I'm not sure where to go from here and I apologise for the ramblings of a broken husband but here goes.

I've changed a few details due to my wife, some of our friends and some of our family being on Reddit.

We've been together for 10 years, married 3, both 35 m&f respectively.

I've recently started therapy after having a lot of things emotionally rock me all at once and after a few sessions, the topic of my marriage was explored in some detail. Leading me to begin to question whether I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and whether it's best for me to leave.

I want to stress that nothing has ever been explicitly abusive in the sense of name calling or what would normally spring to mind when thinking of this kind of emotional abuse. I'm not sure how to word this in terms of a narrative paragraph so I'll do my best to bullet point, forgive me if it's not great. I'm on mobile.

Here goes:

  • I've changed multiple facets of who I am as a person to avoid upsetting her. These include, but are not limited to, the way I speak (I'm a typical UK council estate northerner, so I'm pretty liberal with cursing and slang, this has been "worked out" of me to be more well spoken and "traditionally polite") the way I spend my free time (no longer just chilling on Xbox with friends/going to the movies, I'm made to feel guilty if we don't spend time together), quitting smoking (was a smoker when we met and until after we married, then it became a deal-breaker) and how I look after the house (I usually do dishes at the end of the day and can live if it's a little untidy, however not being super clean/tidy every night is now a big issue)
  • I no longer see my friends. This was a slow burn but I cancelled so many plans with them for her over the earlier years of our relationship that they all stopped bothering after the wedding.
  • She doesn't trust me. (I admitted to sneaking a cigarette on a bad day every now and then and now she's convinced I'm a full time smoker when I'm not with her and she doesn't like me going out with friends I'm trying to reconnect with in case I smoke)
  • She's openly said she hates my family and no longer wants to spend time with them, including Christmas, birthdays and family events. I'm "allowed" to go, but there's an expectation I'm not out late or getting drunk, etc.

There's more but I'm still processing. Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this, how to bring it up with her and whether it might still be worth saving? I'm a total mess at the minute and just needed to vent.

I'm on a throwaway but will read/reply to every response when I can.

Tl;dr - I think my wife is emotionally abusive but I'm not sure if it's just therapy that's put that idea in my head - I need advice.

EDIT: I've responded to a lot of the comments but feel like I'd be repeating myself in every one so I've added this edit in.

Firstly, my response to u/Sunny_Logic:

Apologies for the slow response - I'm pretty all over the place both mentally and also with work so don't have much downtime to respond. I'll address your points as well as I can here.

Video games - I don't think I've put this across too well in my original post. Yes, I understand that video games aren't super important and that I have other responsibilities. However, I also believe that I should be able to get home from work, have dinner together and spend that time as we would usually, but maybe have an hour to myself to do something that I enjoy and that helps me unwind. However, this causes problems and usually gets worded as "you don't want to spend time with me?" Or joking but not really and calling herself an "Xbox widow" - when I do try to have this time, she interrupts and asks when I'll be done within the first 20 minutes of me starting. I don't come in and go straight to it and ignore her. I come home, cook dinner, we talk about our days and anything else we may have that seems interesting and then after that, in what I would think of as leisure time, I really do get made to feel bad if I don't spend every day/evening with her.

Friends and plans - I cancelled plans because there was always a crisis. She'd have some issue at her house, or she'd have a really bad day at work and was upset, etc. I always explained to my friends and attempted to reschedule as the relationship was new at this point and I knew I cared for her so wanted to make sure she was alright. The longer we were together, it tended to be that I was "double booked" and we'd have plans I never remembered organising on days where I'd arranged to see friends. Plans we'd made "weeks/months ago" whereas my plans with friends were sometimes off the cuff or fairly short notice, which led to me cancelling and apologising to them because I'd forgotten about prior commitments. My friends were always welcoming and open, i made an effort to include her in things but she always wanted to leave much earlier than I would have or earlier than I was expecting to leave given the nature of the events.

Smoking - smoking is smoking. I know it's bad, but we met when I was a smoker, we married when I was a smoker, I made the decision to quit but then my mental health took a turn recently and I turned back to it, admitted to having the occasional one on a bad day and it became a massive multi-day fight about trust and honesty. I get that I didn't tell her as and when it happened. But I also didn't outright lie. It's now a point about trust and whether I'm smoking full time and nothing I say or do will prove otherwise.

Cussing - I get your point. I don't swear like a sailor, I don't litter them in every sentence. But I will use them when I feel appropriate, especially when excited/frustrated/upset. I've been told it's unattractive and off-putting, but again, it's who I've been since day one.

Family - similar to the friends situation above, I tried to involve her - my family are a lot like me in terms of being a bit more "common" and being smokers etc. She has never made an effort with them and has ultimately just started outright criticising them when they come up in conversation.

Things I may have contributed to:

This is a difficult one because there's clearly a lack of communication between us. I have always been the "domestic" in the relationship (it's not a term we use or have ever labelled, but it's the most fitting) in that I cook, generally do the laundry, look after our dogs, and keep the house in order in terms of chores. This is by choice, and being the better cook, and I'm happy with that, however the standards I'm held to have seemingly changed over the years. I don't think I've let the consistency/quality drop but I could have.

I'm very much who I am and I'm happy with it. I don't think I'm a bad person, I have a decent job and try my best. I can't think of anything I've ever asked her to change. I'm not trying to paint myself as perfect, I know I'm not, but I genuinely accept her, flaws and all. That's what a husband does in my eyes.

I'm aware that I may be blind to the things I may be doing that could upset/frustrate her besides the things mentioned above such as the smoking/cursing bits but I try to adapt to the criticism I received and then the change isn't quite enough or good enough.

I worded it to my therapist this way - I feel like I married her for who she is/was, she married me for what I could become with some nudging.

Then to also add, I am aware that some of things I've mentioned may seem trivial and maybe they are, but I've come to realise that these things are important to me. I'm not looking to play video games in all of my free time, I'm not bothered about the smoking itself, it's more the whiplash change of it being fine when we met/married then a dealbreaker now and being used as a reason to bring in trust as she's accusing me of smoking all the time I'm not with her and then apparently lying about it. The way we speak is tied to who we are and how we identify, I don't swear constantly but I'm not shy about responding to something startling with "Fuck me!" or letting an "Oh shit!" loose when I cut myself preparing food or I realise I've made a mistake/forgotten something.

The chores/housekeeping standards - I understand that as an adult, I have a responsibility to keep the house clean and tidy, but there's a double standard that I feel I wasn't clear on. Example: if she comes home from work to an untidy kitchen/there's washed laundry to be put away in the bedroom, I'm lazy, need to pull my weight in the house and it's not fair but if I come home to the same and mention that these things aren't done, she's had a very busy day and hasn't had the time, it's unfair of me to expect it when she's been home with the dogs/had to go shopping etc (both of which I do too) It's difficult to get the full story across but I'll continue to try and respond and provide context when asked.