Screw transphobes and their "You're destroying yourself with hormones" narrative.

Celebratory

I (27) have struggled with depression, panic disorder and later, bipolar type I since childhood.

Testosterone has almost completely fixed that for me. I started t in late December of 2022. My starting dosage was too high and my anti-depressants were also at a very high hose, which is why I ended up in a manic/mixed episode that was honestly terrible.

That episode ended in March 2023. I haven't had a bipolar episode in either direction since. I'm almost one year episode-free!

I usually get horrible seasonal depression, but showed no signs of that this year. In fact, I was able to come off my anti-depressants altogether recently!

I'm the most stable I've ever been!!

in ftmby LeonieMalfoyhe/they | 💉 12/27/2022

97%

3mo

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Round-Inevitable-596

17->18 | T 29/07/2023 | DID diagnosed

3mo

I think my experience, among many others, pretty much proves that some people have a neurobiological need to take HRT/not take HRT. T cleared up my brain so much it went from 10% pre-puberty function (clarity, processing speed, depth of thoughts, emotions, and sensory perception) to 100% pre-puberty function. My overall mood wasn't worse during puberty and before T at all, my brain just didn't work regardless of how I felt.

Unfortunately, as much as I genuinely feel male at times and can't stand being physically female, I genuinely feel cis female for quite a significant chunk of the time, get reverse dysphoria, and am horrified at the T changes. During the first 5 months, I got convinced I was never trans, it's all placebo, and tried to taper off T multiple times, but my brain function goes down the lower my T levels drop every single time, no matter how I subjectively feel my gender. I rushed into T on my own accord because I couldn't stand living a brain that was so nerfed I couldn't experience anything close to what I'd call a "life", and I can't go off T because of the same reason.

At this point, I don't consider myself fully trans or fully cis but I've finally figured out why I struggled so much, and decided to stay put on a regular dose of T indefinitely. The physical changes have been a net positive since I don't have my functioning hindered by debilitating dysphoria anymore, but I'm honestly not on HRT for the physical changes because I don't have any consistent idea of the type of body I'd like to have.

I wish the neurobiological differences (which can be extremely drastic for some) made it into mainstream discourse. HRT is so much more than the physical changes.

Codapants

3mo

At this point, I don't consider myself fully trans or fully cis but I've finally figured out why I struggled so much, and decided to stay put on a regular dose of T indefinitely.

Can I ask what it is that you figured out? I'm a little scared of experiencing reverse dysphoria once I start transitioning (didn't realize that was a term actually) but I also don't feel female at all.

Round-Inevitable-596

17->18 | T 29/07/2023 | DID diagnosed

3mo

Well, my struggle isn't statistically common even among the trans/detrans experiences I've read. I'd say don't worry about it getting this bad if similar problems haven't ever popped up before T.

I've been having significant periods of feeling cis female and having reverse dysphoria (from not being feminine enough) far into childhood, and it got worse as we started presenting male and using a male legal name. When it came to considering T, I kept on going from certain I wanted the T effects to dreading the thought of starting T and back, rapidly.

Around May last year, there were some serious emotionally damaging conflicts with my parents over the issue. After that crushed me, there were a few times I'd suddenly feel like the way I've seen and presented myself my entire life was a lie, I wouldn't have genuinely liked any of the things I had in my room, or made any of my major life decisions, or made the friends I have now. I couldn't remember feeling genuine dysphoria in my life, but I could remember quite a few instances along the way I really liked being feminine and being a girl.

I'd cry like I've arrived at an enlightening epiphany. I'd want to run out and tell my parents their daughter is back but there's be an internal thought process convincing me to wait another few days before saying a word to my parents about it. So I'd go on the trans server and my chat with my close friends and type long-ass essays about the epiphany, that I had been absolutely wrong believing I was trans the whole time, I genuinely felt cis and don't feel real dysphoria, wanted to start my life properly as cis, didn't want to be called my chosen legal name at all (though I couldn't figure out a new name on the spot) and asked people to call me she/her or she/they. Everyone I knew were really supportive and they just told me they're really glad I figured myself out.

Next day, I wake up, wear the full female uniform to school. Think about how I regret cutting my hair in the first place and I would never get my long hair back anytime soon. When I step into school it's like stepping into school for the first time, getting to know my classmates for the first time, etc. even though I know I've been attending school for months. I also felt like it was wrong being there, that I should be back in 2020, attending my old school. It felt like someone else was living my life after that. But I felt so relieved about being cis, but I also felt really apprehensive, as I felt like I had to overthrow everything about the life I've crafted to be my authentic self, not just gender wise, but the entire personality I've been assuming of myself and interacting with people as.

Then within a day of the initial shift, something in my brain snaps and the regular me would take over, remembering watching quite a bit from the above happen. I'd get seriously annoyed, like "that was fucking ridiculous. I don't feel cis in the slightest way. Why would I feel cis, jump to conclusions so impulsively, or go on such melodramatic rants? I knew it. I'm 100% sure I have serious dysphoria. Now I have to take back all my words from my friends."

The entire cycle happened a few times both before and after T, and each time looked scarily similar except I didn't feel new in school. I knew it was seriously suspicious of OSDD1b/DID but dismissed it as a real possibility because (1) I just wanted to believe those detrans episodes were coping mechanisms to repress so I could be confident starting T (2) I didn't believe I ever had childhood trauma and it's impossible to legitimately have "alters" without serious childhood trauma (3) it's so rare, you're just a teenager, you're probably just overthinking. Same way I dismissed the possibility after some thought when a completely different but equally drastic shift kept happening around 15-16, during which I kept intentionally emotionally abusing my close friend over text, then feeling genuine crippling guilt and the inability to understand why I'd want to harm him, then going back to harming him, repeat. It was extremely toxic and abusive and it was my fault as a whole I didn't stop those messages from being sent. At that time I also wrote rants to myself, referring to my "usual" self as "you" and the self I was experiencing as "I". After all this I still didn't want to believe I had alters (and had to treat their desires as equally authentic and deserving of consideration), so I basically pushed my way to go on T to see if it could fix my perpetually nerfed brain despite vehement internal opposition.

Within 2 weeks of going on T and having my brain finally work, the detrans episodes started happening again and childhood trauma kind of resurfaced, so I figured out I had Complex PTSD and got diagnosed with that and DDNOS within my first month on T. I now had to properly consider if I legitimately had alters, took a few months accepting them, then started realizing that my memory also had serious issues. It has since been a huge struggle and my long-term memories have been chopped up much more to forget there's so much wrong with my life and my brain. I got diagnosed with DID 2 weeks ago, which was about 6 months on T.

I still don't believe I have DID (most of the time). I say I've been diagnosed in place of saying I have it. Something something too young, became aware too early, so it's fake. Most of the time I straightup don't remember all the times I struggled with obvious symptoms so I start believing I don't really have them. I've recorded my debilitating struggles in detail but the parts of me active during those times intentionally avoid learning and thinking about more problems so they don't read those. I'm not going to force it because I know the brain isn't ready and it'll make things worse. You can say that DID is the reason I struggled with my transition so immensely and persistently. Regardless of what you think it is, it was one hell of a pain, and I rarely see the issue among all the trans/detrans experiences I've read.

Codapants

3mo

Thank you very much for the in-depth reply! I don't believe I in any way can understand or relate to the DID experience, and I'd definitely agree that's not something I've seen mentioned a lot anywhere I read (trans or detrans experiences). For that, I really appreciate you being open about your experiences.

Another reason that I'm grateful is that there are points I recognize (to a much lesser degree) from my own life. I experience dissociation / depersonalization fairly frequently and I suspect it's from constant migraines and exhaustion, plus trauma I haven't fully acknowledged. During these moments is when my doubts and fear are the worst, where I feel nothing at all and so fear that I'm not really trans.
But I appreciate the reassurance to not let myself worry more. In the end, I don't believe I have experienced reverse dysphoria or detrans thoughts, just worries and fears that it might happen.

Thank you again for sharing everything, I hope you find what works for all of you and may your future be bright.

Round-Inevitable-596

17->18 | T 29/07/2023 | DID diagnosed

3mo

Ahh, you're welcome. Dissociation is a type of natural human coping mechanism that exists in almost everyone. It's essentially your mind running away from what's already there, to different extents. It's usually not a problem at all. It becomes pathological/a serious problem only when it causes serious disruptions to your life and functioning and serious distress.

If your thoughts about T are all either positive or nothing, that's a good starting point. After spending numerous hours on detrans forums I've learned that the best way to approach transition isn't to make sure you're 100% certain before you start, it's to readily listen to your authentic feelings and change your approach/plan if you find it no longer works/something works better. Many people who detransition don't suffer the life-ruining regret you see in mainstream stories, they are able to eventually make peace with what's already done and cope with life. It's better to emotionally prepare what you're going to do if you do regret, than to prevent the possibility of being wrong/changing your mind (you can never eliminate that possibility). In fact, many of the serious regret detrans people often started 100% sure and stuck to one idea of transition for too long despite lots of warning signs popping up.