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Dating after 30 really fucking sucks.
Just feels like everyone - man or woman - has a sort of “been there done that” attitude that really isn’t very attractive, myself included.
Anytime I meet someone I just assume it’s only a matter of time before they find something wrong with me or vice versa. I shouldn’t be like that, I know. But I can’t help it.
Edit: Feel like I should clarify that “something wrong” bit.
I don’t mean that perfection should be expected. But there are things about people that will make them incompatible and it’s often best not pretend that doesn’t exist if you already know about it early on. For example, if someone says on the second date that they don’t want kids, you shouldn’t have a third date if having kids is important you.
This is terrifying as someone who struggles with dating in their mid 20s.
I dated through my thirties and married at 39. I liked dating in my 30s more because I found the pretentious is gone. No more of the "does he/she like me?". It's all out there, and our intentions are known. I didn't waste time chasing women who showed no interest, and if I did meet someone that was superficial, I just moved on right away.
There is no such thing as "the one". There are many people out there who you are compatible with. You just need to meet them, and that's what dates are for. Never fall for an online personality. Even if you have been chatting with someone for months, you don't know them. You need to spend time with a person in real life to even get an idea of what they are really like.
This. All this. I'm not giving out personal details but very much same boat. Dating in 30s is fantastic. You just lay it all out. I don't have the time to waste. You're going to check some boxes or not.. let's find out, then see if we can be friends.
This post seems so much like "I hate communicating.". God forbid your date ask questions about you.
“Dating in your 30s suck cuz women actually want to know who you are before they hop in bed with you” as my dating pool transitioned from 20s to 30s I realized a stark shift in the attitude of the women I was dating. They were fully put together people who had an idea of what they wanted. They weren’t afraid to ask questions and answer questions. Dating went from a “game” to an actual adult relationship seemingly overnight. I met my current partner of 5+ years and from the beginning there was no pretending or conniving. It was just straight honest communication and it’s been like that for over half a decade. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to “wait until you’re old enough to date fully grown adult women before you take dating seriously.”
Sounds like the world would be a better place if people started their dating life like that instead of waiting til their 30s
You can’t expect children and adolescents to behave like fully grown adults.
I do like to be an adult who sometimes, in very planned methodical manner, acts like a child.
Making happy surprises, and generally trying to remain whimsical keeps a little bit of fun and spice in the relationship.
Acting childish is like swearing. Are you doing it in work or in front of your grandma? Probably not. Around the boys? Hell fucking yeah. Time and a place for everything. Being adult 24/7 is exhausting. Let me freak now and then.
Nah man.
In my 20s, dating was "Hey, let's play WCIII for a few hours at my place then go over to the diner or something when we get hungry, or I got ramen here." We'd do that, then talk about what we were up to, but mostly focus on working together on something. Hopes and dreams and family and life came up eventually, but we were far more in the moment working together and enjoying each other. It wasn't all sex, heck... I had very little sex in my 20s but I did a fair bit of dating.
Things did change in my 30s, but when I met the woman I married, it was that same stuff we did in our 20s: we played games, we worked together on things, we went to renaissance festivals and gaming conventions... then we got to the rest of it after a while. We just sort of kept progressing past what I'd done in my 20s and now we are married.
To this day my wife and I work on things together EXTREMELY well.
I still feel like the best dating activities are things where you have to work together on something that you both enjoy.
I think this post is a good reminder that different paths work for different people. My experience in getting married was completely different from this, but obviously this is what worked for you and that’s awesome. There’s no one right way to do this, but I do think you have to be really clear with yourself going in about what you want and what is going to work best for you.
Actually the opposite. Real talk, real early.
For real, the idea that some people regard "laying it all out" as "hating communicating" is kinda scary.
I agree with this. My gf and I got together when I was in my 30s and we've bought a house together now and are going on a decade together now. Dating in your 30s and up is a much more mature sort of dating, you are no longer willing to waste time with someone "just because." You want to be around each other and the intimacy becomes better than just sex; tthat makes for a stronger relationship imo.
I called this radical dating. I did the same thing. Intial date was a phone call date for 30ish minutes. If there was good conversation and we both thought it had legs we'd move onto a real date. I also just laid everything on the table during the first phone date any and all skeletons. I met my wife a few dates after doing this and I was happily married 6 months later going on 5 years.
Pro Tip: Have your best friend of write your dating profile. This also markedly increased the quality of dates.
And if you have been chatting with someone for months without meeting, you're making a big mistake.
Very much this on the real life part.
I spent time with someone and she told me "I'm into open relationships and my last partners were okay with it"
Well I'm not and it's not gonna work
There are many people out there who you are compatible with. You just need to meet them, and that's what dates are for.
This! Or to phrase it differently: The purpose of dating is to figure out whether you are incompatible, so you can end the relationship before ending it becomes expensive. And if someone passes the phase, then go to the next step.
If you don't do that, you might as well just marry on the first date.
Yes! I too enjoyed dating in my 30s, the confidence you gain by this time is unmatched. I also had a lot of growing up to do and worked out some issues as I went along. Married much later at 38 and am expecting my first with my husband. I would move on OP, this individual sounds lazy and irresponsible. Keep looking, someone’s out there that will cuddle with you and your fur baby.
Yeah, while I can understand the dude in the tweet's frustration, it ignores his own role in the process.
If you feel like you're being interviewed for a job on a date, fucking say something man. Maybe they don't realize how they're coming across. Just a quick, good natured "geez you want my cover letter?". If that doesn't sit well with them, call it a swing and a miss and move on. If it's happening all the time, then stop meeting women in the manner that you're meeting them. People who just want a good fit for them and aren't AS concerned about your net worth are out there. Do the work and find them
Dating in my (late) 30s has been so much more fun than dating in my 20s. Everyone has just settled into themselves more. You’re not trying to be anything. Your only job on a date is to see if you have fun.
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5d
Nope, dating people in their 20ties sucks. Emotional immaturity and bullshit behaviors.
It is much better to have a normal conversation with a mature person about whether you two are potentially compatible or no. Dealing with people who know what they want is delightful compared to youthful immaturity.
All I know is I dated someone in their early twenties and when the "what do you want out of this" question came up they deflected and led me on. The one on their late 20s literally said "I only want this specifically, I don't want to feel like I'm leading you on."
Way better to just have honest open communication and make it clear early what you want so no one gets hurt.
Dating sucks, end of.
I'm dating in my 30s. I've learned to have boundaries and not to settle. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. Other than that it's the exact same as dating in my 20s. Don't listen to this guy.
I found dating easier in my 30s than my 20s. Most people were looking for long-term relationships and were less hung up on stupid superficial stuff. Much less game-playing, and the ones who were still doing it usually made that clear early enough that it was easy to nope out.
Exactly. I got a divorce in my early 30's after a not quite 10 year relationship. Dating in my 30's was sooo much better it was unreal. I had a handle on my shit, knew what I did and didn't want and had enough experience to see problems coming from down the tracks.
Found a wonderful woman, in part by luck and in part by being in a good headspace and we've coming up on 8 years together.
While I'd like to imagine that even in my 20's she and I would have been just as compatible and just as happy I don't know. We both grew and learned a lot in those failed relationships we had.
So here we are IMO happy and doing well hoping for another 20 years of it.
I think the better part is hopefully by the time you are in your 30's you have matured emotionally. When dating someone it's easier to communicate "hey you into me?", or "what are you looking for in a relationship" before dicking around on a bunch of dates only to find out they weren't interested at all.
It's refreshing to know, whelp we aren't compatible, easy enough to move on.
He's upset and he has an agenda
I think he's just upset that people are no longer willing to settle for him.
Dating in your 30s is so much better! No one ever thinks they are the problem, but OP sounds like he’s his own worst enemy
Don’t let this terrify you. It’s conservative enslavement commentary designed to make young men resent women.
Dating in your 30’s is easy if you’re not a douchebag.
The secret is there is ALWAYS something wrong with the other person. There is no perfect partner. Accepting that and appreciating all the other aspects of that person is what it takes to be a happy.
This is probably true but at the same time, I never thought I would meet so many people with serious emotional problems when I hit my 30s. I've met a lot of people who really should not be dating anyone. They need to spend the next 5 to 10 years in a therapist's office instead. I don't know if I am just noticing more personality problems as I get older or what. I have great cut back on dating over the years and I don't regret it. Too many broken people out there these days.
Dating in your 20s is like founding a startup, dating in your 30s is mergers and acquisitions.
Dating in your 40s is downsizing Dating in your 50s is insolvency Dating in your 60s is self employment.
Dating 70+ is a closing-down sale.
*murders and executions
I'm 34 and just haven't dated at all since becoming single at 30. The whole process just looks so shitty. Would rather just keep to myself and do my own thing.
It's the story of our generation, but I don't think it's a phenomenon caused by the people. I think it's caused by the change in environment.
I think the main reason the Millennial and onward generations are largely content to stay single is that there are competing sources of stimulus that are beating out romance.
My dad grew up in a rural area on a potato farm. There was hardly anything to do besides drinking alcohol, talking to people face-to-face, and fucking. People had to entertain each other in-person. That means people were constantly with other people their age. And when people are with other people their age, they do a lot of fucking and marrying.
Eventually television came into the mix and suddenly people had a compelling indoor solo entertainment option.
Eventually affordable personal computing and the internet came into the mix and suddenly people had an insanely compelling indoor solo entertainment option.
These days we have unlimited access to video games, movies, television shows, internet content, social media, etc. And these new entertainment sources are winning over the old entertainment sources. Human mind enjoys mating. It's evolved to enjoy that. However, it also enjoys other things. And when the "other things" get entertaining enough and require low enough effort/energy expenditure and low enough risk, then people's brains might prefer that more than mating.
In short, I think at any moment a person's brain is doing subconscious calculations on what it prefers to be doing in the next moment. For almost all of time, fucking won out. But recently, other activities started winning out and the ramifications of this are massive. We're still only just starting to see how enormous the ramifications can be. This trend isn't anywhere near done yet. We're seeing new generations of people who, for the first time ever, just aren't interested enough in mating to bother pursuing it. That's weird as hell, guys.
I get what you're saying, but I venture it's not that simple. There's got to be more to it than just 'modern media entertainment is a hyperstimuli that distracts us from procreation'.
There's the epigenetic/pollution aspect, the bad diet/low exercise aspect, the post pandemic aspect, the cost of living aspect, etc.
There are many factors that lead to low birth rates and small dating pools in an area; It's not just down to how much media people enjoy.
My girlfriend's friends are like this. They are just so weary and battle hardened. They think that pretty much every man is a dick.
They have no tolerance level for anything which might not be perfect. Any negative point about a man is a deal breaker. They've been single for at least a decade at this point. They are quite intimidating. Sharply intelligent with dry humour which should be a plus but it becomes a defence mechanism for them.
They've come to like me (and I them) but I know they were less than complimentary about me in the early years.
It's good to have standards but at some point you have to realize that everyone's shit stinks.
Sometimes as we get older, being single becomes very appealing, so we set the bar very, very high (because at this point men are competing with our comfort of being alone, not with other men) just in case there is that one special dude who adds to our life instead of makes it harder comes along.
The sky high standards are intentional, because being single is nice.
Am a dude, will agree 1000%.
There comes a point in your life where you're okay with being by yourself 99% of the time, and you save that other 1% for someone that you enjoy.
10000000%
As the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself.
this is something a lot of married people in my life do not understand
yeah sometimes being single fucking sucks...but at this point, i don't really find it appealing to sacrifice my personal freedom for someone just for the sake of "starting a family." Does that make me sound selfish? Yeah probably. But i feel like after years and years of trying things and experiencing disappointment in the end, I've earned the right to guard myself against emotional bullshit and to just live life how i want for now
the other day, my cousin's wife randomly told me to reach out to this single woman. I told her I wasn't interested in dating and she kept pushing me to the point it felt rude to tell her off...so I caved in. This was 2-3 weeks ago and i haven't contacted the woman yet because i just have no desire
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6d
It's always interested me that the men who most whine about golddiggers and materialistic women are typically the men who want women to be stay at home moms, completely dependent on their man while he is free to chase younger girls.
The double standards and hypocrisy are so thick it's just sad. They don't want a wife, they want a bootycall therapist brooder.
The ones chasing tradwives get mad when people expect them to be tradhusbands.
I think a lot of those guys don't actually want that, they just want someone to pick up where their mother left off. They don't realize if that's the kind of lifestyle they want, they need to be decisive and take care of business. Most of those kind of guys I see online are just neckbeards.
Ive noticed this too. The post has the hastag #masculinitysaturday. I have noticed a bunch of these "dating experts" spew out red pill and traditional gender roles while flaming women who rely on them financially as gold diggers.
It's always funny when the type of guy whining has no gold to dig in the first place.
My guy, you work in an Amazon warehouse, what the fuck are you talking about
So her advice to men of reddit would go like this:
Basic:
- Take a shower/wash your ars every day
- Dentist twice per year, floss and brush daily
- Pick up after yourself, wash your clothes, keep your tank full
Advanced:
- Have your own hobbies, don't make your partner your whole world/don't be clingy
- Don't consume yourself/wrap your identity in political/culture-war issues
- Have a career
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6d
Anytime I meet someone I just assume it’s only a matter of time before they find something wrong with me or vice versa.
I have been married in my 30's but this was still me with all daring before that. I don't think this is something specific to being in your 30's.
Also, isn't that kind of the point of daring? You try to see how compatible you?
The entire experience feels so repetitive as well. Everyone is like trying to discover as fast as possible the red flag in order not to lose time and go to the next one. The illusion of infinite pool of options is probably one of the major causes why people don't really bother to try anymore
The best part is when you get along, you start getting closer to each other, sharing intimacy and then once you got comfortable around each other the old and unattended traumatic response behaviors from previous relationship arise and you realize you are with someone who is not over their ex relationships at all.
Online I've had women literally open a conversation with "Occupation?" and then block me the moment I answered.
Online dating seems to bring out these gremlins for some reason.
This is known as the Online Disinhibition Effect. When users believe they are anonymous, they feel less accountable for their actions, leading to more extreme behavior, as they think their actions won’t have real-world consequences. The lack of face-to-face interaction reduces empathy and understanding, making it easier to be rude to an abstract username than to a real person with visible emotions. Additionally, some people view their online personas as separate from their real selves, which leads them to act out in ways they wouldn’t in person.
Also, with online dating there's a problem that actually good candidates find partners rather quickly, while the bad ones remain for long time; so the worst part of humanity gets much more represented than it should be.
I feel bad now.
If you are a male then I have good news for you: according to numerous studies, all regular "average" males struggle to find pair on dating apps. In my personal experience, I always had much more luck with girls I met in person.
I am a male yes, and also have had a lot more luck in person. Thanks, feel a little brighter now.
Woah hold your horses there fella. Did you know the average penis size is 9 inches?
They make them that small?
Online Disinhibition Effect
Ah that's a better name than "the greater internet dickwad theory", which was the first name I heard of this under
“Occupation?”
Me: Electrician
Her: Block.
Reminds me of this joke:
A doctor hires a plumber to do some work at his house.
When the job is done, the doctor examines the bill and exclaims in surprise:
"Holy cow, I dont make this much money as a doctor!" The plumber replies:
"Yeah. I never made this much when I was a doctor either."
It's funny because my best friend's dad dropped out of med school to become a plumber. They lived in a 5 or 6 million dollar house when we were in high school, next to a bunch of doctors in smaller houses.
The trade off was he had maybe 20 years of 14-16 hour days even owning the business and his spine was obliterated by the time we graduated high school. He always told my buddy "you're not becoming a plumber as long as I'm alive."
No, your friend’s dad didn’t become a millionaire because he was a plumber. He became one because he knew a trade that could bootstrap a business with very little initial investment, had a sound business sense and expanded by hiring people.
Doesn’t matter what profession you have, if your income is based on a fixed salary or hourly rate there will always be a ceiling. You need exponential growth to become rich
Like how many real life teachers quit to be bartenders. If the pay is better they're gonna go there. Not rocket surgery to figure that out.
I always find it funny that some people criticize AOC for having been "just a bartender" before she was elected. Hell, bartenders can make really good money. No shame in whatever job you have as long as it pays the bills.
I make 60-75k working PART TIME. My full time buddies make six figures. But yeah, I’m “just a bartender”. I just chuckle while I’m on my month long holiday
Over a decade ago I had a coworker who was making $60k as a part time bartender. This was in a college town.
Once on Tinder I had a match open with "How many figures?" Blocked her faster than I can blink.
You should've responded "no worries babe, you don't have to pay me"
I would have told her about all the anime figures I have collected.
'More than you can afford lol'
I would be far too tempted to troll someone like that. I used to work at at FCA dealer so while I mostly sold Jeeps and RAM trucks I have a few pictures of me in some very nice Maseratis and Alfa Romeos.
Tell her I'm super rich. Send her pictures of nice cars. Then when she agrees to a date I'd show up looking like I just crawled out of the lowest meth den at the trailer park. Act like a total fool and enjoy the show.
Then when she agrees to a date
You show up for a date all nicely dressed, look her up and down in disapproval and say "Eh, you really look better in pictures. Sorry, you're below my standards" and then just go away and leave her standing there 😆
Bonus if your "test driving" the Maserati when you do it
I read that as “how many fingers” at first and spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out what it meant before rereading it lol
I've told women I'm from Canada, and they have immediately blocked me. I live in Dubai and look arab, so they are always expecting me to be rich. But when I say I'm Canadian, they figure I have no money and instantly unmatch me.
This has happened a few times.
Same thing when I tell them I'm a teacher. Instantly unmatched.
No one wants to talk to them IRL.
You should have blocked them when they opened a conversation with "Occupation?".
Why even answer that when they don't even start with a hello?
I kinda wish women were out here messaging me about my work, cuz I got that locked down.
instead I get messages like "sorry I only date white men"... wtf did you match with me then??? and what do you need to tell me that just swipe left and move on.
I do the same with women to be honest - the bluntness varies from person to person. I think you learn that in the long run passion fades somewhat and fundamentals do matter.
Edit: don't get me wrong, if someone asks my salary I will unmatch instantly, I am rather referring to kids, dog, house, city or village, lifestyle, career (intelligent women are sexy)
Yeah honestly I spent too much of my 20s with guys who had no idea how to be an adult or take any responsibility and I ended up having to be their mother. In my 30s I was much more comfortable to just say no to that, thankfully. And it wouldn’t bother me at all to answer these questions in a date.
Yeah. My last relationship that lasted lasted longer than it should have and was a bit of a waste of both of our time because we didn't work out the fundamentals at the start. I was 39 and she was 33 when we met. We had fundamental incompatibilities that we didn't focus on because we didn't expect it to last and then we got to the end of a year of dating and realized "oh shit. we still don't agree on whether we want kids and we've been pretending this has a future for too long. I love you and this sucks, but we both need to keep looking".
And being a woman I appreciate that.
I want him to ask me everything he wants to know.
Exactly. I think this is the smart way to date tbh. If people were 35 asking “what’s your favorite color” on the first date, they would get clowned for that too. It’s twitter, he just needed something to say😂 It’s not that deep
That was my thought, but in both direction. What am I going to ask, what clubs they were in during undergrad? What movie you’re excited about getting on your streaming services?
It helps to remember this subreddit is filled with literal children and kids in their early 20s.
I much prefer when a man asks these kinds of questions on a date. I'm used to men who just agree with whatever I'm saying because they want to sleep with me. Someone who is discerning is so much more attractive.
Yeah I think most people in their 30s expect their partner to have a stable job and a car and be living independently. Why even continue with someone if they don't meet your basic requirements? Sure it might seem shallow but I'm not going to go any further with a bartender who gets rides from his roommate or whatever (I do not live in an area where no car is very feasible) 🤷♀️ Gimme those divorced dad's though, if they're emotionally healthy and good fathers.
Thank you! If people learnt this shit, the divorce rate might not be as high. “I fell out of love”, “we changed and our values changed”. Like no shit you changed: you got older and you should be changing as you age as far as values and future goals. Or my favourite I’ve heard from men: “I wanted to spice things up and she didn’t” while they have 4 kids and don’t do shit to help out so she’ll have time for her self
The only men who have issues with these questions are the guys who are insecure about themselves and whatever perceived social status they covet.
Edit: Don’t be fooled by the love me for me or the “why can’t we just enjoy the moment” guys either. They’re not that much of a catch if they think their personality is a replacement for security and you eventually run out of moments.
In my experience that is not wrong for some women I have met
There is certainly truth to this post, not sure why it is a facepalm. I was talking with a friend that's dating a lot after a divorce in his 40s and his dates started these conversations every time. Maybe it's a 30s thing too, it's a normal thing.
I think it is also “I’m too old for this shit and not playing games or wasting time”
Yup. Should something happen to my partner, like death, I’d like to find someone employed and stable, not an unemployed bum whose financial plan is me
Yeah, people immediately jump to the "golddigger" idea. Nah, as a 29-year-old man all of these things matter to me too. I'm a driven person who wants a lot out of life, so someone who has sat on their hands for their 20s waiting for life to come to them will have very little in common with me in terms of a relationship.
Met my partner in our early 30s. Before I even sat down for our first date (we had met on Tinder earlier that day and decided to get dinner) they asked me where I saw myself in 5 years.
I answered that I wanted to move to Nova Scotia, and hopefully have land and a farm.
We got married 8 months later, and in under 5 years we moved to a farm in Nova Scotia. They had been trying to move here for almost 7 years before meeting me. We had a shared vision for our lives and it worked out perfectly. Been married 6 and a half years now.
Well, holy shit. Talk about right person at the right time. You are walking proof people shouldn't lower their expectations. Even when it's something as specific as a farm in Nova Scotia you'll eventually meet someone who wants the same things. Peace.
Took me till my mid-forties to confirm that this is the way.
Sticking to my expectations was totally worth the wait. Have never been so in love in my life.
At some point in your life… you got no time to waste on people whose future plan doesn’t overlap sufficiently with your own. Many also start with the question on kids
Sounds like “where do you see yourself in five years” should be a standard thing on dating profiles, might be a good way to get a more compatible match.
We both also came out of long term relationships that both failed because of life paths. We didn't want to do that again and got lucky finding each other.
Finances are hugely important to a persons quality of life and the number one reason for divorce. It makes sense for people to want a partner who has a good job and can provide them with a comfortable home.
Plus I don’t see it as necessarily wanting men to provide for the woman in this case, it’s more women today are more financially comfortable with good careers today than ever before so it makes sense to find someone in the same boat.
Women don’t want to have their shit together and looking for a partner in their thirties (to possibly have a family with) who is mentally still twenty one with no signs of stability.
It’s more a having a partner with equality of goals and what they bring into the relationship thing than the woman wants a man to provide.
In a lot of cases, absolutely. Some people do want a breadwinner partner though if they're in a low paying field, if they have a disability that impacts their employability, if they want a lot of kids etc. This goes for any gender. Its just up to any one person if theyre okay with that.
Some are materialistic sure. But I think more than a few just don’t want another deadbeat bum to take care of.
Yeah. Dude here: if I'm asking about occupation and things like that, I don't care what you do for the most part. I care that you aren't going to be a leech and also can take care of yourself. I imagine it's the same way for many women.
Especially this late in the game. Shit happens and that’s understandable. But if you’re over 30 without a job and still living at home, maybe your focus would be better spent elsewhere.
Yup.
I don't need a retirement plan. I ask questions like that because I'm a fairly successful woman, and I'm done with men who live in their mom's basement.
I was always a little disappointed that men don't seem to worry about the same things. Like, why are none of them asking if I can support myself?
I was in my mid 20s with my own place and career dating guys in their 30s and some even in their 40s.
I kept attracting under achievers. Men who couldn't hold down a job.
Lived with their friends, couch surfing.
But the guys I showed more interest in weren't interested in me because I don't have a degree.
So it's a give and take.
This. My best friend is in her 30s and has interview like dates for sure. She's looking for a partner that can keep up with her though, not a retirement plan. She's financially well off, owns her own home, travels multiple times a year. She's looking for someone to match her lifestyle not and sacrifice her security and the things she enjoys doing, a very fair request in terms of dating.
What's the context though?
Is she looking for a sugar daddy, or does she simply not want to be your sugar momma?
Exactly. I see nothing wrong with wanting a partner who contributes.
Everyone here seems to be projecting this straight into people being evil and wanting to leech lol
💯
Guys ask this too
I don't want to date a 35 year old woman who hasn't figured out things yet
Yup, the last date I was on the guy asked literally all these questions. I didn’t mind, they’re all questions that are relative to where I am in life and I’m confident in all my answers.
If men are under the impression that other men aren’t concerned with finding partners who are doing okay financially - I’m here to tell you, men care.
And dating as an older person, no one has time for nonsense and drama
I wouldn't want to find out 3 months later this lady has a few liens against her, a bankruptcy lawsuit, and had her children taken away. Let's clear the air up front, I don't have the time, resources, and energy to fix someone else
If men are under the impression that other men aren’t concerned with finding partners who are doing okay financially - I’m here to tell you, men care.
As a single man at 30, when it comes to finances, my primary concern is that you are responsible and independent. I don't really care if you make 30k or 300k as long as you manage your money well and aren't using me for mine.
Right, but the implication of the first tweet and a lot of other people is that women ask these questions because they’re not financially secure and expect a man to make them that way. A lot of us - men and women - are asking because we’re financially secure and would like to stay that way.
exactly. I’ve literally had men get offended when I explain that I don’t want a “provider”, I want a partner. accused of being shallow (??? idk I think not looking for a provider is the opposite of that but ok) and that I was “too masculine”, as if not wanting to be financially dependant on someone is a purely masculine trait.
In my 40s. A lot of people have kids, and those who don’t can seem weird to some. A lot of people are divorced or have at least had major relationships crumble
You end up with very guarded people who are very resistant to ‘wasting their time’, and may be looking at the next relationship as the one they want forever
It’s awful
Jesus what kind of basic fuckin automaton thinks it weird not to have kids? Wouldn’t wanna match with someone like that anyway
My momma is 70, and married her late husband (RIP, nicest guy ever) “because of how he talked about his kids.” Not quite the same, but knowing the guy for 20 years, I can see what she meant. Since his passing some time ago, she’s gone through a revolving door of boomers trying to scam her out of her retirement. My 45 year old sister has similar issues with men.
Having kids doesn’t mean you’re not an abusive, terrible human being.
I would rather deal with someone who is honest about their issues upfront than someone who hides them for the sake of deliberate manipulation and maliciousness.
Nobody said that people aren’t stupid. A success story and a charming smile goes a long way, but captures exactly nothing about a person’s true character, just like if they have problems. People want a partner that makes their life better, and too often that means “take, not give”, which is almost the most unhealthy thing you can do in a relationship.
Tbh I think there’s something overlooked here. When you reach 30s you kind of want to know someone’s career or life goals to know if they’re hard working or have aspirations, not just coasting and lazy. (This isn’t always the case, but it can be)
But it goes both ways - When I was on dating apps someone asked what I was studying and as soon as I said teaching they decided that I would be too much like their mother (which is stupid imo). Or when I said I don’t go clubbing and they said I must be “boring af”, as if getting drunk and throwing up all my memories of the night before is the only acceptable way to have fun…? 😂
People are allowed to have priorities. Sometimes it’s a red flag, sometimes people just want to know your interests/goals/opinions align. You don’t know until you ask I guess.
Exactly. Lmao the fact that some people assume “gold digger” as if their 30k job is a means for a woman to retire on them. There’s way more households now where both men and women work and these “masculinity” pages only ever talk about men’s financial situations as if women don’t have their own money either.
They act like once someone says “oh I make six figures”, the women are ready to get married when in reality that’s just the basics, and THEN u get to know someone.
It’s no different than having to find a person physically attractive before getting to know them but for some reason it’s only toxic if women have standards before knowing someone.
As for the “what car do you drive” question, I assume he thinks women will only go for a man with a fancy car, but tbh I wouldn’t be interested in a fancy car. If anything it’s more telling of the possibility of someone being a reckless spender.
By my own taste in people, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is materialistic. It’s okay to have nice things if you can afford to, but you can be successful and have wealth without flaunting. And that’s purely my own opinion, it’s okay for others to feel differently.
They wonder why they’re constantly getting rejected by shitty shallow people, but they’re not exactly chatting up librarians here. They go to the club looking for a club princess who secretly wants to be a tradwife.
It’s like some of the women I used to hang with who were attracted exclusively to rodeo cowboys, and wondered what was wrong with men that they were always spitting dip on the porch and never helping with the kids. Like, ma’am, you’re fishing for marlin in the backyard pond and getting mad at the pond when it’s all catfish.
So I was one of those people who was still single after 30 and I asked similar questions not because I was looking for a payday, but because I spent my 20’s with aimless losers and I knew I didn’t want that in my partner-I wanted someone who would contribute as much as I did.
Men asked me the same questions and I was okay with it because it was for the same reasons. It’s about finding someone who will be your partner-not a child or parent.
This. I found the love of my life after 30. We both wanted to make sure we were right for each other. No sense in wasting time if the other person doesn’t align with your long term goals.
The people that whine like this do so because they know they have nothing to offer
Yep. I found myself single at 41 and had just survived breast cancer. I liked being married so I knew I wanted to do that again for sure. I didn’t want to waste my time with someone trying to recapture his 20s. I wanted an adult who knew how to work on a relationship and contribute to a stable but exciting life, not a grown-up kid or someone looking for a replacement mom so he doesn’t have to parent his own kids. Fortunately the mastectomy put off a lot of the immature folks.
Didn’t take me long to find the right one.
I found myself unexpectedly single last year at 36 when my wife passed away. I’m scared as shit to eventually re-enter the dating pool. Widower, single dad with a toddler. But I’m gonna want to know lots about any woman I date and I’m going to expect her to want to learn lots about me. Any woman I get serious with isn’t just a potential partner, she’s also a potential step mom for my son.
If it helps, I was actually wanting to be a bonus mom/whatever to older kids if I could because I never had kids of my own. My husband has two kids. I absolutely adore them to pieces and I’m always looking for ways to support them and make them feel loved. It was super attractive to me that my husband loves being an active father.
The turnoff for me was that lots of men seemed to be looking only for that. I’m sure you know the type: left all the parenting to the wife, and now they need a replacement because they hate parenting their own kids. They’re bad dads who often need to be parented themselves, which is exhausting. They were looking for a free nanny they can screw, not a life partner. So I was wary of that kind of arrangement.
I think if you talk about the things you do to parent your child offhand, if you can come off like you’re capable, that’s going to be a serious asset to a lot of women. Masculinity expressed as caring, capable fatherhood is really sexy to a lot of women looking for stability.
Same. I started doing this after dating a guy in his forties who lived with his parents and didn't know how to cook and basically expected me to be a mother he could have sex with.
Gotta filter them out from the start.
Same. I was 31 when I met my husband and had a house and a career. I wanted someone on a similar trajectory
As a man in his 30's I have no problem being asked these questions and this is exactly the reason why.
I don't want to date someone who is comfortable waiting tables for their entire life and I would rather we get that conversation out of the way early so I don't waste my time and effort getting emotionally invested in someone who isn't going to work out.
Look at this comment section of men pitying themselves for having the same experience. Like, yeah? No shit? When you date an adult who is self sufficient in their 30s, they're looking to date other adults who are also self sufficient? You're genuinely getting angry that someone wants to make sure they're not getting involved with someone who has no future life prospects? And choosing to see that as "gold digging"?
Jesus christ, no wonder these people are single if they think the worst of basic adulthood life questions. Even just career compatibility alone is a huge factor if you're looking to spend time together and build a life together.
Yes, I was thinking this guy is seriously missing the point of why a woman would ask these things. He is trying to see through his googles of misogyny and can’t see why the modern woman asks these types of questions.
It is not about wanting men to provide for the woman in this case, it’s more women are more financially comfortable with good careers today than ever before so it makes sense to find someone in the same boat.
Women don’t want to have their shit together and looking for a partner in their thirties (to possibly have a family with) who is mentally still twenty one with no signs of stability.
It’s more a having a partner with equality of goals and what they bring into the relationship thing than the woman wants a man to provide.
Agreed. Sure, there is a number of gold diggers out there, and some people have absolutely no shame or manners or tact. But in my 30s I wouldn't want to date a woman with no career, no education, no ambition and no prospects, we learned that you can't really fix people, and even if you could, there is no time for that. And this is even more true for women, with their biological clock and all.
Not really a facepalm... Pretty true for both sides. By 30s, people are mostly over with "dumb" dating. They're looking for something serious and have their standards figured out.
If you are in your 30s you want to settle down sooner than later, so talking about the foundation of your future life is absolutely fair.
My fiance and I talked about the big issues super early. Helps that we were already friends and talked for 10 months before we started dating, so the "it feels like an interview" bit didn't apply. But we wanted to make sure that we were aligned on the big ticket non-negotiable items - marriage, kids, where to live (since we're 2,600 miles apart), and not liking the Dodgers early on.
Everything else for me is just additional information that makes up the whole picture of him. Don't get me wrong, I want to know everything (because I am nosy and I like information for information's sake), but that's simply what it is - information without judgement.
This type of doomer post is designed to make you feel helpless so they can sell you bullshit.
Dating in your 30s can be an amazing time, it's all about perspective and attitude.
Also these are just normal questions, maybe rent vs own is a weird one but the others are just ice breakers almost.
Dating in my 30's was much better than when I was younger. I had grown-up money, and enough wisdom to cut a guy loose if he was just looking for a free ride or generally wasn't a functioning adult.
This. Feels like at every corner there’s an attack on any modicum of hope.
Sounds like people over 30 don’t wanna waste their time so if someone doesn’t have their shit together they will just keep it moving, I don’t see the issue.
Seriously. And being expected to have a job is pretty close to the bare minimum
I'm more worried about the dudes that are UPSET when a woman expects them to have "a job" and "a car" like they are setting some unreasonably high bar.
Woman, just making conversation on a first date: "So what do you do for work?"
Dudebros in these comments:
I'm a woman in my 30s, and I'm my own retirement plan (own a house, have investments etc).
I absolutely ask those questions because I don't want to be someone else's retirement plan and want to be with someone who is in the same stage as me. I see no issues in answering those questions either.
Sounds like a good way to weed out partners you don't want (and that includes you guys, if you don't like those questions you can move to the next lady, no time wasted).
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with these questions and there is nothing wrong with having high standards.
I literally said to a date a while back it felt more like a meeting with my bank manager then a first date
Homosexual privilege notwithstanding, I have seen enough cool women with deadbeat partners that this seems appropriate. And vise versa. Everyone should have informed consent before picking up a new dependent.
Actually, what we're doing is sizing you up to see if we're going to end up supporting you. I have children. I don't need any more.
Can't speak directly because I'm old and married but my son is 25 and he says if he dates a girl who is his age, these questions do come up. If he dates a 22 year old, not so much.
Exactly lol I’m 24 and men ask me these questions too. “What do you do for the majority of your week” is not a crazy question
A lot of people on online dating are definitely like this, even on first dates or even before meeting, and it's definitely weird.
I have a steady job, own a car (two, in fact), own a house with my brother, but if someone gives the vibe they're more interested in what I can provide rather than who I am, I lose interest very fast.
Idk man. I'm set on to have my shit together by 30 and would like a man/woman who has their shit together by 30 too. I'd imagine most people in their 30s aren't dating for fun, most want marriage and family. It's valid to want someone who has his shit together if you want to build a life together with him.
They don’t want to be a nurse with a purse.
Well, in our 30's we kinda want a man that have atleast SOME grip on life. I know men in their 30's with totally different lives! Some have had the same job for 10 years, have a house, car and hobbies lined up. And i know a few that still live in their parents basement, have a new job every 6 month, and doesnt even have a drivers license.
So.. yeah, that's why women ask those questions.
What do you do for a living and where do you live are the most basic date questions that have existed for a century, you absolute snowflake.
I have said in the past that dating in your 30s is a lot like a job interview with drinks. But the upside is you know what you want, you know you don't want to waste time and you get the benefit of there not being drama if a date doesn't work out. I think a lot of guys get this idea that dating in your 30s is supposed to be like dating in your 20s and that's just wrong. You're not the same person you were in your 20s so why would your dating life be the same?
They don't want you to be their "retirement plan." They want to make sure you're not a deadbeat looking at THEM as if they're YOUR retirement plan.
I ask these questions b/c I've had men trying to use me as their retirement plan. I want to make sure a guy I date is financially independent, career focused, and has their act together, like I do, so we're on the same level and neither of us needs to worry about the other trying to date the other's bank account.
What is facepalm here? I think it is pretty accurate
The hashtag is the facepalm imo
The facepalm is spinning something completely normal (assessing a potential partner for compatibility) into a misogynistic post calling all women gold-diggers.
This. These all seem like standard getting to know someone questions that can lead to gasp a conversation.
Or ya know, maybe confirm that you won't destroy their retirement plans.
He's not wrong though, at least from my side of the world
Well, after you get tricked into letting an unemployed hobosexual move into your house and borrow your car for a week that turns into two years, these questions aren't so out of line.
Lmao she doesn't want to be YOUR retirement plan.
You should be asking the same questions. Also, what are her religious beliefs, what kind of relationship does she have with her parents, are her parents still together, how did her last relationship end, what are her hot takes on current events.
Find out all this shit now to see if you are compatible.
This should be dating in your 20s as well. Smarten up people.
Am I the only one who thinks these are good foundation laying questions? What someone does for a living can be a big part of who they are. Women dating in their 30s are typically looking for partners, not flings. They aren't obligated to entertain you on the off chance your goals and values meet theirs.
There are people with materialistic and unrealistic expectations on both sides of the fence. Asking questions is what dating is when you're in the settling down stage. Maybe you're just dating incompatible people who are looking for something different than what you're looking for.
Same dude the following week will be complaining that "women play games."
After a decade of financing a lazy man, i just wanted a partner who can care for himself. Like i do.
I mean it should be an interview both ways if you are truly looking for a life partner. If you are just fucking around, then don’t fuck around with people who are looking for a life partner.
Those are 100% valid questions from either side, and mostly small talk tbh, to see if you are a stable enough person on your own to not think a woman is going to be your bang-maid wage slave. If you automatically jump to this, you're a red flag.
Is this really a "women" thing? Don't most of you all ask similar-ish questions to these because you don't want to play games anymore? Male or female.
These are legitimate questions. Nobody wants to be blindsighted by a man-child.
I'm paid well, own my home, and drive a nice car. I'm not going to be the retirement of some aspiring DJ.
There are plenty of women like this. Sure, he’s being too general, but it’d be unfair to say he doesn’t have a point at all.
Do you think dating a guy after 30, he won't also ask these questions? Because as a woman, let me tell you, guys ask these things too. It's almost like they are basic topics of conversation.
Wow, so crazy for people to want to date someone with their shit together, men never have similar standards /s
After my last toxic relationship I decided I would first get comfortable being single and by myself before I'd try to date again. Turns out I discovered I am much more happier being single.
They are not looking for "their retirement plan", they want to know if you are a decent person and able to support yourself. If your answer to the questions is "I have no job and live in my car", they might not be interested for a good reason.
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