How can I (31M) get my wife (30F) to be okay with nudity in shows?

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Yea, no. Being cheated on in the past is no free pass to instigate such a ridiculous rule.

She is being controlling and incredibly insecure.

Your wife needs therapy

She needs to realize that her behavior towards you is a more likely reason that you will leave than the sight of a hot tit.

Don't you find this personally insulting? Like she thinks you're such a animal that you're not going to be able to control yourself with other women because you saw a naked woman on screen? Have some self respect and tell her to get into therapy for her obvious issues.

This is an absolutely ridiculous “rule” and she’s incredibly insecure. She needs therapy, and to learn how to trust you.

Dude, I appreciate you being so accommodating with your wife. It shows you are a loving and considerate husband.

That being said, all she is achieving with this rule is to upload her trauma into you. Which is not right and it is not fair to you at all. I'm not judging her, cheating fucking sucks, but when it does this level of trauma on you, you have to see a professional about it. The problems seem much, much deeper than that.

Good luck to the both of you!

Nah, fuck that. Work on your trauma before you start controlling me and what I can watch. What are you, my mom? Lmfao

IMO the problem is that nudity is one-sided. Game of thrones was awful at this in the beginning.

I don’t mind nudity when it is more balanced, but when it’s all naked women it feels like the show doesn’t care about me or women as whole. Like the actresses are there to be objectified by the male gaze and female viewers are irrelevant. Bleh.

Why would she want to watch a show with her husband that makes her feel like a third wheel? Maybe try to watch shows with more balanced nudity so she can feel included?

You wife needs to work on her emotional maturity. This is acting like a child.

This comment section is disgusting. There's nothing wrong with your wife for not wanting to see nudity. Check out VidAngel and select the option to remove sex and nudity so you can enjoy your shows while still respecting her boundaries.

Dude she's 30. Tell her to stop being a immature child. It's just fucking nudity. That shit is not "tiggering" she needs to grow the fuck up

Some people have boundaries.

Men that like to look at naked women will say this is unhealthy and point fingers.... these nude scenes are made for the male gaze. There is a bias here.

Just fast forward or skip the sex scenes, they seldom add to plot, and give your lady a squeeze and reassure her you only have eyes for her.

Your wife does not own your eyes. If you tried to control her like she wishes to control you there would be outrage.

Tbh I’m female and hate female nudity on tv, for me personally it’s mainly because Hollywood love to sexualize young women, most of women in Hollywood wouldn’t be given job opportunities if they aren’t willing to be sexually exploited.

I get extremely uncomfortable with nudity and sexual behaviours shown on TV, but do you know what I do? I look away and zone out to the noises...I don't have an expectation that my hubby has to look away. Your wife needs therapy to deal with her past trauma, and stop using it as a way to control you. You can't avoid nudity and sexual behaviour these days, it's everywhere. Does she expect you to walk around in a blind fold?

So, I had this issue in only one relationship in particular, and it was due to excessive commenting/ comparison to other women either celebrities, people in real life, he had a porn addiction and didn’t want to have sex with me, would interact constantly on social media with others. He’d go on about exes, other women we knew etc, it was really draining and damaging. I’d just leave to go for a quick vape outside in the end as it made me so uncomfortable. He noticed and was offended and called me insecure, immature etc which it maybe was but fuck, it did get me down and affect my confidence to this day.

If she's not comfortable with it you can't make her comfortable with it. There are a lot of women out there that aren't comfortable with nudity in shows. It's supposed to be an escape, yet instead many of us find ourselves comparing our bodies to the perfection on screen, and honestly it's just not necessary to show nudity in the first place. Other than that, it's important to realize that there's a major industry in telling women they don't look good enough, young enough, thin enough, curvy enough.... "but here's a product that can give you the look of this celeb everyone's talking about.... no? OK, well plastic surgery then." Women are more bothered by these things than people think, but many keep quiet about it because they know people will jump on them for being "so jealous and insecure" and "controlling". Asking a trusted and loved partner for support with something that upsets you is a basic need in a healthy relationship. If it bothers her so much, then why not have a look for shows you can watch together without nudity in them? Does it mean that much to you to prioritise these shows and movies above her comfort? Whatever the answer is, it warrants a discussion with your wife.

For context, this kind of thing triggers me too. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse and was shown pornographic images when I was 8 by my father who lied and told me it was a father and daughter thing to do, and he would be very upset and hurt if I didn't do that. 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted in their life. For many, it can lead to a feeling of worthlessness. Many of us then go on to unfortunately think our worth is solely in our looks and sexuality. When that is threatened or we're faced with any sort of competition for the sake of our perceived worth, we can spiral pretty damn hard. We work on ourselves because we are convinced by society that it's abnormal and completely our problem. Just remember that before you label us negative names for not wanting to take part in the societal circus of oppression, there's an inner voice beating themselves up about it anyway. There's no name you can call us that we haven't already called ourselves repeatedly in our frustrated attempt at being "normal".

Best of luck and big hugs to your wife 💖

She needs therapy. That's one dumb rule.

Therapy

OP says: "while I'm personally fine with avoiding the shows"

also OP: asks reddit how to resolve this and doesn't want to live with this for the rest of his life

On another note, there have been a lot more shows with male nudity, penis scenes, extended full frontal full lighting male nude scenes. This pissed me off (relating to your wife) which led me stop watching any and all movies shows with nudity regardless of gender. I understand how she feels albeit I came across this as a hypocrite because I didn’t not respect or empathize previously with what woman must feel given the exploitation of women in films. I have detached from movies and shows almost completely as a result. For example I have not gone to a movie theater for almost a full year. I’m disillusioned with movies and modern storytelling and how humans are treated by modern storytellers. Not sure how to say this any other way but in a clear fashion. Respect and honor your wife’s feelings about this topic and stop watching shows that have her feeling invalidated or exploited as a woman. She will respect your empathy and consideration.

A friend of ours isn't allowed to watch GoT because of the nudity/sex scenes. We mostly just feel bad for him because his wife is controlling and wildly insecure. It's just bizarre because he has access to all the nudity in the world on his phone...though I suspect that's monitored too. Dunno.

She was cheated on...fair enough. It hurts. Happens to a lot of people...maybe it's time she built a bridge. Attractive bodies are everywhere...you're not blind...she needs to deal with it.

Look, attractive people and naked bodies exist. Often a part of movies/shows. You truly are missing out on a lot of great movies/shows if she is going to be this controlling about this. She needs to work through her insecurities and her past trauma, because this is an unrealistic way to live. I mean, watch a show on tv and there's a good chance there will be a Victoria's Secret commercial with a woman in her bra and panties flashing across the screen. It's no different than a bikini. Is she not going to let you go to a pool or beach because you might see a woman either? Does she think if you watch a movie/show with nudity or a sex scene you will reach through the screen and grab her and cheat on her? Come on. You're not a child who needs to be shielded from sex or nudity. It's called trust and accepting that it's just a show. I would never dream of telling my husband he has to turn something off just because it happened to have some nudity. Fine, look. I'm still the one he's going to bed with that night. I look too. Looking does not equate to acting on it. That's where trust comes into play. She needs to stop with the controlling behavior and focus on healing her insecurities and her past experiences.

While I’m personally fine with avoiding the show

There ya go. You chose your wife, not us. You knew this about her. You seem fine with it. Why are you here again?

As far as GOT goes, you didn't miss out on much! LOL!

Sounds like she has very justifiable trust issues stemming from infidelity. But they're unhealthy and are negatively affecting her current relationships. She needs to go to individual counseling to work on this.

Meanwhile, allow me to recommend K-Dramas. The ones not specifically made for Netflix have zero nudity and and sex is implied or never shown. The most you get is a kiss between the two leads.

My favorite K-Drama is "Itaewon Class," which is kind of a modern interpretation of "The Count of Monte Cristo." It's good if you like a good revenge story. "Kngdom" is also good. It's a zombie apocalypse set in middle ages Korea. "Familiar Wife" is a time travel romance that also is a pretty funny office comedy.

You don't work on resolving this together - she needs to go to therapy, because this is an absurd and extremely unhealthy reaction to seeing a naked woman (and this is just a naked woman on screen!)

You're not a child - she doesn't have to cover your eyes when boobies pop out. What does she think you're going to do, cheat on her with a fictional Game of Thrones character?

Maybe watch shows with male nudity. IMDB has a list.

Your wife needs therapy.

yeah this is pretty crazy considering nowadays there is nudity, EVERYWHERE. just reassure her somehow and try to have a conversation about this.

She needs to change - not you. If she can’t get a handle on her insecurity by herself, she should find a good therapist to help her. What she’s asking of you is unreasonable; they’re actors in television shows/movies - not real life women who you’re hitting on.

reassure her and make sure she feels loved/seen despite those shows. she does have trauma with that and all it takes is some reassurance, understanding and patience. building that trust with your partner helps a lot and setting boundaries. maybe you can offer solutions like you’ll watch it with her only so that her mind doesn’t wander and yes she’ll be upset which is valid because of her trauma but if you both compromise it will help her heal from that trauma.

Whatever happened to her that caused her trauma is not her fault, but healing and working through it is her responsibility.

Honestly, she is going to have to work through this. My guess is that she's worried that you're "stealable" based on the actions of her previous boyfriend who taught her that she wasn't worth being faithful to. It's unfortunate, but it is up to her.

This isn't ok. It's ok that she may be uncomfortable. It's not ok to try and control everything to this level. She needs help and you need to stop owning this issue when it's obviously her issue.

I avoid female nudity in shows, but I don’t expect my partner to do the same. So shows like GoT with recurring nudity he’ll have to watch without me. I see a lot of commentators recommending she needs therapy. She does, I do, but it’s not affordable to everyone. If she’s insisting you can’t watch nudity and she’s not willing to work this out (compromise, therapy) then you’ll have to figure out if it’s a dealbreaker. We all carry trauma and baggage with us throughout our lives.

I was REALLY uncomfortable with nudity in my first serious relationship, at 18 years old. I was raised in an Evangelical household.  I'm 35 now and I watch shows with nudity in them ALL the time, including WITH my boyfriend.  She views them as pornography, and perhaps they are a bit pornographic in some instances, but most people don't focus on those aspects and actually just enjoy the good writing and actors. Most people aren't watching those shows to rub one out, they're watching because of the complex characters, the twists and turns in the storylines, and the battles and cool CGI creatures (dragons, giants, orcs, etc.)

I understand that she is feeling mistrustful, but she is being really unfair and borderline insulting towards you with this conclusion. Like does she really think you have such little self control that if you see an actress in the nude while watching TV that you will become so turned on that you will cheat on her and leave her? Does she really think that? If so….. why did she marry someone who she thinks has such little self control?

Hmm she needs therapy, no other solution. She has some serious unresolved past trauma and unfortunately because of how extreme she takes it, you can't do anything on your own.

You need to suggest to her that she go to therapy to work on that. Nobody should ever be dating again until they have fully resolved past trauma and she clearly didn't. Jealousy about a woman hitting on you on person is one thing, to see a pair of boobs on a show and making you look away, that's extremely juvenile.

Updateme!

You never should have married her. She's lumped you in with whoever did her wrong and she'll never get over it. She needs therapy.

It doesn’t seem like she’s healed at all from the trauma that caused her. What happens if you go to a movie theatre and there’s nudity? Is she going to make you leave? She may not mean to do it but she’s punishing you for something you haven’t done. You didn’t make the shows. She also got angry at you when you “didn’t turn it off fast enough,” making it your responsibility to regulate her emotions when you did nothing wrong. Your wife is not a bad person but she does need to realize that 1) you’re not her ex and 2) this behavior is very controlling and will only breed resentment. I really think therapy/counseling would help you both.

It’s also possible she feels like you’ll be excited by the imagery, because there is a chance that she is, and she doesn’t like how it makes her feel. I have a friend who realized later in life that she was a lesbian, and this was something she did went still struggling with internalized homophobia, and shame surrounding sexuality/religion

Depends, did you know this when you got married? Is this something you agreed to? Porn addiction is a pandemic and women who have had men cheat in many different ways in the past can cause PTSD. Yes it’s real and anything associated with that can have an extreme effect T on her psyche. I guess you could decide what’s more important to you.

if it reverse would your wife be ok with never pass by the beach or gym because there are half naked men out there?

Are you actively trying to force her to look at nudity? If not, why is she trying to force you to look away?

I get that she doesn't want to see nudity and somehow she's managed to tie it to a cheating trauma but realistically, is she aware of the number of seriously attractive women out there? And is she also forbidding you from interacting with anyone she considers 'attractive or hot' regardless of how it may affect your job/career?

She (and your marriage) will benefit greatly from therapy because heaven forbid you have a beautiful daughter.

Hey man.

Ultimately, this is a her problem unless you've given her cause to worry about your fidelity.

I'm not sure how long you two have been together or the history of your relationship. If you're married, you have said vows and are determined to be together, right? At this point, it seems like she is imposing restrictions on you based on her insecurities and not who you are.

Here's a scenario: How would your wife feel if you were naked in front of a female physician? Does that bother her? I'm 39 and a few years ago I had a scare related to a lump in my scrotum. The only physicians available were all female. I had 5 different women messing with my testicles over the span of two days to check, prode, poke, and scan things down there.

My wife was unbothered by it and knew it was for a medical procedure. In your case, it makes me wonder if your wife would have issue with that.

Additionally, my wife and I will gift each other massages often. I do not care if it is a male or female massage therapist working on my wife and she doesn't care who does that to me either.

The only people we are having sex with, however, is each other. We have watched porn together and we have watched plenty of shows with naked men and naked women that appear.

It sounds like you are okay with avoiding these shows. If you are, then no worries. The insecurity and her angry at YOU is what is of concern.

She needs two things - therapy, and two to feel secure in your marriage. The only time I was insecure about nudity in shows with a partner was with a partner I could not trust because I found out he planned cheating on me. Trauma plays a part but also how she feels in the relationship itself which could and could not be influenced directly by your actions. She needs to work on herself with a therapist and figure out why she doesn’t feel secure in your marriage. There is no shortcut to getting over this

A lot of married couples don’t condone seeing others of the opposite sex nude… mine included. We have a look away rule.

You are wonderful for being kind to her and she does need therapy.

That said, think about how much media in general is made for the male gaze. It's sickening how many movies treat females like fucktoys and throw nude scenes around for no reason, while the men are not displayed that way. It's not okay and she shouldn't be comfortable with that, since this use of female nudity treats women like shit while catering solely to men. Maybe let her know that you're aware of the problem, you don't enjoy it, and you support her. I've had this conversation with my partner and knowing that he isn't interested in watching those scenes/ knowing that he also recognizes the issue with sexualizing women like that has helped me a lot

The level of control your wife wants will destroy the marriage. Does she have to follow the same rules? If a hot guy walks in is she allowed to look? If a guy takes off his shirt (found sexy by high percentage of women) does she turn off the movie/show? Are you allowed to get pissed if she looks at or comments how good a guy looks? She have any guy friends? But you have zero female friends.

She needs therapy now. If she refuses then think about separating for a bit and think if you want that for the rest of your life.

Wow so mang kids in the chat thread… how about you talk to her, assure and take baby steps instead of throwing her under the bus and act like a victim here.

Such insecurities come from somewhere.

Have her seek professional therapy. This is not something that you can fix. This is a job for a professional. Years and years.

Look, I can empathize with your wife. I got cheated on several times in my teens and early twenties. I can understand absolutely how badly that hurts, and how the fear of being cheated on can nag and nag until you start acting irrationally.

However, there comes a point where with age and maturity you should be able to separate past relationships from your current relationship. You cannot maintain a healthy relationship by any means if you cannot view your partner as their own individual who has nothing to do with previous partners' actions. And where a major line gets drawn is when the inability to separate this results in behaviors that attempt to control the other person.

I agree with other commenters that she needs therapy, but a serious conversation also probably needs to be in the works. This comes down to a lack of trust- her actions are explicitly spelling out that not only does she not trust you, but also doesn't trust herself enough to judge whether her husband would cheat, and that is wildly unhealthy for a marriage. Even though it is likely not intentional to a degree, that's hurtful and disrespectful to you as her partner. She needs to take a step back and start working on her insecurities instead of using them as a way to control your thoughts and actions.

Genuinely wish the best of luck to you, and I hope your wife is able to start getting some professional help and working on herself.

Does your wife think you're going to fuck the TV, or what?

I’m going against the grain and saying maybe nudity on television is vulgar and if both parties can’t be comfortable with it together then he should respect her wishes and the fact that it makes her insecure. Everyone has some trauma and being gentle by not watching nude scenes is hardly a sacrifice. It’s akin to softcore porn.

This is not a you problem, this is a her problem. Either solve it with her (she should willingly be talking to a professional about this if she is openly bleeding it all over your marriage) or resign yourself to this immature ridiculousness. The adult human reality here is that women exist, naked women exist, and attractive women exist; therefore naked attractive women exist - playing into this is doing neither of you favors.

I once had a girlfriend like that. For mad at me if a semi clad spam was on TV and mad at me if I looked away or turned it off because apparently me noticing that to turn it off meant I was cheating.

At one point she even hit me over this stuff.

You're not doing her any favours by acquiescence. Tell her to go get therapy.

But my own approach now would be to turn the tables around and play her at her own game. Every time she sees a man in the street or on TV, accuse her of cheating. Only when she is receiving unreasonable treatment will she understand how her own actions affect you

She's insecure and doesn't want you comparing her body to others.

Short-sided way to live.

Complement her more often. Don't just say stuff like "you look hot". Sweet things like, "your hair looks lovely in this light."

It's not your job to make her feel secure. It is your job to tell her what you find attractive in her.

She doesn’t have to move past it. She’s allowed to have boundaries. 

However you’re allowed to watch TV. 

GoT wasn’t that good, fyi. 

Your wife needs therapy

No, you shouldn't have to live with it. To work together on it, I think your best bet is a couple's therapist.

 I relate to your wife a bit in that I also find it uncomfortable when there is a sexy woman on screen. I have body image issues and I can't help but compare myself. When I compare myself, it makes me fear that my partner compares me too. Even though I know logically that he doesn't compare me, I still feel the emotions of fear/jealousy. 

The difference is though, I know that this problem is my problem and I don't tell him to solve it by dictating what he watches. I also dont get angry at him when I feel this way because hes not the cause of it. 

I think your wife needs someone to explain boundaries to her and what is/isn't healthy in a relationship. 

Sir your wife is being unbelievably controlling. I am currently divorced after being cheated on and I would never ever try and implement a crazy rule like this on my current partner. She obviously needs therapy. It’s not fair of her to offload her problems onto you in this manner. Since you asked how to resolve this with her I suggest you start by having a conversation with her about how it makes YOU feel and suggest therapy to help process her past trauma and get help finding a healthier ground here.

Therapy.... But if she doesn't want to.... Can't do much

You're a grown man. You tell her to get the fuck over herself.

Can you just fast forward through scenes that have sex or nudity?

I used to be like this when I was younger. It was partly due to my issues with sex and trauma. But a huge part of it was I couldn't inherently trust my husband and it manifested in ways like this. She needs therapy either way.

My Ex was like this, and very nearly destroyed our relationship. She knew thas and sought therapy. Took a while but she got to the stage where she no longer freaked out. Your Wife needs to do the same, this is toxic behaviour and a her problem, get her to therapy or divorce already because it won't change.

How can we try to work together to resolve this together

You tell her to grow up.

Being cheated on is no excuse for this shit

She is abusive and controlling. Leave.

She needs therapy

i'm in the minority here but i have actual issues with sex on tv/movies from being exposed to and manipulated with porn as a child. i've also been heavily therapized ( that's not a word ) but it's a trigger for me and i get anxious

not that this applies to everyone else but i understand in a weird way. just watch those shows when she isn't around, her issues shouldn't affect you, if she doesn't like nudity in shows she doesn't have to watch them but it doesn't mean you can't.

i use to think porn was cheating because of how i was raised it took me a long time to be ok with my husband indulging, I don't have to watch it but it doesn't mean he's cheating if he does watch it. .

Your wufe needs therapy. Watching tv is not the sane as cheating on someone, and if your wife thinks it is, tjinhs will only get worse..

The issue isn't the nudity but her complete lack of self confidence.

It's a vicious cycle.

It can only be broken if she regains her self confidence. You can help by saying nice things to her with sincerity and showing how much you love her through daily rituals of affection.

But honestly - you're not equipped with the right tools to fix this by yourself. Seek therapy. CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - would be the best way to fix this.

Make deposits into your relationship's emotional bank account.

Thinking that you're missing out on good shows or that it's all her fault are sure ways to make the problem worse. Admit to having failed her when you didn't act as fast as she wanted with the remote.

Show her with your actions and words how she is do much more important than any other woman.

She's an erupting volcano of insecurities and only with passionate patience and truckloads of reassurance can you bring her to be normal again.

This is like touching someone's arm. Normally, it doesn't hurt. But if she scraped her arm, and you touched it, then it hurts like hell.

For you to see and appreciate another woman's naked body is the same as touching her bruised heart - it hurts. It reminds her of the infidelity. It makes her feel not worthy of being loved. It's PTSD.

How does one recover from this? With patience, love, kindness and reassurance.

With all the love meant in the world, your wife needs therapy. This isn't healthy.

This is up there with most insecure/insane things I’ve ever read.

Your wife needs therapy. She’s too old to act like this

Why on earth would you allow that sort of behaviour? She is super insecure and controlling and she needs help. Plenty of people would end a relationship over that kind of thing.

Your wife is an entertainment never nude.

She needs therapy for insecurity ASAP

That's an enormous red flag, man.

She's jealous of the people on the television.

That is utterly absurd. Sounds like she needs to see a therapy if she's projecting her insecurities regarding "attractive" women being in TV shows that you're watching.

This is so odd

Problematic women, who cant deal with her own insecurities, extremely untrusting. entitled asf,

GOT is not a good show, don't sweat it

Your wife needs to address these issues. They are HER issues, and neither of you are getting past these until she gets help for whatever trauma she has from past relationships. This response isnt "normal" and it's only going to get worse if it goes unchecked. She needs help. Getting angry YOU for nudity in TV shows as an adult is absolutely ridiculous.

This is kinda crazy and she needs help. A lotta therapy is long overdue

This is not a healthy response to those emotions. My ex cheated on multiple times, I'm not going to stop new partners from watching things with nudity. Has she tried seeing a therapist to deal with these emotions? (33 m for context)

Edit: added context Edit 2: added edit info

Is she 13? Jesus

Nothing worse than a super insecure woman especially when they use that as an excuse to be controlling.

Have you tried telling her to fuck off with that crazy shit? How can anyone be with someone who controls them like this. Grow a pair.

Man if my husband told me I could not watch Outlander or GOT because of nudity I be confused and pissed. She needs therapy, but I have no idea how your going to tell her that without her going batshit on you...

I usually lurk instead of commenting but I just had to comment seeing how the wife is basically being dragged. I don’t think she has much of a problem as others seem to believe. I don’t watch nudity in shows and I also would rather my spouse not watch them as well and it has nothing to do with trauma. I believe that too many shows are showcasing soft porn that it desensitizes people. It personally makes me uncomfortable to watch people full blown naked having sex on tv. I don’t find a point as to why it was even added to a show in the first place. I’m siding with the wife.

She needs therapy to deal with her insecurities. I've been cheated on and I don't make my husband look away or turn off a movie that has nudity or sex scenes.

Bro. What the fuck

She is acting like child

She needs therapy. That's abnormal.

You're a grown man and you can't see some boobies on a TV show? What are you gonna do, teleport into the show and fuck the actor? If there was male nudity would she feel the same way? Regardless, she needs therapy and you need to not enable that insanity.

That’s actually crazy. This isn’t your problem, it’s hers. You’re definitely missing out on good shows/movies. When I was like 19 I remember feeling insecure when watching movies with nudity with my bf, but never said anything. Over the years I’ve realized it doesn’t fucking matter.

Jesus…she sounds exhausting. She is beyond ridiculous.

She need to work on her issues.

Uh, she needs help bro. It’s just a show, she needs to grow up And or get her nonsense sorted out. This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of someone getting angry about lol