Anyone else feel emotional detachment with their grown child?

I think i’m the only one that sorta understands this, my parents had me in their early 40’s, and i never had any sort of emotional connection with my mother. However, my dad tried to be attentive and spend quality time with me, which i appreciate. I think my mom is so exhausted from life and regrets us so much that she genuinely just couldn’t care less at this point. My mom and i are just like the first paragraph you wrote, i guess we love each other because that’s what were’s supposed to do, lmao. Honestly, i understand it. However, you could try to reconcile and although you’re so different, maybe you will at least enjoy hanging out with each other, if you don’t see him as a son, you could see him as a friend with different interests, worldview and personality?

Edit: Yes, age plays huge role because my mom was born in the 50’s and i’m a Gen Z lmao. Especially if you don’t put any effort in forming some kind of relationship with your child, of course it’s going to be like you’re from completely different planets. However, you’ve probably had similar experiences, after all you watched him grow, try to find something that you can discuss and share some quality time together. Now, as to why you don’t want to do that, i really don’t know and i wish that i could understand.

Can you give some context? What is so different about you and your son that it makes it impossible to connect to him?

Why do you not want to understand him?

Your comments give me the impression that you had a kid thinking he'd be a "mini me" and you're disappointed that he isn't. It would do you a lot of good to at least try to open up your mind and understand him. You could probably learn a lot.

Hello, need more context

My father knows nothing about me either. Never did. I hated ice cream my entire life, never liked it, never wanted it, never asked for it. Every time this came up, he reacted with surprise. Every. Single. Time. It’s like I wasn’t important enough for him to retain any info about me.

Btw this isn’t the only thing, just the simplest. I actually believe that my father does not even know my daughters name. He’s never asked & never used it in a sentence so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Do you feel emotional detachment from yourself, too? I can imagine that your own upbringing and your relationship with your own father plays a big role in your inability to feel connected with your son. 

No. My kid is very different from me. Her taste in fashion, music, food, and shows are almost the opposite of mine. Her jokes make no sense to me. Her interests, communication styles, and even her appearance are unlike mine. Yet, she doesn't have to be like me for me to be interested in her and to understand her. I spend a lot of time every day trying to get to know her, study her, and understand her. I pay close attention to things she likes, her everyday patterns, her mood, and mannerisms. I talk to her every day, learn who her friends are, who's her current crushes, and what show/fanfiction she's currently into. Also, she grew up in a world different from mine. I grew up in a patriarchal culture and was raised by parents who couldn't speak English. My kid is raised away from that culture and can only speak English. If my kid was just a classmate or colleague, I wouldn't be interested in getting to know her because we are so different. But she's family, and I care about her.

This sounds like something you’ve struggled with for a long time. You aren’t alone in finding it hard to connect to a child, or any person 35 years younger than you. The world is so drastically different after 35 years go by! So drastically different than when you and your parents grew up. To try to understand anyone takes empathy and patience, especially those with different perspectives than yourself. It may be a big challenge for him as well.

Many millennials find it exhausting trying to relate & connect with their babyboomer parents over topics that require openness and empathy for differing worldviews, like politics, religion, “respect”, music, or what it means to be successful. Sometimes one end is unwilling or unable to listen to the other talk about these sorts of subjects without feeling the urge to challenge the other on their viewpoint which can very quickly become a conversation and connection killer when one side refuses to remain calm and curious without suddenly feeling their identity, intelligence, and/or feelings attacked trying to convince or change the other’s differing opinion.

With that said, active listening & curiosity without judgement leads to connection, but is a great SKILL that takes practice. And practice takes patience. I think the more time that goes by without practicing curiosity, patience, and understanding with someone, the harder it can be. It takes practice and you and your son may be rusty!

Maybe you have always wanted to feel more understood by him? Everyone wants to feel seen and heard, especially by loved ones like their child or their parent. Also: When a child becomes an adult there can still be that parent-child power dynamic that sticks around and makes it hard for parents to active listen without judgement or trying to “teach” them what’s “right” or “wrong.” We can’t expect to feel seen and heard by someone we are not willing to give the space to feel seen and heard- just as well. It may be that conversations with your son make you uncomfortable because of a pattern of judgement from one of both ends. You could try establishing a boundary where you two don’t talk about your differences, or actively practice non judgement and focus on other stuff that’s less personal. Stop conversations when they start to turn judgmental.

For example, I don’t talk about politics or religion with my mom and it has brought us closer and keeps us close. We like trading stories about her ridiculous coworkers & clients at her job, food, recipes, funny stories we hear, our health, science facts, new scientific & medical discoveries being made, what our plan is for our day/week/month, what we are working on, our goals & checking in about how we are doing on our goals, etc. Try not to let your differences and potential urge to change his mind get in the way of connecting. It feels so good. You don’t have to understand your sons worldview to connect with him over funny stories and life updates. I hear that you have no interest, but perhaps you haven’t connected with him in so long that you forget how good it can feel.

As others have mentioned, you may get a lot out of therapy/counseling about this. I know your generation has a lot of hesitation and stigma around therapy. If that’s the case, you could challenge yourself to try to release self judgement around this as an option. Therapy is hard work but so rewarding if you let go of your ego and are willing to feel uncomfortable for the sake of improving your life & relationships. It can also give you the chance to have you and your while situation evaluated. You could explore the possibility of mental health issues like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or depression. Learning communication skills and strategies to improve one’s own mental health and inner monologue can be life changing for not only one’s self, but everyone around them. Good luck to you, OP!

It is a hard mental exercise to open yourself up to try and understand another person’s point of you. It’s draining because it challenges our whole worldview. And that’s something that especially your generation is struggling to do. I think that you don’t want to do it out of fear of what it my bring up from yourself.

Does he still live with you? Ages?

It appears you have some issues you may need to address more formally as opposed to an open forum, i.e. therapy.

This post coupled with several prior posts about wishing to leave your wife and getting no physical intimacy is pointing to the common denominator: you.

You appear to be trying to rationalise the fact that you just aren’t a great person. And I wish you all the healing you need, for your wife and son’s sakes at least.

This is why not everyone should have children “just because it’s the thing to do”. There needs to be conversations about the reality of being a parent and if you are truly ready for one. I feel like we are better at communicating this in today’s society compared to before which is why people are choosing to have kids later.

Honestly, the fact that you have had to fake it most of their life means you never actually had an emotional attachment in the first place - it was what you were meant to do not how you actually felt. And now they are grown, it’s not as much of an obligation anymore. As an older parent, I’d recommend maybe cultivating a kind of friendship instead of a parent - child relationship. Start there at least.

Looking through your post history, it seems like you’ve dealt with the same issues for years at this point. I hope you can leave your marriage and have some breathing room to start working extensively on yourself.

Have you ever talked to a therapist? I have a family member plus I had a relative with autism. They can't handle when people don't think the way think or that people do things differently. My relative only did things that he enjoyed with his children.

I know that he took his children to look at houses (viewings) and car museums. None of his children had a good time.

Autism is a spectrum. I am aware of that. But it seems like you have trouble connecting with people in general who don't think the way you think.

In your other comments you said you dont have friends or really feel emotional attachment to anything (i am assuming) and although it may cause some hurt towards your son it just seems to be who you are. As long as youre not activley and intentionally trying to harm your son in any manner, then youre just emotionally detached. Not to get diagnosing but kinda sounds like aspbergers.

Maybe tell him "look, i know im not an emotional guy but im proud of you" once or twice and carry on with life lmao

What's with all the downvotes? People write how they hate their kids here all day long and can't wait to get away from them and everyone showers them with understanding and support. This guy comes along and says he doesn't connect with his kid and gets 300 downvotes? Isn't this a safe space where you can honestly admit if you genuinely feel no interest in your kids? If this person honestly feels this way aren't they allowed to express it here of all places?

So…. You don’t like your own kid because “he’s not like you” ? I’m sorry but I’m sure he’s very thankful for that! Sons NEED their DADS to TEACH them how to be men and you are obviously incapable of that. You should have been clipped a long time ago.

OP, many, many parents of adults feel this way and keep it to themselves. You’re just more honest about it.

Here’s the thing: you don’t have to be his friend. A parent and an adult child might or might not have things in common. Likelihood is that they won’t due to age gap, a simple, neutral fact. Sounds as if you don’t have much in common. That is no one’s fault, certainly not yours (adult kid hasn’t made huge efforts to understand you either or to try to get into your point of view and interests!). So you might be happier just loving him but not really worrying about any closeness or friendship. I can say a lot more about this but you’re getting way too much flak on here for what are totally normal and typical feelings.

Edited to add I have not read OP’s other posts and base this strictly on this one. What is said here is not unusual at all among parents of adult kids.

Well, I think it’s somewhat normal for there to be an emotional separation with adult kids. You are supposed to separate at this age. At least to a certain point. Or he will never start a family of his own. 

I think you are just at an awkward stage. Hopefully things will balance out for you soon and he will gain his independence. It’s harder for young people to move out these days. In the mean time you just gotta take it one day at a time. 

Yo you should talk to my mom!

He's not five it's not super important to be involved in his life. If you feel like his interests are dangerous reach out to a therapist.

If you don't want to understand because the world for a young adult now feels too overwhelming also see a therapist. You need to be caught up in the world to be a productive voter.

Middle ground, he's an adult and you're an adult so as long as everyone is safe just be pleasant and polite to each other. Enjoy the moments even if you're two different people.

Truly OP, I sincerely commend you for explaining us how you truly feel because we do live in a very judgmental world and us, parents, are very often scrutinized in every little move we do. I read that you took some anti-anxiety pills and I wonder if the « numbness » you feel might be a consequence of the medication as well? I wish you courage and luck in your relationships and want to remind you that it’s okay if your child is not a « mini version » of you. They’re grown people just like you and probably will click with other people who have also common interests with them. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you provide what a parent has to provide to a child you’re doing what you can. I hope that you can find a therapy that will help you.

How old is he? Pre-teens/teens can make it extremely hard to get to know them, or have meaningful interactions with them. Attention is with friend groups and their own thing most of the time. It's easy to take family for granted at that age and not really care about interactions with parents. It will probably be much better as he becomes a full adult.

This definitely just feels like how that generation handled parenting. Based on the age gap, from the stories I’ve heard you either had a “breadwinner” dad who was never really around and didn’t participate or you had a dad you didn’t want to participate anyway because he subscribed to “traditional parenting methods”. You’re also late in life, so your desire to change (again clearly from what you’ve stated) is non-existent. But also, why should you need to change when you’re in your short years? I mean, that’s probably how you justify some of it in your head.

That all being said, I have a grown child now that I never see. His mother went off BC basically to try and get me to “do the right thing” and marry her. He looks almost exactly like me, so I’m sure that irritates her a lot. I don’t want him to have a bad life, but I also don’t think I would add anything to his life if we had a relationship now. He seems happy, and as long as he’s happy and thriving, I guess I don’t really care that much so I get why you might be apathetic.