I'm grieving. Why isn't she?

My mom was the same way up until her last breath I‘m afraid. I know I would not have had the willpower to stay NC if I had one of those Mothers who tried to get in touch with me though, so it’s for the best. I’m glad she is gone, now I don’t have to wonder anymore. I never had a mother, and never will. I’m glad I don’t have to spend an hour looking for a card that doesn’t make me gag. Or waste money on a gift that she will either throw away or leave in the package somewhere.

I find for myself I'm not grieving my actual mom, I'm grieving a mom that I wanted and needed. My mom could 100% change and it's too late for us. My feelings towards her are unrepairable.

You're grieving for a mom you needed. We have this idea in our head of what that should be. Nparents take that to a whole new low. They don't care. I don't know why. I wish mine did. No one can love her more than her beer and herself. I went NC in February, it sucks. Bc I want her to care. She never has, never will.

I learned that grief is just the love we are unable to give. And having a n-parent you grieve the parent you wish you had. It’s tough. I cried on holidays when my nmom first moved and cried even harder because I knew even if I wanted my mom to comfort me that’s outside of the boundaries that she’s capable of doing. I always looked for mother figures and even had my SIL tell me that she’d be my mom figure which as sweet as it is in my head the person I want to be my mom doesn’t exist. It looks like the person that birthed me but instead of a heart of gold and arms of comfort she has a snake tongue and dark eyes and always 50 ft away.

Stages of grief aren’t linear. I’m currently stuck between acceptance and anger. They won’t ever grieve unless you surpass their insane levels of expectations. Take time to breathe, take 5 min to cry, but know you’re better than she is. You have feelings and kindness. Love you want to give instead of lack of love. And in my book, the expression of love is something so powerful it can change everything. I hate we struggle with this and we all deserve better. I hope you heal in a healthy way- and please take care of yourself. You’re important regardless of her opinion.

Because the main reason she is an abusive person in the first place is because she lacks empathy and emotional intelligence.

That’s why.

For people with lack of empathy, emotions towards others are toned down. In some cases nonexistent. Un-empathetic people cannot love, they can be possessive to a degree where it imitates love but never quite enough it won’t hurt you.

Narcissistic mother in law is no contact with us for about the same time frame.

About 8 months ago she reached out to me, saying hi, long time.

Wife thought I had seen a ghost with how shocked I was. Show her that her mother contacted me.

We talked about it, I responded hi, yes it’s been a long time, but you should be unblocking your two daughters and be contacting them first.

She responded that she didn’t know what facebook accounts they use in order to use facebook messenger.

To which I responded back saying have you tired calling them?

And cue a long rant about how no one cares about her and that she didn’t respond for me to grill her.

Then asking if she can meet her daughter in a quiet park, and could she contact her directly.

Wife sent her a message detailing a few things, haven’t heard anything back in 8 months. Last month she posted on facebook about how she was having an amazing time with her god daughter.

I’m sure your mother will give a fuck, but won’t be able to come to terms with her own actions. Which is why she will seem like she’s not bothered.

So what you are grieving the idea of a mother you won’t have. As she can’t be that person.

If you feel the way I do, you are grieving the relationship you wanted but never had. And if your mom is anything like my mom, she makes herself look like a martyr and the victim. So she won’t want to make things better. Why would she change things? My mom doesn’t think she has ever done anything wrong in her life, everything is someone else’s fault. She is the best person ever! Everyone loves her! LOL NOT Try to surround yourself with people that love you for you! Make your own family Honestly from someone who’s lived with this her whole life. You are better off without her, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. It will all makes sense later Feel free to DM me if you need more support

I cut my mom off a year ago, after almost 25 years of trying to have some sort of relationship with her. I hate Mother's day for the fact that she was beyond selfish. I hate how everyone else had a great relationship and a Happy childhood, and yet I continue to suffer in silence because nobody fucking understands. I hate that the ONLY person who listens to me costs $140 per session because our Healthcare system is goddamn atrocious. Good people don't exist, and I just wanna give up.

We grieve an illusion. We grieve the mom we desperately needed but know we can never have. We hope beyond hope. I yearn for a soft, caring, cuddling mom and all my life tried to find that in the wrong people. In adulthood, I have had to be that parent for myself. At first I resented having to do it, if I am being totally honest. But I am capable of being there for myself in a way no one else can. I can say to myself the exact things I need to hear because no one knows my pain like I do. Only I have every memory, every feelings, every backstory. I believe my pain wholeheartedly, like no one else can. We're in contact again, but I question every word, every action. There is no trust. I'm focused on boundaries and healing and recovery after every conversation. What kind of a relationship is that?

Find a surrogate mom!!! Don’t even tell them they’re a surrogate and remind yourself that this is just a role they play As a big sister, mentor or like a mother figure. Don’t get over attached but just have fun with it! ❤️‍🩹

I’m a man, let the the trauma shape you into a indestructible badass. Bright side of it; I have been perfectly molded for a extremely difficult combat career in the military. I suggest you stop looking at it as a curse and start looking at it as a super power. You are mentally stronger than most people will ever be.

Idk, she might be. Honestly I would actually prefer she didn’t get in touch with me occasionally. It’s been maybe 5 or 6 years and she’s tried to contact me maybe 3 times in that.

Once was through a Facebook post. One of those ones with text over a pretty background about “what a mother’s love means”. I responded by saying “if thats your definition of love, then you never loved me.” She removed the post

Another time was one of those “hi how are you?” Messages that pretends like everything is ok.

The third one was an email talking about love (again, generic) and that’s she’s “sorry for everything”. That’s it. That was all the detail. I didn’t even bother responding because we all know that if I were to get into details of the apology, that it would not go well.

I haven’t deleted the email. Sometimes I wonder whether I should reply. Say how I felt about certain actions or behaviours, to tell her just one more time how I wish she would just treat me with some basic respect. I’m just done with having the same conversation that goes nowhere, at best. Instead I pray that I never have to deal with her in any way, unless it’s to get some inheritance. It would be nice to get something positive out of her

they lack empathy and to one degree or another are also sadists

Because to them it’s just a game. You’re trying to move on & part of that is grieving for what could have been & her disappointing all the expectations you had of a parent. She probably is pissed that you took away control & thinks you’re an immature person who’ll eventually come to your senses & re-establish contact. According to her she’s done nothing wrong so she’s just waiting to extract revenge once you re-establish contact.

It’s a loss—hope is dying.

It took 5 years of grieving for me to feel like I’ve accepted the situation. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

I feel the same with my dad

Oh, how I know the feeling.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sending love your way, as someone else with so much love to give, and nobody there to appreciate and reciprocate it.

I remember worrying so much about my mom when there were fires around, and the sky was red. Her copd and her health. The pandemic was at the point of lock downs. I was so scared for her, but she had me blocked because I didn't cater to boundary-crossing demands.

The last mothers day I had with her, we had been back in contact a little while, but she rejected my gift. She said she didn't feel well enough to see me, so my tradition of planting a sungold for her was gone on my last mother's day with her. I'd even gotten to where I'd made a mobile raised bed for her, as she was bedridden and missed sungold tomatoes.

Now she's gone, and damn it, I'm heartbroken and relieved at once. At least she's not here to wreak havoc and then need care that id end up giving her in old age, since she went at age 62. But I want my mommy. I just want her healthy. Why did my mom have to have a personality disorder and the addictions that followed?

For what it's worth, I've gained a circle of women who take turns being motherly, and have gained a motherly internal voice (in a good way! I've quieted the bad motherly voice!) In the few years since I lost her for good, I've grown a lot, and spiritually she's become the perfect mom in my mind, because I believe she escaped the broken brain she was in. I can hear the perfect mother voice in her.

You deserve the true love of a mother in all ways. I'm sorry you didn't get that. If you want to, feel free to reach out in DM. I'm 43 and have gone through it for awhile before getting here, and can probably relate to a lot of what you're going through as I've been there. Maybe I can be big sisterly

my mom and dad would be so happy if i were dead. they never cared when i got nearly sa'd by an unknown man and i broke my rib and shoulder. i had a terrible ptsd and illness after that. i was getting up every night unable to sleep, and asking for help. all they did was telling me schizophrenia is bad. i was like i am not schizo. i had terrible acid reflux and developed stress ulcer in my stomach. i asked for therapy and they were like okay but never took steps to do that. i suffered from a severe tonsil infection right after, and it got to the point my tonsils started bleeding. they didn't even take me to the doctor (it was during covid).

they only showed interest when i was getting harassed at work by men because they thought it was some juicy drama. it happened a few months later when that ptsd incident started to dissolve. yeah, talk about getting fucked by life. i was a teen back then (in both of these scenarios). they never cared to help me.

back in 2023, i had food poisoning when i started working as i used to get lunch from work. i haven't been this unwell since 2021 but they made it seem like i'm always miserable and wouldn't be able to take care of them when they get older. they were screaming at me while i was all alone in bathroom crying, vomiting and feeling dehydrated.

i do grieve for this but at this point, i don't even care. also, i started hating myself. i never understood how much i hate myself until recently. now i know exactly why people who never got love from their parents show signs of harming/unaliving themselves

I'm 55, and until recently, I was taking care of my elderly covert narcissist mom. She has successfully used triangulation to separate her girls from her boys. She has been lying to everyone about her finances and her health. When she decided to use me to manipulate my sister into giving her a significant amount of money, I finally got the information I needed to break with her. In all of my life, I have only ever been her tool. She painted me as the villain in her story. I've gone no contact with 4 out of 6 of my siblings, and they also see me as the villain in spite of having been confronted with proof of her lies and knowing that she lies about them and to them as well. Now that I know, I feel free finally. I will always grieve, not what was but what never was. It is ok to grieve that loss. It is ok to heal from that loss. They are incapable of feeling that loss, and that's not on you. That's on them. Take care of yourself and know you are not alone in that grief.

My mum is a hoarder, has compulsive issues, racist, misogynistic and problem gambler.

My sister and I flat out told her we will never talk to her again unless she gets therapy.

She refuses.

I also don’t understand why she doesn’t give a fuck, she is so happy to throw us both away and play the victim.

It’s heartbreaking

I am in no way trying to tell you how to feel or that your feelings are wrong. I’m just providing my two cents based on the limited information I have. I may be totally wrong and you can tell me so.

I don’t think what you’re feeling is grief. I think first you need to go through the process of accepting your mom. Accepting doesn’t mean forgiveness, it simply means understanding that people have a right to be as they are and have a right to their own feelings, thoughts and opinions no matter what they are or how little you agree. When you accept people for who they are, you let go of your desire to change them.

Again I might be completely crackers but i couldn’t help but to notice the parallels between what you’re experiencing and something my partner recently experienced.

Hi how did you build a no contact? How to switch from emotional exhaustion to suddenly no contact?

You have my sympathy. I'm 42M and also at around 2.5years almost no contact. I'm also still grieving. It's grieving the liss of a person that's a live. However look at it from a different perspective. You could be exposed to her abuse and bullshit another 20 years until she dies and then grieve her. Now you have a chance of dealing with it and many years of peace that you can use to heal.