INFJ

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My therapist recommended I should share my story with the world on the hopes that it helps people. I am also hoping to maybe find some people that understand, which is why I figured this subreddit was appropriate. Some of the only people I have met that I connected with were INFJ's, probably because I am one myself (41m).

As part of the lyrics in one of my favorite songs says, "I was born in the rain". I almost died when I was born and had to be sent to the ICU. That has pretty much set the tone for things. Last I counted, I have almost died ten times. Some of the major one include ruptured appendix, CDiff after that, runaway bleeding after sinus surgery, thyroid levels tanking to zero, serotonin depletion syndrome twice, multiple autoimmune diseases, and of course suicidal depression. I have rebuilt my body 3 times weighing as little as 90lbs at 6'2. Doctors get pretty concerned if you reach that point lol. I have seen just about every specialist you can name and I won't even begin to list all the tests I have undergone.

My existence has been filled with mental and physical health issues. Like many people, I had anxiety growing up. Panic attacks starting when I was about 13 and continuing daily until I was about 35. I have been on every SSRI and SNRI for either anxiety or depression or both. My mind can loosely be described as a warzone, constantly dealing with those issues, I never really had a chance to rest. When your body and mind fail you, having a sense of control means everything and the thought of suicide gave me that control. I wore it like armor, knowing that all the pain would and could end eventually. For me, death wasn't just around, I knew it was coming and never in my wildest imagination did I think would live to see 40.

I keep wondering, are you born an INFJ or made one? Intensity was one of the INFJ traits I needed most to survive. And I guess that is really who I am, someone that spent life in a constant struggle to survive. I am the very definition of the tortured dreamer. Dreaming of love, dreaming of freedom, dreaming of purpose. Living in a fantasy is how I coped with the harshness of my reality. Somehow through all of it I managed to build a mostly successful life. A great career, friends that really care about me, and a unique perspective on things.

But sacrifices had to made, and for me that was relationships, finding a partner. There are really two reasons it had to be that way. The first is just how hard it would have been to have someone close to me watch me wither away and die. Like a warrior in combat, my concern for them a constant distraction (good old INFJ Empathy). I honestly haven't met anyone that I felt could be close to the darkness I called home. The other half of the coin was what if they left me? I could understand the why, but tasting love and having it ripped away from me... The tightrope walk likely would have been over at that point.

Having said that, it is the thing I wanted and still want most, someone to love and to love me in kind. I think many of you will understand this part. Most people I have met that were interested in me, did so because of what I call surface stuff. In other words what I could offer them instead of the person that I am. As INFJ's I find that we seek more than that, a deeper connection. Someone who understands, someone who is all in, a warrior to stand along side us through life. I think it is a dream we share and hopefully a reality for some of you.

Over the last 3 years, through nothing less than extreme discipline and effort, the long war seems to be ending. It mostly came down to testing every single food, every single supplement and vitamin, and finding the combination of those that this cursed vessel I am stuck in needed. Anxiety: gone, Depression: see ya, every other health symptom under the sun: a long awaited respite. It is hard to even put into words how it all feels, maybe it does feel like a dream, or waking up from a very long nightmare.

I want you all to know that yes, being an INFJ does hurt sometimes, but there is beauty in it as well. Caring so much about other people gave me a reason to keep fighting when I had no business doing so. In life, the happiest people are those who have suffered and therefore have an understanding of what is really important: the people they care about. How much brighter and warmer does the sun feel when you have been in a cold dark place? How does a cupcake taste after eating nothing but broccoli for weeks? How do you feel hugging your family after returning from a long tour of duty?

That is what life is about, the beautiful moments we find in the chaos. The dichotomy of light and shadow giving meaning to it all. My wish is that this post reaches some of you. Life is tough, but the human spirit is pretty tough too if you ask me. It is OK to be who we are, to feel deeply, to care so much, to want the world to be better. It isn't just OK, it is what this world needs and it is why I am still here, trying to make things a little bit brighter. I know that the love I seek is out there because it is in me. Remember that and keep being true to yourself.

If you made it this far thanks for reading, and if anyone needs someone to talk to feel free to DM me. Just another INFJ that cares about all of you and one that hopes you are keeping up the fight.

I didn't fully realise it at the time but my childhood friendships were all really sad. I had a consistent friend group who I really cared for and wanted to fit into but looking back, I was never taken seriously or understood. Always the one left out, digging holes in the dirt while the other kids played together or went on trips. I'm not so bitter about it now, I'm a teenager now and im gradually learning how to be myself again after years of rejection. So far, it's brought me some really cool friends who I never would have met if I wasn't the person I am today. But I'm curious about how other infjs experiences friendships as kids and how complicated it can get !

So I know there are plenty asking if it's works for INFJs but I want to know which works for those of us who have had success. Which do you suggest? I've tried a few before but it's been awhile.

I did not realize how social people are until I had to really deal with the consequences of my actions of “leaving people on delivered” or not responding for a week. I literally just do not have the energy and frankly these are not important people in my life right now, even if I do want to get to know them. Do normal individuals just have a constant flow of conversation online? How do I stop unintentionally being an asshole? I feel truly awful about it.

On my side, it’s like it completely drains my energy to communicate at a certain point. There has to be an end to a conversation to put my mind at ease, and apparently I take that upon myself. I always put my all in discussions/conversation, thinking about what to say, considering how people feel, and trying to make others comfortable. Obviously this is exhausting for me. Another question—does anyone else have this problem or 😭 it makes it incredible difficult to make friends unless I’m like, obsessed with someone or something.

When I found out that the "INFJ door-slam" was an actual thing that we have in common and wasn't just me being high-maintenance, things started to make a little more sense to me.. I also see a lot on this subreddit about us having little to no friends, apparently it's quite common for us.

When we door-slam somebody, we have great reason to do so, often it's because that person has been treating us like shit and we don't see any sort of positive outcome by having them around anymore..

We assess the situation and analyse their behaviour before making the most logical and yet healthy conclusion.. in other words, not letting them fuck with us anymore and stopping wasting our time on people who won't make the same effort towards us..

This, all be it, can be a great trait of ours because we can recognise when we need to stop humouring people who may have ill intentions towards us, but unfortunately also leads to us having a very small circle of friends.

I think we are very picky people when it comes to who we invite in, whether you may have realised it yet or not.. I used to think that all I wanted in a friend was for them to be somewhat "level-headed" but still fun to be around... but I think the reason why it feels so rare to come across is because it's difficult to find people like US and that's what we are truly looking for. A mutual desire for a deep connection, openness and someone who really values authenticity, respect and emotion.

For context, I've been 'friends' with this guy for 3 years. I don't know his mbti but he's always been kind of an asshole, truly, and has basically little to no empathy for others. I've noticed lately that he doesn't mind what methods are used to achieve his goals and his focus is on how he can use people, and how can they be useful to him.

Recently he contacted me with the pretext of "catching up", and fast forward an hour of talking on the phone, he tells me that the entire purpose of him calling me (keep in mind we hadn't spoken in a year) was to make a business proposal. Long story short, he wanted me to work for him, where he tried sugarcoating it and framing it as me being part of his team and standing on equal grounds to make money, but after he kept explaining himself it was very clear he was just trying to get me to do all the work for him just so he could profit. I've known him for years too, and I know he's your average manipulator in every sense of the word.

I'm sorry if it comes off as demonizing the other person but that's the best way I can simplify it. I'm at a point in life where I don't intend to keep wasting my time with anyone, especially with those who are persistent on doing stuff that doesn't benefit me at all. If someone has to go, they gotta go. I'm done giving second chances to people and it's the same in this case. I cut him off previously but let him back into my life (which was a mistake) and this particular situation is my last straw honestly. I'm not allowing anyone to mistake my kindness for weakness anymore.

My question is, when you decide to cut somebody out of your life, do you give them a reason as to why you're doing it, or do you simply stop contacting them?

How do you feel about sex/intimacy?

Im an Infj woman and was wondering what are y’all’s perceptives/opinions/peculiar things you’ve noticed we do.

Hey INFJs,

I’m struggling with maintaining friendships, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m the only one experiencing this. Each situation seems to be different from person to person, and despite doing a lot of soul-searching and reflection, I can never seem to pinpoint exactly what goes wrong.

I’m not perfect, and I’m aware of my own flaws. I always try to look back and see where I might have messed up. But I also know that I’m not 100% to blame in every situation. Sometimes it feels like my standards are too high, other times people lie to me, or they just ghost me entirely.

I’m desperately seeking a common thread in all these situations because I’m lonely and want nothing more than a few great friends who truly understand me. Friends who want to spend time together, grow together, laugh together, support each other, and so on. But I can never seem to make these connections last.

The only common thread I can identify is having high standards and expectations for people. I don’t think I know better than everyone else, and I consider myself extremely compassionate. I genuinely want to see people become their best selves. But I wonder if, over time, people start resenting me for continually evolving as a person.

It just sucks to care so deeply for nearly everyone you meet, to have compassion and empathy almost to a fault, and yet feel so isolated and lonely because you can’t make long-term connections.

Has anyone else experienced this? Can you relate? If so, what was your solution?

Thanks for reading my rambling. I appreciate any insights or perspectives you can offer.

Do you ever feel—especially at things like social events or public locations—that you end up being “over peopled” but “under personed”? Where you’re overloaded in the socializing department but didn’t really end up connecting with any of the people there? Makes me think of the whole “You can be lonely whilst surrounded by people.”

Hey fellow INFJs I wanted to ask do you all feel yeh same too? I have a few friends , I have been there for them all the time but when I am going through my lows, none of them ever care to reachout, they just treat me like a stranger? Is that making sense , I had a friend whom I knew for an year, but we talked almost daily so we got to know each other really well, I was there for them all the time gosh so many things I had done for them, rightnow when I am going through a low phase they don't even bother asking am I doing okay?

Basically what is happening is that at one moment all of my friends are talking to me and when there's anything that happens in my life everyone just distances themselves?

People say don't expect anything in return when you do things for them, but its okay to expect things from your close friends right? Atleast the basic minimum that they will be there for you when needed.

I told my bestfriend aswell about the stuff I am going through rn but they didn't bother a bit, yeah they asked if I'm okay but it felt forced.. I care and love for all my friends and I just don't even get the 1% back , I want to block everyone and just camp in a forest with a campfire I'm done with people genuinely, thanks for reading my rant

I'm really sorry if my post doesn't look like a well structured one, ik it's not, my emotions are all over the place

So long story short I've never had a gf before. In middle school and high school I was overweight and had bad social skills. First year of college I was confused and it was after the first year my rapid personality development happened.

This all happened after I met the first girl I had a crush on. It's crazy how I haven't had a crush on anybody except hey so far in life. After she rejected me, I was pretty depressed and started searching about what is wrong with me and then found out I was INFJ and then things took a big turn. My looks improved significantly, started going to the gym, got a sense of fashion and started taking care of my skin. My personality went from guy who did nothing except school to guy who does everything. I also all this time tried to fit in with others and after I realized I was an INFJ I decided to fuck it and be myself. That actually ended me being friends with the best people I've met in my life. I'd probably be considered the person with best personality if I ask my friends. However I haven't had any luck with getting a girlfriend yet. The closest I've been romantically with girls is dancing with them in clubs. I also look very young for my age so don't do well at all in dating apps so no luck there either.

I'm just confused if this will happen and if this is normal.

Recently, I've only just realised. What I call friends and what people call friends are two seperate things. To me, I've never had a solid friendship with anyone else. I get along with most people, but the relationship is shallow. All my life, this is what I call friends. In reality, what I have are just acquaintances. They like me, I like them, we chat sometimes, and that's about it. I go back home and we never text. It's like a whole different life in school and outside of school. In school, I'm surrounded with these people. Outside of school, I'm always stuck in my mind thinking about everything.

I just don't get it, why do I have no friends? Any ideas? Do any of you relate? What can I do?

I'm not the best at multitasking I'd say. But I like to improve it and get good at it. Sometimes it's difficult for me to regulate my emotions when I have to deal with people.

I wish I had better control of my emotions. Most of the time I have them under control. But if many things happen at the same time I can get overwhelmed because of so many stimuli.

I am injf t and I had my friend whom I had known for 12 years we became close recently and when I wasin high school now my school isoverthough we spend almost 2 years together and our bond grew strong ...I told her about birthday about how it was always ruined and she did the same for constantly 2 years just before my birthday she fights with me for any reason she expects me to post pictures of her my on my ig when she don't , she expects me remove those people whom she does not like but she kept those people whom I don't like and even hang out with them I always wanted her bday to be special and wanted to make her feel company so I ignored my ex boyfriend just to spend time with her and also I ignored almost egeryoneyfor her but atlast all shebsaid to m was if the universe was on my side that was breaking friendship with you not just once but twice

Hey this is my first post after scrolling in this subreddit for a while. I really relate to everything I see, this is crazy.

But I (F18) have looked back on my life experiences with others in my life growing up (adults, friends, boyfriends, etc.) and I've felt pretty negative in the majority of my relationships in life. I'm not too close with family, don't have many friends, and havent had many close/best friends. But on top of this, the experiences I've had with people around me have been some of the most invalidating and disrespectful treatment I've recieved. Mostly boys, I have tried to reach out to the people around me and make friends with people I've known for years but I just constantly find myself being disrespected as a person for things like setting boundaries and speaking up for myself, and being called crazy or a slut. Even when it's been girlfriends, I've been lied to, lied ABOUT, talked about behind my back, had my privacy invaded, been insulted unprovoked, had my secrets held against me. You get it. Time after time, I find myself making friends with the wrong people and just ending up feeling really hurt and misunderstood.

The heart of my post is that I'm about to leave for college and I'm having a lot of mixed emotions about it. I'm excited to leave my terrible experiences behind, never have to see/talk to certain people again, and begin a new part of my life but I'm feeling really anxious about meeting people, fostering new connections with others, and being vulnerable again. I almost feel like I dont even want to try to make friends and it'll just end in heartbreak anyways. A part of me is scared that I'll never find someone to connect with that ALSO values and respects me as an individual. I am trying to be positive and hold out hope that I will meet new people and make great friends in college and finally have the life experiences I'd love to have, and maybe I was just a victim of my circumstance and surroundings?

—

Does anyone have any advice for feeling emotionally scorned by the people in my past when entering a new phase in life?

How to open up after years of betrayal and heartbreak from friendships/relationships?

Sorry for the long post! <3

It looks like I will be returning to the workforce after 17 years as a SAHM. Great opportunity, kids are 16 and 13, no reason not to, but, of course, I'm an INFJ and I HATE change. As excited as I am about the job, I'm in an INFJ spiral of mourning all those years at home with little kids, all that time I delusionally think I had to pursue other interests and use my time as I liked. I'm fretting over the idea that I might not have made the best of the time and freedom I had, and that I didn't do enough (as if keeping kids alive is nothing or something).

As an INFJ, how do you help yourself with big transitions and get excited about new beginnings instead of getting all dark and philosophical about things ending?

i think i’m an awkward person, i don’t know how to socialize… i think

i’m infj based the result of assessment available online

every time i go out with my partner for some gatherings, after few hi and hello, i keep myself busy and always on my phone, avoiding engaging in conversation. Somehow when i tried, i can’t seem to find a good topic and it gets getting more awkward, so i stopped doing it. i don’t know if it has something how i approach people, or just me looking not interested, or i don’t know what else

so i think main question is, how infj socialize if its something that can’t be avoided?

Hey! Please help us (non-INFJ) know. Thanks for your answers in advance!

I've had a crush on my INFJ friend for almost three years now. We're both in our twenties but I have absolutely no experience in romantic relationships. Never had sex, never kissed, haven't even been on a date. I stupidly assumed my crush was the same, because he can be a little awkward and he acts so kind and innocently. He's also not stereotypically masculine.

Recently, we've been getting closer and I thought he might like me, because he usually places himself in close proximity to me and it feels like he's become more attentive towards me. A couple of days ago, he sat down beside me and pressed his whole body against me.

I just found out that he has in fact dated a couple of people before. He has a lot more experience than me and now I'm feeling really insecure. I'm physically ugly, and I'm socially awkward as well. How can I possibly compare to other people he's dated? I trust his judgement, so the ones he dated must have been very nice people. I don't know if I've just been delusional all this time thinking he liked me. I thought he didn't ask me out because he might be unsure how to initiate a relationship, but he's actually been in multiple relationships. I'm also feeling so stupid for assuming he's never been in any relationships before, because he's the biggest green flag I've ever met, and he's also physically attractive. Of course other women would flock to him.

This is so stupid but I can't help feeling hurt and betrayed, even though I know he did nothing wrong at all. I guess I wanted to be his first, and him to be my first. I wanted to be someone special to him. This stupid little fantasy I built is crumbling and now I'm left facing reality. I'm feeling so dumb, delusional and sad. Sorry for the long rant.

I am going to say I am nice and sweet to people I care about, I check in on them, I listen to them, I make time for them despite my busy schedule. I always put them first because I love them. But man I am tired people take my kindness for granted. They walk all over me. I always like to spend time with them, but I feel like they don't enjoy my presence as much as I enjoy theirs, so I basically beg them to spend time with me and IT'S NOT FUN. I deserve better people in my life who won't take me for granted, but I feel like I've been so unlucky to always meet these superficial and selfish people.

INTP female here. Known an INFJ guy for about 2 years now. We get along well and I can proudly tell that I am his closest friend in our setting. Up until recently I thought our relationship is purely platonic, but I've started to feel all fluffy inside when with him/thinking about him, and I think I at least have a crush on him. I am in a committed relationship that works well, and I love my partner. I don't know how to handle my own feelings, what are they exactly and if I even need to vocalize them. I work on logic and often oblivious to my own feelings. I am not planning on leaving my partner. Something inside me making hard not to confess to him about this strange phenomenon.

Hi,

Unfortunately I find myself unconsciously repeating things, interrupting out of fear to forget and calling many times , talking loud and fast and not keeping track of things and having to pay for those mistakes. I'm an introvert and energy sensitive, but work being so sensory intense and in the moment i react outwardly with talking a lot, my voice becomes different etc. like I become out of tune with myself.

People can get annoyed of me, esp with my pushy moments.

Then I get those adrenaline sprouts that makes me wanna do things but I barley got things together and it becomes chaos.

I'm nearing my 30s and still undecided about work.

Is there anyway to act and think clearly, and just being normal.

I'm not yet medicated because of the long process here in Sweden.

Hello again my favorite archetype or maybe I'm just idealizing you hehe. Still INFJs still feel a mystery to me, I have never really known an INFJ deeply and personally in my personal life. But I really wanna be close to INFJs. How can someone get accepted by INFJ, how do you choose your people?

It is not like I am looking actively for one specific person, but all the relationships I have had have been online. Currently I am in a state of limbo with one and I had a breakdown via text with them, they said need to read and consider but probably they are sleeping or mad. I have had trouble keeping a balance since I am pretty forward with this but I may grow too attached to people and I'm thinking that it does more harm than good. That is not what I would want, the breakdown rose due to self doubts and insecurities from a previous relationship that ended badly. But to be fair I always had those very punishing thoughts towards myself. Now there is nothing to do but wait, but it does feel that all relationships I have had always end with me wallowing in self pity. There is no exact way if fixing it of course but, it is the first time I post here and I was unsure how to go about it. If it gets deleted or removed I wanted to apologize, thank you for reading.