Banned my wife (26F) from cooking for me (26M). She’s sour about it but I’ll stick to my guns about her problematic behaviour. How do I get her to understand why am I doing this in a way she understands?

Wife and I (both 26) have been married for a year. We haven’t lived together before (in our culture people don’t live in before marriage) so we are still adjusting to this new married life.

We’ve had our ups and downs but are mostly compatible. I love her and things are good. Except the fact when it comes to acknowledging our problems when apologising.

For context, I’ll give an example. Few days ago, we were both grocery shopping. She was constantly egging me to try pesto pasta I’ve never had before because I had a bad experience with pesto sauce (hated the taste) but I’ve got no problems if she wants to try cooking that at home. I know she didn’t mean any harm, but she was pestering me. And it annoyed me. She questioned if I knew about what ingredients you put in that sauce. I then brought up an instance when she put chicken broth in one of the dishes she had made before, without my consent, knowing I hate store bought chicken broth and have communicated with her several times to let me know first. It’s the breach of trust that hurt me. Her mood visibly shifted when I brought that up, and she said in an audible voice (people around us could hear it) “Do you enjoy making me feel bad?”

This is particularly important because her putting things in my food has been a pattern of behaviour that she never takes seriously. I’ve told her before how it feels violating that she put oyester sauce in my noodles because I hate seafood and she still went ahead and did it. This is really hurtful because now I think twice before letting her cook anything for me.

She also has this bad habit of pestering me to try things I never want to try. It feels like my “no” is not good enough for her. And she does it every single time

I stopped talking to her and texted her we will have this conversation at home and I’m not interested in having a public scene after she just embarrassed me because she couldn’t contain herself.

At home, we discussed things through and I apologised for my tone and harshness, but even when I shared how violating her overbearing behaviour sometimes feels, she didn’t apologise and simply said I forgive you I love you.

When I brought attention to the fact that I was hurt too, she used the catch all “I’m sorry but” is not an apology. I felt stumped after that.

I want her to acknowledge her faults too. And when I apologise, I want to address her problematic behaviours as well. This leaves me pretty bothered and with the echo chamber Reddit can sometimes be, she has ingrained it in her mind that words like “but” “although” or wanting her to ask for forgiveness for how she acts completely invalidates my apology.

She sometimes cooks for both of us, and sometimes I cook. It’s not like she’s expected to do that for me. But now, I never let her cook. I’ve practically banned her from doing so.

Had she owned up to her mistakes or told me she’s sorry for never taking my concerns seriously, I may have given her a chance. But the fact that she doesn’t see toxicity in her own actions makes me never want to share meals with her.

This clearly has an effect on her and she gets very sour about it. She asked me why I don’t trust her, that she’s my wife and I’m being too stuck up about things. I lost my cool and told her that calling my apology a non-apology because I expected her to apologise too when we both made mistakes, feels like a catch-all for her to avoid taking accountability for her problematic behaviours. Things would’ve been different if she never told me I was wrong for seeking a heartfelt apology from her too. Maybe I would’ve been more trusting.

EDIT: By banning her from cooking, I only mean that I don’t let her cook for ME. She gets to cook for herself anything she wants.

I mostly eat vegetarian food that’s why her adding things without asking feels violating. If I have to eat chicken, I’d eat whole meat. I have a strong dislike for meat derivatives. I’m from a region in India where people mostly eat vegetarian food. The only time I ever ate meat was outside of the house, either at a trusted food stall that my dad used to take me to, or at a friend’s place where you don’t get exotic ingredients like seafood and gelatin or what not.

For dishes like pasta and noodles, in my opinion, don’t need chicken broth and I prefer these dishes to be vegetarian and she knows that

Look, I’m saying I am vegetarian. I said that I EAT mostly vegetarian food. I was never exposed to a variety of foods as a child growing up. My mom and my grandparents who I used to live with were vegetarians. And I only ate non-veg with my dad. And that too only chicken curries, such as butter chicken or Indian dishes such as grilled chicken.

I hate non-veg pasta and noodles. Something about meaty/eggy smells/textures/flavours outside of curries and straight up meat makes me want to puke

in relationship_adviceby throwrafoodwife

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giraffeperv

Late 20s Female

Except he’s never going to cook her a meal that has what she wants. It’s a “violation of trust” for her to not make his food to his standard, but it’s okay for him to make the meals the way HE wants, and if she wants something else she has to make it herself. This turns into “I’m just not going to waste the time/money on a meal for just me.” And now you all want to give him a gold star for not lifting a finger to cook for her unless she wants his plain child food.

aberrantname

It’s a “violation of trust” for her to not make his food to his standard, but it’s okay for him to make the meals the way HE wants, and if she wants something else she has to make it herself.

Yeah that's how that works. If she wants to eat a different thing, she can make it herself. And if he wants to eat a different thing, he can make it himself.

I’m just not going to waste the time/money on a meal for just me.”

That's what he's doing tho, he is making a meal just for himself.

she wants his plain child food.

It's just vegeterian food, y'all are so dramatic.

giraffeperv

Late 20s Female

He’s not vegetarian and I don’t understand why y’all can’t grasp that. You don’t seem to understand what it means to be cooking 2 different meals every single time.

aberrantname

OP explained that it's cultural. He doesn't eat meat except chicken and when he does eat chicken he doesn't want it processed.

They don't have to make 2 different meals every time, just when she's making something he doesn't want OR when he's making something she doesn't like. They can rotate and come to an agreement about when they'll make what. They just need clear communication.

Except that went out the window because she won't tell him what's in the food that she's making.

giraffeperv

Late 20s Female

I guess it was probably just harder for OP to explain that since English is not his first language, but I had the idea that he only cooked what he likes & she will only sometimes add stuff he doesn’t like. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.