Is my boyfriend (29M) very jealous or am i (25F) insane?

I (25F) am still in a relationship (but boy it's on thin ice) with my boyfriend (29M), going for the past 8 months. And he is an extremely jealous person, from my understanding it's because of a gf in 9th grade that cheated on him. And although I understand that can affect someone I don't think it's fair for me to be under a microscope, interrogated, and patrolled on so many social things in my life.

I know this isn't healthy, but I know the easiest way to make peace is not having friends, the one person I'm not patrolled on our conversations is my younger sister, because I guess that's the one person I wouldn't be able to cheat on him with so he feels more comfortable. But for the past 8 months although he says he is working on it the last 2 days tell me otherwise.

Like I said I barely talk to my friends to make peace for him, but one of my very old friends (11 years and running) was streaming 2 days ago and I decided to pop in and chat with old friends. But that's when the watching over my shoulder starts. Because according to him "my keyboard is annoying and loud" so he can't help it, same with my snapchat ringtone, it's like a dog to a doorbell. Anyways I chat with my friends how I believe is normal, anyone who is a girl/constantly online wouldn't look at my messages twice. But with him it's reading it 4 times and make up your own conclusion.

Later today I can make some screenshots of the chat examples but I'll sum it up here:

-made new friend in chat, seems like a girl and we were hitting off so I asked her sign.

According to him I'm flirting so it's cheating.

-we find out we have the same sign and I say "OMG SISTERS" The other person then responds "are we about to kiss right now?"

I DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS. Because I know if I banter and goof with it I will be crucified. But it does not matter because simply because they said that I'm flirting so I'm cheating.

-I say in chat my fav sex toy died, this new friend says theirs died too and gives me a recommendation for one, I do the same and recommend her one.

I'm talking about sex toys, I'm cheating. Does he know I use to work in a sex store for 2 years? Yep. Does it matter? Nope. Plus I think he doesn't understand lots of girls have no issues talking about sex toys to eachother. But he doesn't belive me.

- Another friend of mine (also 11+ years) copy pasted a copy pasta about the Fitness gram Test, we all know it. I respond with "I gotta pick that up next time I go out, wowie so handy!"

I'm cheating who am I meeting in town? Why would I say that if I'm not going to meet anyone. Only after about 4 minutes of explaining the joke and playing the audio it's from does he get it, he does apologize for this.

-some in chat joins streamers lobby, and types in chat to get in a call with them. ITS NOT TOWARDS ME

He is 100000% sure I'm on a call with someone I explain it's not to me but he does not comprehend and insists I'm getting in a call with this person.

I'm sure there's more, why I might try to find more screenshots to remember more.

Now here is a few examples I've had to deal with during these 8 months:

-Forgot sweater in my car.

Asks me about it because he thinks I did it with someone and forgot my sweater at their place. But how unbelievable is it that it was just hot so I took it off and forgot it in my car???

-I took too long doing groceries (20 extra minutes)

Did you meet someone? Why did it take so long?

-Told him there's a guy at the butcher shop that chatted with me and he seemed nice

Are you cheating on me with him? Why are you chatting with him? He insists this one was a joke but with all this I can't tell which is from which. So I don't buy it.

-I befriended someone in league (I know shush) and added them to my discord, only then did they realize I'm a girl from my pfp and they started sending me funky messages along with a screenshot from their insta. I don't even have insta. The only words I said were "Hi", "not interested".

I'm cheating, why am I seeking this attention? Why are you adding people on discord? I added them and got off the game and chilled in bed, but he insisted I was talking to that person. Even though the only message he could see I sent was the "Hi"

-I am an open book and let him look at anything on my phone, he knows my password I have nothing to hide. Insists I delete messages.

Super cool.

I refuse to let my friends go, I've known these people for 11+ years, I've never dated them never have never will. Why would I try now after 11 years?? None of them even live near me. I live in Canada the rest in U.S or the UK.

We almost nearly broke up last night, I gave him the ultimatum to really work on his jealousy, if I see no results in a month I'm gone. He gets upset saying I'm not trying to work on us. That I care about my friends more and don't love him. Problem is I can't work on his jealousy, he needs to work on it too, I repeated this so many times "I'm not responsible for your feelings" he has no trust that the context I'm telling him is the truth and 8 months of this??? Not even an ounce of trust gained? How can I see myself with someone where 20, 30, 40 years from now I still don't have any trust???

I told him I was gonna head to my parents for the weekend to take a break, he said fine I'll pack, so duh duffle bag for a few nights right? Nope

My monitor, my key keyboard and mouse, many many clothes and items in the home. So I tell him got it then let's break up, he freaks out and tells me that's what I wanted for him to pack.

Ah yes 3 days worth is this huh.

"You said your sister is getting you tonight"

"No I said she doesn't work tomorrow so duh she'd get me tomorrow."

I decided to sleep the night on the couch and hopefully take the next work day off to start packing my stuff to take to my parents.

But I guess his parents chatted a wee tiny iddy bitty sense into him and he basically requested to try again. I told him I'd go back on my word and try the one month. But that's it. One month and if nothing is there to show for it. IM. DONE.

So am I insane? Or is this abnormal levels of jealousy?

My sister told me:

"I am not going to tell you what to do or convince you of an idea. I simply want you to stop clouding your judgement and taking abuse from stupid boys just cause you love them. Open your eyes and make a sound decision and whatever you choose I will support you. Mom, dad and I will always catch you…just do what will make you the happiest sister"

So am I crazy?

in relationship_adviceby knight__nebula

67%

1mo

staircasegh0st

1mo

from my understanding it's because of a gf in 9th grade that cheated on him.

MF is almost 30. I guarantee you this is not why he is the way he is.

Because of the traaaaaauuuuummmma from he was cheated on once when he was 14? Seriously?

I guarantee you that's not it.

the easiest way to make peace is not having friends

Didn't read the rest after this. Let me take a wild, wild guess: it's not 10 more paragraphs detailing how gosh darn "peaceful" your relationship is now since you gave in to his controlling, paranoid demands, is it?

Don't negotiate with emotional terrorists. It only leads to more emotional terrorism.

poop-machines

1mo

Tbh putting in a group chat that your favourite sex toy died is kinda over sharing, and honestly if my gf said it I'd think "why on earth is she telling everyone that?", but I'd just put it down to her being weird haha. It's not cheating at all.

P4_Brotagonist

-13

1mo

I don't want to discount the rest that you said, but fuck off with that first bit. My ex in high school made fun of me for crying when my best friend died and then cheated on me, and I still carry that pain in my mid 30s. Acting like something traumatizing can't cause trauma is such a disgrace. Would you say that to a woman who had something awful to happen when she was a teenager?

knight__nebula

-20

1mo

i was doubting that too, i asked him if that was the onyl girlfriend that cheated on him, and he said it's one he is sure, and another he thought she was but was never sure.

And it's about 10 paragraphs of examples of his jealousy.

I want to come to a happy medium, trying to negotiate peace. Gain trust? Not sure.....

orangecrushisbest

1mo

The only way to have "peace" in this situation is to surrender completely and become a shell of a human being.

Any time you show even a spark of independence or joy in something of your own, it will be "wrong." Is that honestly so much better than being alone?

isitallfromchina

1mo

OP you just wrote a book about a sick individual and now you want a happy medium. When you see who someone is and it troubles and scares you (and he should scare you) you need to ensure you are not the next victim in their derangement.

This is not a Cinderella story and you should recognize that. Re-read your post please. Don't allow yourself to be this be this young lady. He has no trauma and he's probably lost other relationships because of exactly who he is.

There are too many young ladies out in the world that just don't know how to recognize "danger" even after all the "stranger danger" training they learned, they continue to go for the rotten apple.

Save yourself, rebuild your self esteem and leave this person to his own vices.

WidowedWTF

1mo

Stop making excuses for him. For whatever reason, he grew into a controlling and jealous, emotionally abusive man. Why do you want to excuse that?

JCMidwest

1mo

I know this isn't healthy, but I know the easiest way to make peace is not having friends

You know this isn't true, the easiest way to deal with this is to not put up with bullshit and if he can't deal with who you are that is his own issue and he can hit the road.

You need to get out of this relationship asap and I think you have been aware of that for a long time. That leads to the biggest take away, you need to figure out why you subjected yourself to this treatment. You need to figure out when/where you gave up enough self respect to allow anyone to treat you this way. The second take away is to see that jealousy is a lot like anxiety or a toddler, with all 3 of these things if you give into their demands you are only encouraging the behavior you wish to minimize.

You learned something from this guy, you need to respect yourself more and not entertain bullshit, and now you need to be done with him. He is 29 and a dumpster fire, that can't be fixed in a month or even 8 months.

Tyler_s_Burden

1mo

I can’t read all this, and I’m sure I don’t need to.

Be very careful as this is a slippery slope! In the near term life seems easier when you cave into all his demands and shrink your life and friend group.

But you soon may find yourself very isolated and with no one to provide perspective, remind you who you are, or to nudge you when it’s almost too late to escape.

HighLadyOfTheMeta

1mo

This isn’t jealousy, he thinks he owns you and has the right to control who you speak to.

Any_Lobster_1121

1mo

I was in this relationship. I bent over backward to build trust. It never worked because she'd find tiny things that I had done wrong that set back the trust again. She'd insist that it was my fault that trust kept breaking because of all of these small things I did wrong. In reality, she was a jealous and abusive person. She tried to control me because she was insecure.

I was in the relationship for 4 years. It got worse and worse as time went on. She eventually found a bunch of things my family members were doing wrong too and tried to isolate me from them.

Please get out of this relationship. I was determined to make the relationship work since she was trying to work through her issues in therapy. I was so happy when I finally was free. Therapy for people this jealous will take YEARS. You cannot tolerate abuse for years. Get out now.

knight__nebula

-13

1mo

I think my biggest fear is going year after year hoping it changes. But I also feel like I have to give it a really good shot on fixing it so I don't feel the guilt of the relationship ended, that maybe yeah I coukd have put work with him to get to a good place, but I never even gave it a fair shot ya know?

That's why I feel like giving him time to see if the effort is there? Maybe convince therapy?

isitallfromchina

1mo

There is NO fair shot with people like this. Please listen to yourself. You've been with this person for 8 months, not like you've invested your life, which you are contemplating doing to your own detriment.

God, get control of your emotions and see this person for who they are. They are putting in on display and making it loud and clear for you. Don't be the fixer for someone, it doesn't work.

What do your peers say about this person ? I can't imagine others around you don't see this train wreck.

He's 30 YO, he's had a hell of a long time to FIX him and it ain't happening and you think you will come along and fix something that is broken in their circuitry. God what's up with our young women giving their lives over to train wrecks.

The best way to help him is leave. maybe when he looses enough relationships he'll finally see he needs to have his wiring reconfigured, but you can only help it by leaving.

8 months - for the love of God

advocatadiaboli

1mo

It's really telling that you would feel guilt instead of regret.

Ending a relationship doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. Society really pushes this idea that all relationships can and should last forever, or else they've "failed." It's not true. Let go of that guilt. You DO NOT owe anyone a "fair shot," let alone bending over backwards setting yourself on fire to try to fix someone who isn't putting in any effort himself. (And for what it's worth, you've ALREADY given it a fair shot!)

ChillyMost7

1mo

Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. IMO he shows serious signs of a true abuser. He is controlling in ways that indicate very, very serious issues. Don't wait, don't give him more chances. What an abuser will do is sense that they are losing their grip, change their behavior to re-earn trust, and then slip back to old ways. Run. now.

BinkoBankoBonko

1mo

I'm not going to read all of this but, I get the idea..

Almost Everyone gets cheated on in their lives. Nobody handles it like he is. This is insanely unhealthy and not a relationship based on respect.

You should be able to have friends...

God forbid you have male friends! OMG!

I honestly am concerned not about him.. but, about you. WTF happened to you in your life growing up that you find this an acceptable thing to tolerate in a relationship?

knight__nebula

-11

1mo

People pleasing? I get guilty talking to friends, and i don't think is cause I'm saying something wrong, but because i know it'll upset him. But in the same breath I know I have to die on this hill, i refuse to be alienated.

BinkoBankoBonko

1mo

He found the perfect girl. Someone who will please him and only him and end up a fucking shell with no friends. Alone. Only listening to him.

BTW I am a man in my 30s saying this.

SinnerIxim

1mo

Agreed, but I think you should put "perfect girl" in quotes. No man who wants a good and happy partner wants the "perfect girl" that OP's boyfriend wants. You want your partner to thrive and be happy, not act like a possession/pet.

Also a man in my 30s.

(I know this is being nitpicking, and that it wasn't your intention to imply such a thing, just want to make it clear to OP since it may not be conveyed properly in an anonymous post)

AbbeyCats

1mo

Why not say "I deserve friends, I'm not flirting, and you need to back off".

Stand up for yourself and tell him to fuck off.

SinnerIxim

1mo

Sounds like you don't feel like he trusts you or even wants you to talk to other people. Is that really someone you want to be with for the rest of your life? You won't be allowed to have anyone else in your life. That's a pretty common thing among abursers: isolating their victims

isitallfromchina

1mo

At this pace you will alienate yourself. No one wants to be witness to abuse and your friends will start to abandon you.

You get guilty because you know this is a wrong relationship.

What really is sad is that you say "die on this hill" - you just don't know how many young women like you have!

You need therapy

CatelynsCorpse

1mo

Girl I am old enough to be your Momma. This man is ABUSIVE. GET THE FUCK OUT. RUN LIKE THE WIND. Y'all have only been together 8 months and you are throwing your life away on someone who doesn't trust you AND NEVER WILL. He is blaming his issues on a girl he dated when he was a fucking kid. Come on now. This is just WHO HE IS and he's not going to get better in two days, a month, or two years.

Also, just FYI....a lot of times when dudes accuse you of cheating on them over and over it's because they're projecting because they're cheating on YOU. I've seen this happen so many times it isn't even funny.

SinnerIxim

1mo

He's 29 and he's hung up on a girl cheating on him in 9th grade. He is never going to get over his jealousy issues. I recommend cutting your losses

thenord321

1mo

29 year old guy has jealousy issues due to a teenage cheater, Sounds like he needs therapy and growth but never got it.

dutchman76

1mo

He sounds exhausting, I wouldn't have the energy to deal with him.

PomPomGrenade

1mo

Next time he accuses you of cheating ask him why he is still with you then.

Get rid of the guy and reclaim your peace.

https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

freckyfresh

1mo

You will never have peace by “keeping the peace” for him. Frankly, it doesn’t sound peaceful at all.

cfm1988

1mo

Your boyfriend is whack af and will never change. Sorry to say. Run!

Valuable_Cookie8367

1mo

I understood very little of that, but my advice is, things get worse not better. It’s a good thing you aren’t married. You don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want.

Comfortable-Bit1446

1mo

I’m not reading all that. Girl just dump him.

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