The upbringing that created an INTJ

Discussion

It would be rather superstitious with the likes of horoscopes to say that INTJs are just “born that way”. Unless there’s something genetic, but besides that, there has to be a common upbringing/chain of similar events that led to this being our personality type regardless of how diverse each individual INTJs are as obviously we can’t be all 100% grouped as the same.

Lets delve into the possible causalies here and feel free to share what you think would turn a person into an INTJ. Don’t shy away sharing your own upbringing, do it for the sake of information.

Points to consider: -Were parents present/absent, cold, negligent? -Did you get taught about social skills/mechanical skills or did you have to learn those on your own? -Were parents abusive/narcissistic/pathological liars? -What percentage of time did you spend with toys/hobbies/entertainment compared to playing with other kids? -Were you exposed/desensitized to the brutal hard truths at an early age?/horror/gore/crime anything that can cause apathy towards humanity -Were you already skeptical of everything from an early age without/with outsider influences? -Did you get exposed to mechanical/scientific media or alternative art/music as a kid? Anything that made you deviate from the social norm?

in intjby NeedlesKane6INTJ

85%

8mo

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LoneMelody

INTJ

8mo

Another interesting thing tho, could it be that our personalities is the reason that our parents responded so poorly to us?

As far as I'm concerned, my earliest years with my mother were fine but when it came time to perform/behave like your typical kid, around that age of 5, my Fe blind spot was showing and even when I was told, my Ni would literally just just ask why and if the reason didn't make sense, I chose not to care anyway. For that reason, I never learned a lot of early social etiquette beyond what really made sense to me or what I cared to do. My older sister, ENTJ, who I am very close to in age (1 year, 2 months apart), never really had that problem or seemed to care.. she just did it. If the explanation didn't line up, or I didn't feel like it was something I needed to do, I just didn't do it. This presents at HUGE problem with an ESFJ mother... because not only is the reason why, usually lost on them because they're Ne blind.. they have this huge expectation that you blindly follow established rules and norm regardless... they're are very sensitive to social embarrassment in that way. Another thing I learned early on is the freedom, that being truthful can bring, versus lying for the sake of saving brownie points with your parents/superiors. As an INTJ, who can see all consequence of my actions, knowing when its okay to be truthful has also been invaluable.. other types don't think or can't see too far ahead so its easier for them to lie in moment... but depending on what it is, that lie has to be remembered and maintained.

That dynamic with my mother, caused a lot of problems for me from the age of like 6 to like 10 when I learned to keep to myself, privately disagree and be more subtle about my insubordination with people outside my family. So would this be the trauma response you're referring to? Or is this just a sign of general maturing.. because I'm pretty sure I first started developing my Te parent 10-12 as well.

Another thing is, just being the youngest of two middle children in a family that's not the most well off. I'm naturally going to experience some type of neglect, but im sure that was especially so because of my mothers disdain for my rebellious tendencies, giving her a more amplified reason for more preferential treatment to my other siblings.

Some of it (my early Fe problems) was, no doubt, do to genuine kid shyness but as time went on, it was very clear to me I was no longer as shy. Actually, I was pretty bold and daring compared to others, though, never without cause.

There's other things in my childhood that lead me to believe that it's more so something we're born with, that would also include anecdotal things from my sisters upbringing as well that indicated her early EXTJ preferences, but i'll spare you anymore details.

NeedlesKane6

INTJ

I think that would be really selfish and un parent like to respond poorly based on a child’s personality. People love and care for animals and even inanimate objects regardless of personality, when it comes to their child that love is way more intimate. That would be a negligent approach. Also there’s this factor called avoidant attachment style that pretty much shows that the child’s emotional behaviour or attachment relies on how present and available the parents were to their kids in giving the appropriate emotional needs or parental bonding, and that determines the attachment style a kid is gonna end up developing.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment This is very relatable

LoneMelody

INTJ

Woah there, this conversation is almost a year old. Bored much? Lol

Animals and inanimate objects don’t have the ability to navigate complex human social dynamics and situations, so their ignorance or lack of awareness/care or ability to adapt and adhere to certain social circumstances is forgivable. It is seen as something entirely different, quite irksome, for a human to fail to do so on a continuous basis when you’re otherwise perceived as competent and cognizant enough to do so.

I see you mentioned something about avoidant attachment style, at this point in my life I’ve done more than enough research on psychology and topics of the like to say it’s not much worth to put that much stock into.

If it helps you, you can use it but I found the overlapping theories of personality, attachment style etc to be mostly non determinant in anything other than identifying a potential problem for you to solve with yourself and your own individual circumstance. Attachment theory revolves heavily around trauma responses for the most part, but people don’t react or take in trauma the same way because of the different lenses we view the world.

NeedlesKane6

INTJ

Iv been getting new comments lately in the thread so I revisited it since it keeps bumping in my feed and just thought yours was interesting so I replied lol

Yea that’s besides the point, I’m just saying it’s pretty negligent to not care for a child emotionally because of their personality, parents have the outmost responsibility to properly take care of their children no matter what, the child is pretty much at their mercy

Yea I get your point, however it’s not entirely trauma based since a lot isn’t necessarily stressful, frightening or distressing events, but just the amount or lack of emotional parental interaction and that could be something like a lack of encouraging words or praises, comforting words or actions that shows warmth and love, reassurance, affirmation, poor communication etc. just emotionally distant stuff that gets often overlooked and shrugged off since it’s not as crazy as abuse for instance

LoneMelody

INTJ

But that's the thing, the love isn't always there, and you're right, it is negligence but it still happens, more than society wants to admit (but I'm definitely of the belief it's thankfully, not the norm).

As far as the trauma thing goes, that's the thing, I believe what I wrote and cited above was my own anecdotal experience (im not going to review all of my own post completely) where I said there wasn't lack of emotional support anywhere in those early, priming years, like the attachment theory would suggest. And by trauma, I really just mean the individual nurture that happen in ones given past that could've made them who they are, not only the negative connation attached to it, but not without it either.

Instead, my attachment preferences seemed already present with my wiring. Now I'm not saying someone's nurture couldn't effect how they behave with other humans, because it absolutely does but in my instance, it didn't really seem to make a difference whether that type of nurture; emotional support and care was there or not. Moreover than that, it also brings up an alternative view point that people can develop a distant attachment style (or any) later than those years.

If the lens I was given to see the world inherently didn't value those things to begin with, then it would be borderline impossible to receive the influence of that type of nurture regardless unless I was actively willing it myself. That's why I think personality or cognitive preference wiring still supersedes attachment style and that version of nurture theory.

NeedlesKane6

INTJ

Yea this is just part of the diversity of human circumstances. I see thinking types can better deal with these things better than the emotionally sensitive ones. I personally just look at it for understanding and introspective purposes. I hope others can find understanding and peace with themselves.

It is interesting, I know empathetic people that went through worst stuff yet they’re still emotional, it just affected them in a ways of insecurity, self doubt and self hatred more than being emotionally cold to others. The Fe and Te distinction. There definitely is a genetic predisposition involved there.