Do your friends know about your family's dysfunctionality? Do you feel like you can't be authentic with your friends bc of your family?

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This question is especially for those in Asian societies or VERY family-oriented societies, where it's a bit taboo to cut off ties with family members completely or tell people you're estranged from family or things like that. Especially when on paper "it's not like you went through physical abuse or divorce or traumatic events" and your material needs were met growing up.

So for me, I have a nothing family . I don't talk about my family to my friends at all so they know we're not close, but they think it's just that, they don't know actually I've almost no contact with my family and have no desire to. In conversations it's common for my friends to just casually bring up family like "Oh my mom tried this food, it's really good" etc. Sometimes they share some problems like maybe a fight with the brother/sister and I've always felt like I don't know how to respond to that besides saying stock phrases "that sucks" etc.

And I've always felt like I struggle to make close friends. I would say I have friends, but not close ones because I can't really talk to them about the issues with my family and how it has affected me so much in my way of thinking, how I react to issues and so on. And I also don't think they can really comprehend how it is like. The few times I've mentioned some issue I've had I remember they said things like "can't you just forgive them" or something like that. Like, they don't get how bad it is for me, say, to visit my mother. It's literally something I have to prepare myself for days in advance. On the day itself I can't do anything else but be stressed and doomscroll/watch TV without watching until it's time to leave my house. Then after the visit I'm just in this weird funk for a couple of days until I'm able to put it out of my mind. Like it's a whole event for me. And my friends just don't get that sense of dread because they don't have it. Family is a refuge for them.

So I've realised that to seem like a normal person I've just avoid talking about family. And in a way that's not being authentic and I've been wondering is that why I don't feel like I have close friends. Like maybe they can also sense I'm not being truthful? I don't know.

Does anyone else feel the same?

in emotionalneglectby bogusrandom

99%

2mo

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Imaghostbutthatsfine

2mo

Not Asian, but i still somewhat feel this. My fathers side wasn't exactly abusive but does come close to the nothing family you described, and my mother who i grew up with was emotionally abusive. I used to visit my father more often after i became legal age but soon noticed that there just wasn't anything thereand that he hadn't put any effort into connectong with me, his wife also hadn't, he was just kinda running away from me as the reminder of that he had things to do with my mother and i was resembling her a little. My friends know of my parents, they all do because i can't keep my mouth shut. I find it important however to tell them because only then can they understand me a little. I'm lucky to have friends that do understand this. I don't feel the need to vent about my family to them as often because i already feel understood from the core so i can talk about nicer things. Still i feel like I'm only acting a human persona out, but that's a cptsd thing that a lot of people also describe as a symptom of theirs. It's not the same as not being able to open up to your friends and it seems quite impossible in your situation. It however also does seem similar to what you describe with the stock phrases. You don't know how to react. Stock phrases are fine, you might also try to ask more about the details and move the subject away from family. Like:

My mother tried this food. What was it? Where died she get it? I also want to, what are the ingredients?

Then you have a topic outside of family. Your friends know your family sucks, they just don't really get it. They believe family is good and since it's good for them, it can't be bad for anyone else. Sadly this is the opinion many, mostly average people have, that their situation must be like theirs for everyone, and there's very little you can do about it. You may try to make them understand how exactly you feel about your family and them saying you should simply forgive them, or you could try and avoid this topic. I feel you also because my father refuses to believe that my mother was that bad, even though he had been abused by her before me. He claims that she's still my mother and that i only have one of her and whatnot, even though he knows most of the important details of what i went through. It's a society thing it seems, and only now after four years of him knowing does he seem to show a little sympathy for me (not that i would expect it from him at this point). And it hurts that even though he is my father (or that these are your friends), he doesn't want to understand me. I hope that maybe your friends understand it one day and can lend adequate support or that you'll find other irl people that understand you.

bogusrandom

2mo

Still i feel like I'm only acting a human persona out

I often feel this too. In fact recently I've been thinking - am I a good friend? You know that line about "if everyone around you is an asshole maybe you're the asshole". So, like I don't feel close to my friends because I feel like they don't really know me. But, perhaps it's me who needs to put in the effort to get to know them? So recently I've been trying to remember more of the things they say. I even started a Google doc with random notes like "X likes this food" after we went for lunch ha. So yah I don't know if the problem is just me being self-centered.

Just typing that out makes me remember that my mother used to scold me for being a selfish person last time. Ha.

Thanks for sharing the anecdote about your father refusing to believe you. If someone who was there persists in having a difference memory of events, what can we expect from the people who were not? And this phrase

he doesn't want to understand me.

is spot on, now that I think about it. It's really the feeling that they don't want to understand. I feel like it's partly because it's so different from their fundamental worldview so they don't want it to be shaken up.

Imaghostbutthatsfine

2mo

I don't think you're an asshole, i think you never really got the chance to learn how humans interact. And yeah, you and your friends should both try getting to know each other, it's great you're making notes to remember! The very fact you're trying to learn about your friends proves you're not only thinking about yourself, which is what selfish means. You're very much thinking about your friends.

Haha yeah same. Not the exact same situation but my mother always used to tell me how selfish i was for normal children things so now i have trouble setting boundaries and doing anything that really is just for myself. But i think it's normal to be a little selfish sometimes, i mean you're the most important person in your life per se.

I don't think it's his memory, more his perception of family roles even though he knows what's been happening and it seems to be the same for your friends. They also don't want to believe family can be a bad thing. It's what you also say in yout last sentence, they don't want to believe such a thing.