Jokes: Get Your Funny On!

"We can do reconstruction of your pubococcygeus muscle.

Level 1 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a month. That costs £10,000.

Level 2 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a week. That costs £20,000.

Level 3 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a day. That costs £30,000.

I'll pop out for some coffee give you both some time to decide next steps"

20 minutes later he came back to the office. "How you two getting on, decided yet?"

Husband. "Yes, we have decided to get a new kitchen"

A young man wakes up with a black eye after a night of drinks.
He stumbles into the living room to ask his parents if they know what happened to him last night.

His father sits him down and says:
"Son, when you go out to drink and get absolutely shitfaced, that's ok, it happens."
"When you call me a fat, lazy bastard and your mother a stupid whore when we greet you, that's also ok, it happens, you were drunk after all and you didn't mean it."

"But when you take off your pants, shit on the rug, put salt sticks in it and yell "the hedgehog lives here now!", that goes a bit too far."

“Isn’t it true that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

“Before we get married,” the man said to his fiancée, “I need to confess to some affairs I’ve had in the past.”

“Oh, but you told me all about them a few weeks ago,” she reminded him.

“Yes dear,” he explained, “but that was a few weeks ago.”

You cannot be Ceres.

Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"

What you having says the barman, the rabbit replies, I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect.

Anyone?

Uno, dos...

POOF He disappears.

He was gone without a tres.

Two of my coworkers.

Peace out, britches!

asks “Hey man, how are you doing?"

A little confused I replied: “good, I guess.”

To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?"

Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: “Oh. I guess the same as you."

Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?"

A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......"

…before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."

so I always go to another room and close the door behind me, so I don't have to see that.

His goal: Transcend dental medication.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

Him: Sure. Which one?

Me: The composer.

but it may make you buy curios.

"Well, the first girl came and I asked her what's two plus two. She said four. She's a smart girl"

"Then a second girl came and I asked her what's two plus two." "Well that depends, it can be four, but it can be three or five". "This girl is a philosopher,!"

"Then, a third girl came and I asked her what's two plus two." "If you say it's four, then it's four. If you say it's five, then it's five." "A humble and submissive, a perfect wife!".

Ok, Muyo, which one did you end up marrying?"

"The fourth one, with the biggest tits."

An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then asks, "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And then he asks, "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

The new owner comes to inspect the factory, and asks: how many are actually working here. The manager smiles and says, I'd say about half of 'em.

Two Gentile businessmen meet at a conference. One says, "Harry, how's business?"

And Harry says, "Great!"