My aunt is trying to give me the "trans cure" and thinks that if I continue to see myself as a boy I will want to "cuddle" and feel attracted to my sister (I thought my situation was bad, but it got a lil worse) . TW: Transphobia

Discussion

Context, I'm going to be 18, recloseted ftm pre-transition, pulled out of the closet last year, I live in Brazil and with my evangelical parents.

I've been through some prejudices before, from being called a devil, saying that God could kill the person I love to make me suffer, being called mentally ill according to my mother, people like me being considered pedos and many other things, I've already tried to kill myself, but it didn't work out at all, among others.

I know the title sounds like a lie, but I really wish it was 💀.

My aunt called me and talked privately about me having demonic thoughts (just the dysphoria I've felt since I was 7, that can't be the devil shit). I obviously lied, pfttt, my safety first. Then out of nowhere she started saying, "You know how your mother blames herself for you being trans, she's very worried. You've stopped having those thoughts, right? It's just that when you see yourself as a boy, you go being attracted to girls and wanting to "cuddle" your sister. You know that's how the devil does it" 💀. (like, she's 13)

Where the hell did she get that??? Who the hell is attracted to siblings??? That shit she said doesn't make any sense. Like, I love her (my aunt), but what she said was ridiculous. Does this mean that when my 9-year-old brother gets older he will have these desires for his sister???

Seriously man, I still can't believe it. Where did she get that??? It's a fact that I'm affectionate with everyone in the family. I give hugs and kisses on the cheek, if I could I would do the same (mainly hugs) with my friends and teachers (I consider them friends). And I'm ace, why the hell would I feel that???

Fuck, I'm even swearing, I never thought I'd hear shit like that. Where did this idea come from?? From Freud by any chance??? I don't even know what it's like to feel sexual attraction for being an ace, much less romance (I don't think I can have that because I feel too dysphoric for that and because I grew up in a very religious environment, which I'm sure affected me in my development, so far it hasn't I understand jokes for adults a lot of the time).

Damn, I know it must be hard for parents to find out about this, especially religious parents, but I gave them like 7 months without raising my voice just so they could process this. They haven't even come to try to understand my point of view or ask me since when I feel this way. It seems like they think that only they suffer, or that I didn't care about their feelings! Damn, when I found out I was crying my eyes out because I thought I let Jesus down (fortunately I managed to reconcile this shit through a dream where Jesus said where I need to improve and the fact that he didn't say anything about being trans) and my parents! To make matters worse, I have to go to a church that is not open and I have to hear a lot of very prejudiced things to say the least.

I don't understand when they say I'm regressing. Since last year I have been making an effort to love others more, have empathy, compassion, not hold grudges and inform myself more about things

I know they love me, but damn, I'm going to need a break. My goal is to try to get into Brazilian navy school, since when I graduate I will have a six-month trip around the world reviewing everything I learned and then moving directly to another state. The only problem is that I'm going to have to enter as a female (dysphoria is going to kill me here) since I won't be able to change my documents, or take t without having money and being expelled. My only fear about this is what it would be like to start the transition inside. I can already see the prejudice and if this is stupid they could still disqualify me (by the way, it would be really cool if they gave affirmative treatment there, especially top surgery).

Seriously, I love them with all my life and I forgive easily, but that was fucked up. Has anyone ever experienced something like this or am I really fucked up? Serious, are the straight okay??

in ftmby Bobslegenda194517 Recloseted FTM

98%

1mo

doohdahgrimes11

1mo

Bro that’s crazy. My parents def have said some weird things bc they are very uneducated, but more on the lines of “so you don’t wanna get married?? Who will wanna marry you, she will have to be sort of gay?” Etc and the classic “why can’t you just be a masculine lesbian”.

Sounds like ur aunt has some issues not you 😭

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

Yeah guy, I knew that it is normal they say that when they are uneducated abou that, but I never waited for it 💀

pomelopith

1mo

Bro transphobes are gross as hell 😭

My dad's wife deadass said the same shit to me when I started socially transitioning. She started interrogating me about the nastiest stuff and insisted I was attracted to my sister. I don't know what gives transphobes the nerve to say stuff like that but it's TERRIBLE

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

Yeah, like where they get it 💀💀??? Their minds are more polueted than the Pacific trash Island in the Pacif ocean 💀💀💀

lukewarm-trash

I’ve got no dick!

1mo

Damn dude, Im sorry you have to deal with this shit

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

Thanks for the support.

Birdcrossing

1mo

stop lying to yourself, they do not love you. get out of there.

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

They always say that they are against this "permissive" love thing and that they love me. But man, I don't know, their love is getting a little unhealthy. Like man, it seems like only they think they're suffering, as if I'm not suffering, they still haven't stopped to understand me and so on. I know I'm not perfect and all that, but I think you could try to understand me. That's why I'm going to join the navy, so I can have a reason to move to another state. My beloved Christ, they are making me paranoid about feeling dysphoria or euphoria because I think they will notice or God will tell them

pupperydog

1mo

Are they narcissists?

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

I really don't know 💀, it is like they want my well, but without talking. It have the vibe: "your parents know the best"

IdhrenBlythe

post-gender

1mo

Hey man, I'd 100% look into how the navy treats queer people in Brazil, and knowing our region, I'd have my hopes quite down. But idk, Brazil could be the exception! (Here in Venezuela you could get expelled from military service for being gay until very recently and I'm not too sure if the new regulation actually IS useful to prevent homophobia, so, yeah.) If the situation isn't great with the navy, maybe consider moving to a more progressive city or migrating as soon as you can/after working and saving up for a time. I'm not sure how you feel about Portugal, but they have a fairly solid system, and language barriers kinda prevent me from recommending Argentina or Chile (imo best countries to be queer in South America, but Argentina has a solid question mark with Milei being there). Spanish should be "easy" to learn if you choose that route. I hope you can find a good outcome. Stay strong and true to yourself.

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

I did some research and they treated two trans people that I remember badly. One had to join the army and was discharged. But at least the first two got compensation and returned to work there.

I think Argentina would be more acceptable if I were to move to South America, even though they are super racist and inflation is bad. I think I could even learn quickly

Spanish, at least I would be able to understand.

Portugal would also be interesting, even though they want to come back with some fascist movements.

If everything goes well, I hope the Navy will be enough to at least have a good excuse to move me by force (they would only let me move if I married a man of God to be "cured").

I hope everything is well in Venezuela, have a good day!

fussomoro

1mo

You are having problems with evangelicals in the family and you want to work for the navy? A famously conservative and increasingly religious organization?

I think things look so dire because you are surrounded by people that think you are a problem to be fixed.

Not that things are easier with a non religious family, there still will be prejudice, but they don't consider it a sin. So time can fix your relationship with a non religious family member, but the religious ones will always consider you a sinner and someone in need to be saved from hell.

In my experience, living in a big city and having open minded friends makes all the difference.

Places like São Paulo downtown are full of people going through the same thing. Also young people in bigger cities will hardly care about your gender. At least the cool ones.

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

My original plan was not to join the navy, but to enter forestry engineering ( work with reforestation and such), but the only college in the state is very far from home, about 116 km. I can't go every day, we would spend a lot of money, and my parents would never let me live alone. The biggest problem was that this region was taken over by the militia, there is now a curfew there and they even killed a veterinary student there.

There's all this conservative shit in the navy, but if everything goes well the government wants to introduce some inclusive policies and when the navy doesn't respect gender they should pay the dereipetado a mutual benefit and he can stay in the navy if he wants.

The positive thing about the Navy is that my parents always say "join the Navy" and if they see me doing that, they must think I'm cured (mainly because it's a conservative area).

In the navy, after finishing naval school, I will receive around 35,000 dollars for the golden trip (a trip around the world putting knowledge into practice) which lasts 6 months. Here would be the best way to at least take a break and relax. After that, work forces me to move to other states. Even if I had the financial means to be able to move (I think Santa Catarina is an interesting state, there are progressive places. I just hope they fix these shitty Neo Nazis), they would only allow me to move if I married someone from the Church to be 'cured', with the Navy I said thank you. It's a great excuse. Then, when I get a good amount of money, I'll change states (if I'm lucky, even country) and enroll in a rural college that has forestry engineering, and if everything goes well, maybe even go backpacking one day.

I think things look so dire because you are surrounded by people that think you are a problem to be fixed.

Not that things are easier with a non religious family, there still will be prejudice, but they don't consider it a sin. So time can fix your relationship with a non religious family member, but the religious ones will always consider you a sinner and someone in need to be saved from hell.

Yes, that is the main problem. In my opinion, 2/3 of the world could hate me, but in my family I would at least have emotional support (for me it would mean everything to be accepted by my family), even more so in Latin America where (I could be wrong, but in general the whole it) highly values family. Here you only usually leave after getting married, it is practically moral and obligatory to help her after getting money (I would even help honestly), so imagine in an evangelical family. So you kind of feel like you betrayed and let them down.

The navy would be the biggest bet honestly. If I can handle it this far, I think I can handle them. It's better to take insults from strangers than from people who are really close (and I think I'll be able to win them over with kindness, even if I don't, at least I did what's right).

Thanks for the support, have a nice day.

pupperydog

1mo

Can you stay away from your aunt? She gives me the uh-oh feeling.

Bobslegenda1945

17 Recloseted FTM

1mo

She is starting to give me this vibe too. But it is hard, because when my parents have to work, I can't stay alone at our house and the lack of internet here (my mother took it away because of money, but I'm sure the fact that I'm trans was the trigger for this). So I end up being forced to go. And like, it's kind of cool because at the same time I love her, but sometimes she gives me the vibe of "oh my God, this feels a little toxic 💀" and like, she even gives me gifts (I got a bike last year), But I don't know, man, that's a little sus.