had a good time.
I,as a man, absolutely believe in the mental load. Any supervisor or manager knows what the term mental load means. It is simple the mental process to manage a project l, whether is build a building or run a a family. That said, you may have pushed him too far. Sometimes it’s best to take the win, without pushing too hard.
Was it your cousin or your sister? How did you decide?
Sorry, but all this seems fabricated. Regardless, you sound exhausting. And this is coming from a diehard feminist.
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5d
Told my wife years ago the first time I see a honey do list I'd leave her.
She never understood how horrible that shit was till she starting spending more time with one of her friends who has her husband working every weekend on one house project or another. She always says how bad she feels for him. The guy can't even get one weekend to just sit and do nothing. His wife always has to plan every little thing even their rest day activities... atleast she doesn't call it a mental load and knows she is neurotic as hell
I mean, there’s no need for your wife to write honey do lists if you pull your weight around the house. The stress comes from doing all the work unless you micromanage your partner into doing some of it. If you’d be upset about her vocalizing stress about that, maybe you should reevaluate your marriage.
You seem like a lot. I’m a woman, and I was rolling my eyes at your “mental load” lecture. Please don’t try to force your beliefs on your cousin - you won’t be doing her a favor. Your husband made the best of a weekend you decided not to participate in. That’s a problem of your own creation. Sorry, but I just don’t feel bad for you.
Despite most of the comments saying the same thing, it’s doubtful you’ll change your ways. I am so grateful in this moment to have a partner that shares my values. You two are way way off.
Um, you’re a sexist person. Lots of couples share mental load in lots of ways and either partner can carry whatever part of it they do.
TikTok/Instagram spreading pseudo therapy speak will be the destruction of many marriages.
Here is thing thing about "mental load". It's fake. It's not real. It's the belief that only the woman's mental stress, worries, and fears are valid while assuming men live in some blissful state of ignorance as their wives shoulder the real burden of the family.
That is absolute garbage.
You need to get into individual and couples therapy now. I doubt it will be even remotely helpful but its better then imploding your marriage like this.
OP you seem to have forgotten you and your husband are a team, you two against the world. Not you against your husband. And whatever shit YOU are going through he is going through his own mental battles. Only difference being he isn't blaming you for what he is suffering...
You've made your husband your enemy. You wanna fix your marriage? Fix that mindset first.
CMV: "Mental load" is neurotic nonsense unless you have kids and the father isn't helping out. But then that doesn't have a special name, it is just called child care.
You also don't really hear this if the bf is regularly taking you out on dates.
That's what I was thinking. "Mental load" most people just call that "Parenting".
Mega dittos..! this is exactly right.
Your husband has a very valid point men in relationships often have a different load to carry. Just as an example (may not be specific to your relationship) many men feel immense pressure to provide financially for their family. To be a truly good partner you need to acknowledge that you both bring important things to the relationship.
I heard this great advice a few years ago. People often think a good relationship is a 50/50 proposition. If, however, both partners instead focus on giving 60% and taking just 40%, the relationship has an overwhelming chance of being successful.
Yikes. You're insufferable and this is coming from a militant feminist. You call it "mental load" but you don't even have anyone to take care of. Who did you complain about "mental load" to when you were single? Did you have trouble taking care of yourself then, too?
You both need marriage counselling asap if you want your relationship to last
Did you help him pack, make sure he had enough of the right clothes, toothpaste, hairbrush, all his grooming stuff? That he had enough socks and shoes, that he'd brought his share of the food and the right types of food, made sure the vehicle was inspected and ready to go, that he had the code to get into the BnB and knew the dates and times? Is he USED to taking full responsibility for himself and double-checking on all the supplies?
No?
Guaranteed he's already run into problems if he was expecting you to go. Sit back and enjoy the time off. Next year, feel free to invite the wives to something with you and have them leave a day earlier ;) Not a problem for guys like my husband, he'd be fine, but I bet the others would struggle.
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