My wife hates our son

My wife hates our son. I hate her for it. He’s just a 7-year old boy but she says the most vile soul crushing things to him that no child should ever hear from their parent. She wonders why he prefers my company to hers.

She acts like a spoiled brat. Honestly, she acts like a teenage girl pissed off that her baby brother is getting more attention than she is.

I try my best to diffuse bad situations when they happen and I try to be fair and call it like I see it.

Honestly when she goes off on him for no reason, I have to fight back a powerful urge to just beat the holy hell out of her for being so mean and cruel to him.

My son has ADHD. My wife had BPD. This makes for a very terrible relationship. The boy merely existing is enough to set her off some days. Sometimes he pushes her buttons and I get it and I stand with her when he does that. Most days though he’s minding his own business and she finds excuses to scream at him which leads to us screaming at each other.

I’m worried she’s screwing him up mentally and I’ll spend my golden years talking to him through glass at a prison because he’ll be so messed up.

I don’t dare try to take him and leave because I’m male which means the courts are already stacked against me. I’m more useful to my son when I’m available all the time rather than just when she says so. And she would keep him from me just to spite me and his situation would get so much worse.

I hate my wife. She’s such a mean person.

in offmychestby Need_2Vent

2.4K

95%

22d

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throwawayddd333www

4.0K

22d

Hey, I was the kid in almost exactly this situation.

Here's a few very, very likely truths.

1) However she is when you're there, she's likely 10x worse when you're not. Check for signs of injury on your son.

2) Yes, she is screwing him up mentally. I've been diagnosed with c-PTSD. As a grown adult I've been sent into a crying fit because someone unexpectedly opened a door behind me. I have to take multiple medications to manage my anxiety and function as a human being. I still get nightmares. I still think about killing myself at least once a week.

3) It will get worse when he reaches puberty.

4) You are damaging your relationship with your son, and that damage will be irreparable if you don't take action now. I have a good relationship with my dad now, but even to this day there's some part of me that doesn't trust him, because of all the times he did side with her when I was young. Honestly, I don't know if I fully trust anyone.

If you love your son, leave her, and get him out of this situation now. The courts aren't nearly as "stacked against" you as they were when my dad was raising me.

thefuckeryofityall

975

22d

I would like to add to #4 with a different perspective, because I wasn’t lucky enough to have a parent who spoke up for me.

As an adult, I asked my mother why she never tried to make our abusive situation better. Her response was because she had become content with her situation, and was upset with me because I pushed back against it instead of conforming to the normality it had become.

I still struggle, to this day, with the repercussions of my childhood, and would never wish the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness I struggle with on anyone.

monkeyvoodoo

276

22d

The feeling of worthlessness, and literally being told you're property and have no rights or autonomy is really tough to work past, after growing up with that.

Drops-of-Q

22d

Being a perfectionist because any tiny bit of valid criticism makes me feel like I am not worth anything.

foldinthechhese

22d

Man that fucking hurts to read. Shitty parents make me so angry. At least they didnt try to rationalize it and basically said I’m just selfish. I hope they are no longer in your life. I hope in your lifetime you can figure out how to undo all of the hurt and destruction they caused you and your psyche. I usually don’t wish a horrible death on anyone, but if it has to happen to someone, I hope it’s them. I don’t really have any comforting words, but I want you to know that none of this is your fault and you deserved so much better out of your parents.

shitsenorita

108

22d

Just want to say that I see you and feel this. Sending a hug, fucker!

monkeyvoodoo

132

22d

I worry this will come across as overly dramatic, but…

I experienced similar and cannot agree with every point in this take more. In my case, my dad just noped out of everything and spent all his time at work, avoiding dealing with the absolute shitshow going on daily at home. In my case, everything was compounded with being homeschooled, which meant there was no escaping the chaos. Everything resulted in my mom going further off the rails as time went on, and antognising me incessantly in order to make a point of how awful I was when my dad finally came home after work. I was the enemy and the sole focus of the absolute worst of unchecked mental health issues. "10x worse" when you're not there is accurate, at least in my case.

It absolutely got worse after puberty, because at that point I was "a man" and only dad could beat me badly enough, so everything that was happening prior went super mega ultra "my son is my mortal enemy" stupidity. Think spending hours with a bully literally beating you with a shoe so that when you finally grab the shoe and throw it aside, that's an attack that needs dealing with via a beating. Which apparently was easier for my dad to do than deal with the actual problem. What I would've given for a dad who actually tried to pay attention while all hell was going on every day.

Toxic people need to want to change for anything to actually get better, but unless they're forced to deal with the consequences of their behaviour, there's little to no chance of that happening. I moved out the first chance I got, and after my younger siblings left, my dad finally ended the relationship. My mom never really changed. She'd talk like she loved me and would try to act normal in order to keep some semblance of normalcy alive (for her), but any time I actually spent time around her, it was straight back to hating me for no reason. I finally realised there wasn't any point in me putting effort in, and am finally getting to some point where I can feel halfway normal after just cutting her off completely. Supporting your son matters in such a serious way I don't think I can express it well enough.

I've chosen not to ever have kids because I don't trust myself to not carry my experiences into parenting my own child. OP can fix this situation one of two ways: force change, or leave the situation. I don't see forcing change working too well.

adibork

22d

Wow how did you recover so well?

monkeyvoodoo

22d

Took… a long time. And there's still things I have to work through.

adibork

22d

I’m just getting started and this has consumed much of my life

monkeyvoodoo

22d

Best wishes. Stay strong, and work on dealing with things as they come. It's a process, but it's doable. Therapy can also help quite a bit, if you haven't already considered that.

moonweasel906

22d

Im so sorry this happened to you. You sound like my eight-year-old nephew. My sister has BPD and she also homeschools him, because he has multiple severe life-threatening food allergies and school is not a safe environment for him yet. She has her moments where she’s normal, but I know that she takes it out on him because his disability has made life a lot more stressful for her. I trigger her greatly and it’s hard for me to have a close relationship with her like we used to, she’s gotten worse as she has gotten older. I’m glad it seems like you have grown up and been able to deal with it, I pray the same thing for my nephew. Im so scared for how things are going to be for him as an adult when he has to carry around all this baggage and nobody can get through to help him until he’s a little bit older because she would never ever let that happen

monkeyvoodoo

22d

It's been a journey, but I'm managing. Thanks for the kind words. :)

Oribeun

21d

I'm just a stranger on the internet but I wanted to say I'm really proud of you, your vision and reflections are really admirable .

phard003

22d

However she is when you're there, she's likely 10x worse when you're not. Check for signs of injury on your son.

Jeez, this hit way too close to home. OP if you value your child's safety and mental well being, please remove him from the situation ASAP. No matter what you do, staying in the relationship will always equate to you valuing her over his well being in his eyes.

newt_flakey

170

22d

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, and am undergoing a plethora of treatments alongside a prescribed medication. My mother has BPD and my father stayed with her “for the kids.” When the truth is both of my parents ruined my childhood. My mother in ways I can’t reconcile, and my father in ways I understand but also don’t. Looking back, I don’t think my mother had the wherewithal to even fight for my sister and I in court had my father actually taken us and left. At worst, she hated our guts, and at best, she hated them silently. I would be a much happier adult had I had at least one advocate as a parent.

bagagwa

22d

Omg this is so relatable. I’ve never seen it put into words like this. It’s spot on for me.

Artemesia123

22d

I'm taken aback to read these comments, it's the first time I've seen my own life experience described so vividly by others. I can confirm that a child being hated and belittled by their caregjver (for me it was my stepmother and my dad was often away) has affected most aspects of my adult life negatively. Like others, I have CPTSD. I'm so much better than I was, mainly due to developing a deeper understanding of it all and why I am who I am now, thanks to years of excellent therapy. One thing I fundamentally know, get that child away from that situation. His development is being fundamentally affected by this situation. It's never too late to start trying to change his trajectory. No good can come from this current situation, for anyone involved.

helpigot

22d

I was also this child. I always wondered why my mother hated me and I dad ask when I was an adult. She said I was hard to love. She just didn’t like me. I asked my Dad why he never stopped it. He said she always had stories about how terrible I was. And she is the adult. He should have been able to believe & trust her. I love my father but don’t see him often due to my mother always there. I don’t hate her but I don’t want anything to do with her. When she had cancer two years ago she would tell anyone who would listen how cruel I am not to visit her. Hurt my relationship with my sisters & father. I told them if she needs something I’ll send it but I am not going to hold her hand. I work hard on my relationship with my kids & husband.

liam7575blahblahblah

22d

3) It will get worse when he reaches puberty.

This is a big reason my ex-girlfriend broke up with me as my son grew closer to puberty.

She had (undiagnosed at the time) Bipolar when she sent her teenage sons to live with their dad. They are grown adults now and they have a good relationship.

As soon as my son (who we only had part-time then) started to display symptoms of ADHD & ASD (both now diagnosed) she started to show resentment towards him and told me "he'll be much worse when he reaches puberty" she started spending the weekends that I had my son over at her friends' house and eventually broke up with me. I was paying the mortgage but only her name was on the title so I had to go.

She was right though. He moved from his mother, step-father & their three little kids, into my place full-time at 12 and soon started throwing destructive tantrums. By the time puberty kicked in his behaviour became even worse.

I work very hard to get him the support he needs while my own mental health deteriorates every day.

I know this wasn't the point of your your comment but that line stood out to me and it is very true.

It took a suicide attempt for my ex to finally get a Bipolar diagnosis and she still struggles but I know if we were still in her lives full-time it would have gotten much worse for her.

tenderourghosts

22d

I was also the kid in this situation. My parents split up twice and each time I would plead to go stay with my dad, but he felt it would be “unfair” to my mom. With him being gone, though, there was no longer any sort of mediator for her rage spells which meant I was the sole recipient. Proper fucked me up for a very long time. I still hear all of the awful things she would say to me and on my worst days, I still fall apart over it. I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of love for a very long time because of how little she ever showed me when I needed it the most.

Protect your son, please. Your wife needs professional help and your son needs to feel safe and loved.

inmate655321

22d

That kid was me as well except I was just ignored instead. Great parents

FranciumSenpai

22d

Also wanted to comment that I relate too. I'm nonbinary, so not a "son", and my parents were divorced for most of my childhood, but it more or less was a similar dynamic for me. My mom would randomly fly off the handle and if that didn't affect me the first time then she'd resort to just constantly name calling me or hitting me or whatever else. She'd always threaten to leave or say that she wished she left me at the hospital or (more recently in the years since i came out to her) that she wished she died in childbirth when giving birth to me. Always unprompted, always unneeded, etc. For me what tarnished stuff with my dad too was that my mom always poisoned me against him and then later on when I was emotionally mature to ask him what happened between them, he more or less revealed that he knew she was abusive and he just left as a result. Didn't think about taking me and my twin with him.

The PTSD sucks. Took a while for it to be diagnosed as such, that's for sure. It's gotten a bit easier to manage with time, but not a year has passed in my life where I don't suddenly wake up from my sleep because I had a nightmare where someone (usually my mom) is trying to end me. I'm rarely comfortable in a room that has the doors open or when someone is pacing. Sudden loud banging sounds or shouting makes me want to panic, scream, and cry still here and there. Super hard to trust a single word that comes out of my dad's mouth, even if it's "I love you".

It sucks for us, but with time, we learn to manage a bit. The nightmares have happened less for me, that's for sure. Used to be almost every night, just last month I had a full month of 0 nightmares and that was so wild. Gotta love the therapist I'm with now, made so much progress. I hope OP leaves the mother and takes his son with him too. I'd hope the last thing he wants is for his son to be questioning if his dad really truly means it when he says "I love you, son".

SaltArmadillo2739

22d

To add: for a long time I considered my dad the good guy, another innocent victim. During EMDR, I realised that my dad failed me almost as much as my mother. He saw what was happening and did not protect me. His complicity was different to my mother's active abuse, but she couldn't have done it without him. We have an ok, but distant, surface relationship now. But to be honest, I don't think I'll ever forgive him.

OP, you probably won't be allowed to visit him in your golden years if you stay on this trajectory.

giga_booty

22d

OP, I want to add to this:

Document all abusive behavior. Be diligent to record what happened and when going forward.

If/when the time comes that you’re ready (or need to) leave, you have a mountain of evidence on your side that you should be the one to take your son.

HerWildestDreams

22d

I can relate to this all too well. For me, it was my step-dad. My mother saw it daily, sometimes she'd step in, but usually he'd go off and I'd live in my bedroom. I wouldn't come out when he was home, except to use the bathroom, eat, or go to school/come home. I never had friends over, I went to their place.

He did change. Far far too late, CPTSD here too. I do a lot of fawning, but I am slowly building my backbone. But it took a stay in jail for him to realize what he was doing. He'd laid hands on my mother one night while I was in the garage smoking. (26/27?) I didn't hesitate, and called the cops. When he came home the next day, he sat me down and apologized PROFUSELY for his behavior. He's walking me down the aisle in July. I guess I want to throw that in there as a small ray of hope.

Unfortunately, I don't think OPs wife could change. And maybe that's because my own exposure went on so long to that kind of abuse. I am really hoping OP gets his feet in the ground. Look into state laws about leaving with your kid in cases where children are at risk from the partner. Better yet, contact a lawyer. Tell her nothing. I'm praying for you and your son.