This is somewhat of a long story but I’ll try to keep it short and simple. During the pandemic my mother who was in her late 50s at the time and I was in my early 20s, were living in an apartment in Los Angeles. Just for reference I’m a student and my mother has multiple degrees including a PHD but has not had a steady job in over ten years. She received an inheritance after her parents passed away and used it to pay rent for a year at $2400 per month in 2022. By this time I had left for school out of state and hoped that she would have found a job and a cheaper place to rent but she did not. Her inheritance is now gone, she does not have a job she does do gigs and sells things on the side, she did say she applied for jobs and never heard back and blames her age for it, which I know can be a thing. Fast forward to January of 2024 she received a 3 day notice after not paying rent for a year since her inheritance ran out. She did not tell me until May about what was going on. I work full time and most of my money goes to school or bills as I live in an expensive city and have no help from any family. She is now living in her car and I’m not sure how I can help. She does not want to go to a shelter or rent a room. She wants to buy a van to convert but I’m not sure how safe that is. I offered her to come here and stay with me but she does not want to leave LA. She’s so far away and I don’t make enough to help her. Any advice is really really appreciated. I love her and I’m scared.
some people just gotta find their own way
You offered help. I was once where your mom is now and thankfully my sister offered to let me live with her, even though she lived several states away. I took her up on this and am forever grateful to her.
I'm sorry buddy, but this is the way. as people we must adapt, and since your mom refused some of your solutions, I think she's probably refused to apply for certain jobs.
When there's a will, there's a way. I begrudgingly accepted money from a co-worker so I didn't have to live in my car. you do what you gotta do.
This.
Why won't she leave LA?
She said she likes where she is and has a sense of community, she hates the cold weather of the east coast (where I am) I think more than anything she doesn’t want to change
Then she's going to remain how she is. Let her be.
There is no substance abuse involved? Alcoholism? Even a big change is less scary than homelessness.
None at all, she smokes some pot here and there but that’s it. No history of mental illness either but she could possibly be on the spectrum.
Does she want to work? Why hasn't she found any work at all?
I remember my grandma working at albertsons for the last 5 years she had until she could draw social security.
She’s applied for lots of jobs even things like Trader Joe’s and receptionist, retail etc. but I’m not sure if she would even take one if she got it. I think she wants to do more gig work and sell things.
Has multiple degrees including a Ph.D. but is applying to high school diploma level jobs? Something isn’t adding up. What were her degrees in?
The only thing I can think of is ppl bypassing her app if she has listed she has a phd. I have no degrees but have been told I was being passed as a regular cashier/worker due to my experience in management.
With a spotty employment history the Ph.D is actually a boat anchor in terms of getting her back in the work force, and we have no clue what it's in. Could be art history for all we know.
She should lie like a dog on her resume but I'm gonna lay money she doesn't really want to work.
As a man who dates in this age range you are not wrong. I am seeing more and more women in the 45-60 age range who either never married because they pursued their career in some social or psychology type of degreed job that never made more than $60K or they got divorced and thought the $300K split was going to last a lifetime. only to find 5yrs later that they are broke and months away from financial ruin. Its happening at a greater pace than ever with the inflationary economy we are in.
Tell her to sub at the school districts. She can pick which days she works. School is almost out but different districts/schools have slightly different schedules down there.
Wanting to be homeless rather than leave LA is mental illness. Being homeless will render everything she likes about LA completely moot and a sane person would see that.
The fact that she just let this situation happen, didn’t do anything about it, and didn’t tell anyone is also a sign of mental illness. As someone who has done this, it was overwhelming depression and anxiety for me! I don’t think your mom is competent to handle her own decisions right now.
Not sure what to do about it but I think just leaving her alone until she asks for help might not be the right answer.
I wonder how many different meanings there are to the word “community”?
I live in a different part of California where the word community is thrown around a lot. At the same time people are quietly removed from here. People who were born and raised here.
I think your mom made her peace with what’s going on as she was burning through her inheritance.
Now the good news. In certain aspects living in a van is safer than living in poor parts of LA. If she feels unsafe, she just has to turn her key. Compared to living I a fixed location… there’s advantages to being able to move by just turning the key.
I’m familiar with LA. Many times if one drives 15 minutes away they’ll never have to deal with whomever they don’t want to deal with again.
The 8 month window before she can collect Social Security… I think it’ll be good for her, if she’s capable of it, to ponder the next chapter in her life.
I’d rather live somewhere cheaper (Cincinnati, Chicago, Pittsburgh) vs dying on the hill of “community” and good weather but from the choices you’ve described your mom making, it sounds like she values things differently and or has some kind of disconnect with reality.
If you forget everything else I’ve said…
Living in a van is safe. If one is not safe, just turn the key.
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Cincinnati, Chicago, Pittsburgh... why those places?
The populations there peaked in the 1950s. Pittsburgh for example has 50% of the population today vs peak population. They won't hit peak populations again within our lifetimes. There's "excess" housing there.
LA and California... who knows when the housing will catch up the population? Will it happen fast enough for people who are in their 60s, 50s or 40s to benefit if the housing supply here in California will catch up?
Also that's a big IF. I can't imagine housing supply catching up in California. People with no money, no plans, no marketable skills, etc... see California as their only option of where to live.
edit spelling
There are other warmer states
OP, see if you can nudge her to send you her resume (she can use the public library for use of a computer). If she does (if she has one), make sure she's not listing high school graduation dates or anything related to her age. I've seen people put their D.O.B. and social and photos of their dogs on resumes, it's bananas.
Also, people really need to tweak their resume depending on what kind of job you're applying for, especially in this market. If she's applying for entry-level roles, she needs to remove any mention of multiple degrees, especially a PhD. They're going to look at her degrees and assume she's either looking for something temporary, or that she has some kind of underlying issue(s) where she's having to apply for a job she'd be considered overqualified, or at least, over-educated for.
Also, only put the last ten years on your resume. If she had a job years ago related to the one she's applying for, she can make mention of past experience in a skills section with bullets or add an asterisk without listing dates.
I see older people make the mistake of listing high school or college graduation dates from 30-40 years ago. Or they'll list every job they've had in the last 25 years, and the resume is three or four pages long. People don't even list their full address on their resume anymore, just town or city and state.
I'd be willing to bet it's probably her resume that's causing her to not get interviews. Try to keep the resume to one page, two at most. Keep dates to a minimum. Be prepared to explain job gaps. Focus on experience. Tweak the resume to add key words from the job description. Only list degrees if they're asking for a degree. If she's applying to NASA, list the PhD. If she's applying to Wendy's or The Dollar Tree, lose the college degrees altogether. That's not a knock to getting a job in either of those places, but those places are going to say, " why the bleep is this lady with a PhD wanting to work here?!"
If she hasn't worked for a while, she needs to lower her expectations. A LOT of folks have been laid off in the last couple of years, and most have had to apply for roles and titles they might be overqualified for. She may be applying for jobs where there's too much competition with folks who have worked ten plus years in their field, where she might have a degree but doesn't have consistent experience in the last ten years.
Get rid of any jobs where she was only there for a month or a few months. It's easier to explain a year-long gap; if they see that she's had say, three jobs in one year, they're going to say no thanks and toss her resume in the rejection pile.
Women's shelters (especially in a place like L.A.) would probably be able to provide her with some resources.
Finally, see if you can get her connected with a recruiting agency. They do all the screening, and some contractor jobs can turn into full-time roles. Or maybe she can find a part-time time role just to get her foot in the door.
It doesn't sound like you can get her to move across the country, but the best support you may be able to give her is to help her find a job. She obviously needs money, but also, if she's now living out of her car, she's probably socially isolating. If she's on the cusp of mental health struggles, being alone that much can exacerbate it.
I will send good thoughts her way. No one deserves to be homeless. And yes, people will point out that it's up to the individual to get help. That's true. But sometimes when we're unwell, we don't know where to begin - and it just begins to spiral downhill from there. I will be hoping she gets the help she needs and that she'll find a job, any job, to help get her back on her feet.
Not OP, but thanks for the resume tips!
How old is your mom? Can she get social security? Many older women live in minivans or larger on social security alone. Check out Cheaprvliving forum or YouTube channel. I do this myself. I recommend Quartzsite in the Winter and higher elevations in the summer. Freecampsites dot net can help too.
She turns 62 in 8 months and then she will be able to get social security, im worried about what can happen between now and then!
Do you know what her payment will be? Without a lengthy well paying career (sounds like she never made much) she won’t be getting much in SS. Especially for LA.
Here are a couple links that would be very helpful for your mom.
That last one is frequented by the people who tend to go to places like Quartzsite in the winter and the higher elevations in New Mexico and Arizona for the summer and it's packed full of invaluable information, as is Bob Wells' website and Youtube.
Edit: This is Bob Wells' Youtube channel, also full of invaluable information.
Maybe she can move into someone’s guest house in LA in return for taking care of their young kids.
Especially if she drives. There are people in LA willing to pay a person that sounds exactly like your mom (someone older, wiser, no threat to wife, and already raised a kid) to help them with their household. It would be a nice neighborhood and working with a family.
Frankly, the mom doesn’t sound mentally stable enough for high net worth nannying.
No one would hire her as a nanny even with cameras.
Why has she not have a steady job for over 10 years?
Where does she thinks she will get money for a van?
Seems like your mom has issues with accepting her situation. Not paying rent for a year, think she can buy a van. does not want to go th shelter or leave LA.
If she has a PhD she can try to apply for adjunct professor job both in person and online university. The pay won't be good but at least she will have income.
She got her degrees later in life when she was already in her 50s and claims “she’s aged out” she swears she applied for jobs and just doesn’t hear back. She didn’t have a job stating that “working on the degree was a full time job” as for the van she wants to either find one to rent or sell the car she’s in and use the money to buy it.
She could teach English online. A friend of mine is retired and does that. You only need a Bachelors.
Do you know how she got into it, if there is a website or something?
She works for VIPKid.
Thank you, I’ll check it out!
But yet, here you are, going to school and working full time.
I mean you really can't compare someone that's young and full of life on their grind. Compared to an older woman who's raised kids and had seen so much in life, that it's mentally worn her out. The older people get, most tend to lose that fire within them. And very few pick themselves back up and somehow turn it around. Once mother realizes that the only way things will change, is by enduring some uncomfortable situations. Then that's when things should start opening up but it's a fearful mindstate people get into as they age and lose hope.
“You really can’t compare someone’s grind” is the key words. OP’s moms old, poor and sounds single. Imagine grinding day and night knowing the chances of seeing Paris with the love of your life or retiring early and living on a farm or any stupid love story was slim to none and the reality is you are 2 steps away from dying on the Walmart floor as a shelf stocker. I’m not sure where people get there grind from but if it’s anything like mine, age is the factory that can keep me up 22 hours a day grinding for something cool in the future
Also places would rather hire younger people that they can pay less. Add in that older people generally have more health issues which impacts the company's health insurance and it's harder to get a job when you're older.
Then why go back to school to get a PhD? What was the plan? What is the PhD in?
FYI, I understand you're not OP and can't answer these questions. I am just saying.
What are her degrees in?
Industrial organizational psychology
She can get into management consulting with that degree.
That's what I went to grad school for. I didn't do well, but I blame instutuonal rigidity. I'm impressed she's holding an advanced degree in that field.
sell the car she’s in and use the money to buy it.
Vans can be hard to find because so many people want/need to live in them now. I can't imagine trying to rent one. Does she mean rent a campervan? That might be almost as much as renting a studio apartment. Or more.
A minivan can be made to be livable. I picked up a 1997 Grand Caravan at the end of 2021, ripped out the seats in the spring, set it up to camp in and went out on some trips to see if I could live in it if I had to. Turns out it was quite do-able and not really uncomfortable.
Who is going to buy the van? Sounds good in theory but if she is expecting you to buy it, then no is appropriate.
I think she wants to sell the car she’s living in now to buy a van
Would selling her car be enough for a van?
Not sure exactly what it’s worth but I would say it would be around $5000
Honestly this doesn’t sound like enough. Plus the timing would have to be perfect. She would have to sell and have a van lined up to buy that day.
In theory I can see where she thinks this a good idea but in reality this probably won’t happen.
I know you love your mom and you have offered solutions but at this point you have to tell her that this doesn’t make sense. She needs tough love.
The timing is the issue more than anything. I’ve told her already and she doesn’t listen i fear I’ve done all I can do.
You have done as much as you can. I don’t really have any great advice but I have been in this situation with my mom and children before.
Basically it turned into me giving advice (shutting their ideas down). They weren’t happy but I also have to consider my life and future. When I was in my 20s I didn’t do this and caused me problems in the future.
Telling her that you love her and that you don’t agree with decision or support it may open her eyes.
I'm 50, been applying for jobs left and right. To date haven't had one call or interview. Once you hit a certain age I think most places look over you.
This is very true!. Some of the advice here includes “bootstrapping” language which doesn’t work as easily for people over a certain age. Age discrimination is real! OPs mom might not be able to find just any job, especially if the hiring manager sees her educational background and decides she’s overqualified
Honestly, mom sounds like a lazy mess and if I had to guess she was probably being supported by a partner or her parents, did you all miss the fact that she has not worked since her 40's?! OP, stop wasting your time trying to help someone that clearly does not want help, she's happy to not work and live on the streets, let her.
How do employers figure out the age ? There’s got to be a way to conceal it at least until an interview.
Your past jobs and dates on resumes will date a person. I am also having a hard time finding work. It has been a couple of months trying now, and no luck. I have tons of experience in lots of areas also. Still no call back.
Some jobs also require you to fill out an application on which you have to give the dates of college graduation in order to submit it. Also, they can google a person's name and general location. It's very easy to find out someone's age (unfortunately).
My resume (I just changed btw) used to have something to the effect of 35 years experience.
R/urbancarliving and the minivan lee show on YouTube. https://youtube.com/@minivanlee?si=2xVazx0G9vfORH5G
She's only 50. She's grown and she can help herself. And she's not alone and there are lots of resources if she really wants to do this. It'll be okay.
At over 60, she is considered a senior for many social programs in California. The first step would be to sign her up for welfare and food stamps. That would then be a spring board to Medi Cal to pay for medical care. All of this can be done over the phone or online for her. I then would tap her into social programs that target older adults. She could then get a caseworker to help her and you could fill them in and pass her off. There are lots of food programs, senior only housing, and even day centers. Being a homeless older adult will push her up on many housing lists. Good luck.
r/eldercare has good advice, including stuff about long distance care
there are social services available for people over 60, including help with housing and food.
r/homeless and r/vagabond and r/urbancarliving all offer support for people evicted
tbh, living in a car in LA is better than living in a car where's there's snow. i mean it's doable. people get memberships at planet fitness for showers. find friends that have safe parking. couch surfing might work.
only eight months until social security? maybe ask her to go to a ss office to confirm her dates so a budget can be calculated.
there's food stamps for most people unemployed, and no work requirement for over 55 or 60. you can even be homeless and still get aid for food, and free healthcare in cali. you can apply online.
she might need a storage locker. and a mailing address. you can get a post office box, or a friend that will accept mail, as it would be better if it was local.
If your mom has a PhD, she's smart enough to figure things out. Don't sacrifice your well-being to try to save her.
She made the choice to let it get to this point. She's not a victim of anything. She wasn't taken by surprise. She could have downsized and spent her inheritance more wisely to make it stretch. She could have gotten a job, even if it wasn't in her field, to supplement her inheritance. She could have asked for help a year ago when she ran out of money and stopped paying rent. She could have bought a van with the last of her inheritance, if that's what her "homeless plan" was. She can still ask her LA friends for support or go to a women's shelter. She can do the research and find better options, but for some reason she's choosing to live out of her car and play the victim. You can't do anything to help someone who won't do anything to help themselves.
Damn..I resonate. My mom has been homeless for years. It breaks my heart…but there’s nothing more I can do to help. I don’t have any advice but I want to share that you’re not alone even though this experience feels very alienating
Does your mother have a history of mental health issues? It feels like there could be something more going on.
Was going to say this. OP, don’t mean to scare you but it sounds like your mom could be struggling. A number of mental health issues include losing touch with how things work and creating a plan for the future that doesn’t necessarily make sense logically. Moreover, her lack of motivation to receive help (which also shows in the fact that she neglected to pay rent for a year without looking for other options) is also troubling.
Everyone saying “let her be” is somewhat wild to me. At the end of the day she’s your mother. Figure out a way to get through to her, one way or the other. God forbid if anything happened to her in this state, you will feel a sense of regret and guilt which may take years to overcome.
My advise, keep reaching out. Figure out if she has any friends in LA that may be able to help her out. She might not be a in a good mental state, sometimes all it takes is an extra push, never give up on family, especially your moms
For sure it's harder. At the same time our local box stores, grocery stores etc are full of older adults who've gone back to work due to inflation pressures. She should be able to at least do that. Isn't CA now paying $20/hr in chain restaurants? That would at least pay for a room and some essentials.
My husband is in IT and early 60s. My biggest fear is if he got laid off he'd never get the same pay and getting anything would be really tough unless someone in his network got him something.
Applications years ago were not allowed to ask age/birth date, has that changed? because that is age discrimination. Are you sure she's applying?
She told me she’s applied but maybe she hasn’t. I even sent her many jobs / places that I know are open to hiring people her age. I’m scared that maybe she doesn’t want to work. I don’t know. Or maybe she is applying and just isn’t getting responses.
I think there's something going on you don't know. If she doesn't want to leave her 'community/social circle' where is that circle that she has to sleep in a car?
She might be depressed, does she sound her 'normal'? There is such a thing as Early Onset Dementia, Adult onset ADHD.
Has she worked enough to get Social Security before all this? Taking SS at 62 gives her only roughly 2/3 of what she would get at 67. The dollar amount is fixed for life, it won't go up at 67. Was/is she married? If your Dad died she should be eligible for Survivor Benefits.
I think she told me she looked into social security and she would get around $900 if she gets it at 62. Which could be enough to rent a room but she really wants to do the van thing.
I guess she'll do what she wants to do. Just don't cosign for anything. The van thing is not so horrible with a nice van but those are extremely expensive. I looked a couple of years ago because my son was thinking about it. $60K and not even loaded. He's forgotten about it and just signed a lease for a 2/2 after he moves. Currently has a 3/1.
Maybe if you do some 'window shopping' online and send her links she'll change her mind when she sees how expensive it is.
Maybe she has a friend in LA she can stay with, and a friend or two outside of LA that could chip in $200/mo for 6mo (maybe it’s easier over time to chip in a payment to help) and pre-agree it stops.
Then she gets 6mo of shelter with a friend getting a few hundred for the room.
Then hopefully, in 6 months, your mom finds a way to at least rent a room somewhere comfortable for her and try to improve from there. That’s time to apply to roles she can do. Etc. Just more time in a state that will help her get stabilized.
So just to clarify she feels a “sense of community” in a place where none of her social circle is willing to let her couch surf/help her while she’s homeless?
Also I gotta comment on I still can’t believe the amount of full grown ass degree having adults there are still financially illiterate
You gave her options, pretty good ones honestly. I wouldn’t continue to beat yourself up or worry yourself to death (easier said than done, I know). Maybe just leave the offer on the table because after another week or two of living in her car she might suddenly become more “open” to the idea of moving in with you for while.
You’re a really good person.
Are you an only child?
Yes!
I like your Mom
she’s def in denial considering she had a year to reach out before her notice, she must be really struggling, you should be more firm and force her to come live with you, if that doesn’t work i’d prob start mourning
It's not your job to rescue your mom from a lifetime of bad choices and decisions she made as an adult. Help if you can, always, but if she doesn't take your help it's her problem.
Living in a van is not a bad option these days there are communities just for it now everywhere
The additional assistance mom needs is mental health.. she may be very bright but declining. She may lack the will/confidence to rebuild, work, that whole cycle all over again. Does she have friends,family, siblings willing to assist. It sounds like her will to "survive" the daily struggle is weighing her down, maybe depression, or other diagnosed health issue. Continue to lend your help however you can from a distance, but encourage her to get the help and make incremental plans each day that help to secure her financial well being.
You offered what you have to offer and she turned it down, you can’t do anything more.
You can help her buy a van. To help an adult person, it's good to secure them first and accept their own decisions, and you are here to help. Maybe, she will move in with you later, and it will be easier for her , because you prove you are not going to decide for her...
Tell her again to bunk with
she can sell her car to get a flight.
If I were you, I would consider flying to LA. She's in a crisis
Your mom is an educated adult who is making their own choices.
She can go teach English in a foreign country with a degree
I’m not sure a 60+ year old would be hired for that
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I agree. I’d never let this happen to my mom.
I’m sorry, what would you do in this situation ?
Hopefully she can get resources. I would imagine she is in touch wuth some of them
You want to give her shelter and she is refusing. But it's probably because she doesn't want to be a burden. I'm not saying this is right but I would forcefully bring her to my house if I were you. I would tell her she isn't a burden and if she considers me as her kid then she needs to come with me right now. That just me tho
I do live with roommates that would have to be okay with it and flights to where she is are expensive so it would be around $1200 to bring her here and I don’t have that kind of money. Even if I went there I don’t think she would come with me. :/
multiple degrees and a phd and can't get a job? you can lead a horse to the most pristine mountain lake there is - but you still can't make it drink
Ehh typical boomer, just need to pull up those boot straps and work a bit harder and maybe someday she’ll get that mansion or extra car. But seriously if she doesn’t want to seek out assistance or even help from the government via an assistance program then that’s on her to figure out.
Apply for some jobs for your mom! She needs a job, help her get one.
How was your Mother's Day?
Take a deep breath and accept it. life's a bitch.
Cry if you need.
I hate to say it, but if you offered to help your mom, and she refused it, there’s not much you can do here. She has to come to the conclusion that she needs help, by herself. Then, you could step in and help her.