User deleted post
My (21F) boyfriend (22M) broke my trust by vaping in our house. What do I do from here?
User deleted comment
1mo
Maybe. But as an occasional smoker, I would find the backyard restriction unreasonable. But if it bothers you that much, maybe it’s a fundamental incompatibility issue. I don’t drink at all, but I don’t care if others around me drink. But if I found it objectionable, I’d just not date a drinker. To me, that’s easier than trying to make someone comply. Especially if you have zero tolerance for it. It controls his behavior, and I’m not into controlling anyone’s behavior.
Just my thoughts.
Info: I understand not wanting it in the house, but why is the backyard (and not the front) off limits?
User deleted comment
1mo
I'm going to try and be as gentle as I can with my response, but also honest in how your post and comments are perceived. So you're placing all these restrictions on your boyfriend to make you feel "safe" and comfortable in your own home, banning behaviors you can't "cope" with, seemingly forgetting that it's also his home. You require him to act in a way that makes sure you don't spiral, you're not exposed to anything you can't cope with, communication with you is gentle, your comfort is priority, his comfort comes last if at all. He can't smoke in the house, he can't smoke in his toom, and now you've decided that a backyard is part of the actual interior of the home. Everything is all about you and how YOU feel and how YOU need to be treated and how YOU need to be spoken to. How would you react if your boyfriend woke up one day and tried to control your actions and behaviors so they suited his needs and preferences while YOUR needs and preferences went ignored, because his were more important? I don't think you would like it, nobody would. Should he smoke in the house? No, that's gross. However he should be able to do it in his own backyard. Instead of trying to control something because you can't cope with it, you need to learn coping mechanisms for things you honestly have no right trying to control, like him removing a vape from his pocket. All the stuff in your post about not giving ultimatums and not forcing him and understanding nicotine is an addiction is meaningless when you're controlling where (only in the front yard) and when (whenever you're not around to see it) he can do his vaping. Sending him to the one spot approved by you is almost like you're putting him in a time out because he's doing something you don't like. He's an adult man, not a child that needs to be punished. I'm truly not trying to be mean or harsh, I hope you understand that.
I'm sorry, one more info: when you say he's vaping is it a nicotine or a weed vape?
Not smoking/vaping inside the house is.... a pretty common boundary for people who don't smoke/vape. In many places it's the law in public buildings. It's absolutely not unreasonable. Sure, it might be more upsetting to you because of your issues, but plenty of people set that boundary for the simple reason of "I don't want the smell in my home."
If that wasn't okay with him, it was his responsibility to tell you before you moved in together, or if he changed his mind later, to tell you then. Not to lie to your face. It's a small thing, not some terrible malicious betrayal, but it would absolutely change the way I thought of someone if they lied like that--and I'm not dealing with any sort of personal trauma. Like... that's just kind of mildly distasteful and sketchy. I don't like surrounding myself with people who act this way.
Long story short, I think you are stressing out about it way more than is necessarily normal, not you're not wrong to be upset that someone is smoking in a non-smoking home and lying about it.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your feelings are totally valid. Have an open and honest conversation with Alex using "I" statements like "I feel hurt when..." to express how his actions have hurt you without placing blame. It's important to set and maintain boundaries that make you feel safe in your home. Explain why these boundaries are important to you and how his actions have impacted your trust. Supporting him through his addiction is different from enabling behavior that compromises your well-being. Reflect on whether this relationship aligns with your values and needs. It's okay to prioritize your mental health and well-being, even if that means considering the possibility of ending the relationship. Take care of yourself during this time and engage in activities that bring you peace and help you process your emotions. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your well-being. Wishing you all the best.
User deleted comment
1mo
It’s ridiculous that the backyard is off-limits.