narcissisticparents

Funnily enough I'm feeling this way after rewatching "A Goofy Movie" but the way Goofy was always trying his best with his son Max absolutely broke me.

I always just wished to be loved and happy but due to my Nmother, absent father and to top it all off my abusive older brother I never had any real love no matter how much I wished and worked for it.

What about you and your experiences? What do you grieve?

I'm a wreck. There's no eloquent way of describing my state of being.

This past weekend, my work held an event for the students we aid. There were plenty of smiles, celebrations, hugs, gifts, awards - you name it. At the end of it all, my coworkers were reminiscing on the event, smiling as they did, when it hit me: my smile was fake.

My smile, my laugh, my claps, my hugs...it was all a mere show to seem like a normal person. Everyone around me genuinely felt happy. They felt joy. They were having the time of their lives (presumably, unless some of them were like me). I was simply...a witness to it all, trying to fit in.

I flinch when doors close near me. For something so feeble, it'll likely take months or years to break the habit.

I've lost an unimaginable amount of weight because I was too afraid to go into the kitchen, absolutely shredding any stable diet I could have had. Guess I'll have to spend my entire year trying to fix that too.

My physical being is the equivalent of a rotting corpse. I never left my room for I was too afraid to be anywhere else. For years, I sat around and barely walked. So now, as someone trying to be an adult, I have to spend hours working out. Not to get faster for a 5k, not to enlarge my biceps to fit my shirts, not to get a bigger butt to attract people. Nope, just so I can walk up a flight of stairs and not feel my muscles wince and flare in pain. I'm in my 20s and my body functions like a 70-year-old.

I will heal, I know I will. But dang...I wish I didn't have to, you know?

Unless something is done (😬)

As the question states, why is it so hard to want to move away from the people I hate the most? Ik that they are my parents but logically and consciously I should get the fuck out of here, I’m either always sad that I can’t leave my parents or that I’m so angry I have to move out NOW! I’m 19 and going thru college so I can try and get my A.A. and then my bachelors to then have the confidence to move out, but it’s so hard cuz every time I’m driving , I’m thinking wether or not I should move out and go no contact, it sucks. I hope y’all (yeah attention seeking whatever) to give me y’all’s take on this please 🙏.

Hello I 18M called the police on my dad 43M It was for domestic violence and I feel terrible like I have lost all motor functions I’ve been unable to eat and just feel sick, I’m writing this on the same day it happened. I 18M am south Asian and have strict parents I like to think I follow everything they say i know how people like to change details when telling people stories, but I would like to believe I tell this as accurate as humanely possible anyways I 18M am currently a university student and have 3 months before I start university again I stay at home and that is my plan as I have no source of income anyway I was up at 5am when I am on a 10pm bedtime my mother walks in and sees me awake and throws my mac charging brick at my face this is where I wish I would have stayed quiet I said what the fuck are you doing and swearing at your mother is a death sentence for south Asians so I turn off my phone and go to sleep make myself breakfast eat and then my mother has told my father who has always been abusive, he’s gone ahead and taken my devices (fair enough) and idk why my parents always had a weird infatuation with keeping me indoors when I said I’m going outside since I would rather not stay and listen to you guys shouting at me all day he physically stopped me and grabbed me and push me down on top of two chairs he starts slapping me and idk if it’s the fact that I’ve had enough of the beatings and constant emotional abuse but I finally snap and push him off of me then he goes to grab the metal broom and I push him while he’s getting it long story short he broke it on me I got hit to the head and the arms and he just sits me down on a chair and stars emotionally abusing me I then get to go upstairs after two hours of this and use his work phone to call the police to report domestic violence I’m a mess at this point I’m crying and just keep on asking if this is the right thing to be doing they come to my house and take my dad away and start questioning me I say no to all of the questions which is the true answer to a lot of them and I show them my arm they want to photograph it which I deny because I don’t want to get my dad incriminated they were really nice and said my dad would be released in a few hours while he’s in jail, i was at home I felt absolutely terrible and think I may have made a very bad decision ideally like most people I wanted to tolerate it until I was old enough to leave the house, now that has gone to shi. Anyway he returns around 5 hours later so about 9:30 and I’m wondering if he is about to unleash his anger on me but he completely ignores me and I overhear what he said to my mum about how I’m dead to him and he only has 1 kid left now my younger sister (no he does not abuse her in anyway she’s 6) he’s said that no one should ask me to do anything and I’m essentially now a guest in the house he’s made my mum choose between him or me and im going to admit I did lie before I am 18m but I share a room with my mother and sister I sleep on a single them on a double my dad has his own room she woke up and saw me anyway he has made them go into his room and I’m alone now I feel like no one is left in my life I stay home and play Roblox with my best friend 19M of 10 years I haven’t told him exactly what happened but he knows something has and asked if I wanted to meet up which I declined to Im just a 18 year old who sleeps with a night light and didn’t want to make any rash decisions I feel like I’ve broken up my family and don’t think my dad will forgive me I’m writing this on the same day everything happened I did get my stuff back myself but I don’t feel like watching or playing anything I just feel alone and sad and my chest is hurting I’ve got a headache too I haven’t eaten dinner and ate a chocolate bar after breakfast what do I do I’ll take any advice I don’t have the brain power for this and am unsure what to do I can still hear him talking about me through the walls I need advice from someone who has maybe dealt with a similar issue. I apologise for how messy the above text must be I’ve been a mess.

It took a long time to untangle—over 10 years of therapy, and a lifetime of struggling with finding my identity. I connected the dots a few years ago, and I'm writing this as an acknowledgement to myself and some support for others. What my mother did to her children is despicable. My case and my sibling's is truly one right out of a horror picture. Terrible, terrible pain she inflicted on her children for her own pleasure.

I had a bad day today where memories from childhood were flashing back, and I started calling family members (this is an amazing thing that my mother prevented when I was under web of control). My aunt reminded me of a letter I wrote to my mother when I was 10 years old saying I didn't want to be with her anymore, that I wanted to live with my paternal grandmother. What does my demented mother do? She kidnaps my brother and me, and hides us from my father. She destroyed my father and my grandmother who was acting as a surrogate mother for us.

What does my mother say about all this? None of it happened, apparently. Her defenses are more rigid than concrete. This woman will die full of hatred and disgust. I am so happy to be in a point of my life where I control my interactions with her. But, like you all describe about your parents, mine is a child who throws tantrums. So, yes, we have a connection, but on my terms.

Thinking about it, as I continue to heal, I see myself at my highest once I gain the most distance from her.

My mom has always been a cruel and bitter woman, which has been exasperated by her ongoing health problems. Since December, I have been a lot more open about how her poor treatment has affected me, which she responded to by making all of my family cut me out of their lives and my brother punching me in the face, which I had to go to the ER for.

I don't know what to do. I live in a small town with barely any jobs outside of part time work that would pay too little to move out. I can't even afford to move into a sublet. My family has all taken my mom side, so I have no support system to depend on. My situation feels hopeless and im unsure what to do.

So over the time i grew up (17 now). I was really hurting by what they were saying like all narcissistic parents do. But i started realizing they're so unhappy with their own life they always wanna find some bullcrap to argue about or hurt me and my brother just because theyre unhappy. I mean i dont blame them bc we live (4 people and 3 animals) in 2 room apartment with a very small kitchen and bathroom. But at the end of the day its not our fault. So over time i just stopping caring about what my parents think and started showing clear sings that i really dont care how miserable their life is or what they have to say. I usually just laugh because how stupid their reasons are for being mad at me. Or i do get mad but show clear sings that i dont care. For example when me and my mom argue she tells me to shut up bc she doesn't wanna talk to me so i do. But then she goes off naming all the things i did and how stupid i am. I point out the obvious that she told me to shut up so she should stay quiet or we could sit down and talk like normal human beings. She gets even more mad because she knows im right and shes wrong then finds some stupid exuse and stops talking. I could go on and on but does anyone else started finding their parents funny instead of hurtful?

Heads up, this is a novel. I never really posted on this account before, but I’ve lurked in narcissistic parent subs for quite some time.

I’ve (22m) been in therapy for several months and in and out of therapy before that. I’ve always been extremely anxiously attached in relationships and went to therapy to fix this issue. Through therapy and the help of my awesome girlfriend, I have made a ton of progress in this area. My therapist brought me back to childhood and my teens, and helped me figure out that most of this anxiety came from my relationship with my mom.

I have many situations where my mom completely violated my boundaries and emotionally abused me. I’ve been “fake” kicked out of the house, demanded money and then cussed at and embarrassed in front of an SO’ for not getting the money there fast enough, had my confidence undermined in every area except academics, had my mom reach out to an SO tell them to never speak to me again, etc. Silent treatments up the ass. Told I had mental disorders.

Here’s the part that I’m struggling with. When I was younger, my mother told me and my brother I could go to her with anything. I was extremely anxious in relationships and went to her for advice and comfort pretty frequently. And I went to therapy over this issue as a teen and was diagnosed with OCPD.

I had a bad relationship that I went to my mother for help with a lot. She started avoiding me as it was too much for her. I understood and sought out therapy, but this therapist helped me realize her abuse. This realization culminated in my mother sending me an extremely aggressive string of texts telling me I had a mental disorder, that I understood nothing about life, really nasty stuff. Then, she actively avoided me and didn’t talk to me for weeks. I moved out, and we still didn’t talk. She apologized eventually over text, but blamed everything she said on the fact that I had abused her over the years by going to her about relationship stuff.

I get that it was draining, but in my mind I was a child and going to help from my mom. I get that the bad relationship I had in my early 20s was very draining, but I sought therapy when she made it clear it was too much for her.

We talked today and it got heated. I told her about all the times I had felt abandoned by her, some of the times she violated my boundaries , and she responded with “well you’ve abused me for 17 yeaWe’ve both been hurt so we just have to move on and drop it.” She also accused me of having orgies out of nowhere.

Is there anything worth salvaging here? Is it wrong to never want to speak to her again? My dad watched her say and do all this stuff to me and never stopped her. How do I handle my relationship with him?

Alr so rn I had a BIG realization about life and myself and idk if I’m just delulu and cuz I’m drunk as a mf rn but yea, it’s mostly about my self esteem, social skills and character in general. All my life I’ve been very antisocial and shy and self conscious about myself for some reason even tho I was an all star baseball and football player since I was 4 years old(stopped playing in the pandemic and never got back to sports).

So yea idk if it was cuz I’m over here on vacation in this tj resort with my family and my parents let me get drunk, and I may have gotten a couple more beers than they let me but still. I realized it when I drank 3 beers(doesn’t really matter just saying cuz that’s what got me a lil more drunk) and yea when I went down to the lobby to ask for the WiFi password I saw these group of girls and they were around my age and they were in front of me but it’s like we connected automatically without even saying a word to each other it was crazy.

I was behind them and as they were leaving so I could go ahead and ask for the wify password one of the girls looked at me and we kinda acknowledged each other for a bit but we went our separate ways. And idk if it was cuz I was drunk af but it’s like she COMEPLETELY understood me somehow and somehow made me realize that all I needed in my life to grow as a person socially, emotionally, psychologically, and in general character wise was just some unconditional love.

It was so fucken weird the way she looked at me was as if she knew me comepletely inside and out, we ovb didn’t talk or nothing and even tho if we had the chance we prob wouldn’t cuz that’s not how I am, if I don’t know u I’m not gonna talk to u no matter what especially if ur a girl my age or around.

But yea sorry idk what tf this shit is, all my life I struggled with depression and other shit but it’s just weird what I realized, like I said idk if it’s cuz I was drunk af and on a beautiful vacation get a way but still. A little background of me is I’m 17 and got big parents issues, their narcissists and never showed me unconditional love as a kid and till this day nothing, not just that but they used me as a emotional toy as a kid and drained tf out me which more than likely caused my mental issues and social issues I got.

Idk it’s like just from that “experience” with that random girl made me realize a whole bunch of shit, the thing is tho idk if I’m just being delulu or not. Another thing I got really big issues with girls for some reason, I got no female friends and for some reason look down on girls ALOT, every time a girl shows interest in me and stuff like that I comepletly shut them down.

And ik for a fact it’s cuz my mom made me have this unconscious image of girls in my head which led me to be like that towards girls. Trust me their is a whole bunch of other shit I could say rn but for some reason every time I try to tell stuff like this to random people on the internet it’s hard for me to explain my thoughts idky.

( edit, I also feel like I need a girl to help me let that big guard up I have down since my mom never showed love and basically “betrayed” me so many times and let me down so many times as a kid to help me “build” myself up and grow.)

Rn as I’m writing this I’m sitting beside the pool drinking a modelo smokin my geek bar and just chillin listening to music in the night sky. And I’m writing this on my journal cuz the wyfy here is acting stupid and not letting me download Reddit so ima post this in the morning.

But yea it’s fucken crazy wtf I realized and btw before this interaction with that girl my mood was bad and everything but once I got that realization from that interaction kindve when I went back up to my room to give my mom the wyfy password code I felt like “myself” and was energetic af and brought the whole rooms mood up for the better.

But at the same time idk if it was cuz was drunk af and hitting the vape a lot, BUT at the same time i was vaping and drinking before that and wasn’t in that same mindstate for some reason. The mind is really weird, but yea sorry ik it’s a lot ik my bad, could it be I realized all my life’s issues?? Or im just delulu af??

So basically to put it in short terms I realized just from that not even interaction but “situation” with those girls and that one specific girl made me realize I NEED a gf and need that love I never got from my mom, and basically somehow need it to fill in that void my mom never filled up ever since I was a kid.

Not just that but my parents are also the same way, their antisocial and people don’t really like them much, luckily I’m at a trade school we’re I live there Monday through Friday so I’m away from them most of the time and basically growing away from them and bettering myself for the better slowly and slowly but could that be really it?

And sorry rn as I’m looking back and reading this it doesn’t sound much as how I pictured in my head so ik for a fact ima get hate from people and say that I’m basically gonna “use” them for my character development or shit like that cuz that’s what happened last time I posted something similar like this.

But yea that’s about it, I can’t really think about much else to say cuz it’s like I’m fried from vaping too much. But yea could that be it? Or im just trippin thank u for reading all this ik it’s a lot sorry.

Another thing sorry, I never had a real gf I’ve had a couple gfs when I was younger but nothing serious at all, every time a girl showed interest I’d lose interest real fast and never took it serious but would basically “date” them.

(Edit sorry I just remembered something, if I never got drunk I would’ve never got that realization if I was in a sober state)

(another edit sorry😭, reading this a couple minutes after writing this, it does not sound at all as what I pictured in my head so if u find it stupid or as if I’m stupid sorry that’s not how I really am it’s just hard for some reason writing my thoughts, I never went to regular hs, I basically dropped out and never did one full semester (or even a full 3 months☹️)of hs and was supposed to graduate literally yesterday but I’m at a trade school and never went cuz of mental issues so bare with me.)

Does anyone else kind of shutdown and/or panic if somebody misunderstands or assumes your situation or position in something is different to how it actually is? I blame this on my n parents ability to run with tiny shreds of information and twist it Into something else, as well as being missed by the system as a child living in an abusive home.

For example, they assume that you don’t drive for a simple reason E.G. you’re scared. when in reality you had a traumatic car crash as a child and are too scared to drive. That’s an extreme example, but I hope that makes sense. Or someone might see you have a red bag as well as a pair of shoes on and assume your favourite colour is red, and ask you about it. When in fact you just accidentally matched them.

I find this incredibly hard, and it can make speaking my truth really difficult/emotional feeling. I used to be quite out spoken before figuring out my whole life had been abusive. Now I kind of feel broken 😒

I (25F) called my mom today after 2 months NC and was surprised it didn’t even come up she just carried on like normal and asked about me and chatted. T/W: Spoiler and I’ve been in therapy and somatic experiencing for a few months for this without my family knowing because it’s shameful in my culture. BUT this conversation made me fall back into questioning if I was being dramatic, making it all up, or blowing it out of proportion. DAE have a similar experience or know how to deal with feeling this way??

Should I be concerned about my mom’s behavior? This isn’t necessarily related to her narcissism (that’s another story), but I know she has undiagnosed mental issues and unhealed trauma, and I worry she’s getting worse when I see her act like this.

Moms dermatologist told her she probably has skin mites affecting her eyes causing issues. It then become her obsession over the last couple of months.

Since then, she’s bought so many anti mite products. Everything you can think of. Special more shampoo, conditioner, makeup, creams, lotions, hair oils, feet cream, laundry detergent, furniture spray, etc. She’s spent a good bit of money and continues to buy more.

She thinks she can see the mites after they come out of her skin but the Google says they’re microscopic. She can also feel them when they come out of her skin.

It’s all she talks about. She does mite research and online shopping for new cures everyday. She sends pictures of her skin all the time, saying she can see the mites. To me, it looks like flakes of dry skin.

She’s been using 100% tea tree oil, hydrogen peroxide, taking ivermectin, and multiple other creams, toners, and medicine on her skin and eyes every night and multiple times a day. She’s gotten rashes and I told her it could be from the tea tree oil which needs to be diluted or the rubbing alcohol, etc.

She is up at all hours of the night because she says the mites wake her up and she has to scrape them off the skin when they come out and reapply the medicine.

She’s not getting much sleep and is having trouble at work.

Thoughts?

My dad (60) takes pictures almost obsessively at family gatherings, specifically birthdays or milestones. And it didn't strike me as odd until recently. My little sister's birthday was recently and he said something that made her cry which I won't recount here. But she took some time to herself and we continued with the party after she felt better - at which point he was constantly snapping photos. "Say cheese!" "Smile!" "You look so happy!" Anyone could see she felt miserable but was making the best of it (we had a do-over party while my dad was away the next weekend without telling him - he still doesn't know). I didn't connect the dots on what he was doing until I remembered his birthday a month before. We went out to a local pizza place, and things were ok, but every time there was a photo taken, it was like he made an effort to look miserable.

It feels like he's trying to make some kind of paper trail of things being wonderful where they weren't and him being the victim where he isn't. It's so frustrating. I refuse to be in the photos he takes now. I haven't had to make a scene over it, but I'm willing to if I have to. It's better than spiraling over what role he's trying to paint me as playing in his narrative.

Does anyone else's narc do this?

Earlier today, my mom went through my phone and asked if I was gay. I obviously lied and surprisingly she believed me. But she was also telling me how being gay is wrong in her household, it was Adam & Eve not Adam & Adam and Eve & Eve, etc. She also said that gay people “do too much” and told me that I either needed to cut off my friends when they make certain jokes or she’ll do it for me. I pointed out that she has gay friends herself and a lesbian aunt (my favorite aunt ofc), but she said they didn’t count.

I always thought how my mom treated me and 3 of my siblings was “normal”. However, I’ve had doubts since the last couple of years. Recently my mom’s been trying to be more calm and more christian (whatever that’s supposed to mean). I already know that’s she’s very homophobic, but I want to know if her behavior is a bit extreme. She, as well as my stepdad, have also made some rules ever since moving 2 years ago. Here are some of them that I can think of.

Rules: (I’m a teenager btw) 1. Bedtime is 8:00 on school nights.

1. Not allowed to be gay or do “gay things”.

2. No closing doors (including bathroom; excluding front and back). In case you’re wondering why, she once got mad at me for locking the bathroom door. She banged on the door, slapped me, asked what was wrong with me and told me to never lock it.

3. No cussing until we move out.

4. Screen time. Can’t be on devices between 7pm-7am. (This one’s disregarded for now)

5. No birthday parties or sleepovers (just for me at least).

6. No piercings except for ear. I got mine when I was 3 months old.

Seeking Advice: I'm sad to two kids and we blocked contact with my parents on all platforms two years ago. I just decided it was the final fight my wife and I were gonna have. My grandparents have stayed in contact, I think, with both sides of the altercation and I have no clue if my parents have told them anything about the situation. These two have been nothing but good to myself, my partner, and my kids. I'm sure it'll come up, any good way to tell them the situation? Current plan is to be pretty blunt but not give them the details.

Hi daughters of narcissitic fathers:

Have you ever caught you father at looking at your legs or breasts? I have been uncomfortable around my father since I've been in my twenties, because I feel that he gets awkward towards me and sometimes will look at my breasts and legs.

I have covered up when I have to be together with my father ever since.

My theory is this: Since my father have no real empathy for us kids (he is very traumatized) he doesn't really feel on an emotional plane, that he is our father. He is awkward and he does most relating from a mental state - of sympathizing and especially when other people have told him that that is the most appropriate thing to do. He has to be told, because he has no empathy to guide him.

And I think it's that lack of empathy and love for me, that makes it difficult for him to relate to me as a daughter. And therefore, he unconsciously objectifies/sexualize me.

It is hard for me to endure, I am disgusted. I usually get more serious and real about topics and deepends my voice to move our conversations into the thinking realms, where we can have conversations where he is not akward and checking me out. And I don't want to be objectified. I also generally hate when objectifies me.

So: Do any of you have experience with this and what are your thoughts on the matter.

Best from me.

I'm 27. Never had a boyfriend. Whenever I like someone my mom's voice gets in my head telling me I'm not good enough for them, I'm not lovable, they wouldn't like me once they get to know me etc. So I avoid anything further to spare myself of the disappointment.

I don't think I ever could have children either. I'm scared I would turn into my mom. I don't even know what a healthy relationship or family looks like. So how could I give that to someone else?

Does anyone else feel the same way? How do I overcome the feeling that nobody could ever love me?

So I think my mom is a narc or she at least has narc tendencies. And sometimes I feel like I had a case of Stockholm syndrome with her. It really feels like we don’t have an emotional connection/attachment at all, never get into deep convo, stated she wasn’t my friend many times growing up and reiterating it a could years ago. but I’m grateful that she fed me, and yk the whole scroll of stuff parents (are supposed to) do. & I also remember the times she threw really good birthday parties and birthday trips, and water parks yearly for summer break & other stuff like that. But on a day to day basis, it was nothing but order & discipline. And sometimes I feel bad for not really liking my mom because of the lack of emotional attachment but I always feel like I love her I guess because she’s my mom…it’s a real brain f*ck, I hate it so bad that I feel like this, it fells crazy sometimes bc at times I wish we had a healthy loving full relationship so I can express my full love (I’m just naturally like that to other ppl in my life and my dad who’s the polar opposite of my mom) and sometimes I just wish we could go no contact forever but that would hurt (?, I still try and hope for a healthier relationship, we’re going to therapy for the first time tg soon)

I feel emotionless, it’s like nothing matters, and I can’t feel anything even when I try very hard. Does anyone have experience here? What should we do when the pain starts telling us “this is not important/real” and causes a numbness that feels so foreign and uncomfortable? How do I find myself again and make myself strong and independent from the torment?? How do become myself again?

Realized some crazy shit while Alr so rn I had a BIG realization about life and myself and idk if I’m just delulu and cuz I’m drunk as a mf rn but yea, it’s mostly about my self esteem, social skills and character in general. All my life I’ve been very antisocial and shy and self conscious about myself for some reason even tho I was an all star baseball and football player since I was 4 years old(stopped playing in the pandemic and never got back to sports).

So yea idk if it was cuz I’m over here on vacation in this tj resort with my family and my parents let me get drunk, and I may have gotten a couple more beers than they let me but still. I realized it when I drank 3 beers(doesn’t really matter just saying cuz that’s what got me a lil more drunk) and yea when I went down to the lobby to ask for the WiFi password I saw these group of girls and they were around my age and they were in front of me but it’s like we connected automatically without even saying a word to each other it was crazy.

I was behind them and as they were leaving so I could go ahead and ask for the wify password one of the girls looked at me and we kinda acknowledged each other for a bit but we went our separate ways. And idk if it was cuz I was drunk af but it’s like she COMEPLETELY understood me somehow and somehow made me realize that all I needed in my life to grow as a person socially, emotionally, psychologically, and in general character wise was just some unconditional love.

It was so fucken weird the way she looked at me was as if she knew me comepletely inside and out, we ovb didn’t talk or nothing and even tho if we had the chance we prob wouldn’t cuz that’s not how I am, if I don’t know u I’m not gonna talk to u no matter what especially if ur a girl my age or around.

But yea sorry idk what tf this shit is, all my life I struggled with depression and other shit but it’s just weird what I realized, like I said idk if it’s cuz I was drunk af and on a beautiful vacation get a way but still. A little background of me is I’m 17 and got big parents issues, their narcissists and never showed me unconditional love as a kid and till this day nothing, not just that but they used me as a emotional toy as a kid and drained tf out me which more than likely caused my mental issues and social issues I got.

Idk it’s like just from that “experience” with that random girl made me realize a whole bunch of shit, the thing is tho idk if I’m just being delulu or not. Another thing I got really big issues with girls for some reason, I got no female friends and for some reason look down on girls ALOT, every time a girl shows interest in me and stuff like that I comepletly shut them down.

And ik for a fact it’s cuz my mom made me have this unconscious image of girls in my head which led me to be like that towards girls. Trust me their is a whole bunch of other shit I could say rn but for some reason every time I try to tell stuff like this to random people on the internet it’s hard for me to explain my thoughts idky.

( edit, I also feel like I need a girl to help me let that big guard up I have down since my mom never showed love and basically “betrayed” me so many times and let me down so many times as a kid to help me “build” myself up and grow.)

Rn as I’m writing this I’m sitting beside the pool drinking a modelo smokin my geek bar and just chillin listening to music in the night sky. And I’m writing this on my journal cuz the wyfy here is acting stupid and not letting me download Reddit so ima post this in the morning.

But yea it’s fucken crazy wtf I realized and btw before this interaction with that girl my mood was bad and everything but once I got that realization from that interaction kindve when I went back up to my room to give my mom the wyfy password code I felt like “myself” and was energetic af and brought the whole rooms mood up for the better.

But at the same time idk if it was cuz was drunk af and hitting the vape a lot, BUT at the same time i was vaping and drinking before that and wasn’t in that same mindstate for some reason. The mind is really weird, but yea sorry ik it’s a lot ik my bad, could it be I realized all my life’s issues?? Or im just delulu af??

So basically to put it in short terms I realized just from that not even interaction but “situation” with those girls and that one specific girl made me realize I NEED a gf and need that love I never got from my mom, and basically somehow need it to fill in that void my mom never filled up ever since I was a kid.

Not just that but my parents are also the same way, their antisocial and people don’t really like them much, luckily I’m at a trade school we’re I live there Monday through Friday so I’m away from them most of the time and basically growing away from them and bettering myself for the better slowly and slowly but could that be really it?

And sorry rn as I’m looking back and reading this it doesn’t sound much as how I pictured in my head so ik for a fact ima get hate from people and say that I’m basically gonna “use” them for my character development or shit like that cuz that’s what happened last time I posted something similar like this.

But yea that’s about it, I can’t really think about much else to say cuz it’s like I’m fried from vaping too much. But yea could that be it? Or im just trippin thank u for reading all this ik it’s a lot sorry.

Another thing sorry, I never had a real gf I’ve had a couple gfs when I was younger but nothing serious at all, every time a girl showed interest I’d lose interest real fast and never took it serious but would basically “date” them.

(Edit sorry I just remembered something, if I never got drunk I would’ve never got that realization if I was in a sober state)

(another edit sorry😭, reading this a couple minutes after writing this, it does not sound at all as what I pictured in my head so if u find it stupid or as if I’m stupid sorry that’s not how I really am it’s just hard for some reason writing my thoughts, I never went to regular hs, I basically dropped out and never did one full semester (or even a full 3 months☹️)of hs and was supposed to graduate literally yesterday but I’m at a trade school and never went cuz of mental issues so bare with me.)

For me it's dancing. As many little girls I liked to dance but starting at the age of about 3 or 4 years old my mother couldn't help herself but constantly tell me how bad I was at it. She never told me how I'd improve, just that I was really bad. This never changed. About herself she always said what a great dancer she was.

Anyhow I'm legit terrified to dance as in: if music starts playing and everyone starts to dance and it's expected for me to join my muscles get tense and I get into a panic mode and also become incredibly sad in those situations. Since I'm 12 years old.

Mind you I never experienced an embarrassing situation, no one ever made fun of me for dancing, all people ever commented on was that I should join them or just have fun. But I'm busy fighting my desire to run away and cry. It's insane.

So what is something your n parent ruined for you?

My mother is a narcissist. I brought up the fact both me and my brother remember being slapped around everyday as children. Young children, we are talking as young as 7 or 8 until we got old enough to fight back. She doesn't remember this at all. She laughed at me when I said this. She laughed and told me she didn't remember it that way. I just want to know, how do they forget hitting young children for years on a daily basis? How does this happen?? Please give me a scientific explanation, I simply can't comprehend this.

Whenever other people in my life offer me support or help it upsets my mom for some reason. I haven't had a car in months and a dear friend of mine who is a guy has been giving me rides. Back when I had and car and he didn't, I would give him rides, so this is his way of returning the favor. This annoyed my Mom. She asked if this was an "accuse" for me to not get my own car, I said "no, he's just being a good friend"

Mom: "is he charging you for gas?"

Me: "No"

Mom: "well you must be sleeping with him cause men don't want things for free. Also, adults don't get free rides. You need to grow up and get a car."

it's also important to note, I have been having mild seizures and my doctor hasn't been able to find the source, so driving isn't safe for me at the moment, she knows this but pretends to "forget."

I suffered a devastating miscarriage, last fall. My mom WAS NOT nice or kind to me about this. She accused me of of being promiscuous and again her favorite phrase "not being a responsible adult." She also got mad at me for telling my brother first and not her. My supervisor at the time was a lovely women, who was very sweet and we became. After I told her I had a miscarriage she was very empathetic and cried and prayed with me, she got me a card and gave me a few extra days off of work to heal. When I told my mom this she told me that was unprofessional to disclose that and i shouldn't tell my supervisor my personal details.