A while ago, my fiancé and I discussed how we would go about me changing my last name once we get married. He really wants me to have his last name as it is the traditional thing to do and he wants us as a family to share the same name (which I understand). My entire life, I’ve always known I don’t want to change my name because I love my name, my family’s history, and it feels like a big part of myself and who I am. It’s taken a long time for me to accept who I am, and my last name feels like a part of me I don’t want to change. As a middle ground, we decided I would hyphenate my last name. He will not change his last name because he thinks socially it looks weird and he’s all about keeping with the norm (if it weren’t for the social aspect he would have done it). It’s getting closer to our wedding now, and I still wish I could just keep my last name rather than change it, but I will for him. I’m in medical school becoming a doctor, and being called doctor “my last name” has been a dream of mine. My last name is also unique and distinguishes me from other doctors; he has a very common last name. I know if I hyphenate I can still be called doctor “my last name”, but I do wish I could just keep my last name by itself. Should I just accept this and accept the middle-ground decision we made? Even if I end up not liking it in the future?
Edit: I think a lot of comments are seeing him negatively out of proportion because of this one thing. He’s had to make compromises for me throughout our relationship as well. For example, I can’t travel much in medical school and we live in different cities, almost every weekend he’d drive down to see me. I don’t know where I’m going to match into residency, and he’s going to follow me wherever I go. He didn’t care to have a big wedding but is doing so because I wanted to. He’s moving in with me after the wedding even though it probably would’ve been better for him to stay at his current job. He’s not religious but I am and he is very respectful of my religions traditions. He’s always been very accommodating and understanding of my school situation, and is extremely supportive. We have a great relationship for over 5.5 years, and this last name situation is really the first fundamental difference we have had (which is why this situation has me confused). I’ve always told myself growing up I’d never wanna change my name, but I also love him very much and he’s been nothing but kind to me so wouldn’t want to hurt him either.
About the kids situation: when we talked about me hyphenating my name, I said it was perfectly fine for the kids (if we have any) to take his last name. And if I hyphenated, he isnt going to hyphenate his.
About his desires: I’m not 100% sure if there’s more reasoning behind why he wants me to take his name so badly. The social norms thing was a big topic in our conversation, but he seemed a bit sad and hurt about the idea of us not having the same name. So I believe it stems in us joining as one under marriage. The last few times we discussed this it got a bit heated I think bc we were both strong in our beliefs, but I definitely need to talk to him more about it.
About if this is a deal breaker: I know for a fact that this is not a deal breaker as he mentioned it wasn’t when we were deciding if I hyphenate my name. When I said yes to hyphenating my name, I did so for his sake bc I felt bad, but deep down I know I would prefer to keep my name. If I stuck my ground he would look the other way and try to get over it. I’d just feel bad for making him feel that way, and I’m unsure if he’d hold any resentment.
About using his last name socially: I am completely fine with people calling me his last name socially and around family, with me keeping my name legally. I believe I brought this up when we spoke about it (at least 4-5 months ago), but he didn’t think it solved anything I believe he wants it legally changed to be officially under one family name.
Follow up Q: We’re getting married rlly soon and going on our honeymoon immediately after. He’s been stressed with the planning and his family and I don’t want to make it worse and ruin our enjoyment. Should I tell him my concerns now before the wedding, or wait after everything’s died down?