for people who have children, do you tell them how proud you are of them? because of my upbringing, I'm reticent. I don't want them to think they're just a way to make me feel pride or that is the only way I'll love them. any insight is appreciated, because I'm so fucking proud of my kids.
Love the idea of proud of their efforts. That's so important.
Just adding a thought: tell people you're proud of your child, even when you don't think the child is around.
Some of the best, most memorable compliments I've ever gotten were ones I overheard when they thought I wasn't around, or were relayed to me by a third party.
Overhearing my grandfather, who had been a restaurant chef for over 60 years, brag about my cooking skills to his fellow restaurant workers, is something that still makes me smile every time I think about it!
What a lovely memory!
Emphasis on not just the parent being proud, but it mattering the kid is proud of themselves. Because learning to think about this means they'll be more confident and less reliant on external validation.
I was just thinking about this the other day! It really, really sucks that as RBBs we have to constantly question our parenting instincts. Even a healthy, natural impulse like this has to be interrogated, because our parenting role models were so disordered.
This podcast episode on praising kids really helped me. Basically, it's fine to praise your kids! As long as we are doing it in an authentic way, with the intention of sharing, human to human -- and not as a tool to manipulate them. E.g. looking your kid in the eyes in a quiet moment and saying, "You know, I am really proud of you. I think you're a really cool kid." is totally different from constantly telling them "I'm proud of you" every time they clear the table or get a good grade.
Personally, I think it's a beautiful thing for a child to know their parents are proud of them -- as long as, like you point out, it's not tied to their love, or specific accomplishments.
Every night before my son goes to sleep, I pray over him and then whisper: "I love you. You are so special to me. I love being your mommy. I'm proud of you. Good night." Which is all true. I haven't dissected it in therapy, but IMO the potential benefits of him growing up hearing that outweigh the potential risks.
Yeah, I find myself complimenting and praising my kids not so much for the good grades, winning awards stuff -- but more like "I noticed you helping your sister with her breast stroke so she would do well in the swim meet this week and I think it's awesome that you guys are so supportive of each other. It means a lot to me to have a daughter that is so kind." Compliment them for breaking up with the guy who doesn't treat them well, for including someone in an event who otherwise might be alone, for making plans and being independent. All the stuff that also lets them know that you see them.
I wish you were my mom! I teared up reading what you tell your son every night - you’re awesome! 🥰
Aw, thank you for the kind words!
Yes! I often say “I am so happy to be your mom,” because I feel like my uBPD mom was definitely not happy to be my mom, unless she could get something out of it.
I think it's really important to tell your kids you're proud of them, when they accomplish something significant, a milestone, overcoming a challenge, a personal goal, or just for existing.
My parents only told us they were proud of us when we did something BIG-- which is great. But parents should be proud of their kids for just being a good human and trying their best.
Tell them they should be proud of themselves. “Wow. You really put effort into that project and it shows! You must be so proud of the great grade you got! You deserve it!”
The thing with compliments/pride/whatever is that if you withhold them it can really mess a kid up. If you brag about them to others but never say a kind word = messes them up. AND if you shower them with constant vague praise, also mess them up.
The answer is to teach them to have pride in their own accomplishments, express pride when seriously warranted, and give specific compliments that are tied to their efforts. “You are so pretty” or “You are so great” says nothing about who your child is. “I saw you being really kind to that child on the playground. I bet they really appreciated that“ or “That was pretty brave of you to pet that dog. I saw how big it was and he seemed a little scary, but you went close anyway and it turns out he was really nice and gentle, just like the owner said!” both hit differently.
I was born with eyes this color. Telling me they are pretty doesn’t carry much weight. Telling me you love the outfit I picked out and that I look smashing in it will sustain me for weeks.
It's the other things you do that will back up this statement. Your kids will know that it's not a statement about you if you are loving and supportive otherwise. I wouldn't sweat it.
I just don't want to make it about me.
The way @flashyoutlandishness phrased it is important. Pride is good self-esteem, and that should be something internal, relying only on their opinion of themselves. You can let them know they can “feel proud of yourself for x.” The RBB ick factor is the idea that kids should make their parents proud. You are teaching them to be proud of themselves. You can even let them know when you are proud of yourself. “I’m proud of myself for making time to work out today.” If I were you, I’d be proud of yourself for checking in about a tricky parenting question. ❤️😁
aw...thank you
Yes, I do, but I make it broad. I try not to just express pride for very obvious accomplishments - you made a good grade, won your race, got into a great college, etc. (I definitely do acknowledge those things!) But I also try to say that I'm proud of her effort - acknowledge that just trying and putting yourself out there is hard and impressive. I try to tell her I'm proud for less obviously impressive things - navigating a tricky friend situation, dealing well with disappointment, etc.
I always felt like my mom's show pony. Like I existed for her to show off. I never felt like she actually knew ME or cared about getting to know me.
You cannot, and I can't say this enough, tell your kids that you love them and are proud of them too much. There are some ways that are better than others however. For example, kid does something smart. Rather than say "Oh, you are so clever" say something like "I was really impressed by your tenacity in solving this problem. The work you put into learning about this has really paid off. I particularly liked your lateral thinking when planning your project" Specific stuff like that. Then tell em you love em and are proud of em! Again!
I plan on using the phrasing “you should be so proud of yourself for that!” Followed by “i know im proud of you!”
Making the primary that they should be proud first and do things to please themselves before worrying about my approval or pride in them. And it’s ok to praise them “just because”. I’ll probably do that, too.
There's a big difference in being proud of them on the sense of appreciating and validating their work and behavior vs. being "proud" because you can get reflected glory by bragging about them.
I grew up with the second kind of proud. It was all about image and other people thinking they were good parents.
I tell my kids all the time that I'm proud of them, but they know from experience that I don't use them for my own image. To them, when I say I'm proud of them, it means I'm acknowledging that they worked hard or I'm praising them for doing the right thing.
You're raising your kids differently from how your folks raised you. They aren't going to interpret "proud" the way you do because you haven't demonstrated that meaning to them.
I sure do. I also compliment them on good work, or things like going out of their way to help someone or be gracious to someone. Positive reinforcement is good!
My mother literally never complimented or thanked us for anything. I promised myself as a kid that I would never be like that.
So I don't have kids but I used to teach parenting classes! It's been a while since I've done it but I do actually remember this specific lesson.
There are two types of praise, and you want to give kids a mix of each. There is praise for BEING, which is like 'i love you because you're my child' or 'i love spending time with you just because'. And then you have praise for DOING, which is 'you did so well on that test, I'm so proud' or 'you're such a talented artist'.
Praise for being teaches kids that they are loved just for existing, which is important for self-esteem. If you ONLY give praise for being though that could backfire as they feel their efforts are never praised, or it could lead to them being self-centered and unmotivated
Praise for doing teaches kids that trying hard will be rewarded, and that they're good at things. Also important for self-esteem. If you only praise for doing though, they may feel like they have to win your love through actions, which isn't fair.
So yeah! Praise good, but make sure it's balanced
I focus my praise on their efforts and things they control the outcome of. e.g., I am so proud of you (or you should be proud of yourself) for practicing your violin every night. You're really improving because you're working so hard. Not, I'm so proud of you for playing the violin.
As long as you're intentional with most of your praise, it will be fine.
Speak from the heart
I also second guess myself about this, a lot! Because my parents praising of me was and still is so dysfunctional.
I try to maintain a ratio of praise, where like 75% is me telling my kids I am proud of them for being good people (kind to others, self aware, setting good boundaries, non-violent communication), and 25% specific to an accomplishment that means a lot to them (getting good grades, doing well in sports, etc.)
I also agree with other posters about praising the effort and good habits.
I tell them I’m proud of them— but not for grades.
So more like:
I’m proud of you for sticking with [difficul task]. A lot of kids would have given up by now. Lots of adults too.
I’m so proud to have a kid that’s so kind. How you supported someone/ were kind / were thoughtful really shows your generosity.
I say it whenever I feel it to my child. Love, pride, happiness, admiring how beautiful she is. I tell her all the time shes beautiful and im proud of her for doing hard things, learning, being courageous, etc.
I tell my 3.5 year old that I am so proud of him and that he should be proud of himself. And sometimes I’ll ask him if he is, or if he knows I’m proud of him. I also tell him he is clever and kind and a good friend.
I like to think that we should reframe pride as an emotion that is individually owned and not by proxy. I.e. I'm proud of myself and others should be proud of themselves. This is a little tricky when it comes to children but we can say to our littles you should be really proud of that achievement well done you
or if this was my own work/drawing/creation I'd be super proud of it
I do. I also tell him I love him unconditionally. I tell him that he’s a good person. I tell him he is his own person. I tell him that it isn’t his job to make me look good. And I hope he knows that all of those things are true.
Assuming I could be sincere and specific as to why, I often told my kids how proud I am and still do. (I have two grown daughters). Following parenting recommendations I emphasized efforts over achievements.
Regarding love, IMO body language and behavior are superior to words alone. I said, “I love you,” of course, but also tried really hard to be present enough to light up when they entered a room, hug them for no reason (when they wanted one!), show them loving kindness and provide them with predictable daily attention and touchstones including family meals and reading books together at bedtime. I also think loving behavior includes apologizing, so I did that too when necessary.
That shits’s stressful and hard! I had to learn everything about being a parent while being an empty well myself. It was so easy to love my kids but the details—especially about handling all those emotions as they grew—were fuzzy. As hard as I tried, I made mistakes. If I had to do it over again I’d have had regular check ins with a therapist for parenting guidance. We all needed more support and information about how to be a ‘normal’ family. 😂 My therapist of five years said she learned in college that it takes three generations to heal the damage inflicted by a personality disordered parent and that’s only if all three generations are in regular therapy.
Ugh. I wish I had started therapy and gone no contact with my uBPD mother sooner.
I compliment my kid, I tell him I’m proud of him not just on awards or big efforts but subtly with the little things because it’s the little things that mean so much, being kind etc. I also own up to my own mistakes and I apologize to my kid. I try to learn from my actions. And lastly. I tell him I love him every single day so he knows. Even if I’m upset, even if he’s upset because of consequences, etc. it’s kind of like hearing that holding a baby will make them spoiled, (it does not). I’m the parent I wish I had. I’m a safety net that will allow me to teach my kid to take calculated risks. And I try to allow him to feel the emotions and consequences of actions. I am also trying to balance what I compliment or praise him for so he doesn’t feel the need to have to perform for my affection or love. But Im so proud and love the heck out of him!
I don't want them to think they're just a way to make me feel pride or that is the only way I'll love them.
The pendulum swung so far both over and under praise. All of it based on how I perceived myself through others' eyes. My daughters' eyes, co-workers, family's, and on and on... It was a horrible whirlwind of feelings. Then it dawned on my: the wonderful, amazing, talented, beautiful, loving, caring, kind (you see where I'm going), don't care how others perceive my praise. They knew I meant it. Then I realized that I don't care a hoot about what others (specifically BPDmom and family) think. It was freeing and it became more genuine over time. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Know that you are real and the love you have for your kiddos is not based on the BS you received in the past. You are good. No, you are great!!
Yes, constantly.
Absolutely yes, I do! For an alternative perspective, my mom was always jealous / resentful of me and my dad was emotionally stunted / absent. Neither were ever very vocal about being proud of me and at times it even felt they were insecure about my accomplishments. Your child will appreciate knowing you are proud of them because they will also know you love them unconditionally, even under more challenging circumstances. If they know they have your support through the good AND bad, nothing wrong with letting them know you’re proud! It’s also important to express pride for more than just accomplishments - like for trying something new, not giving up, being kind to someone, etc.
Yes! I tell them I’m proud of them all the time more importantly I celebrate them when they do something they are proud of themselves for.
Yes, I do. But I praise them for things like being kind, helping others, and hard work. And I don't shame them when things go wrong.
Yes, it’s very important that kids have positive reinforcement. If my son does some thing that makes me proud or happy or listens to me than I tell him that. I also say please and thank you. And I also discuss it with him if he does something wrong, but in a positive way. It’s very important children learn their coping strategies from us, their self identity their ability to go out into the world and part of our job is making them believe in themselves.
I ask my kiddo if he’s proud of himself after cheering at whatever awesomeness just happened. I’ll let slip that I’m proud of him but I always follow up with, “are you proud of you?” and make a bigger deal of his pride in his own achievement to avoid him putting too much value on my opinion. Or I’ll say something like “I am so excited with you” so it’s led by his feeling about it and not dependent on my own.
Sometimes he’ll tell me he’s proud of me for something and then say, very seriously, “you should be proud of yourself, mommy” 😭 yes lil man I should
(Hes 3 btw)
Thoughts:
Tell your kid how proud you are when they are working hard and not giving up…not just for an accomplishment.
If you’re not comfortable with saying it: Write how proud you are of them in a card.
Like others have said: tell other people how proud you are of your kid, even if they are/not around. This might help you work up to saying it, if you ever wanted to tell them yourself.
OR…avoid the word, altogether!
*I have no kids myself, but when I’m proud of my nieces, I usually make a “big deal” (not dramatic, just saying out loud in front of their parent or other family…maybe a side-hug, or even a look across the room) about “THIS kid started a really cool art project…!” Or “THIS kid started talking with a classmate who had no friends, now that kid talks everyday!” Or “THIS kid took herself to the potty ALL day!”
(I do the same thing with the kids I teach, and most kids seem to have a genuine “proud” smile/reaction with the “THIS kid” type annoucement. 😅)
As a young kid, I remember it wasn’t exactly the way someone said they were proud of me…it was definitely WHO said it. It was mostly the teachers I had who made me feel like I was loved or “enough”.
But my favorite way to hear a teacher talk about me (in a nice way) was when they were telling someone else about something I did. 💜
I tell them both and anyone else who will listen as often as I can.
Yes, I never heard it enough from my parents. I tell my kids I'm proud of them all the time. Not for only the big achievements though. If my toddler says please and thank you, I tell her I'm proud she used her manners. If my kid draws a picture. I'm proud of them. My kid will just know they don't have to TRY to make me proud. I'm simply proud of them for being them and I'll never not be proud to be her mama.
I tell my kids every night before bed that I'm proud to be their dad. I feel that this alleviates the pressure they may feel of me being proud of their accomplishments/achievements instead. To me, it sounds more unconditional.
Yes, I do. It’s so hard to parent kids when you don’t have good parent role models. My own parents only told me they were proud when I did things that made them look good. And would rip me to shreds with the slightest thing that they thought would make them look bad.
Most often I tell my kids that I am proud of their efforts instead of only being proud of their achievements. Or when they do get a good grade, for example, I will say “ you must be so proud of yourself. I know how hard you worked on that. That’s so awesome! I’m so happy for you.”