I find myself having imaginary conversations where I’m justifying and explaining myself to exhaustion

to put a finer point on it-- I think maybe it's because I grew up not being able to defend myself/be assertive because I didn't feel like I had the right, basically. I think the people I grew up around could say kind of catty/offensive things to me, and even if they weren't even true, I didn't feel like I could speak up for myself. Almost like then I would be the villain for being "mean" and putting them in their place. I guess it's sort of a freeze/fawn response.

So, what does this lead to? Well, constantly policing myself in my own head. Constantly running through all the things they could say. Or overthinking what I should say or do, and then anticipating: what could be their nasty response to this? It's like a mechanism to avoid their meanness/shame they could throw my way, because the best I can do is avoid it, since I cannot speak up for myself.

IMO it's love deficit. How would that fit in? Emotional neglect is like starvation and so if you're starving you'll reach out to any food supply. You have all these conversations because your inner core is reaching out to everyone to try and get tiny fragments of love from them but recognizes people will argue and actively remove 'food' over all sorts of things. So, it has to ready its arguments so it can keep the fragments and not lose what fragments it has to arguments. Yeah, some people are unempathetic, but to switch from food to water, if you're dying of thirst you'll drink seawater/if you're starving for love you'll go to unempathetic people for it (also maybe because they remind you of your parents and you attached to them even though...well, you know).

I did this and felt really bad about it until I learned on this sub that it was me validating me, my actions, emotions and experience. It is the internal critic that was created by decades of being told what I think, feel, like, don’t like and chose is wrong. The eternal critic throws up a criticism in the role of someone I know. Then the arguing is really me validating my choice or emotions. Since I can self criticize on many levels, I felt I needed to validate myself on many levels. I was trying to reassuring myself on each and every level.

We all develop an internal critic. It is there to try and make us safe. The same voice that tells us to not touch a hot stove is the same voice that sets up social scenarios where we might be hurt. A technique I learned here is to recognize when I’m doing it and thank the internal critic. Thank it for trying to keep me safe through preparation and repetition. It goes quite when I hear what my inner critic is afraid of, thank it and reassure it that I can handle it. The mantra, I get it I’m anxious. And that is Ok. I can handle that works well for me. I hope this helps. Hugz

Explaining myself to the exhaustion is something I already do, online at least, because I am always waiting for judgment. 

oh my god, I do the same thing.

I do this too, prepping for conversations with different people. My brain won't shut up about preparing for the next time I talk to my mother, which will most likely involve me telling her I'm completely done with her bullshit. It really doesn't help that she's the only person who's consistently exceeded my worst expectations of how a conversation will go, so I know I have to prep for something even worse than I've already imagined.

I do the same thing. For me it is tangled up with my neurology, I’ve got ocd tendencies and I’m autistic in addition to cptsd. So, my natural tendencies tend toward wanting to practice social interactions because it is hard and confusing for me quite often to talk with anyone (that’s the autism part) so I prepare in advance. But I’ve also got more than a few wounds from not being listened to and then punished as a child for expressing wants and needs ( there is the trauma). That constant internal monologue is often considered an OCD thing, but my symptoms of ocd tend to ebb and then strengthen along with my stress levels without any other treatment so I’m sort of skeptical of it being full on OCD that needs to be cured.

Anyway, the help part for me is focusing on stress reduction, bringing down my overall anxiety and vagus nerve exercises like humming really help calm things down when I find myself spiraling. Having a framework to understand myself has probably been the biggest help. It takes away a lot of the shame, though it still wants to be heard more often than I’d like.

I have to consciously stop myself from doing this. For me, I think it mainly comes from anxiety that stems from my childhood. Meds and therapy have helped a lot. I started to distract myself with audiobooks, then realized I needed to address it in therapy, too.

I get stuck in these kinds of thought loops too. It's been especially horrible the past several years.

Same. No idea whether it's because I have social anxiety. Or the neglect has become the root of the social anxiety. Either way, I don't even know what validation feels like.

Me too 😭 it's almost always fuled by a bitter rage arising from always being misunderstood.

I used to do this! Recently I did EMDR on it, and it reduced a lot. I’m hoping that I can continue to reduce it through EMDR, but I’m honestly just really enjoying the change so far. 

Same. I do this too. Sometimes I even think the imaginary conversations are with my family members, but I'm never quite sure which one.

YES! You are not alone and it's good to know I'm not alone either. I find myself preparing for a million different conversations with people and how I'd respond and how to direct the conversation, then when I actually talk to them the conversation always goes nowhere near what I was prepared for and it honestly cripples me in real social interaction, I come off so awkward and hesitant and I know other people can sense it and they start leaving me alone when that's not really what I wanted at all..

I was just explaining this to my husband and he had no idea what I was trying to say. Kind of a relief to know I’m not the only one!

Welp, I’ve found my sub. Kind of a relief. I experienced this sort of thing all the time. For example, when I walk my dogs I feel compelled to always have the (as yet unused) bag visible in my hand so that passersby know that I’m going to use it and not just walk away. I notice this thinking all the time and try to just acknowledge it in a neutral way. For background: I grew up with an alcoholic/addict and plenty of emotional neglect.

This sounds like it may be OCD.

Yes, I absolutely feel the same way. I also realize that this has held me back from doing things because I didn't have a good enough reasons to do it, since I know I would be questioned.

maybe when you notice you’re doing that just imagine someone kind warm and loving say to you the exact opposite thing you’re thinking of someone saying and really sending acceptance and praise to you. stop yourself and force your self to really feel that genuine compliments  coming from another person of your braces or choices or whatever it is. when we get used to experiencing ourselves through a critical lens of someone else we come to think of that as the norm but it really is possible to have kindness and acceptance from others and the more you can mentally and emotionally train yourself for that the more that will be the norm you look for in others and no longer accept anything less.

Sounds like r/maladaptivedreaming