This is a throwaway BTW as I suspect that him uses reddit. This happened 5 months ago. We are both 22. We met on highschool and our relationship lasted 5 years. We also were each other's first in everything.

In the third year of our relationship, we began college, we went to separate ones, but in the same city, and we regularly visited each other on weekends. I also accompanied him to church, since he was Christian (I consider myself agnostic, but I loved spending time with him so I went with him on my own accord).

I felt happy, and I thought he was too but then he started drinking a lot and smoking, I don't really have an issue with that, but it kinda broke my heart a bit, since I knew him since we were both kids, not a side of him I expected to see, but I never really said anything about it. I did notice that his demeanor started to change a lot by the time he started college.

I also have to add, I am really not the most beautiful person on earth (I do have some self esteem issues and I am actively working on that), but I tried my best to look pretty for him. He would then make some really weird comments, like 'You should tint your eyebrows or fill them more, I like it more thick like Katie's' (Katie was a middle school crush that he had) I got mad at the comment, and we had a fight, but then he got me thinking I was overracting or making things bigger than they seemed, at the end I apologized for overreacting. (Looking back on this I was really naive and easily manipulated)

In that same year, he also felt a rush to lose his virginity, even though he told me that he wanted to wait till marriage, he really insisted to me to do it already, that we were going to get married anyways, and stuff like that, I got overwhelmed and I reluctantly accepted. One thing that stuck to me after we finished, is that he told me to 'go to the gym as you are getting a little chubby'. It was really jarring to hear that, especially after giving him my first time, I cried a lot since I could not contain my emotions at the time, he told me again that I was overreacting, and that I should let it go already.

I forgave him again and again, for any comment he made about me or any action that he would take that would hurt me, mainly because I thought he would change, or that I also thought 'love needs fighting' and these were just times of struggle for us as a couple, this coupled with the fact that I was almost sure that I would marry him.

This was almost daily, and when I got mad visibly mad, he would also get mad and tell me that it was only a joke, and not talk to me, I would then apologize so he could feel better. ( I also realized that I used to have a lot of abandonment issues, which made me put up with a lot so I could not be alone).

Two years more passed after that, and I think I couldn't put up with it any longer. I was talking with him one day, him visibly not being into the conversation, looking at his phone, and I said 'Am I boring you?' 'Yeah a bit' I got mad and I said 'Why are you with somebody who you consider boring then?' then he told me: 'The thing is there are no better options, I don't want someone who already has an ex or history with someone else'.

That comment pushed me to the breaking point, I've been with him because I loved him a lot despite everything and he was with me for such a childish reason. I walked away, he tried to stop me but I still left, I asked for a cab and went home.

Two days later, he called me, this time he asked for forgiveness, and trying to rekindle things, at that time I was with a lot of anger, but I was sure of my decision and I told him no. After going back and forth, he got tired and said: 'Well if this is really the end of things, then I have something to tell you, I've been cheating on you since last year, I am telling you since I feel you deserve to at least know and to cleanse my mind. I don't feel proud about what I did, but at the time I felt that's what I deserved since I wasn't very nice to you, and you deserve so much better. So I would try to sabotage our relationship, so you would leave me for good.'

I was stunned at the sudden confession, I asked 'Why didn't YOU break up with me instead and stop all of this then?' he then told me: 'I thought that leaving you would be my worst mistake, so I was kind of pressuring you to make the decision yourself'. I was so confused by all of that, I hung up on him.

Two months later, he would contact me again, saying that he was a changed man, that he stopped drinking and smoking, he wanted us to at least be friends. I reluctantly agreed, around that time I started taking prescribed antidepressants and I thought that maybe if I stop holding grudges everything will become better.

I think we talked normally for like 15 days before I couldn't anymore, because I hated how things where going I still felt a lot of grudge in me, and when I saw him doing better than me, I just wished that karma existed. I told him that I was taking antidepressants and that made me change my mood a lot. So I would be taking a break from talking to him and that I didn't want him to think I was ghosting him. He told me that he would wait for me.

Obviously that was a lie, I did intend to ghost him, it's been 2 months since we last talked, I blocked him on social media, but he reached out to me on email, only asking how I was doing, but I really don't want to talk to him anymore, he also has tried coming to my house but I never responded.

I do feel bad for doing this, and the same time I don't, after all that happened. I wanted to hear someone else's thoughts for this. Sorry if my English is bad.

TLDR: My boyfriend of 5 years, 3 of which he was very abusive to me, told me he was cheating on me and wishes to become friends, I ghosted him out of spite