MIL insinuated I was stupid and reckless with my baby’s life. She still wants to be grandma. How do I move forward?

Your husband needs to deal with this. It’s his mom.

Everything coming out of her mouth is her problem. She had unprocessed trauma/feelings from her own birth. As a birthworker, I have noticed this happens all the time.

You had the birth you wanted. It's your health, and you must be confident in that. Your health choices are the private choices of you and your partner. If this comes up again or randomly at a birthday party or at Thanksgiving politely change the topic.

Postpartum, you are extra sensitive and need time to heal. Minimize visitors for a few weeks, even with grandparents. If you need help, get a Postpartum doula or only have those around who you feel safe with.

Wow, she sounds like all the people who hang out on the main pregnancy subs here.

I hear you. Despite two low key, calm, fast, and safe home births neither my mother or MIL can fully admit it was right for us. I had zero negative experiences from my firdt births (and the second) but they still were pushing for me to switch care or that i "couldnt do it" and would. E begging for an epidural. No matter how I explain risking out or the various emergencies my midwives are trained for, they both couldn't give up "but what if?!". I slowly then quickly realized that we had very different opinions on birth and then parenting and while mine have been based on information seeking and then doing what instinctually feels good, their's were based pretty solely on fear.

Eventually I had to start shutting down the conversation with "I'm not going to talk about this". As I got more ballsy I started saying, "do you really think I would make a decision that would significantly put my baby at risk?" and then they typically would get the hint that they were being offensive and questioning my ability to make sound decisions. Again, no amount of "educating" was going to change their mind.

I think the last thing I would empower you to remember is that you are the Mom. No one knows your baby better than you which means you have more information than anyone else to make the best decision for them. You and your partner are the experts in your baby. No book, "expert", or experienced caregiver is going to know how to care for your baby better. So your MIL may say things about birth, or feeding, or sleep, or whatever else, but YOU are the expert. Only you can make the best and most informed decision for your baby!

She’s definitely projecting. These are the words of someone who had two traumatic births and told herself stories to make it okay.

Join your husband in grey rocking, and no more visits until you’ve healed.

I wonder if your MIL knows that c section babies are three times more likely to die and mothers five times more likely to die versus vaginal birth 🤔🤔🤔

IMO this is on your husband to deal with. “Mom, you will not be welcome in our home if you continue this behaviour”…

Midway and homebirth mama here. When I planned my first homebirth (which ended up as a hospital induction due to pre-eclampsia) I told my family that our decisions were made and if they didn’t respect our choices they might have a limited part of our life moving forward. I didn’t want negativity and judgment and people contradicting our decisions.

When I got sent to the hospital my grandmother said “thank god!” and I was so pissed at her delighting in our dramatic physical situation that could have killed me, and she still thought it was preferable to me birthing at home.

In the weeks following the birth we prepared family for all of the unconventional choices we were going to make moving forward, and explained that they were non-negotiable. My grandmother and mom co-slept and breastfed all of their kids, but selective or no vaccines was a big issue further a bit with both. My mom did the research and realized how frought the subject was, and came around to support my side fully.

My husband’s family was probably losing it as they formula fed and had as little contact with their babies as possible so as not to spoil them, but they had no impact on our life. Part of my husband’s growth during the pregnancy was coming to terms with what his parents were and weren’t. They were never good parents, other than a few good memories. He found himself separating from them during that time as he realized what a joy it was to be a hands-on parent. His relationship with them has been changed forever. It’s been 16 years, and two more kids an even though he’s tired and nearly 50 he still can’t reconcile doing things their way.

My grandmother died angry and mean and sad, despite all of us trying to love her. It was her personality.

Some people just can't stand to see other people have good things. Try to remember how small she really is as a person when she says those things. She would rather disrespect and alienate her son's wife and mother of her grandchild, than admit there is more than one "right" way to do things.

1. You could say "wow, you're really insulting the mother of your grandchild? I'm embarrassed for you." Something like that. Sometimes it helps to just say how cringe it was for the thing to be said at all. Knocks them back a bit.

2. You can say "I would do anything for my child, even if it means cutting out a toxic grandparent. Hand me my baby now and leave. I expect an apology and improved behavior from you if you choose to be a part of our lives."

3. I like to be a bit melodramatic sometimes, so one comeback that came to me that I just have to share: "I dedicated my entire pregnancy to preparing and researching how to have the safest, most peaceful birth for the sake of my health and my baby's health. I did everything I could NOT to get cut to pieces, and now you think I'm going to let you cut me to pieces with your words? Not today. Not ever. Leave."

If you feel you don't have the strength to stand up to her, you could direct your husband to do this. But the hope is that if you reframe how you see her behavior, you will find the strength to set the hard boundary. Even if your voice shakes and your eyes tear up. Don't yell or scream. Say it as authoritatively as you can. Let the weight of the words cut like a knife.

Your husband needs to have your back as well. He should be ready to step in, whether to verbally set the boundary himself if you feel you can't, or at the very least to play bouncer by taking your child from her and escorting her off the premises.

Anyway, I'm no expert, though in my own life I've transformed previously toxic relationships with my family into something resembling normalcy and even love. The first thing to remember is to keep your head held high. Her words don't diminish your strength, your determination, your accomplishments, or your motherly love. All her words do is show you she has some misplaced preconceptions and she likes to run her mouth to hurt vulnerable people. Even if it's the most important person in her own baby's life. How sad is that? Call it out and let her wrestle with that behavior herself. It's not yours to fix. The sooner she fixes her attitude, perhaps the sooner she will get to be a part of her grandchild's life.

I think there might be a weird misconception that midwives are unqualified or just some lady off the side of the street. Maybe sharing with her your midwives background and education/ experience? It sounds like you are freshly PP which can make these situations difficult emotionally. I’m hoping as your confidence grows in yourself as a mom and in how you birthed, her rude and unsolicited comments will bother you less and less. I roll my eyes at my MIL for her uneducated and ridiculous opinions. They used to bother me though, but I am so confident in myself as a mother and the decisions I make now that I don’t care. I truly believe this will happen for you too. In the meantime I agree that your husband should say something to her. 💙

My mil is a baby/mom nurse and has expressed doubts and concerns to me, my husband, and our families about me having a homebirth. I think a lot of it is ignorance because she was surprised when I told her my midwives are certified, went to school, have had years of experience, carry oxygen/have the necessary abilities and tools if, heaven forbid, something were to go awry. And we live within 5 minutes of a hospital. Most people mistakenly think midwives are some mountain dwelling primitive witch or something, and have also never witnessed an undisturbed, psychological, natural birth both in/out of hospital setting. My mil admitted to me she only deals with “higher risk” moms and babies at the hospital and has only ever seen the homebirth moms/babies at the hospital in transfer. So her perspective is understandably (wrong but I understand why) negative. A lot of women have unprocessed and unhealed birth trauma from their own births (in hospitals) and project it onto new mothers. You should not have to deal with her comments freshly PP; no mother should have someone berating and questioning their birth and choices as a mother. I completely understand being shy about it because I am the same way. Please have your husband talk to her about the way she talks to you/about your birth. I wish you the best! Congratulations on a beautiful and healthy baby and homebirth!

Like I said before, you don't allow her to see the baby, nor hold it. It doesn't matter what your boyfriend/husband thinks. If she can't respect you, he should understand. You don't let people like that around your child period till she learns boundaries and till she learns to be respectful. Your child is fine. Who cares that she had two c sections? She probably didn't even need them, the hospital just lied to her because she lacked proper knowledge she put her baby in harms way by getting that c section. She probably took an epidural too. Which contains fentanyl, doesn't sound like keeping baby safe to me. Send her that text right now. Nobody that disrespects the mother of the child can be considered a grandma.

Your husband needs to tell his mom if he can’t respect your choices she’s going to be getting limited contact . If he doesn’t set a boundary with his mom, this will be very challenging to change.

“It’s really unfortunate that you needed c sections for your births. Thankfully, I didn’t need a surgery to birth my baby, and I was supported the entire way through by medical professionals. You know my (midwife, dr, provider) said that homebirth was actually safer in my case and I trust the opinion of medical professionals, just as you did in the time of you c sections.

In the future, let’s avoid the topic of birth, since we clearly have different philosophies. Everyone can choose what to do with their own bodies and it’s a personal decision. I won’t allow my children to hear any fearful stories of birth and I don’t want to be surrounded by them myself.”

And then each time she tries to fear monger or guilt you, just leave the room. Be rude about it, otherwise she will not get the message.

If she’s holding your baby, say something like “wow grandma is being such a silly goose and not respecting the boundary I put up, so we’re gonna go to the (other room) for a few minutes so she has a moment to remember what I told her about birth stories and guilt!” And then take your baby and smile and tell your mil “lmk when you’re ready to see baby again”

Be freaking rude. Don’t accept guilt and fear lingering in your own house in front of your own child. Let her be offended.

I freaking hate people like this.

First of all, mom's stress is babys stress, full stop. Everything is connected between mom and baby so they feel everything you do. No, not caring about yourself is not "good for the baby" wtaf is wrong with her!?!??!!

Also, she needs a long time out with an explanation that if she keeps it up, the time outs will escalate. 

Your husband needs to shut this down clearly and unambiguously. You can work inside yourself on not caring what she thinks bc none of those bad things happened, AND, I can guarantee that she has buried feelings about her sections.

It is time to shame her right back. It isn't your fault her body wasn't up for the very natural act of childbirth, unlike you.

In all seriousness your husband needs to tell his mom she needs to fuck off with that shit. If he hears she has said one more disrespectful underhanded bullshit comment she will be gone for a month. The next time it is two. She will either learn or you won't have to see her anymore, win win.

Oh yes. My MIL had 3 scheduled C-sections and has this exact mentality. I’m grateful I’ve had the opportunity to know her stance for the past several years already with my husband’s sibling and his spouse who have had 9 home births! She’s been no stranger to sharing her strong opinions on how much she hated it. We’ve had two unmediated hospital births and plan for the next to be a homebirth. I know she didn’t like the unmediated waiting to go into labor naturally method just as much.

This is what Grandmas do. They tell new mothers the benefits of raising children the way they raised you or the other parent. It happens to almost all new mothers, whether they birth at home or not. You have the right to parent according to your own conscience. You have the right to walk away. However, you also have the ability to transcend her comments so that your children can grow up peacefully with a grandma who cares about them.

Early postpartum is such a sensitive time. I try to assume positive intentions with my MIL and family. I don’t always succeed but it can help me refocus on the fact that we all love the kids and all want “what’s best” for them, even if that means wildly different things. Ultimately we as parents get to choose, and we all love them. Over the years I’ve also had some talks with my MIL that helped me see all the trauma she has from her three cesarean births and her issues with breastfeeding. These don’t excuse any rude comments, it just helps me see her with more love and compassion. I think my births and the way we parent- which are so different for her-have been very confronting and caused cracks in some beliefs she had, and all of that has been painful for her. I also accepted that it doesn’t matter what anyone in the family thinks of our choices because my husband and I are confident in what we are doing. It simply does not matter what they think and we can’t control that anyways. I hope you can find a way to maintain boundaries. Enlist your husband to help facilitate or try talking to her when you feel up to it.

Remember, if the other person needs to do something in order for your boundary to be upheld, it's not really a boundary, it's a request. If your MIL cannot interact politely or go along with your requests, that's her choice, and you can't force her.

If you want to put up boundaries, they would be taking actions such as removing yourself from a negative situation, or not engaging, or acting in whatever specific way you feel is right so that it's not physically possible for your boundary to be crossed.

So get clear about what your boundaries are, and then learn to enforce them yourself. I know how hard that is. But no one else will do it for you. Of course you and your husband can be seen as a team on this--if both of you choose it. You can't force your husband to do it either.

You can try to shame your MIL as some people suggest, but does that solve your problem? Would you feel good about doing it? I certainly wouldn't. And it's unlikely to change her behavior in my opinion.

Your hubby needs to deal with this. And his mother ought to know better; she is a GROWN WOMAN.

As a mother myself, I have helped my daughter (who is almost 17) deliver two babies at home. She has had no issues whatsoever.

Your MIL is ignorant; she needs to know that home birth is an option.

Honestly I think she feels insecure and inadequate ; I don’t know her so I am assuming , but to play devils advocate I don’t think she was trying to shame you as much as she was trying to make herself feel better .. my mother in law had 2 c sections and could never figure out breastfeeding, she also makes inappropriate comments but I think it’s just because she missed out on some big things in life ;two of the craziest most beautiful empowering things the human body can do , if you can try and give her some grace !

Your husband needs to stress that it was a beautiful labour and both so even if she didn’t agree with the principle look how well it turned out

First, the rule is if someone doesn’t respect the mother they lose access to the child, simple. One day she’ll disrespect you in front your kid when they’re older so don’t worry, the kid will learn why you distance (if you choose to do so). Secondly, you husband needs to step it up and put his mom in his place. That’s not your responsibility.

My MIL has a similar approach to birth. She was not supportive of my homebirth and spent most of my pregnancy telling me about her two traumatic hospital births as if that’s the only way one can give birth. Unfortunately her daughter also had two very traumatic hospital births, I believe that part of that is because that’s all she knew of birth.

I think my MIL just feels the need to justify her traumatic experience that she obviously never emotionally worked through. It’s probably the same for yours. My husband is supportive of homebirth now but even he had been influenced by his mother and was nervous going into my first birth. How does your husband view your birth? It might be worth getting him to speak to her or sitting down with your husband and her together to discuss it.

She has no right to speak to you like that and it’s important to set boundaries now otherwise she may do this with other parenting decisions you make. Your baby is not her baby and her being in your life is a privilege for her.

Anecdotally I had to set some strict boundaries with my MIL after she very unfairly criticised me in my own home including calling me some very rude things. She’s still annoyed about it but I feel so much better and in control of the situation. I’m approaching the birth of my second child now and I don’t discuss much with her at all; I’ve had way less anxiety

I had a disapproving mother in law who is a retired labor and delivery nurse, but thankfully she backed off. She doesn’t talk about it anymore. I’ve had 3 home births and about to have my 4th. I hope she does the same for you. If your husband doesn’t want to id speak up to her and let her know it’s not up for discussion and you won’t spend time with her if she talks about it. I’ve had to stand up to my MIL a few times and she apologized and backed off and stopped talking about it. Unfortunately not all MIL’s do even that but you never know.

First of all, you are 100% in the right for standing up for yourself, choosing to trust your own body instead of giving your power away for Martyr Points, and doing all the due diligence to make sure you got the birth you wanted. Your husband needs to kindly tell his mommy that her Martyr Points don't mean shit anymore, that she needs to shut her trap about it around you for the rest of her life, and that if she's gonna be over at your place she needs to act right That means be helping with anything and everything, not hanging around waiting to be catered to.

Trust me, my own mother told me that horrible things (including death!!!) would definitely happen to me if I dared to give birth at home because she couldn't handle even early labor, and she was absolutely incorrect. I've had two kids at home so far, and I've straight up told my mother, "I guess I'm just built different", which absolutely means "I'm made of tougher stuff than you ever were". My mom hasn't so much as visited, let alone lifted a single finger, to help me during either of my postpartums and her level of access to getting to enjoy her grandkids is very much reflective of that. My MIL though, has truly been the MVP in this whole grandkids endeavor. She wonderful, and she never doubted me in the slightest.

I would flip it back. Make some underhanded comments right back. Something like.

"That's okay. My generation just knows better and isn't so brainwashed to believe that we aren't capable of doing things that our bodies are designed for."

Idk I would sit and think on it and formulate a great response back. Something along the lines of "I'm not a sheep." I have a nasty MIL, and I expect I'll deal with this soon.

Why is emergency in quotation?